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Well I'm not in the chatroom nearly as much as I use to be (wistful sigh) but I do everything in my power to make TeaseTime. Recently I've noticed quite few people fundamentally asking the same question:
Princess, how do I get a call with you?
There are small hurdles and I was incredibly lucky with the 20-20 hindsight thing, but I happened to catch Her at the right time in the right mood. So what advice can I impart because much like you all I had read Her blog (in its entirety) listened to all of Her MP3s and knew that I wanted very much to talk to Her.
MsGrace is very popular. You have to keep that in mind, I mean really keep that in mind, because it may take a few tries to get that first call.
My advice, the Ps, "Polite and Persistent" in that order. On the persistent thing don't go crazy and fill Her mailbox with emails or flood her with IMs but you know, take a shot now and then. She's rarely 'on the board' meaning when you hit the cock control or sissy school site you most likely wont see Her signed in there.
Keep in mind Her hours of operation which of course can vary :-) However you will very rarely be able to call Her before 10PM Eastern and most likely never on the first call.
She is everything She says She is and then some.
Go to Her events in the chatroom, TeaseTime (10PM Eastern on Thursdays) and Midnight Madness with MsKate (11:59PM Eastern on Tuesdays) and try and get to know Her a little and more importantly let Her get to know you. Those events are chaotic fun so don't expect some sort of one on one chat when She's in the room.
Then when you IM Her identify yourself by your chatroom moniker and ask if She's taking calls. Don't just say "hi" or "you're hot"- I mean you can but don't expect a response. You can even do this as an offline IM down the lines of, "Hi Princess, I was wondering if you were taking calls tonight and if you can squeeze me in, you can call me between 1AM to 4AM. Here's my number ..." You have to let Her KNOW you're interested in more than idle chat, you want a call. Also what KIND of call, what are you into, cock-control, humiliation, sissy...? Believe me that isn't the end of the list. There's very little She wont do so give Her a category or two, not a book. That's what the call is for :-)
Once you get a call or two in She will chat if She's around and in the mood.
In the email or IM tell Her what you're thinking and feeling (not just "I'm hard"). How Her voice makes you feel, how Her stories or MP3s connected with you on some level. Why you want to call Her.
Finally, be honest with your reasons for wanting to call. If it's bullshit She'll smell it a mile away! And don't sweat the reasons. She's incredibly open minded but complete honesty is HUGE with Princess.
Then if the stars are in alignment you will get that first call, if not this time well be polite and keep trying!
Is it worth the effort? Oh my yes!
For my gentle readers, it might be fun if you commented on how you managed to get ahold of Princess the first time :-)
Thanks Princess for taking such very good care of me last night soft smile.
What can I share, nope, what do I choose to share? :-)
Well we got Her Macintosh set up and functional. The machine is hooked to the internet and defended. We did a dry run with GarageBand so Her mic works and she can make MP3s. The problem is that GarageBand does have a learning curve so it will take her sometime before MP3s come rolling off. Personally I can't wait.
She's interested in the voice effects and it will be awfully cool to see what She ends up doing with this software. She had mixed results with AOL for the mac and I need to run down what her issue with that might be (primarily when She quits AOL the program seems to hang). But all in all a pretty easy setup from my point of view. From Hers, not so much. I hope it wasn't too painful Princess!
She can now sit down and play on the thing when She's in the mood. I think things will get a little easier for Her when Her Apple keyboard comes in.
And then we played.
She was my 'boss' in this one and of course completely dominated Her billy. Eventually I 'suffered' the same fate as my coworker Tom. Tom happens to be the name of my best friend in the RealWorld and he's also a coworker. LMAO I'm reasonably certain I've never mentioned him, at least by name, to Princess.
None of that matters but this does, to me. I was a tad whiny during our call since I really, really wanted Princess to 'do' me, selfish bitch that I am. I'm about to embark on a vacation and will be about twelve days without any Princess contact at all. billy no likee but there's nothing I can do about it. So I was hoping for some play.
Princess did me, OH BABY! Princess did me loooong time! Now I have a nice memory to get me through this little outage where I will be missing Her terribly!
Princess You know me, You know me quite well and I just wanted to say, You move me in the most wonderful ways. I just love the chit chat, I love the instant mental image I conjure up when I can see Your brows furrow while I'm trying to guide you to some menu or option on the Mac, "I don't see it. Where?!" I just love the way You play with me both the naughty and the nice.
billybear smiles fondly at Princess. There are things I will tell you on the phone, email or IM that I will never mention in this forum. You know exactly what I mean and what I'm trying to say here, you know all the fun we manage to have together.
Means a lot to me, and You mean a lot to me too :-)
Thanks for the call and the time!
Your billybear
BTW I hope we will be doing a similar call again without the Mac angst sometime in the future :-) You know how I like to 'misbehave'
We here at billybear labs wish to extend our gratitude to MsTara. She has recently exposed yet another monstrous crime perpetrated by evil corporate espionage mastermind, jewel_takenbyPrincessGrace! You didn't need to post shameful secrets from my family's past MsTara but we're grateful for the help!
Finally the fool slipped up and was caught on a security camera. Cloaked in her own wickedness this dark murky figure is hard to discern and may have an unhealthy interest in Darth Vader helmets. We at the labs are hoping someone might be able to aid us in identifying this scourge by recognizing this silhouette.
Has anyone seen this MONSTROUS HORROR?! Who is it? We know 'jewel' is some code name but ace and lucky both have solid alibis.
This 'jewel' is no one's 'gem' heh ... heh yeah you're right mittens it is pretty funny. I've always been punny that way ... heh OH! And thanks mittens for finding this still and identifying the work of this 'jewel!'
TracerBulletBilly has agreed to take on this case and track down this bitch once he's released from his Tijuana jail cell. "Shouldn't take too long to find this freak," the hard nosed PI said, "I mean the illegitimate daughter of Popeye and Olive Oyl can't be that hard to find. Look at those freakishly fat forearms!"
Finally to the kind Samaritan who sent all of that fresh salmon. billybear says, "Thanks! It took awhile but I ate it and mittens enjoyed watching me eat every bite!"
Princess Grace has "asked" me to go to Bangkok until I get my shit together. She's been 'a tad disappointed' with my various back to nature and time travel endeavors and feels that this might do the trick. Plus She's 'not in the mood' for me to rip a hole in the universe so that I can see what's on the other side. Go figure.
"Once in Bangkok you are to go to Patpong, Soi Cowboy and Nana Plaza spending four nights in each district."
"Are those some sort of health clubs Princess?" I ask thinking of her recent love affair with Wheat Grass.
"Um, yeah. Each night you are to purchase some marijuana, opium and Viagra, whatever drops your inhibitions. Indulge, insert the aneros, put on something 'naughty' and then go out and find yourself a girl you like, sometimes two but on the first night just one. Bring her back to your place."
"I'm not very lucky with the ladies Princess."
"Where you're at billybear that will NOT be a concern!"
"But I'm a four foot tall, blue care bear!"
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! It is NOT AN ISSUE!"
"Really?"
An exasperated sigh fills the phone and She says, "Really. Once back in your room get high with her and call Me."
"Call You? Why?!"
"So I can tell her what a naawy ai khohn baa gaam mee you are."
"You speak Thai?"
"Fluently and don't ask! Once I'm done talking with her she'll hand you back the phone."
"Um, uh, what are You going to tell her?"
"Everything."
"EVERYTHING?!!!"
Giggling wickedly She says, "Yes, every button to push, every kink, every secret ... EVERYTHING! And while she's working on you I'll be listening, giving direction and talking to you, My billybear. You had better be talking to her, encouraging her and spilling all your naughty secrets yourself! You are going to hop hop hop Thai style! You do like it 'spicy' don't you?"
"I wont last five seconds!"
"Oh you had BETTER last! NO CUMMIES until I say." She commands in that Mistress voice of Hers and then immediately flips to Her pouty voice, "It will depend on My mood, will you have put Me in a good mood billybear?"
"Oh I sure will TRY! Why are we doing this?"
"Because you're insane darling. Maybe this will help."
Well, I'm off to Bangkok Saturday morning, I'll be back twelve days or so later! nervous giggle, wrings paws ...
PS: This picture was sent back by bangkokBilly using the magnoBlogTimeOmeter on his first night there. He's at the Super Pussy with his new friends listed below:
Sucki, the little spermaid, Latisha Jizzmouth, Mia Sohony, bangkokBilly and his ever present Blazing Bong of Bliss 'binkie'
Well Princess has decided to ask some questions and I want to play. So I will give real answers to Her questions. OK, let's peep this out:
1) Are you left handed or right handed? Which direction does the top of your head lean when you kiss on the lips?
I'm right handed and tilt my head to the right when I kiss.
2) What is the first "non-physical" feature you tend to notice about a person you find attractive?
Sense of humor. I'm told I have a quirky, dry sense of humor and so I'm sensitive to that when I float a 'trial balloon.'
3) How many times to you tend to cum a week? (if not on restriction, and just left to your own devices)
Twice on average.
4) Would you rather receive amazing oral sex or have amazing sex?
Both. Can't you do it all? If not then amazing sex. I would like both of us happy and as goofy as it sounds the 'sharing' of it.
5) What can a lover do to turn you on instantly?
Dirty talk works well with me. I'm reading 'lover' as not a one night stand so knows me. Also I can get pretty worked up if she's just sitting there being happy, not doing anything overt at all. Sitting in the sun watching the day go by, but she's gotta be happy.
6) When you orgasm, do you hold your breath?
LMAOOOO - You tell me! I'm pretty sure I don't.
Come on...you have the guts to share a part of yourself, don't you? ::giggles::
I answered truthfully
Uhhhh ,,, yeah ... about last night.
Well I gotta say this as an absolute fact. Princess Grace was not effected by her fast other than for the better!
We played a new game last night, tried new things... I think it's safe to say we had a lot of fun :-)
I am not saying another word on that except, "Princess can we do that again? PLEASE, You know You want to! Pretty pretty please Princess Grace!!! I had so much fun!"
PS: We tried hooking up Her Macintosh last night and made the heartbreaking discovery that Her keyboard and mouse are not USB! WHAT KIND OF NIGHTMARE WORLD DO WE LIVE IN WHERE MSGRACE IS INCONVENIENCED IN THE SLIGHTEST WAY?!
slomblucheese
calm blue sea
Billy takes a sip of coffee with a shakey fucking hand, I gotta settle down. Look, we all need to get that Mac operational so that Princess can go about fuck fuck fucking our minds with yummy MP3s. So She's decided she needs this and this so that She can use this which She already has along with GarageBand. The keyboard and mouse are awesome choices! This Mac is targeted to become Her MP3 factory.
When I suggested she steal a keyboard and mouse from Her local library there was an uncomfortable silence in our conversation. Any USB keyboard and mouse will do until we get Her the proper equipment, that being what She wants of course!
Well I'm off to the library ...
"EAT HOT LEAD!" I scream as I fire the modified Pez dispenser, "er ... I mean Pez dammit!" The fact that that candy still exists in nothing short of a god send. Pixies hate sweets because they just can't help but eat them. Too much makes the dears gassy and they hide in embarrassment until they stop farting. For some reason they think sweets have the same effect on us or that we care.
The three Pez catch her square in the mouth and she starts chewing with this worried look on her face.
"HA! Admit defeat you pixie bitch! Submit to King BillyBear! Talk dirty to me!!! Make me beg to cum!"
"NEVER!" - pooft
"Awww poor baby, gassy already? Does someone have poopie panties?"
She buries her face in her hands and races to her room. As I hear the door slam she shrieks, "I HATE YOU!" - pooft
Naturally she phones all her friends with whatever passes for a phone these days and the war is on. Humanity enlists Hollywood to help with the war effort and soon the money just rolls in. We purchase the finest weapons from ace's weapons labs which were acquired from billybear labs when I skipped into the future.
War raged across the world ensnaring other races such as the giant ants and dolphins. Once friendly to humanity now they stand with the pixie menace. We could never figure out why.
These were dark, dark days. We even had to enlist the aid of our children. It was bad. Naturally I was blameless for most of the havoc and trying to restore peace in our time.
I saw little of Princess Blossom who was calling herself Tinkerbell and acting all stuck up. She was a pain in our side but remarkably susceptible to Pez and Oreos which would take her out of the picture for a few days.
A surprised pixie prepares to eat hot Pez as it inadvertently flies into a feeding zone
Unsuspecting pixies fly into range of the dreaded donut hole cannon!
"Go away!"I ease the door open into a pink, girlie girl room. She's sitting on the bed painting her toenails. She glances up at me and says, "I said to go away!"
"Blossom we need to come to terms on the ..." My conversation stalls as I stare at the cutest pair of white panties you ever did see just barely peeking out from under her pink miniskirt.
She's looking at me speculatively, the beginnings of a smirk crossing her lips, "You like my panties 'King' BillyBear? They're really so very soft ..."
Negotiations sorta went downhill from there. The next thing I know I'm begging her to let me strap myself into the milking machine! They made some improvements like you're completely immobile and your pixie tormentor has total control over the device.
That's an improvement right? RIGHT?!
They also discovered that precum is far more powerful magically than sperm. They made incredible improvements on the aneros.
She edged me for hours, maybe days, time blurred. She pranced and teased and taunted me as I spilled every naughty secret I had begging for release. She was very good at what she did, maybe too good.
"P-P-P-Princess Grace?"
Giggling, "Buh-buh-buh-billybear?"
"I was told you moved on ... became pure energy or something like that."
"Just because I moved on doesn't mean that I can't move back if I want to, and how hard is it for a pure energy being to manifest itself into this plane of existence. I knew you'd fall for 'Princess Blossom' silly old bear, and you had a point about the milking machines. This is suppose to be fun, you are suppose to cum very, very hard when permitted. Who wants some autopilot orgasm once you've learned there can be so much more? So, 'King' billybear, you having fun?"
"Well I wouldn't mind cumming ... for You."
Laughter greets this request., "Are you kidding me? Of course you're going to cum for Me baby! I guarantee it." She says as She starts edging me with that infernal machine, "Let Me get you good and ready teddy bear!"
I'm begging, anything, held on the edge by a total cock teasing BITCH of an expert.
"Wanna cum honey bunny? Wanna cum for Me?"
"OH MY GOD YES!!! You PROMISED!"
"I did pwomise didn't I? Well then here you go My legendary 'King' billybear, My fighter! I'm sending you back to past Me. You know the Me that was soooo easy to convince to let you, heck, anyone cum. Apparently I was Princess cummy pants to hear you tell it. I'm sending you back to Me in such a high state of want and need how can I say 'no'? I'm also sending these two blog entries back for My perusal a little ahead of you. They should help lots in making your case! You'll appear right at the start of My TeaseTime darling about day eight of My fast. Oh I remember that, good times, good times. Knowing Me I'll probably get you off right away! I was so filled with compassion during those fasting days!
buh-buh-buh byeeee byeeee billyeee - good luckeeee"
I hear that taunting laugh as I spiral back in time ...
"Sperm be with you"
This is the first thing said to me when I materialize in some future town somewhere, sometime AD. It's said by this muumuu wearing dweeb who looks all content and crap. You ever meet someone who you just instantly don't like? That's how I felt about this guy. He was creepy.
Well one thing leads to another and I mention that I'm from the past and he gets all excited and before you know it I'm brought before the adjudicator or something like that. And there are all these animals like apes, dolphins, pixies and giant ants there staring at me like I'm some sort of carebear freak or something. This one pixie chick is this really hot red head and I'm trying to you know um look up her skirt without getting caught, feeling the sudden need for a glimpse of pixie panty.
So while I'm trying to pretend ignore her incredibly long legs and pert little bosoms while she's standing next to me smiling and giggling, some nimrod is droning on and on about how there has been no war and everyone gets along just peachy now and have for the last six hundred years or so, ever since The Book of Grace and The Book of Tara were written. blah blah blah. Boring! I'm hardly listening while detecting a little nipple hard-on from the red head as a cold breeze wafts across the field. Yummy.
"So they're dead?"
"Who?"
"MsGrace and MsTara."
"Gasp! You knew them?"
"Oh yeah ... I know them. Where are they?"
"They moved on to a higher plane, they have evolved into pure energy constructs and consort with beings of similar type. What can you tell us about Grace and Tara?"
"So nothing is written? What happened?"
"We know nothing prior to June 8th, 2007. It's as if all of humanity wiped the record clean, expunging itself of a great ugliness."
"You don't say. Well then you should know that I was something of legend to those Ladies, in fact they made me king of all humanity in perpetuity, so I guess that makes me your king too. King BillyBear, ruler of all."
I look at the red head and deploy my best line, "You're pretty. What color are your panties? It's important! You don't want a horny king do you my darling?"
Nimrod chimes in, "OH! King BillyBear we must never directly address the pixies or touch them! This is a central chapter in the Book of Tara who spent decades with the help of a flutterby named Giselle wooing them. Without pixie help the world would be a much darker place."
I mutter, "Oh Pluhese. MsTara was just looking for a new ass to swat!"
The pixie looks over the flower cup of nectar and sneers down her delicate little nose "Besides, no self respecting pixie would ever been seen with a Care Bear. Especially a blue one that stinks of lies."
"Self respecting? In THAT outfit? Who picked that out Andy Dick?" I turn to the pale nimrod guy, "Look it's been forever and I'm horny where can I talk to Princess? Do you use phones? I simply must converse with Her! You wouldn't like me if I'm in denial."
The pixie is looking peeved and nimrod is explaining, "You haven't been milked? And as I've told you Princess has moved on."
"Moved on?" I contemplate a Princess-less world, all my friends gone. Already I'm not much of a fan of the future. "Well then how do you masturbate?"
The red head chimes in, "Oh we have delightful machines for that. They'll get rid of that nasty ucky sperm. Sperm we use for magic and you'll feel so much better afterwards."
"Did you just say 'ucky'? Machine eh? And will you be flitting about giving me up the skirt shots and talking weird pervy shit?"
"No. You're strapped into the machine and simply milked until you reach your quota of two gallons a week. Now lets go little bear creature."
"That's KING little bear creature to you and I'm still waiting on the panty question. No weird naughty fantasies? No taunting giggles? No happy talking?"
"No. No. No ... why do you smile strange thing?"
"You just reminded me of someone. Sorry but I'm not up for the machine thing, I require mental contact, interaction. It's one of the reasons I kinda stopped just jacking off in the first place. I found it worth the wait to have someone around to share it with. All of it, the secrets, the other stuff." For some reason I blush hard.
"Well you must be milked." She waves her wand and some funky portal opens to a sterile looking room, "go on in and hook yourself up. We'll monitor all your vital functions and keep that precious sperm flowing."
"Look I'm not going in there at least not without some hottie to taunt and tease me. Where are the girls anyway? Since you're some sort of frigid ass too embarrassed to admit she wears granny panties."
"Oh human females have little interaction with males once they reach puberty. They leave the herding of you pathetic males to us pixies now."
She taps me on the forehead with her wand and suddenly I can do nothing at all. I'm a puppet. Zombie like I walk into a stall and hook up the device. It milks me. I cum and cum. A feeding tube feeds me. A few days later I hit my quota.
I shuffle out of the milking room with a hundred or so other guys and there's this purple pixie there who taps me on the head with her wand, "Feel better?"
"How many of these milking plants do you have?"
"Oh just this one, it's all we need."
I smile and clock her. She drops and I strip her, donning her pixie gear, struggling mightily to get the size four panties on and not pass out. I've been trained during my brief stint as a master ninja assassin in the art of disguise. I walk freely among the pixies unnoticed. Once I locate the master control room it only takes me minutes to destroy the facility.
I could use a hand up here in the future. A lot of this sort of work is right up pals of mine alley. I'm certain they're consumed with worry and grief and doing everything they can to locate me. All I need to do now is fight a delaying action until they arrive.
I hole up in some chicks house and begin blasting out messages of the new uprising against the pixie menace. The internet is wide open and safe now that Microsoft is gone. I'm telling all the males that there is a better way to cum, that a compromise can be reached with the pixies. They talk dirty to us and we cum buckets, end of story. I'm explaining to them that I knew both Princess and MsTara and that they wouldn't want constant empty orgasms, where's the fun in that? Somewhere the message was lost. Most men don't mind being enslaved but come on, do it right for crying out loud.
I'm telling them that MsTara's greatest concern, the one thing that defined Her was Her love and deep rooted passion for 'boy cummies.' "Can't get enough of 'em" She'd say.
I'm telling them that MsGrace loved to let us cum all the time and if you approached Her the right way She couldn't help but shriek, "Oh! Cum for ME!"
Right then I'm hit square in the face with an apple pie. As I lick the filling off my lips I see that red headed pixie standing there, hands on hips trying to looked pissed off. I think it's impossible for a pixie to look pissed off, they may be pissed off but looking it is beyond them. Like care bears they have just too much cute.
"What is your name?" I ask while un-holstering a special weapon I whipped together after reading about pixie weaknesses.
"Princess Blossom and my panties are a pale pink bikini not that you'll ever see them!"
I level the pistol at her cute smirking face and say, "You realize this means war."
::BANG BANG BANG::
A nervous billybear stands before the untested time tunnel
At least I'm pretty sure that's what She meant when She said, "Talk to you soon." After awhile you pick up on Her nuances.
I thought it was kind of drastic but She's fasting, or drinking this green goo, reports are varied and confused. Anyway She's probably a wittle cranky at the moment and you better believe there was no back talk from Her billybear! Into the future I go!
Being a super genius, I pulled an all niter and whipped together this time tunnel and I'm about to pop it's cherry. I hope it works! I hope it doesn't just rip me apart, spreading billybear atoms throughout time! But even more importantly I hope it wont tear a hole in the space time continuum causing the blending of all pasts and futures to happen in inverted N-Space, that wouldn't be good, would it? No, Schrödinger's cat frowns on that sort of bullshit. Nervous giggle, wrings paws.
As this equation clearly shows, as time T increases exponentially more and more overlap will occur throughout N-Space until temporal paradox is reached where the equation goes to zero. Zero isn't so good since it means the destruction of the universe.
That's one of the reasons I have taken precautions so that can never occur! I've set all sorts of auto-destructs so that this baby will be nothing but a slag heap after I leave. I have the plans right here in my noggin and time tunnels are remarkably cheap to build now that we've cracked the code to ace's Cayman Island accounts!
I have yet to get the negative ion transmodulator omegatimetron to work so I can't go back in time. Nope, this is a one way ticket! But we do have the magnoBlogTimeOmeter working, so I can post this in the past although it's already occurred in the future! That's cool! Not much use for it though, unless you're some sort of Calvinist like mittens. Predestination, it's all about predestination with that cat and total depravity - rolls eyes.
I wonder what the future will hold? Will I have to squash or lead a robot rebellion? Will gravity take it's harsh toll on jem's boobs, banging them against her knees causing her to wince in pain? Will lucky achieve total domination of Princess by then? Will banky still be caged? What kind of woman will pantysue be? Will ace have managed to get another MsKate call in, the horrible RealWorld finally relenting?
Oh and the technology! I am so calling Princess, first thing! Well I hope inflation isn't bad and it now costs $12,000/sec or something. I bet they have holographic chatrooms! Probably you can purchase a Princess in your head chip, if so I am getting one! I hope there's something that will let me catch up on all the posts quickly, I'll be sorry to have missed so much fun!
You will have to imagine it, while I billybear will be living tomorrow today!
Well I hope I have my shit together by the time MsGrace catches up! I'll miss you, my slow time friends, as I step off into a bright tomorrow filled with teleporters, starships and Princess in your head chips (I bet they're pink)! Catch up baby tomatoes!
And don't think for one second I've forgotten you my elvish brethren crushed under ace's hobnail boot heel! Once I get to the future there will be a reckoning! What do you mean they have a health plan, are fairly paid and are quite happy, roboMittens? What's that have to do with anything? williamWallaceBear will paint half his face, um, bluer and shriek FREEDOM while riding mittens around some local park! billyNormaRae will proudly hold up a 'STRIKE' sign in some future cafeteria! Again roboMittens with the corrections? Who cares if they don't want to unionize? How do you know all this? They have a website? Well why are they wasting my time then with the planning and the scheming? Send them a bill, the ungrateful bastards! Look we'll discuss this later, I'm busy!
Billybear flips the switches on the self destruct. A feminine voice comes over the speakers, "Self destruct initiated, self destruct in sixty seconds"
roboMittens set the tomorrowTron to June 12th, 2007! What?! What is it now? It only takes Julian dates for input? CE or BCE? CE? Good, that's easier. Well ... do the math! You can't? Floating point error? I've got to get you upgraded to a 64 bit processor. It's pretty basic math, fine I'll just do it in my head, we're on daylight savings time right? ... carry the one, add in ace's current number of obsessions. Damn I hate when I have to slap together one of these prototypes like this and do math on the fly! They're still peeved at me about that stupid crash, as if! OK, mmmmm roboMittens...
Set if for: 2454266.41806 CE! Got it? Good!
"Self destruct initiated, self destruct in thirty seconds"
No, wait, wait, wait! I forgot to add in the number of days jem was caged! Oh baby that would have been interesting, who knows 'when' I would have popped out ... lets see ...
Set if for: 2462302.41806 CE
Boy that was close! Green board roboMittens? Which light's yellow? Oh don't worry about that one, that's the converterEpsilonOTron, anyway we're so out of time.
Well I hope to see you all on the other end of the telescope, in the bright light of tomorrow! If you make it! I'll try not to stare at how old you guys, yes roboMittens - other than the ageless Mistresses, look. Stumbling around all senile. You'll be so cute in your bibs bitterly muttering about the good old days.
If I don't make it and I'm slowly atomized, well everyone seems healthy and happy ... wuvs ya ... blah blah blah soft smile - billybear waves into the camera
"Self destruct initiated, self destruct in ten seconds"
Blast doors, thicker than bank vaults, slowly begin their decent. "roboMittens, evacuate!" billybear calls as he frantically waddles down the time tunnel, growing smaller, smaller ... gone. roboMittens scurries across the screen towards a descending blast door crapping AAA batteries in terror, barely getting through before it seals.
"Self destruct in five - four - three - two - one. Self destruct"
The camera shows sparks erupting from one of the consoles. Nothing happens. The time tunnel continues to spin as does the tomorrowTron... faster, faster, forming a temporal vortex, a rip in the space time continuum starting the slow inversion of N-Space...
"Lab lock down completed" The screen fills with static.
Billybear waddles down a hallway leading a Discovery Channel documentary crew into the time tunnel lab. They're working on the documentary, This is the Future of Perversion?!
"Is this thing going to be in HD? I really don't want to waste my time here.
What's the future of perversion? You guys actually make money on asking these nimrod questions? Really?! Who cares? The last thing we need is a bunch of Paxton types descending on us with notebooks and pens trying to help. On the technology front perversion has always been cutting edge, always will be. So where perversion goes in the future will be somewhat determined by the technology but I guarantee you if you look at some new use for a technology behind the curtain you'll find a perv trying to enhance his or her sex life. We like to have fun here on this playground. That's it, pure and simple. So I'm glad we solved that little mystery."
billybear rolls his eyes.
"Look I gotta power this thing up and get going. Can you believe I've been Her pet for 225 days? I'm proud of that. Guess I can't fairly count the years I'm about to leap forward. But 225 days? Too cool for school. Who'd have thought anyone could put up with my crap for that long?
Mittens you coming with me? Yeah I know it's not like you can say no anyway, no there's no Coke or mentos in the future, sheesh! Here hop in this Poké Ball. I hear Poké Balls are the rage in the future!"
Billy ushers the camera crew out of the lab. "You can tap into the lab feed for the video but you can't stay here. It's too dangerous for your puny brains. Byeeeee don't let the door hit you in the ass!"
The crew is escorted into the media room by some cattle prod wielding roboMittens. A plasma screen blinks into life, billybear stands nervously in front of the time tunnel, "MsGrace has ordered me into the future until I get my shit together."
Catlike movements. Prowling, She lopes past the bushes. She is a slinky green emerald, a vision of terrible beauty.
White rabbit ears extend from the bushes as She casually goes by. Sometimes the hunter becomes the hunted, sometimes the predator becomes the prey. He is downwind of Her, he is quiet, still.
Suddenly a naked billybear leaps from the bushes shrieking, "A BUGA BUGA BOOOOOOO!"
"OH! Cum for Me!!!"
His greased hand moves like lightening frantically trying to complete this command. He has very little time.
"Why you MOTHERFUCKER!"
"Now Princess, let's not be hasty ..." whacka-whacka-whacka
His screams can be heard for miles, "Oh my GAAWWWDDDD!!! Please don't snap it like a bread stick!!! AAAwwwwwwwww OOOOOOHHHHhhhhhh ggghhshgg!!!"
A bunny eared silhouetted figure arcs across the sky before landing in a rose bush. roboMittens cautiously approaches. "roboMittens, please record the fact that Princess may, just MAY have some Incredible Hulk in her. She's much stronger than she looks! Well? Where's the morphine?"
Orion or Lawsuit?
This picture smuggled out of Princess's camp by a former billybear lab's employee named 'jewel' who was shit canned for suspicion of espionage shows the horrible toll the green goo She's reputedly been drinking has taken on our beloved Princess! Either that or She's an Orion, Orion women are known for their wiles and sexual appetites and the fact they're just plain irresistible to either sex!
Normally I'd have Tracer run this down but I'm about 23 hours and 45 minutes from wrecking the universe so I'm gonna ask lucky to run with it. I would also ask for jem and banky's help but they're caged and pretty distracted.
I'm a little dozy ... Princess took me.
My karma has been realigned and oh so straightened. I may not be right with God but I'm fucking down with the Goddess! She took very, very good care of Her billybear. I almost feel ... righteous!
We even briefly tried a new fantasy, a serious fantasy. This lasted, what do you think Princess, five maybe ten seconds before collapsing under the weight of our mutual laughter. We get sidetracked so very easily. Oh you shoulda heard Her on that one, fighting to catch Her breath, "I can do this, I'm a professional!" Dammit it was fun. The concept that was tripping us up centered around these lines:
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! You cursed brat! Look what you've done!! I'm melting, melting. Ohhhhh, what a world, what a world. Who would have thought that some little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness.
Those were my lines of course and we were never able to get any further than 'I'm melting, melting.' In fact we started there. Wanna have some serious laughs with Princess? Take Her to Oz, I can't promise you you'll stay there long though :-)
I was operating under a pretty serious time constraint so we filed that away for maybe a later date and I handed Her the reigns. She took me to my happy place, taunted and teased me for naughty security codes in the lab and played with me in a way She liked too. I think we were both happy, I KNOW I was. I so melted, I always melt, for Her.
Princess tells me She has a plan to make both lucky and myself happy. Later that night the mittens/not_ace hybrid comes back. It eagerly enters the transmorgifier wishing nothing but to escape the lucky horror. Both come out unscathed! A grateful mittens leaps into my arms. It took awhile and a shotgun to get not_ace out the door. He seemed unfazed, and headed back to the Mansion. I later discovered a missing bottle of bourbon and some stogies but that was a small price to pay. Your brother is headed home ace sorry for the confusion we meant (meaning lucky as once again I was a hapless dupe) to get you!
I'm so happy. Only Princess could come up with a plan that had such an elegant solution. I wonder if Princess remembered to get back to Lucky of if she's amusing Herself with another at the moment.
What's that mittens? We should go see? And bring the billybear CattleProd 9000 ($19.99 from billybear labs!). Mittens I never knew you were so vengeful, that bastard hurts! Who am I kidding of course we'll go but let me check the charge first. billy gently and with great understanding touches the cattle prod 9000 to mittens forehead.
BUUZZZAAAAPPPP!
Oh yeah that bad boy is fully charged! Mittens look at you you cute puffy thing! I have missed you so!
Let's go see lucky! OK OK I'll carry you until the effects wear off.
I know one thing for sure, I've got a great friend and Mistress looking out for me. I also plan to ring the window with catnip and leave it wide open, I will be hoping for a visit from that One anytime!
THANK YOU PRINCESS!!!
From Your billybear and mittens.
Oh and did you see Her comment. She called me 'darling' ::big goofy grin::
I'm melting, melting ...
Wuvs Ya Princess ::kisses!::
Well I seemed to have hit a bit of a rough patch here karma wise. Yes apparently instant karma is going to get me. Hate it when that happens.
I've got a Mistress who's going to stuff me into a urn.
I've got a brother pet who's refusing to return my imaginary cat mittens so that he may continue to perform his dark perversions upon the not_ace/mittens hybrid.
I've got an entire platoon of psychiatrists and psychologists on the other side of the mirror there frantically scribbling notes and whispering into tape recorders because I'm actually a tad peeved over the kidnapped imaginary cat thing.
My call with Princess didn't go through last night :-( certain RealWorld events were showing far too much activity when they should have been still and quiet. The risk factor was deemed too high and if there's one thing I wont risk it's this thing Princess and I have going on, it's a very good thing :-)
That call was to help bring my karma back into line. Well maybe tonight, or tomorrow night but hopefully not later than Wednesday - Princess is sending me off again but hasn't told me where yet ("It's a surprise billybear - giggle"). And if it doesn't work out in the near future it will work out. I don't plan on going anywhere and neither does She. I just know I love our talks and I think She enjoys them too.
I did get to IM with Her briefly and She's happy, in a good mood though this green stuff (which apparently ISN'T an apple martini) She's drinking in prep for Her vision fast (She refuses to let me lead Her into the desert - go figure) isn't too yummy. She even gave me some homework which I'm very much looking forward to completing. Princess homework for billybear is somewhat rare but always good :-)
So as I stare balefully across the blogosphere at my brother pet I know that soon I will have to make a move. Princess has told me to be patient and so I shall, I've learned to listen to Her, She really does care for Her pets. I'm certain both of us will be very happy.
Tonight? Tomorrow night? Who knows but I do know this:
Talk to you soon Princess Grace - soft smile
Hi, I'm meeting with lucky pet today to discuss the recent caging of ggrrrrACE!!! Now we don't have a lot of time here lucky before the police arrive to determine exactly who ran who off the road but since you're trapped in your car I'm sure you don't mind answering a few questions.
BB: Have you ever spoken with Princess Grace?
LP: billy? Is that fucking you? I told you in the thousand emails that you sent to have your people get with my people and set something up.
BB: Really? I never heard back. So you've known her for awhile huh?
LP: Are you daft?
BB: How did you first cross paths?
LP: Hiking in the Himalayas. You really drive a cloud car?
BB: Yes which is why it doesn't have a dent in it. The Himalayas! She must love to snow ski! I didn't know that about Her! Has phone-sex technology changed in all those years? I mean did it use to be two tin cans and some string? What was that like?
LP: Well, it gave "reach out and touch someone" a different meaning.
BB: You could touch back then, in the ago? Well you've known Her longer than God so you can answer the great question, 'Who does She like better, me or jem?'
LP: That depends on the amount of damage done to my bootmobile.
BB: That's no answer! Was Her first blog like some sort of TTY thing or a newsgroup? Just a chalkboard? A letter? What?
LP: Lets put it this way, the people who have translated the Dead Sea Scrolls have it all wrong.
BB: What was your fondest memory from the 'early years' you know when you were young and didn't need Viagra?
LP: billybear my friend can you step a little closer to me?
BB: OWWWW! Was Princess always so naive? So innocent?
LP: I thought you wanted to help grrrrrAce?
BB: What about ace? He's Kate's pet. What's he got to do with this? Anyway next question. Do you personally blame yourself for Her slide into perversion?
LP: I hope so. Do you hear something? Is there a separate jail cell in the pokey for carebears?
BB: Yeah I hear the sirens. And no there isn't a separate cell. One final question! What would you say best describes all the years you spent with Princess?
LP: They have been the best right until this very moment.
BB: Until this very moment? You see Her? Where? TELL ME!
As I'm sure you all know ace has managed transmorgify himself into a really hot little number and is now being held captive by Lucky Pet for his own perverse needs.
I asked MsGrace, before she was apparently slain by 'Jimmy' who sent a chat thunder sound effect that blew Her right out of the water not to be seen since, said She liked ace caged. So no help there ace. I mention, because of the love we all feel for Princess, that Jimmy did not really kill Her and that She was dealing with a pretty severe thunderstorm on Her end of the line. Most likely She is dealing with a power outage and all is well but we should all tread carefully around Jimmy much like we do pothead. Anyway it was a hell of a TeaseTime and I look forward to jem's post on it.
What was I talking about? Something ... was it important? ... wait for it ... Oh yeah ace, or as she now prefers to be called ggrrrrACE!!!
Princess is apparently fasting but not to free ace so I volunteered to fast for ace and only eat his patented Oreo triple stuffs (which cause you to loose weight) until he was freed, but now that Jimmy has taken care of Princess who he called the Wicked Witch of the West, well sorta anyway, there was a definite allusion there! He might have even used a metaphor, the bastard!
What? ... oh yeah white slavery rings ... they're bad. No that wasn't it. Someone is caged but I'm not sure it's against their will.
Ace? Really?! Who would want to cage ace? Ohhh yeah...
So ggrrrrACE!!! even joined PETA to try and get out of lucky's cage of eternal deviancy making pathetic '...um...' sounds. The whole nine yards! NADA.
MsGrace MsAva MsReese MsTara MsVeronica UnidentifiedMistress (once She returns my calls) and I plan to interview Lucky Pet and get to the bottom of these atrocities. Not that they're on Jimmy's scale. Boy you think I'm a handful MsAva you should have seen Jimmy last night he even called MsTara a witch (but not in a good way more of a kill the witch way) and then someone not jem (yeah I know, go figure) managed to get spanked.
So I'm WHAT IS IT MITTENS? WOULD YOU QUIT INTERRUPTING ME?!
Ace? What about him?
OK, sheesh!
Ace is in a cage, let's all band together and free him. Wait a minute, maybe ggrrrrACE!!! likes being in a cage and used by lucky. No? You sure mittens? She wants to be back home with MsKate? Does MsKate know about ggrrrrACE!!!'s plight?
Would somebody please inform MsKate that Her pet has managed to get into a jam? See mittens I even bolded it, someone might notice. I'd do it myself but my hands are full with MsAva at the moment who seems to be irritated with me for some reason I can't fathom. I mean it was a great, in depth interview!
Fine! I'll wrap this up ... sheesh
I f you care as much as I do you'll help to liberate ggrrrrACE!!! blah blah blah
ggrrrrACE!!! you have my total backing until MsAva 'frees' me.
Well I'm not in the chatroom nearly as much as I use to be (wistful sigh) but I do everything in my power to make TeaseTime. Recently I've noticed quite few people fundamentally asking the same question:
