Crime Scene Investigation

Update: Princess Grace posted a bit of a back story to this unwinding tale! Thanks for playing Princess - I suspect you'll be interviewed by Friday and Tracer and maybe even MsAva! :-) If you're a BSG geek Princess posted a nice comment on the Razor post too which I'll have to comment on too.

Tracer suspiciously eyes a lone singer on the sidewalk belting out tunes for change with a harmonica and a banged up accustic guitar, "You read the paper a few days ago?"

Friday positions herself between Tracer and the singer blocking Tracer from doing something rash. His loathing of street singing is well documented by various police reports ever since he got booted off of American Idol, "Yep - you mean that whining beggy article? Filled with 'I beseech you ...' and 'I implore you" ...'

As they near the singer Tracer pauses to listen.

Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your mouth,
Blowing down the back roads headin' south.
Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your teeth,
You're an idiot, babe.
It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe.

"Yeah, that one - I laughed my ass off."

"Well Tracer I did too but there was sincerity that I found endearing, and then I puked in my mouth a little."

Both detectives chuckle as they duck under the police tape. Tracer eyes Friday. Her hair is pulled back in a severe bun, she's wearing a white blouse and a gray ankle length skirt with white socks and mary jane shoes along with horn rim glasses.

"What's up with the outfit Friday?"

"Tracer you know that Paradise doesn't have a Crime Scene Investigation unit! That's why the town hired us. I'm just trying to look professional!"

"You don't wear glasses Friday!"

"I look more official!"

"Do not."

"Do too."

"NOOOOOTTTTTTT"

"TOOOOOOOOOOO"

"Well that dog collar you're wearing makes you look like a perverted librarian - professional my ass."

"Princess gave me that collar Tracer."

And Tracer knew that was that. End of story on the attire. He unconsciously takes out a cigarette and lights it and looks at the crime scene. Exhaling smoke he asks, "Any confessions?"

Friday glares at Tracer, "It's been thirty minutes since BillyBear was shot - so - no!"

"Was just hoping to get home a little early today Friday."

"Yeah I know Tracer - I handle your mail - I saw that your latest issue of Princess Tats came in."

"Well I'm hoping to see the legendary 'lower back tat'! It's suppose to be in this issue! So, where'd the shot come from?"

"THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT!"

"I think that bun is making you cranky - simmer down. Hey! What's all this stuffing? Did your falsies pop out Friday? Wait - that evil check kiter jem, you know the one with the enormous gazoongas - is she doing that weird cummy game again? Ewwwww am I standing in jem jizz?"

"Ewwwwww Tracer YUCK!"

A brunette, wearing a long trench coat like a flasher, a fedora and black stiletto boots walks up muttering in a tinkerbell voice, "Those are billy's brains ..."

Both detectives jump back, "EWWWWWWW!"

The brunette, a hint of cotton candy about her, whispers in Tracer's ear.

"Thanks some hot babe who couldn't be Princess Grace! Friday! Get your ass out of Billy's Brain and let's go talk to this jem character!!! NOW GOD DAMMIT!"

"What Tracer?"

"Look at that poll over there! And that hot babe who couldn't be Princess said the shooter had 'HUGEEEEE big tripple E breasts.' Let's go talk to this 'jem'!"

The Grassy Knoll

Mr. Bear! MR. BEAR!!! Melinda Manjuice from Stroke HARDER You Worthless Pantywaist! Now that ace industries has paid you twenty billion dollars and eighty-three cents to restore the labs he maliciously blew up out of jealousy ...

Alleged jealousy at my obvious genius Manjuice - ace just wanted to end the case and this was most cost effective for him.

OK, alleged jealousy at your obvious genius ... what do you plan to do with the money?

You mean besides phonesex?

Yes.

Rebuild the labs of course! All the roboMittens need upgrades and we have a remarkable new prototype in the works already. The Killer Robot which through an accident of our random name generator is actually quite benign well except for the killing and all. We're trying to get it out before Christmas!

Mr. BEAR! Henry Handjob from Look at Me and Get Weaker Bitch Boi!

Yes?

Nothing just wanted a blurb on CockRadio for my new blog. I will say that it was most kind of MsTara to broadcast this historic occasion of ace having his ass handed to him live over the radio!

Mr. Bear! Mr. Beaaaarrrrr! Smithers from Sycophant-ace! Is it true that you used blackmail and 'hired goons' to coerce sweet. mild mannered, never hurt a fly and so much brighter than you could ever hope to be ace into handing over this trifling amount of money from his point of view?

GASP! Why I would NEVER resort to such nefarious means! You are a cad! Will one of my hired goons please beat this idiot up? Now I have a parade to attend to in my honor! It's not everyday I get to sit in a convertible and wave to my adoring fans!

MsTara here. The 'Waddling Blue Wonder' as he now refers to himself is being helped into the limousine by some bimbo in a pink pillbox hat. That's all she's wearing. It's a beautiful summer day here in Paradise and I have to confess I've never seen the grumpy little blue guy look happier!

They're proceeding at a parade pace down the Boulevard of Dreams. Awwww the asshole is mooning the crowd. He must think that's funny. What a dweeb. Now he's standing on the back of the car blowing kisses and taking bows ...

WAIT!

Something has happened ....

OH THE HUMANITY!!! BillyBear is down!!! BILLYBEAR HAS BEEN SHOT!

It sounded like a series of backfires and then BillyBear's head snapped back with a large puff of stuffing emerging from the back of his head!

The limo is serpenting for some unknown reason. Oh now it's speeding off, I hope you listeners can understand me through my uncontrollable sobbing at this potential loss to humanity!

BILLYBEAR HAS BEEN SHOT!

Who would have performed such a monstrous act of pure unadulterated EVIL?

Please vote on the poll to the right on who YOU think shot BillyBear! On this cliff-hanging season ending until the next post of Billy's Brain (now all over the back of the limo).

BattleStar: Razor

If you haven't seen it, this is nothing but spoilers, you've been warned!


I thought this was a pretty good flick but I feel bad for BattleStar. This has to tide us over until March - sheesh. NBC/SciFi is dragging this out too long. In fact I almost forgot the danged thing was on last night and would have had to perform unspeakable acts on mittens had she not leapted onto the remote and keyed in SciFi's channel.

Like Firefly only short of canceling the series could a network mishandle a series any worse than BattleStar is being handled.

Primarily the plot is about what happened to the Pegasus when the Cylons attacked. There was also what went on with Adama in the first Cylon war. One thing I caught was as a youth Adama radioed for the Galactica which gives you an idea of how old that ship is.

Gina (the 'Six' model) was Cain's lover and when she's discovered to be a Cylon it explains why Cain had her repeatedly raped as an 'interrogation' technique, "Lieutenant Thorne, I want you to interrogate our Cylon prisoner, find out everything it knows, and since it's so adept at mimicking human feeling, I'm assuming that it's software is vulnerable to them as well, so... pain... degradation... fear... shame... I want you to really test it's limits. Be as creative as you feel the need to be." I'm saying it explains it but certainly doesn't condone it.

Cain struck me as a psychopath. As the movie opens she's joking around with her XO and talking about visiting, once the war starts when he refuses an order she immediately shoots him in the head. She's ruthless and I found her behavior anything but human. This she explains by holding up a knife and stating we have to be 'razors' in order to be victorious.

Adama later muddies the waters excusing Cain's actions. I found myself more in the Lee camp at the movies end.

Kendra Shaw was awesome as Lee's first XO. Haunted by her actions though those didn't come to light until later. Katee Sackhoff (Starbuck) was awesome too.

I found the 'old' Cylons interesting and brought back memories. I was SO hoping the hybrid of theirs was the old Baltar from the original series but alas no. There were lots of fun little tips of the hats to science fiction movies, like the soldier being dragged off by the cylons before being shot in the head by Kendra was named 'Hudson.'

The big reveal by the old school Cylon hybrid, who appeared much more aware of his surroundings than the newer models are, "this has all happened before, and it will all happen again." Everyone and their brother is convinced this will be the pivotal plot point of the final fourth season. I tend to agree but am not sure exactly how yet - I hope to God an entire universe isn't trapped in some time loop much like Stephen King's The Dark Tower series (boy was I annoyed!).

The other big reveal was that Starbuck is the harbinger of doom. I've always wanted to be a harbinger of doom ... I tend to take this info, since it came from a Cylon hybrid with a HUGE grain of salt. Cylon's are masters at manipulation.

I really liked this movie and am left with a touch of melancholy. I REALLY miss this series!

Your thoughts?

Rumors and Innuendo

He slouches into the office catching a harried billybear on the phone, "I know ... I KNOW GOSH DARNIT!!! These dumb labs don't come cheap! Come on ace, I've fallen on hard times, hard times surely you can float a loan! I needed to blow the labs up, they were out of date and all."

The figure tosses a manilla envelope on the desk and lights a cigarette.

Muttering, "Responsable my ass ..." and slamming down the phone BillyBear stares at it, "What's this?"

"My paycheck."

Ripping open the envelope a photograph falls out. BillyBear picks it up and examines it before tossing it back to the detective.


"So? It's Wonder Woman, what am I suppose to do with this?"

"Look CLOSELY!"

Picking the photo back up BillyBear peers closely at it before beginning his crappy evil laugh which irritates anyone who's heard it, "Oh yes this is quite a nice picture indeed, should it be leaked to the press. Can't have that can we? HaHaHaHaHaha ha ... ha ..."

"Stop it."

"Oh PantySue will be green with envy!. I believe the labs will be open very shortly and you'll get paid!"

As the detective leaves the Motel 8 room he hears, "Ace we need to talk about your homework ..."

WonderAce!

Broken Toy

I got to get to her somehow
All the people we used to know
They're an illusion to me now ...

The portcullis raised as the two approached. The wind increased in its violence snapping banners to shreds along the ramparts. An alarm bell could be dimly heard.

Reigning their horses in the courtyard they are immediately surrounded by suspicious castle security. The storm is much quieter here almost an echo of the rage that cavorts outside ripping through the once idillyc countryside.

Dismounting they hand their leads to one of the security men and wait.

A nervous man, carrying a pink umbrella, wearing a maid's outfit and collar approaches, "State your business."

"We wish an audience."

"Who doesn't?"

"We've come a long way."

"Who hasn't?"

Fed up the man in black draws his pistol and points it at the officious prick's forehead, "Listen riddle boy take us to her or I swear to God things will get very ugly, very fast."

"I can't"

He picks up the tempo of his reply as he hears the hammer cock, "She's around but not seeing anyone at the moment. It's near Thanksgiving and she's quite busy in her RealWorld! I ... I can take you to a messenger however ..."

Re-holstering his gun the two follow the man into the castle proper. He leads them through various hallways and foyers, all elegantly adorned with tapestries and furniture. Finally they arrive at a receiving room. A large fireplace warms the room, Sarah Mclachlan can be faintly heard coming from invisible speakers.

As they hang their sopping dusters and hats the officious prick addresses them from the doorway, "Would you like anything to drink? We have the most delightful Apple Martinis or perhaps I can scrounge up some Electric Pink Kool-Aid, though that's sooo yesterday's news and hard to find since the lab blew up ..."

They stare at him in silence.

Clearing his throat while he exits he says, "Um, OK then! I'll send for the messenger!"

Almost immediately a rotund yellow man, grinning from ear to ear enters the room, "You sent for me?"

"Who are you?"

"Aye Em"

"We wish to speak to the Princess!"

The yellow fool stands there grinning.

"Well??? Go tell her!"

"I have but she has not replied. Perhaps she is busy or uninterested. Currently she's not there but she frequently is, just invisible to me. She's quite popular you know and must pick and choose whom to give her attentions."

"And you did all this just standing there?"

"Yes."

"Well come back if she decides to reply."

The yellow man leaves. The two wait in silence.

After awhile the man in black gets up from the plush chair and begins pacing around the room, examining various knick-knacks in the curio cabinets.

"Do you think her fans sent her these things?"

"Aye, items that might have held her fancy for awhile and are now just for display. Have you sent her things? I have."

Examining a pair of pink sunglasses the rider replies, "Aye, I tried to send her things she would use. She may be using one of them now if she remembers she has it. I sent it to her about this time a year ago." Blowing the dust off of the glasses he sets them carefully back down and picks up a broken string puppet, absentmindedly dusting it.

"Heh, look at this, the poor lad has lost his leg," removing a pocket knife he picks up the puppets leg and carefully reattaches it, "Good as new!" Both riders grin as they watch the puppet dance on a coffee table before solemnly taking a bow. The rider almost reverently returns the puppet to its place in the cabinet.

"She use to brag about fixing broken things. That she liked to take them on. Remember how she seemed to enjoy just playing and cavorting with her friends?"

"She's changed."

"Yep, now one rarely hears from her. She hardly ever initiates a conversation. She no longer strolls through the blogs laughing or having fun, causing trouble ... seemed to start about a year ago, now that I think on it. And now you can only get guaranteed access once a week for an hour in a crowded room, much like a press conference. Some conversations you do not want to have in a room full of strangers where you're simply trying to get a word in edgewise."

"Well we mustn't push her!"

"What's that mean? Does that mean don't rock the boat? Stir the pot? Voice a concern or make a suggestion? Many times when I didn't think I was 'pushing' it was interpreted as such. I was just trying to figure things out. Eventually the conversation became a dance around the topic and me staring at the tea leaves afterwards trying to figure out what was said! I mean how does one 'push' a domme anyway??!!"

"You could call her, try and hash this out."

"Aye, I could and possibly will but I'm not sure she'll take the call. Anyway it's not the calls I'm talking about, it's the other stuff."

"The perks."

"Yeah, what happened to those? The IMs, comments, all that stuff. It just seemed to go the way of the Dodo."

"Well she said it could end at anytime, by either one of you."

"I know, but I was expecting a notice or something, not this death by asphyxiation. Something more dramatic! You know how I feel?"

"No."

"I feel like that toy over there, once shiny, bright and new now thoroughly explored and quietly collecting dust in a curio cabinet. An unwanted, useless thing. That's probably not the way it is, but that's how it feels! I tried so hard to amuse."

"You've amused many."

"I know, and that means a lot to me! But when I erected my tepee next to yours I was hoping for more interaction with her, for awhile I got what I needed ... wanted ..." the rider's voice trails off as he stares into the fire remembering. Softly he mutters, "Time to go ..."

He walks across the room and puts on his duster and hat.

"Where are you going?"

Staring at his brother rider from under his hat, rain from its' lip softly hitting the floor he replies, "Oh, I don't know. I'll still be around but I'm not going to wait for Aye Em any longer."

"I think I'll hang awhile longer."

"I know. That's why there are two. Of the two of us you were always the stronger. I hope you recognize that in yourself someday!"

"Some think I'm insane."

"Some are pathetic idiots and who gives a fuck what they think?"

The white rider smiles, "I'll miss you."

"I'm not going anywhere. She's changed, I've changed in response to that. I still honer, love, trust and respect that lady, the simple fact is she is incapable or unwilling to give me what I need. I need more ... interaction. I still think of myself as her friend. I'm still here, just not as involved."

The two riders stare at each other, one casually arrayed on the couch, the other in the doorway. The black rider nods, smiles and leaves.

But me, I'm still on the road
Headin' for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just saw it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue

Two Riders

Raw heat shimmers off the baked floor of the wastelands causing phantasms, demons, illusions and hope to dart in and out of existence. From nowhere they appear, both on horseback. One in black the other white, they ride in silence, heads down like their near dead horses.

They exit the wastelands and head east. Coming to a stream they dismount, water their horses and wash the dust from their clothes and themselves. They build a fire and sleep through the night, neither will ever mention what they saw in that desert.

They come to a home that is and is not there, it blinks in and out of existence like a promise yet to be kept.

"I hope it comes back, it sure was a swell place!"

"Two."

"Yes two places both different and yet the same, do you think there will be others?"

"Yes, but I don't know when the next incarnation will appear."

"Well I miss him!"

The other stares off, a smile flashing across his face the echo of a memory.

They move on eventually approaching a quaint home now run down and in disrepair.

"He said he'd be back, do you think he'll be back? He was such a nice man!"

"He was a gentle man."

"So, do you think he'll be back?"

"No. This place is too dangerous for him, he was a victim of his own appetites. Of course his appetites were encouraged but that's the nature of this place and we're all big boys, right? I hope he's happy where ever he is now."

"I think one of the dolls killed him! Those things are dangerous!"

They continue onward at a steady pace. The one in black lights a cheroot.

"Do you remember when we first came to this place?"

"Aye, it was a much different place then. It was more playful, more fun or so it seemed."

"It was new."

"So were we. Now we're old ..."

They enter the town of Paradise. Ambling their horses down the center of the town road they pull up in front of a saloon and enter. Over in the corner some drunk has been is blubbering to a bar girl with enormous breasts.

"I tell ya, I was the best! Do you remember that one case?"

"Which one, there were like five or six."

"The one with the panties!!!"

"They all had panties you idiot!"

The sound of the gunshot causes both riders whirl with lightening speed drawing their six-shooters as the woman falls to the floor clutching her knee and screaming like a banshee. The drunk peers wearily at the riders distractedly waving his forty-five at nothing.

"You want some?"

They sit at the bar and slam back a couple of whiskeys watching the drunk's head hit the table while his companion wraps a torniquet around her leg with well practiced efficiency. They tip their hats in her general direction, mount their horses and move on.

On the outskirts of town they pass a large mansion high on a hill. Dusk is falling and a storm is rolling in. Dark, angry clouds are illuminated by flashes of lightening. Thunder can be distantly heard.

They stare up at at the mansion as flood lights begin to blink on illuminating the well manicured lawn, the topiaries and shrines.

"They say he's gone insane, like Howard Hughes did. Only eats the cookies between two other cookies. Once cooked they can't be touched by human hands. I hear his mom is pissed, her baking load has tripled."

"Well 'They' say a lot of things."

"Do you think it's true?"

"No, he just got busy ... like the rest of us."

"You heard about Midnight Madness ..."

"Yes, it made me sad to hear there will be no more. I could rarely attend but when I could I would at least get to see him again inside that weird bubble of his. Now? ' Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;' What was seems to be succumbing to entropy. No one cares or seems to. This place is highly transitory anyway. I was hoping to stay longer."

"You think we're too late."

"One of us should make it."

"That's why there are two riders."

"That's why there are two."

Thunder rumbles through the landscape. Lightening illuminates a distant castle. They button their dusters and pull their hats down as a gentle rain begins to fall.

"Looks like a bad one."

"We've weathered worse."

"Trueeeeee ..."

"I wish I knew what happened. Everyone just wondered off. Well it all boils down to probability distributions. You can't know a particle's position and momentum at the same time. Change occurs and in some universe it was probably for the better."

"Do you always speak gibberish? I mean what the fuck?"

"It means God is in the details."

"What???"

"Look if that wasn't true then we should be able to construct a computer to predict to position of every atom in the universe at anytime. If we could do that we could predict the future with certainty. The fact that we can't know the position and momentum of a particle implies free will."

"So?"

"I don't like being a puppet. I want to choose! So I tend to look at change through those lenses. I'm not happy about where things are at compared to where they once were but I can't bitch too much about anyone choosing their path, I can only react to it. I've lost hope."

"I will never give up!"

Tears well in the black rider's eyes, "Which is why you're so loved. Your faith that things will work out shines from your spirit. Oh, and never say never."

They nudge their horses into a gallop as the rain starts falling in sheets.

A pet mans a rampart looking out over the newly constructed castle grounds. He shudders against the rain and looks at the rapidly advancing thunderhead with concern. Lightening begins to strike. Behind him rock music and laughter can be distantly heard, this is a place where the party never ends. As the wind picks up he wishes he was inside with the rest of them but knows he must perform his duty to Her.

Suddenly he stiffens, peering intenty into the gathering gloom before running to sound the alarm.

Two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl ...