You Can Back Out of Every Deal Except One

Cross hairs slowly settle down on the well lit, perfect forehead of Princess Grace. The town clock begins to chime midnight, a second hand unwinds. A soft exhale of breath as the pull on the trigger tightens...

A lariat of spray painted gold rope floats soundlessly through the darkness, wrapping itself around the barrel of the silenced rifle and yanking it away just as the trigger is pulled. The high velocity bullet ricochets off of a a series of parking meters much like a pinball before smacking hard into lucky's stroking wrist, causing it to be of no use for the next several days.

The sniper wheels her hooded cloak billowing while simultaneously activating her light-ninjatō and snarling, "YOU!"

A perfect form silhouetted by the full moon, it's awesome black mane flowing through the breeze, thighs to die for, replies, "Yes, it is I!"

"My arch-nemesis ...

WONDERACE!!!"

WonderAce begins to sputter, "Oh, jeesh! Would you keep it down?! I just had to settle out of court for twenty billion bucks. I even had to put my Lariat of Hestia up on eBay, I got one hundred and thirty eight bucks for it. That will teach me to set a minimum bid next time. So look I'm a little tapped here, keep it DOWN would ya??!!!"

"wonderace wonderACE WONDERACE WONDERACE WONDERACE!!!!" the sniper's voice rising from a whisper to a scream.

Majestic dignity enfolds WonderAce who mutters, "OK, have it your way," while pulling a large boom box from behind a wall. "Let me introduce you to The House of Pain!" WonderAce sets the volume to eleven, punches play and says, "Shall we dance?"

Fifty poison tipped shurikens of certain death come in reply. The evil sniper ninja follows them with a blood curdling satanic scream, her ninjatō raised high over her head.

Down on the street the incredible caterwauling can be heard over the deafening rap music suddenly blasting from the rooftop. Tracer smirks, "Sounds like quite a cat fight! I wonder who's fighting over me now?"

Small explosions and bright flashes of light can be seen and heard coming from the rooftop when the plaintive wail of, "ooooowwwwwUUUUUUUuoooo oww OOWW wow wow WOW mmmmm" rises above the cacophony.

"Somebody just got mounted. I'd recognize that sound anywhere," says lucky while paramedics wrap an ace bandage around his wrist. The others turn and stare at him.

"Look, I have myriad interests in the field of perversion and that is definitely the sound of a big cat and a small cat getting it on! ... uh ... I think I might have seen it on the Discovery Channel ... yeah ... or .. Animal Planet? That's a channel isn't it?" lucky trails off. A nickel smacks him in the forehead, "OUCH!"

"We'll definitely be talking about that lucky! Oh yes indeed," says Princess Grace primly before muttering, "Weirdo ..." to no one in particular.

Tracer nods to Friday and two uniform cops, "Go check it out," before resuming escorting Princess Grace into the station house for booking. Friday takes off like a shot, relieved she wore sensible flats today. The two uniform officers try to keep up.

WonderAce falls back under the deadly shuriken barrage shrieking, "Sweet heavens!!! " before blocking them with the Bracers of the Aegis, "Be careful with those things!"

Charging WonderAce the ninja-sniper scatters a series of small balls which begin to erupt in bright flashes of light and smoke. Weaving through the smoke clouds and flash bombs with feline grace the ninja-sniper brings her light-ninjatō down with a crushing one arm overhead blow!

WonderAce casually blocks the blow with a crossed forearm maneuver allowing the evil ninja-sniper to duck under and deliver a wicked slash across WonderAce's magnificent thigh with a razor sharp tantō!

"ooooowwwwwUUUUUUUuoooo oww OOWW wow wow WOW mmmmm," screams WonderAce in dismay. "I just had those waxed you dirty, dirty little ninja! And that was a lucky shot! Darn it!!! I can't afford this right now," WonderAce moans before pitching a nickel over the roof while simultaneously delivering a savage wheel kick to the ninja-sniper's head knocking off it's hood while smashing the ninja into a wall!

"YOU! But ... you're not evil! You've always been so sweet and innocent!"

"You obviously have me mistaken for another, kind sir," smirks the ninja-sniper picking up her rifle, "for I am ..."

grendelMittens!

Cocking her head grendelMittens detects someone coming up the stairwell, "Ta!" she chuckles, flinging the rifle at WonderAce before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

Catching the rifle WonderAce barely has time to transform into kind multidollaraire ace before the door to the rooftop crashes open and a wheezing, gasping Friday covered in sweat barrels in.

"Six floors, sheesh, bet I have buns of steel now!" she pants while leveling her pistol at ace, "Freeze you weirdo! DROP THE WEAPON!!!"

Dropping the rifle a naked, flustered ace replies, "I can explain everything!"

"Ace?! Why are you naked holding a sniper rifle listening to rap music on a rooftop?" wonders Friday as she's joined by two equally exhausted cops.

"Well er ... that's really a good question ..." trails off ace thinking, "I really need to figure out the clothes thing ..."

"And where did you get that eyeshadow? It's to DIE FOR!"

"Oh boy" mutters ace.

Merry Christmas!!!

I just wanted to say

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

To all my friends (and I'm certain I'll forget one or two - sigh) Princess Grace, jem, lucky, ace, MsTara, MsKate, lil giselle, pantysue and even you StephMarie, may all of your Christmas wishes come true and you have the most pleasant of holidays!

So Let Us Not Talk Falsely Now, The Hour Is Getting Late

Once the decapitated corpse of Funshine Bear was found in the smoldering ruins of Paradise the care bears quickly departed town, leaving stunned townsfolk to rebuild. All they wanted to do was care but discovered without BillyBear they had no stomach for being the master race, not of Paradise anyway.

Everyone was disappointed having looked forward to a total occupation and complete domination by a master race. Some thought Christmas was totally wrecked.

Until the Mistresses reminded them that they already were dominated by a master gender.

The burning of the town was never adequately explained, the three Mistressteers remaining mum. It was quickly forgotten when a team of engineers showed up, funded by a mysterious donation of billions of nickels.

Jem was found in the local Cheescake Factory. She said she was in hiding after explaining to her 'tender' that her ass was too small and needed care.

By Christmas Eve most of the town was rebuilt.

Princess Grace was sitting by a large fire pit filled with roaring logs on the outskirts of the castle grounds with her friends enjoying an evening of eggnog and play on Christmas Eve. The party is winding down, nearing midnight when she hears a series of car doors slam, looks across a field and sees a series of flashing blue lights and a group of cops, led by Tracer trudging towards her.

"Uh oh"

Billy the Perverted Elf is deep inside boob mountain working his way towards The Heart of the Nipple as described in The Book of Certain Doom. He's been pouring over the book during rest breaks. He's not concerned about his killer, the one who set this in motion. He has bigger fish to fry and little time.

His headlamp illuminates what appears to be a dead end. He consults the book, moves several stones and twists a rock formation before pressing it into the wall. A deep rumbling is heard along with what sounds like rushing water, a door slides upward ...

Stopping mid-track in the field Tracer, the cops and the party guests look towards a moonlit Boob Mountain. Even though they're miles away the ground is shaking and what appears to be milk is shooting from the nipple high into the Paradise sky. Snow begins to gently fall. Tracer catches a flake on his tongue and mutters to the cops around him, "Looks like it's going to be a white Christmas," before continuing towards a visibly shaken Princess Grace.

The door in the cave finishes it's loud ascent. Billy cautiously enters the dark, unidentified tomb. He places a Coleman lantern on the floor, lights it and looks around. The walls are made of white marble with a mysterious writing carved into them. It takes him a minute to realize they're mathematical equations. He proceeds to the first wall and begins to study them closely. "Wait a minute," he thinks, "if these are true then a consciousness could jump ..." a sharp pain rips through his head, much like a bullet through gray matter. Clutching his head and screaming he falls to the floor unconscious.

He's in that half state of consciousness between awake and asleep. He hears a thought not his own, "I like it here in Paradise. So much mischief!"

"Wha?" thinks Billy.

He feels the thought presence pull back and from a distance say, "For me to stay in Paradise you must remain ... here."

Bright sunlight fills Billy's eyes. Across from him a young girl naps on a couch. She slowly awakens from her deep sleep, sees him and smiles. She knows him.

Tracer stops in front of Princess Grace looking sad and careworn.

"What's this about Tracer?"

"I think you know MsGrace."

"Not a clue."

Sighing heavily Tracer states, "You're under the arrest for the premeditated murder of BillyBear."

The guests gasp and back away except for jem, lucky and pantysue who edge forward. Tracer looks at them so sadly they stop in their tracks.

"I have to cuff you Princess."

"Can you use jem's?" asks a quiet Princess Grace.

Tracer inspects the high quality cuffs and nods affirmative after receiving the key from jem.

Softly Princess says, "I didn't do this. I have my suspicions on who did but it wasn't me. Can someone get me a lawyer on Christmas Eve?"

MsTara replies, "Don't worry about it. I'm a lawyer I'll help get you processed and out. In the meantime don't say a word!"

Tracer stumbles, his whole field of vision filling with a smiling little girl before clearing to this sad scene.

"Are you OK Tracer?" asks MsGrace.

"I've had better days Princess, I'm so sorry I have to do this."

Taking her gently by the elbow he leads her back to the waiting squad cars. Jem. lucky, pantysue, MsTara, ace and MsKate race to follow.

Cold and shivering Billy awakens on the cave floor. His head is pounding, he looks at his watch. 11PM!? If he's right about the Cylon base ship's missile exploding right when he blind jumped, and the cross-linking of roboMittens then it could be possible ... He begins scribbling equations on The Book of Certain Doom.

Arriving at the police station Tracer swears. It's covered with camera crews and news reporters. It's three minutes till midnight. He helps MsGrace out of the car, a group of cops begin shoving the reporters out of the way. The bright lights of the camera crews blind Princess Grace, but she's determined to hold her head high. She hears someone call out, "Why did you do it?!" She replies in a calm voice, "I am only a patsy!"

Across the street atop an office building a bullet softly gleams before being chambered in a high powered sniper's rifle. Cross hairs slowly settle down on the well lit, perfect forehead of Princess Grace. The town clock begins to chime midnight, a second hand unwinds.

Billy finishes his equations screaming and writing "NO!" at the same time. He feels the transformation back to his care bear self occurring. He runs for the door, knowing there's no time as he watches it descend. Suddenly all is quiet once more in the tomb as a lifeless blue paw releases a pencil, it rolls across the floor only to be crushed by the descending stone door.

"What is wrong with you?" The young girl stares into Billy's face with concern. "You know I hate it when your eyes get all crazy like that! They look like buttons, like doll eyes ... you're scaring me!" She peers closer at Billy before wheeling and running down the hall, her ringlets bouncing along with the pretty pink bow on the back of her pink, checkerboard party dress. Billy glances down at his white, kitten paws, catches his tail out of the corner of his eye, "Oh no, I'm trapped, trapped inside ..." before his fevered brain overloads and he passes out.

"Mom! MOM!!!" screams five year old Princess Grace in a farmhouse somewhere in Connecticut, "Something is wrong with Mittens!!!"

---

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion coming next year! Or maybe the year after that ... lmao.

But It's Alright, Ma (It's Only the Master Race)

As the care bears began setting up their stages for 'BearStock - Care for Billy as He Cared for You!' the town gathers at the festive lights and happy sounds. Shortly the thumps of helicopters can be heard as various musical acts arrive.

Everyone had lots of fun drinking electric pink kool-aid and stumbling around talking and listening to the groups. The concert went on all day and all night closing with the legendary band, It Really Doesn't Smell Like Fish!

"Gimme an 'H'"

"H!" roars back the ecstatic crowd!

"Gimme an 'A'"

"A!"

"Gimme an 'N'"

"N!"

"Gimme a 'D'!"

"D!"

"Whats that spell?"

"HAND!!!"

"Whats THAT SPELL?"

"HAND!!!"

"And it's one-two-three,
What are we jacking for?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn,
Just give me a lube covered hand,
And it's five-six-seven,
Open up those sticky pages.
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee, just let the cum fly!"

As the song progressed the care bears came wafting through the crowd riding on soft clouds of love and caring. Near the edge of the huge crowd at a tree line sat Princess Grace, MsKate and MsTara. They had been tormenting PantySue for sport and fun, "Go ahead sweetie edge for us again, good girl" giggled Princess Grace. The three mistresses had the side benefit of NOT letting lucky, jem or ace edge though they kept begging to.

MsTara mildly distracted since no one was being beaten was the first to notice, "Somethings wrong!"

All seven peer into the increasingly thick clouds observing various town folk cumming their brains out while dimly seeing a care bear approach saying, "That's good, go ahead and cum, let it all out and sleep. I'm here for you now, I'll always be here for you. I care for you!" As each townie falls into a deep slumber.

"LUCKY!" shouts an alarmed Princess as she sees him edge towards the fog, "COME HERE!"

The group retreats into the tree line. "What are we going to do?" asks jem.

"We need a fortified place to lay low!" says MsKate.

"Well I do have a castle just up the road a bit," replies MsGrace. They head for the castle.

The next morning ace extends a massive telescope towards town. It's one he just happened to have for 'bird watching.' He watches intently before reporting back to the depressed group.

"Best I can tell everyone is being escorted around by a care bear. Otherwise it looks peaceful."

"We need more information!" says MsTara, "Anyone get any calls?"

"All lines are down, the town is under a total blackout." replies MsKate.

"I'll go."

They turn and see jem standing there. She's decked out in too tight camouflaged short, shorts. A midriff t-shirt in a matching pattern and a large sun hat with pink sneakers.

Lucky gapes at this mixed message, "You might consider cargo pants and boots."

"And cover my tat? No way."

They discuss it for a bit before deciding that jem should do some recon. Jem heads out promising to return that night. The night goes by, no jem.

That morning there's a large contingent of care bears standing at the castle gate. The remaining group peers down at them over the ramparts. MsTara calls down, "What do you want? You sons of English K-niggets!" MsGrace stands next to her with Betsy.

A bright pink care bear calls up, "We want to care for you. Jeremiah said we could find you here."

"Jeremiah?"

"Once called 'jem.'"

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JEM?!" screams a frantic Princess Grace, sighting the bear with Betsy.

"Jeremiah is being cared for. His thought patterns have been deemed not ordinary and so is in one of our hospitals undergoing therapy. You will have to do the same since we care so much about you and your well being."

"Your saying jem's insane?"

"Until he complies with our therapy he will remain under our constant care. He seems to see himself as a girl and genetically speaking he's not. Until he admits to this under his own volition we will continue to punish him. Jeremiah will not be permitted to experience the wonder and beauty of orgasm until he complies!"

The group huddles behind the parapet, "We've got seventy days at least!" giggles Princess Grace, "Thank God it wasn't Billy ... or maybe that would have worked, he'd be wrecking the place from the inside out inside of five days."

The group ignores the care bear contingent and starts to plan in hushed whispers and giggles.

Around two AM that night the three Mistresses head out through a secret passage PantySue had designed but had forgot to mention to Princess. The three Mistressteers as they called themselves entered through a full length mirror next to Princess's panty drawer, looped around her dressing room, past her bedroom, her shower stall, and her shoe closet. All of which contained full length mirrors of the two-way variety.

She wheels on Tara and Kate when she hears the snickers, "Well what should I have expected? I'm in a castle full of perverts!"

Tara and Kate, giggling, reply in unison, "We're sorry Grace, but it is funny!"

They head down a few levels and there's a door. Princess opens it into a hallway with jem's, lucky's, pantysue's and billy's bedrooms off of it, "Figures," she mutters, making a mental note. They continue down and outside through some bolted door and around some bushes hiding it. They creep into the night towards Paradise before heading in three different directions.

Princess is hiding in some brush near Bob's BigG Assed Buttplugs Emporium when she sees what appears to be a small kitten, dressed as a ninja, scurrying down the alleyway between two stores. She watches it as it quietly slides its samurai sword from its scabbard. A yellow care bear goes past the alley when the kitten thing suddenly leaps up and beheads the hapless bear before darting back into the shadows.

"What the fuck?" whispers Princess before remembering what she's here to do. She arranges the two Molotov's, lights their wicks and pitches them at two of the stores. Out of the corner of her eye she sees the arcs of other cocktails. The dry wood of the stores catches almost immediately.

Paradise starts to burn.

And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only.

So All You Newsy People, Spread the News Around

"She's a sucker for tinsel," giggles MsTara as she adorns the Christmas tree in her tea party room before hanging a tiny wreath in a tiny cage. In the background is MsAva's interview with MsKate on CockRadio.

"Well that's just horrible! Who would do such a thing?"

"Oh, ace is not taking it well, I mean who would? The poor dear sent me the longest IM, says he can smell it through his aseptic bubble."

"Well, what sort of monster would spray ace's mansion with cat urine?"

"Perhaps someone thinks ace, my harmless ace, blew a big monster hole in BillyBear's head! Ace loved billy, but you know, not in a gay way."

"Guy love?"

Both Mistresses giggle ...

MsAva says, "So I see you brought a friend along. She's quite cute sitting on your shoulder like that."

"Oh, this is my pixie gal pal 'little Bella Hella" ...

Across town Princess Grace stands atop a stepladder ramming a toy care bear on it as its' star. The tree is covered with bright blue Christmas ornaments in the shape of balls. They make her giggle. Looking at her handy work and thinking of a missing elf she smiles wryly and whispers, "Hurry home BillyBear ..."

A quiet tap on her door breaks her reverie.

"Enter."

Dressed as the frilliest maid you ever did see, PantySue enters and proclaims in a drill sergeant voice, "A Friday and TracerBullet to see you MISTRESS!" Then while delivering her unnecessarily deep curtsy she slips on her seven inch heels, grabs for a table holding beautiful gingerbread houses that model the town made by Princess's pets and pulls the entire thing on top of her.

"PANTYSUE!"

"I'm sorry Princess! It wont happen again!" begs PantySue, frantically trying to get the table upright and the houses sorta put back together.

"That's the seventh time you've said that! I think 'corrective' actions are in order. Report to the dungeon and wait for Me."

"Nooooooooo"

"No?" Princess giggles with malice, "No? But that panty clad clitty betrays you My dear. Look at it PantySue, that's a good girl. See how much it wants to obey Me?" Princess Grace's voice goes pouty, "You do want to obey don't you pantysue? Need to obey? ... Me."

"Yes Princess ... anything."

"Off ya go then! But take those heels off, you haven't earned them yet. Nice sensable flats for you, but I wonder ... where can I stick those heels in the meantime? Oh I'm sure something will occur to me. Now show those two dicks in on your way out!"

She faintly hears The Party That Never Ends wafting from further down in the castle. She flips on CockRadio to drown it out. At the moment she's not in the mood.

Tracer saunters in with Friday following on her hands and knees. Oh sheesh, Princess thinks as she smiles fondly at Friday, "Get up you dork, now isn't playtime!"

"Thanks Princess, my knee was killing me!" says Friday while glaring at Tracer.

I'm NOT gonna go there, there aren't enough minutes in a day thinks Princess as she smiles at the two dicks, "How can I help you?"

Tracer lights a cig, inhales and then exhales a large cloud of smoke, "Nice tree."

Under Princess's stony stare he drops his eyes looking frantically for an ashtray. She makes him so nervous he always forgets about her hatred of cigarettes. He finally ends up snuffing it out on the shattered remains of a ginger bread house, "Sorry about that MsGrace. We were just wondering where you were when BillyBear bought it."

"Oh, I was at the parade."

"Anywhere in particular?"

"I was up on the university observation deck. I had a great view of the parade and the surrounding area!"

"Alone?"

"Well Betsy was with me."

"Betsy? Can we talk to her?"

Princess grins and heads over to a cabinet where she hands Tracer an unbolted rifle, "Meet Betsy, ask her anything you want."

Tracer examines the rifle carefully, "Hmmmm an M40A3 Marine issue sniper rifle. Do you have any bourbon?"

"Sure!" says Princess, "On the rocks?"

"Nooooooooo Tracer!" says Friday while rubbing her knee, "We TALKED about this."

Princess puts two and two together and says, "How about a Freska?!"

Tracer glumly replies, "No thank you."

Friday chimes in with, "I bet you have a perfectly good reason for being alone on an observation tower with a rifle easily capable of blowing away BillyBear at 1,100 yards dontcha Princess Grace!"

"Nope."

"Good enough for me! Come on Tracer this nice Mistress had nothing to do with Billy's untimely demise!" says Friday while she grabs Tracer's arm and limps towards the door.

Tracer holds his ground and raises an eyebrow at Princess, "Why the rifle?"

Princess sighs heavily, "Deer."

"Yes?" Tracer blushes.

"Not dear you nimrod, deer! I hate them! Ever since one decided to make a hood ornament on my car I've had nothing but contempt for the over bred bastards! They're just giant squirrels to me. I was hoping to take a few out with Betsy."

Moaning and whimpers can be faintly heard coming through a door adjoining the den. Princess cocks her head and listens before smiling at the two detectives, "I'll be right back."

As she strolls across the floor she seems to change, becoming stronger, more controlling, more beautiful, as she opens the door the two can hear, "I am Your slut ... Your toy ... use me for Your amusement ... make me ..."

Princess calls into the room, "You will edge for Me fifty times you naughty little stroke slut!" before slamming the door. She blows a wisp of brunette hair from her face and strolls back up to Tracer, "Anything else?"

Tracer smiles wryly, "The things that you make those boys do ..."

Princess's face hardens but she masks it with a smile, "You like to play with me dontcha Tracer? Some say 'exclusively' in fact I think I may have even heard you say, 'anything Princess' during our little chats."

Tracer stares at the floor blushing hard, "Yes, Mistress."

Princess's voice goes soft and commanding, "We play lots of games, have lots of secrets and you'll do annnyyyything for Me, wont you?" Tracer is breathing hard, Her fingers are brushing lightly against his face, his lips, his crotch. He moans.

"Awwww Tracer is something rubbing you the wrong way sweetie? Can I help you? Do you want to cum baby?"

"Yes I want to cum for You!"

"mmmmmmm Tracer I like that. And I want you to cum for me but what will you do? Anything?"

"Oh God yes, ANYTHING!"

"Goodie! Go in the other room and fuck lucky in the ass!" They can dimly hear lucky stop edging, followed by the sounds of the door being barricaded.

Tracer goes white, looks at the floor and quietly says, "No."

"No? But Twacy Wacie said he'd do ANTHING for Me." Princess is smiling at Tracer, "Rob a bank then?"

"No."

"Well then you can't cum."

"Of course I can."

"But you choose not too."

"Yes I choose ..."

"EXACTLY - You choose and there's not a thing I can do about it. In fact Tracer I don't WANT to do anything about it. I've said it once, I've said it twice, I'm a pleasure domme. I'll dominate for your pleasure and in dominating you I get pleasure. But I'm not going to get you to do something you don't want to do. As we know each other over time I'll find buttons you weren't aware of and push you in directions that you might think you don't want to go but I can't make you do something you don't want to do! Nor would I ever want to! Jesus when billy first talked with me do you think he ever imagined I'd have him hopping around in his back yard with the most ridiculous set of self made pointy bunny ears on his head trying to screw a melon? Ask him if he didn't have a blast! Go on, ASK HIM!"

"Well he's dead."

"Good point."

"But I get your meaning, I guess my choice of words was a poor one."

"Bingo!"

Billy The Perverted Elf is climbing the first of a series of hills that lead to boob mountain. He's high enough that he can see Paradise in the valley below and a series of colorful flags headed down the road towards the town. He peers hard at the flags, mutters, "Oh no! They'll come bearing gifts ..." and increases his efforts.

Suddenly the world goes topsy-turvy and he's creeping slowly down a sun lit hallway. His senses totally alert, almost as if he's stalking something, or someone. He catches a glimpse of brunette ringlets and the giggle of a child before his head hits the path and he passes out cold.

Jemmie sits down on her couch with a wince, slowly raises her skirt and gently peels off the protective bandage covering her new tattoo. She looks at it a bit, gets up from the couch and starts decorating her Christmas tree. She couldn't be happier. She's so happy humming Christmas Time Is Here that she doesn't hear MsTara on cockradio:

"We interrupt this broadcast! One hundred thousand care bears are outside of town. They are erecting large stages and tents for 'BearStock - three days of caring' for their fallen BillyBear..."

The King of the Drunks

A heavily bandaged jem stares fearfully out at Tracer and Friday from a partially opened door, "Oh, it's you two." She leaves the door ajar while heading back into her house. Tracer and Friday follow.

Friday quietly asks, "What happened to your face jemmie?"

"Looks like she found a bargain rate on ebay for a plastic surgeon to me," cracks Tracer, "You planning on taking a trip jem?"

"Fuck you Tracer!" jem mutters, "Look I don't know what hit me, it was dark, fast and whatever it was struck in total silence. It was all over me, never making a sound and all I could keep screaming was, 'NOT the thigh, dear sweet Lord, NOT THE THIGH!"

"Well it looks like you stuck your head into a bag of cats, why not the thigh?" wonders Tracer.

"It does look an awful lot like cat scratches jem," consoles Friday, "I hope you don't get 'the fever' and turn into Ted Nugent, that would be awful!"

"Yes Friday, Ted was such a pretty little thing before he caught the fever," says jem, tears welling in her eyes, "Now so horribly disfigured. What an awful thing to have happen."

"Why not the thigh?" insists Tracer.

"Tracer she's been through a lot the poor dear!" interrupts Friday.

Tracer brushes past Friday, stopping inches from jem, "Why not the thigh?"

Jem softly replies, "Because of the tattoo. I can't have any damage before it's applied."

"Let's see it."

"Oh, I haven't done it yet, but I posted a picture of it in my blog."

Tracer scoffs, "Oh yeah, I saw that - that isn't the real tat, let's see the real deal."

Jem quietly hands Friday a photograph.

"OH MY GAWD JEM! That has to be the prettiest thing I've ever seen! I sooooo want a tattoo like that of my own!!!!" Friday hands the photo to Tracer.

Both girls avert their eyes and continue talking when Tracer brings out a battery powered black light which sets off his trench coat like the Fourth of July. He peers closely at the photograph, turning it this way and that.

Finally he moves between Friday and jem in his usual loutish way and says, "Hey Friday, what is this winged creature? Some sort of pixie?" while holding the black light over the photograph.

Friday goes pale and stutters out, "Uh ... Oh ... I ... I think so."

Keeping Friday's reaction shielded from jem, Tracer hands the photograph back, "Beautiful tattoo jem! Did you pick it out?"

"Well Princess had a lot of input, I wanted her to."

"Thanks, we'll probably be back with more questions. Oh! I nearly forgot. Where were you when BillyBear was shot?"

"I was at the parade."

"Anywhere in particular?"

"I was up in the book depository warehouse, it was the only place where I could get a good clean ... view."

"Anyone with you?"

"Nope, you two have to go, I have to change my bandages."

Tracer and Friday stand out in front of the house. They can faintly hear Cock Radio coming from jem's speakers and MsTara saying, "In other news the CareBear nation was deeply offended at the loss of, and I quote, 'the greatest Care Bear of all time!' Unconfirmed reports state that a million Care Bears are marching on Paradise swearing vengeance on an uncaring populace."

Friday says, "I'm sure there's a reason Tracer, there has to be!"

Tracer says nothing, just heads down the street. Friday follows along. They walk along the dusty main road of Paradise and enter the first bar they see.

Tracer buys a bottle of bourbon and asks for two shot glasses. He heads to a dark corner table and sits down. Friday sits to his right. He slops in some bourbon into both glasses and shoves one at Friday. He slams his shot back, lights a cig and mutters, "Not even eight hours into it and I already hate this fucking case."

Friday turns her shot glass around in slow circles between her hands and replies, "We can always drop the case Tracer."

"Are you kidding me Friday? We're broke and with the bear dead we're not gonna be seeing any of that settlement." Tracer glances at Friday's full glass before tossing back another shot, and then another.

Friday hates it when Tracer gets this way, "Slow down Tracer."

"Fuck off."

Friday tries a different tack, "Did you see how the pixie was pointing her middle finger at the name 'BillyBear' do you think it means anything?"

"Yeah, Paul is dead."

"What?"

"It means about as much as those dudes playing Beatles albums backwards and pouring over album covers. All it means is that someone really doesn't like BillyBear."

"Yeah, but who and why?"

Tracer stubs out his cigarette and lights another, following it with two more shots, "Well jem is looking pretty damned sweet for this, I've got Princess Grace's written confession along with this Princess Grace doppleganger walking around saying it was someone with gigantic boobs. And you know what that means right?"

Tracer pours bourbon all over the table trying to hit the shot glass, maybe he should have had that second breakfast burrito and skipping lunch isn't helping any either. Friday doesn't try to help, still staring into her untouched shot glass like it was some crystal ball, "Yeah, it means Gretchen and some other Mistresses."

"Yep, they loooovvveee me! I use to be pretty good at this ..." Tracer drunkenly laughs. He tosses another couple of shots back and lights a cig before noticing he has one in his hand, fuck it he thinks and takes a drag off of both of them, "I sincerely hate this case!" He barely notices as two dudes enter and head to the bar.

"I tell ya, I was the best! Do you remember that one case?" bellows Tracer trying to think.

"Which one, there were like five or six."

"The one with the panties!!!"

"They all had panties you idiot!"

Not even coming close to thinking, just reacting Tracer draws his forty-five and shoots Friday in the knee. Suddenly he's staring at two large caliber six-shooters, hardly hearing Friday's shrieks, trying to focus on the guns. The room is turning in slow, soft circles and he's waving his forty-five at something. Staring blearily at the two guns he says, ""You want some?" before his head hits the table.

The King of the Drunks begins to dream ... light ... dark ... light ... he's staring into a field, but the perspective seems wrong, low to the ground. A girl, maybe five or six years old is running towards him, her ringlets bouncing. Her smile is brighter than sunshine, she knows him ... dark ...

Upcoming Christmas Special on PRV

Charlie Brown, Rudolph, and A Christmas Story step aside, there is a new classic in town. Awwww poor babies. Coming Christmas Eve, ONLY on PRV!

This preview will DESTROY YOUR MIND, so view with caution!!!

It's Mighty Funny. The End of Time has Just Begun.

"He's back!"

"Who?"

"I'm not gonna say."

"Well thanks for the heads up you dork."

"Well it costs money to say his name and times are tight!"

"Oh my God - his house blinked back into existence???"

"Yep this is the third time the ancient one has returned ..."

Billy The Perverted Elf nearly looses his grasp from the garter of assuredly NOT Princess Grace's thigh. He's been busy wiping precum off of her thigh praying like a mantis that she wouldn't notice. She's been, he suspects, walking like a runway model on purpose to increase the friction of him pressing against her trench coat and then her stocking covered thigh. The bouncing up and down isn't helping much either.

With bated breath he calls down to lucky scurrying around in her boot ::tosses a slug hoping he wont notice::, "Is it true? Your house has returned?"

All he gets back are the fevered sounds of repeated edging and plaintive whispers, "Right now I am Your bitch. Your slut and Your whore. Use me for Your amusement. Make me fuck a melon while You Fuck me up the ass! Make Your whore cum hard then lick it all up after You ruin that orgasm all over my face! I am a filthy whore ... "

Oh great, lucky ::tosses a buck - this is going to be one long call:: has overstimulated himself, again. He's worthless in this state.

Billy releases his grip from definitely NOT Princess's garter and drops to the sidewalk. He defiantly returns the stares of the people around him. Perverted Elves are feared and loathed, even by shrimps who simply call them the demeaning 'perv!' Surprisingly in Paradise perverted elves are scorned. His people enslaved by Santa, he fled that tyrant swearing to liberate his people but he's busy, right now he's trying to figure out who blew his brains out just a little ways down the street. He has eighteen days ...

He returns to the shattered hole that once comprised BillyBear Labs, his crowning achievement. Finds that someone has dug open his secret cigar box where he kept his CareBear porn. "What sort of perverted freak would steal a Care Bear's porn?" he wonders. Praying frantically that they didn't dig deeper his panicky elf fingers scrape away the well packed dirt lying below the cigar box.

Sighing with relief he pulls out a shrink wrapped cigar box and rips it open. Carefully packed in it lies

The Book of Certain Doom

by the prophet BillyBear

A book he had written when he was lost in the wastelands. He flips to the chapter, It's Mighty Funny. The End of Time has Just Begun and begins to read:

a tattooed thigh
the ancient one returns
the master race arises
while paradise burns

mistresses enslaved
a bullet softly gleams
tombs close on those
better left unseen

the blink of a cat's eye
all that was is not
two riders approach
a bear loudly shot

it's mighty funny
the end of time has just begun
when dream's collide
there can be only one

Billy The Perverted Elf watches the wind flip the pages of The Book of Certain Doom. Softly he mutters, "I know who shot me."

Tragic Footage

PRV (the network that brings you Awwww Poor Baby!) has received incredible footage of the BillyBear 'Thanks Twenty Billion ace!' celebration parade just minutes before he was gunned down. Thanks MsTara and lil giselle for providing footage of the little blue darling!

Also seen is 'lucky pet' who said, "SURE! I'll perform my dark masterpiece Cumming Changes the World, beats my day job, but I insist on wearing shades and a wig so no one recognizes me" 'he' can be seen singing after taking monster hits from a helium tank. "The right key is critical to the mood of this song and since my testicles dropped a few hours ago I've been struggling with the high notes."

"I just wish the camera hadn't died like BillyBear did," said a forlorn lil giselle, "All I caught was BillyBear acting like a total ass and you can see that every darned day! Seeing him gunned downed by some unidentified, enraged pervert, well ... not as much." All MsTara would say was, "What a dork, we shouldn't loose sight of that!"

Cha-Cha-Cha Changes ...

The soft, casual click-clack of stilettos can be heard echoing down a hospital corridor. It grows quiet as they pause in front of a door labeled 'Morgue'. She pushes the door open and sees a man in a white lab coat bent over a tiny blue figure arrayed on an autopsy table, the lab coated man is holding a whirling skull saw in his hand speaking into a Dictaphone, "Subject is four feet one inch tall, covered in blue fur with what appears to be a large caliber bullet hole in the center of ... ma'am you can't be in here!"

"Did you just call me ma'am?!"

"Um, listen sweetie I'm sure you're all concerned about your teddy bear here but he's beyond caring and ..."

"You must be new to Paradise, where are you from?"

"I'm Doctor Ralph Morganstern I'll have you know! They flew me in from the Mayo Clinic to perform this autopsy!"

"Big deal back in the Real World huh?"

"I'll have you know I'm THE leading forensic pathologist in the country!!!"

"Wow and did all that book learning and practical experience lead you to the conclusion that someone shot in the head with the back of their skull blown out is actually dead?"

"Well yeah but there was never a brain - just stuffing."

"Lot of folks around here will tell you that's billy in a nutshell."

She's standing quite close to him now, staring frankly into his eyes. She looks menacing and vulnerable at the same time. He can't keep eye contact, keeps dropping his eyes down to the hint of cleavage he can see through her partially unbuttoned trench coat and then ping ponging away finally settling on the corpse on the table.

Smiling, her shining lips part as she touches the tip of her tongue to the lower part of her upper lip, "First time here?"

"Yes."

"I think you'll find Paradise ... unique."

"Oh it's just another place ..."

"Said the doctor about to autopsy a stuffed care bear." She titters behind her hand.

"Well ..."

"I think you should take a break Doctor Morganstern. Take a look around town, pay attention to what you see. You'll find a billionaire cookie maven who's allegedly Wonder Woman when he's not a tiger. You'll find a talking shrimp who's wit can shred you like the Ginsu knives he fears. You'll find a dude who'll charge you a nickel every time you say his name. You'll see a woman with the largest boobs you can imagine, flutterbyes, pixies, sissy architects, hockey fanatics, castles and an island filled with giant women and if you're lucky ... shit ... give me a nickel."

The doctor meekly hands her a nickel.

"Thanks, that reminds me I have to drop by the bank later for a couple of rolls, you might want to do the same."

"Why?"

"You'll find out. Anyway ... if you're ... fortunate ... you might even come across the succubi." She smiles primly at him.

"There are no such things!"

"Said the doctor about to open the skull of a care bear. I think you'll find you're no longer in Kansas Dorothy."

"I told you my name is Ralph! I'm no girl!"

"Uh huh." She slowly runs her finger down the center of his shirt, over each button. She whispers, "We all have needs Dorothy, hidden desires - I can help you with that and all just for the smallest taste of your soul - it's not too much to ask is it?"

"My name is ..."

"Unimportant." As he starts to protest again she raises her index finger to her lips, "Shhhhhhh, I'll find you tonight Dorothy-kins and we'll continue our little talk. Now ... go see the sights, you'll find our Victoria's Secret and other shops to be quite well stocked with whatever might catch your fancy. Buy yourself a pretty pink souvenir - you can show it to me later."

"I SAID ..."

"Shhhhhhh ... go! Mommy has work to do."

"Mommy? What ..."

"Go."

Blushing the doctor slams open the swinging doors of the autopsy room and heads out into Paradise.

She sits on the edge of the autopsy table and picks up the lifeless blue paw, "Oh billy ... you really should quit pissing people off. I better hear some nervous giggling and have these paws wringing soon! You have an appointment with a Christmas tree on the twenty-fifth you pervert."

She smiles softly and removes some mistletoe from a pocket in her trench coat, "Tara told me this should work, only I can do it though ..."

Holding the mistletoe over his head she kisses him gently on the lips and then sits back as the transformation occurs. No one, not even billy can explain exactly how he became a were-elf, but from December first till 12AM Christmas day he is an elf of unimaginable perversion. Three feet of leg humping desire.

She smiles as she hears the first ragged breaths and then jumps back from the table as he leaps up with his hands clasped over his head before bowing and blowing kisses. Suddenly he stops, noting his surroundings, "Where am I?"

"In the Paradise morgue. You took a round in the head. BillyBear is dead."

"Who shot me?"

"Don't know. I saw something ... could have been jem. Whoever it was had huge boobs, couldn't make them out for sure though, they were back lit on this grassy knoll."

"Who's on the case and please don't tell me it's Trace ..."

"Tracer and Friday"

"Super. What day is it?"

"December first."

"So I've got about twenty four days huh?"

"Yep."

"Bring me mittens!"

She sits and stares at him.

"Oh my, did I just give you an order? Look my brains were scrambled ..."

"I'll let this slide - once."

Sweating profusely he mutters, "I'll get a hold of mittens, who must have completed her ninja training by now. I need to identify the killer so that I can fix this ... um ... somehow."

"You should go into witness protection - if the killer knows you're alive they'll try again ..."

"Well it's tough to take out an elf, much harder than a care bear. I need to get out of here unseen."

She opens her trench coat, "Climb up my leg and hold on."

Billy climbs up her to her thigh.

"JESUS billy, the outside of my thigh and stop sniffing, you sound like a bloodhound! It's kinda gross and I am NOT in the mood."

"Yes Princess."

"And if you cum, puppy, I SWEAR your suffering will be legendary! You think jem was in a cage for a bit? I wont give a rats ass how insane you'll go in denial if you jizz on these hose! Toughen up buttercup! And be careful I think 'not lucky' is crawling around in my boot and if he gets off he'll suffer the same fate! I hate walking around town in squishy boots! DO YOU HEAR ME??!!!"

"Yes Princess Grace."

"Who said that?!"

"We did."

The soft, casual click clack of stilettos can be heard echoing down the hospital hallway. She giggles at the confused nurse as she strolls on by - a nurse who would later describe to the paparazzi that she could have sworn she heard the most pathetic whimpers and moans issuing from under that mysterious lady's trench coat.

Crime Scene Investigation

Update: Princess Grace posted a bit of a back story to this unwinding tale! Thanks for playing Princess - I suspect you'll be interviewed by Friday and Tracer and maybe even MsAva! :-) If you're a BSG geek Princess posted a nice comment on the Razor post too which I'll have to comment on too.

Tracer suspiciously eyes a lone singer on the sidewalk belting out tunes for change with a harmonica and a banged up accustic guitar, "You read the paper a few days ago?"

Friday positions herself between Tracer and the singer blocking Tracer from doing something rash. His loathing of street singing is well documented by various police reports ever since he got booted off of American Idol, "Yep - you mean that whining beggy article? Filled with 'I beseech you ...' and 'I implore you" ...'

As they near the singer Tracer pauses to listen.

Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your mouth,
Blowing down the back roads headin' south.
Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your teeth,
You're an idiot, babe.
It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe.

"Yeah, that one - I laughed my ass off."

"Well Tracer I did too but there was sincerity that I found endearing, and then I puked in my mouth a little."

Both detectives chuckle as they duck under the police tape. Tracer eyes Friday. Her hair is pulled back in a severe bun, she's wearing a white blouse and a gray ankle length skirt with white socks and mary jane shoes along with horn rim glasses.

"What's up with the outfit Friday?"

"Tracer you know that Paradise doesn't have a Crime Scene Investigation unit! That's why the town hired us. I'm just trying to look professional!"

"You don't wear glasses Friday!"

"I look more official!"

"Do not."

"Do too."

"NOOOOOTTTTTTT"

"TOOOOOOOOOOO"

"Well that dog collar you're wearing makes you look like a perverted librarian - professional my ass."

"Princess gave me that collar Tracer."

And Tracer knew that was that. End of story on the attire. He unconsciously takes out a cigarette and lights it and looks at the crime scene. Exhaling smoke he asks, "Any confessions?"

Friday glares at Tracer, "It's been thirty minutes since BillyBear was shot - so - no!"

"Was just hoping to get home a little early today Friday."

"Yeah I know Tracer - I handle your mail - I saw that your latest issue of Princess Tats came in."

"Well I'm hoping to see the legendary 'lower back tat'! It's suppose to be in this issue! So, where'd the shot come from?"

"THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT!"

"I think that bun is making you cranky - simmer down. Hey! What's all this stuffing? Did your falsies pop out Friday? Wait - that evil check kiter jem, you know the one with the enormous gazoongas - is she doing that weird cummy game again? Ewwwww am I standing in jem jizz?"

"Ewwwwww Tracer YUCK!"

A brunette, wearing a long trench coat like a flasher, a fedora and black stiletto boots walks up muttering in a tinkerbell voice, "Those are billy's brains ..."

Both detectives jump back, "EWWWWWWW!"

The brunette, a hint of cotton candy about her, whispers in Tracer's ear.

"Thanks some hot babe who couldn't be Princess Grace! Friday! Get your ass out of Billy's Brain and let's go talk to this jem character!!! NOW GOD DAMMIT!"

"What Tracer?"

"Look at that poll over there! And that hot babe who couldn't be Princess said the shooter had 'HUGEEEEE big tripple E breasts.' Let's go talk to this 'jem'!"

The Grassy Knoll

Mr. Bear! MR. BEAR!!! Melinda Manjuice from Stroke HARDER You Worthless Pantywaist! Now that ace industries has paid you twenty billion dollars and eighty-three cents to restore the labs he maliciously blew up out of jealousy ...

Alleged jealousy at my obvious genius Manjuice - ace just wanted to end the case and this was most cost effective for him.

OK, alleged jealousy at your obvious genius ... what do you plan to do with the money?

You mean besides phonesex?

Yes.

Rebuild the labs of course! All the roboMittens need upgrades and we have a remarkable new prototype in the works already. The Killer Robot which through an accident of our random name generator is actually quite benign well except for the killing and all. We're trying to get it out before Christmas!

Mr. BEAR! Henry Handjob from Look at Me and Get Weaker Bitch Boi!

Yes?

Nothing just wanted a blurb on CockRadio for my new blog. I will say that it was most kind of MsTara to broadcast this historic occasion of ace having his ass handed to him live over the radio!

Mr. Bear! Mr. Beaaaarrrrr! Smithers from Sycophant-ace! Is it true that you used blackmail and 'hired goons' to coerce sweet. mild mannered, never hurt a fly and so much brighter than you could ever hope to be ace into handing over this trifling amount of money from his point of view?

GASP! Why I would NEVER resort to such nefarious means! You are a cad! Will one of my hired goons please beat this idiot up? Now I have a parade to attend to in my honor! It's not everyday I get to sit in a convertible and wave to my adoring fans!

MsTara here. The 'Waddling Blue Wonder' as he now refers to himself is being helped into the limousine by some bimbo in a pink pillbox hat. That's all she's wearing. It's a beautiful summer day here in Paradise and I have to confess I've never seen the grumpy little blue guy look happier!

They're proceeding at a parade pace down the Boulevard of Dreams. Awwww the asshole is mooning the crowd. He must think that's funny. What a dweeb. Now he's standing on the back of the car blowing kisses and taking bows ...

WAIT!

Something has happened ....

OH THE HUMANITY!!! BillyBear is down!!! BILLYBEAR HAS BEEN SHOT!

It sounded like a series of backfires and then BillyBear's head snapped back with a large puff of stuffing emerging from the back of his head!

The limo is serpenting for some unknown reason. Oh now it's speeding off, I hope you listeners can understand me through my uncontrollable sobbing at this potential loss to humanity!

BILLYBEAR HAS BEEN SHOT!

Who would have performed such a monstrous act of pure unadulterated EVIL?

Please vote on the poll to the right on who YOU think shot BillyBear! On this cliff-hanging season ending until the next post of Billy's Brain (now all over the back of the limo).

BattleStar: Razor

If you haven't seen it, this is nothing but spoilers, you've been warned!


I thought this was a pretty good flick but I feel bad for BattleStar. This has to tide us over until March - sheesh. NBC/SciFi is dragging this out too long. In fact I almost forgot the danged thing was on last night and would have had to perform unspeakable acts on mittens had she not leapted onto the remote and keyed in SciFi's channel.

Like Firefly only short of canceling the series could a network mishandle a series any worse than BattleStar is being handled.

Primarily the plot is about what happened to the Pegasus when the Cylons attacked. There was also what went on with Adama in the first Cylon war. One thing I caught was as a youth Adama radioed for the Galactica which gives you an idea of how old that ship is.

Gina (the 'Six' model) was Cain's lover and when she's discovered to be a Cylon it explains why Cain had her repeatedly raped as an 'interrogation' technique, "Lieutenant Thorne, I want you to interrogate our Cylon prisoner, find out everything it knows, and since it's so adept at mimicking human feeling, I'm assuming that it's software is vulnerable to them as well, so... pain... degradation... fear... shame... I want you to really test it's limits. Be as creative as you feel the need to be." I'm saying it explains it but certainly doesn't condone it.

Cain struck me as a psychopath. As the movie opens she's joking around with her XO and talking about visiting, once the war starts when he refuses an order she immediately shoots him in the head. She's ruthless and I found her behavior anything but human. This she explains by holding up a knife and stating we have to be 'razors' in order to be victorious.

Adama later muddies the waters excusing Cain's actions. I found myself more in the Lee camp at the movies end.

Kendra Shaw was awesome as Lee's first XO. Haunted by her actions though those didn't come to light until later. Katee Sackhoff (Starbuck) was awesome too.

I found the 'old' Cylons interesting and brought back memories. I was SO hoping the hybrid of theirs was the old Baltar from the original series but alas no. There were lots of fun little tips of the hats to science fiction movies, like the soldier being dragged off by the cylons before being shot in the head by Kendra was named 'Hudson.'

The big reveal by the old school Cylon hybrid, who appeared much more aware of his surroundings than the newer models are, "this has all happened before, and it will all happen again." Everyone and their brother is convinced this will be the pivotal plot point of the final fourth season. I tend to agree but am not sure exactly how yet - I hope to God an entire universe isn't trapped in some time loop much like Stephen King's The Dark Tower series (boy was I annoyed!).

The other big reveal was that Starbuck is the harbinger of doom. I've always wanted to be a harbinger of doom ... I tend to take this info, since it came from a Cylon hybrid with a HUGE grain of salt. Cylon's are masters at manipulation.

I really liked this movie and am left with a touch of melancholy. I REALLY miss this series!

Your thoughts?

Rumors and Innuendo

He slouches into the office catching a harried billybear on the phone, "I know ... I KNOW GOSH DARNIT!!! These dumb labs don't come cheap! Come on ace, I've fallen on hard times, hard times surely you can float a loan! I needed to blow the labs up, they were out of date and all."

The figure tosses a manilla envelope on the desk and lights a cigarette.

Muttering, "Responsable my ass ..." and slamming down the phone BillyBear stares at it, "What's this?"

"My paycheck."

Ripping open the envelope a photograph falls out. BillyBear picks it up and examines it before tossing it back to the detective.


"So? It's Wonder Woman, what am I suppose to do with this?"

"Look CLOSELY!"

Picking the photo back up BillyBear peers closely at it before beginning his crappy evil laugh which irritates anyone who's heard it, "Oh yes this is quite a nice picture indeed, should it be leaked to the press. Can't have that can we? HaHaHaHaHaha ha ... ha ..."

"Stop it."

"Oh PantySue will be green with envy!. I believe the labs will be open very shortly and you'll get paid!"

As the detective leaves the Motel 8 room he hears, "Ace we need to talk about your homework ..."

WonderAce!

Broken Toy

I got to get to her somehow
All the people we used to know
They're an illusion to me now ...

The portcullis raised as the two approached. The wind increased in its violence snapping banners to shreds along the ramparts. An alarm bell could be dimly heard.

Reigning their horses in the courtyard they are immediately surrounded by suspicious castle security. The storm is much quieter here almost an echo of the rage that cavorts outside ripping through the once idillyc countryside.

Dismounting they hand their leads to one of the security men and wait.

A nervous man, carrying a pink umbrella, wearing a maid's outfit and collar approaches, "State your business."

"We wish an audience."

"Who doesn't?"

"We've come a long way."

"Who hasn't?"

Fed up the man in black draws his pistol and points it at the officious prick's forehead, "Listen riddle boy take us to her or I swear to God things will get very ugly, very fast."

"I can't"

He picks up the tempo of his reply as he hears the hammer cock, "She's around but not seeing anyone at the moment. It's near Thanksgiving and she's quite busy in her RealWorld! I ... I can take you to a messenger however ..."

Re-holstering his gun the two follow the man into the castle proper. He leads them through various hallways and foyers, all elegantly adorned with tapestries and furniture. Finally they arrive at a receiving room. A large fireplace warms the room, Sarah Mclachlan can be faintly heard coming from invisible speakers.

As they hang their sopping dusters and hats the officious prick addresses them from the doorway, "Would you like anything to drink? We have the most delightful Apple Martinis or perhaps I can scrounge up some Electric Pink Kool-Aid, though that's sooo yesterday's news and hard to find since the lab blew up ..."

They stare at him in silence.

Clearing his throat while he exits he says, "Um, OK then! I'll send for the messenger!"

Almost immediately a rotund yellow man, grinning from ear to ear enters the room, "You sent for me?"

"Who are you?"

"Aye Em"

"We wish to speak to the Princess!"

The yellow fool stands there grinning.

"Well??? Go tell her!"

"I have but she has not replied. Perhaps she is busy or uninterested. Currently she's not there but she frequently is, just invisible to me. She's quite popular you know and must pick and choose whom to give her attentions."

"And you did all this just standing there?"

"Yes."

"Well come back if she decides to reply."

The yellow man leaves. The two wait in silence.

After awhile the man in black gets up from the plush chair and begins pacing around the room, examining various knick-knacks in the curio cabinets.

"Do you think her fans sent her these things?"

"Aye, items that might have held her fancy for awhile and are now just for display. Have you sent her things? I have."

Examining a pair of pink sunglasses the rider replies, "Aye, I tried to send her things she would use. She may be using one of them now if she remembers she has it. I sent it to her about this time a year ago." Blowing the dust off of the glasses he sets them carefully back down and picks up a broken string puppet, absentmindedly dusting it.

"Heh, look at this, the poor lad has lost his leg," removing a pocket knife he picks up the puppets leg and carefully reattaches it, "Good as new!" Both riders grin as they watch the puppet dance on a coffee table before solemnly taking a bow. The rider almost reverently returns the puppet to its place in the cabinet.

"She use to brag about fixing broken things. That she liked to take them on. Remember how she seemed to enjoy just playing and cavorting with her friends?"

"She's changed."

"Yep, now one rarely hears from her. She hardly ever initiates a conversation. She no longer strolls through the blogs laughing or having fun, causing trouble ... seemed to start about a year ago, now that I think on it. And now you can only get guaranteed access once a week for an hour in a crowded room, much like a press conference. Some conversations you do not want to have in a room full of strangers where you're simply trying to get a word in edgewise."

"Well we mustn't push her!"

"What's that mean? Does that mean don't rock the boat? Stir the pot? Voice a concern or make a suggestion? Many times when I didn't think I was 'pushing' it was interpreted as such. I was just trying to figure things out. Eventually the conversation became a dance around the topic and me staring at the tea leaves afterwards trying to figure out what was said! I mean how does one 'push' a domme anyway??!!"

"You could call her, try and hash this out."

"Aye, I could and possibly will but I'm not sure she'll take the call. Anyway it's not the calls I'm talking about, it's the other stuff."

"The perks."

"Yeah, what happened to those? The IMs, comments, all that stuff. It just seemed to go the way of the Dodo."

"Well she said it could end at anytime, by either one of you."

"I know, but I was expecting a notice or something, not this death by asphyxiation. Something more dramatic! You know how I feel?"

"No."

"I feel like that toy over there, once shiny, bright and new now thoroughly explored and quietly collecting dust in a curio cabinet. An unwanted, useless thing. That's probably not the way it is, but that's how it feels! I tried so hard to amuse."

"You've amused many."

"I know, and that means a lot to me! But when I erected my tepee next to yours I was hoping for more interaction with her, for awhile I got what I needed ... wanted ..." the rider's voice trails off as he stares into the fire remembering. Softly he mutters, "Time to go ..."

He walks across the room and puts on his duster and hat.

"Where are you going?"

Staring at his brother rider from under his hat, rain from its' lip softly hitting the floor he replies, "Oh, I don't know. I'll still be around but I'm not going to wait for Aye Em any longer."

"I think I'll hang awhile longer."

"I know. That's why there are two. Of the two of us you were always the stronger. I hope you recognize that in yourself someday!"

"Some think I'm insane."

"Some are pathetic idiots and who gives a fuck what they think?"

The white rider smiles, "I'll miss you."

"I'm not going anywhere. She's changed, I've changed in response to that. I still honer, love, trust and respect that lady, the simple fact is she is incapable or unwilling to give me what I need. I need more ... interaction. I still think of myself as her friend. I'm still here, just not as involved."

The two riders stare at each other, one casually arrayed on the couch, the other in the doorway. The black rider nods, smiles and leaves.

But me, I'm still on the road
Headin' for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just saw it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue

Two Riders

Raw heat shimmers off the baked floor of the wastelands causing phantasms, demons, illusions and hope to dart in and out of existence. From nowhere they appear, both on horseback. One in black the other white, they ride in silence, heads down like their near dead horses.

They exit the wastelands and head east. Coming to a stream they dismount, water their horses and wash the dust from their clothes and themselves. They build a fire and sleep through the night, neither will ever mention what they saw in that desert.

They come to a home that is and is not there, it blinks in and out of existence like a promise yet to be kept.

"I hope it comes back, it sure was a swell place!"

"Two."

"Yes two places both different and yet the same, do you think there will be others?"

"Yes, but I don't know when the next incarnation will appear."

"Well I miss him!"

The other stares off, a smile flashing across his face the echo of a memory.

They move on eventually approaching a quaint home now run down and in disrepair.

"He said he'd be back, do you think he'll be back? He was such a nice man!"

"He was a gentle man."

"So, do you think he'll be back?"

"No. This place is too dangerous for him, he was a victim of his own appetites. Of course his appetites were encouraged but that's the nature of this place and we're all big boys, right? I hope he's happy where ever he is now."

"I think one of the dolls killed him! Those things are dangerous!"

They continue onward at a steady pace. The one in black lights a cheroot.

"Do you remember when we first came to this place?"

"Aye, it was a much different place then. It was more playful, more fun or so it seemed."

"It was new."

"So were we. Now we're old ..."

They enter the town of Paradise. Ambling their horses down the center of the town road they pull up in front of a saloon and enter. Over in the corner some drunk has been is blubbering to a bar girl with enormous breasts.

"I tell ya, I was the best! Do you remember that one case?"

"Which one, there were like five or six."

"The one with the panties!!!"

"They all had panties you idiot!"

The sound of the gunshot causes both riders whirl with lightening speed drawing their six-shooters as the woman falls to the floor clutching her knee and screaming like a banshee. The drunk peers wearily at the riders distractedly waving his forty-five at nothing.

"You want some?"

They sit at the bar and slam back a couple of whiskeys watching the drunk's head hit the table while his companion wraps a torniquet around her leg with well practiced efficiency. They tip their hats in her general direction, mount their horses and move on.

On the outskirts of town they pass a large mansion high on a hill. Dusk is falling and a storm is rolling in. Dark, angry clouds are illuminated by flashes of lightening. Thunder can be distantly heard.

They stare up at at the mansion as flood lights begin to blink on illuminating the well manicured lawn, the topiaries and shrines.

"They say he's gone insane, like Howard Hughes did. Only eats the cookies between two other cookies. Once cooked they can't be touched by human hands. I hear his mom is pissed, her baking load has tripled."

"Well 'They' say a lot of things."

"Do you think it's true?"

"No, he just got busy ... like the rest of us."

"You heard about Midnight Madness ..."

"Yes, it made me sad to hear there will be no more. I could rarely attend but when I could I would at least get to see him again inside that weird bubble of his. Now? ' Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;' What was seems to be succumbing to entropy. No one cares or seems to. This place is highly transitory anyway. I was hoping to stay longer."

"You think we're too late."

"One of us should make it."

"That's why there are two riders."

"That's why there are two."

Thunder rumbles through the landscape. Lightening illuminates a distant castle. They button their dusters and pull their hats down as a gentle rain begins to fall.

"Looks like a bad one."

"We've weathered worse."

"Trueeeeee ..."

"I wish I knew what happened. Everyone just wondered off. Well it all boils down to probability distributions. You can't know a particle's position and momentum at the same time. Change occurs and in some universe it was probably for the better."

"Do you always speak gibberish? I mean what the fuck?"

"It means God is in the details."

"What???"

"Look if that wasn't true then we should be able to construct a computer to predict to position of every atom in the universe at anytime. If we could do that we could predict the future with certainty. The fact that we can't know the position and momentum of a particle implies free will."

"So?"

"I don't like being a puppet. I want to choose! So I tend to look at change through those lenses. I'm not happy about where things are at compared to where they once were but I can't bitch too much about anyone choosing their path, I can only react to it. I've lost hope."

"I will never give up!"

Tears well in the black rider's eyes, "Which is why you're so loved. Your faith that things will work out shines from your spirit. Oh, and never say never."

They nudge their horses into a gallop as the rain starts falling in sheets.

A pet mans a rampart looking out over the newly constructed castle grounds. He shudders against the rain and looks at the rapidly advancing thunderhead with concern. Lightening begins to strike. Behind him rock music and laughter can be distantly heard, this is a place where the party never ends. As the wind picks up he wishes he was inside with the rest of them but knows he must perform his duty to Her.

Suddenly he stiffens, peering intenty into the gathering gloom before running to sound the alarm.

Two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl ...

Ringing Up and Down the Line

As a nervous BillyBear approaches the mic, Bob Dylan nods and steps back. In a raspy, whiskey drenched voice BillyBear belts out the final verses of Dylan's masterpiece Spirit On The Water.

I wanna be with you in paradise
And it seems so unfair
I can't go to paradise no more
I killed a man back there

You think I'm over the hill
You think I'm past my prime
Let me see what you got
We can have a whoppin' good time

And remember, each time you cum without permission Princess Grace dies a little!

Happy Birthday Ace!

MsKate informs me that today is a certain tiger's birthday!

I offer this ill prepared congratulations on what I hope is the finest of days for you ace!!! You deserve better than this from me but it's the best I can do at the moment, sorry!

May all your wishes come true ace, particularly those involving MsKate :-)

Your friend,
BillyBear

Thursday on Awwww Poor Baby!

On tonight's season premiere ...

Two caged pets from two different Mistresses, both over 40 days in 'captivity.' One key, one whimper-dome. Add two M1 tanks, one mortar, 14 Kalashnikovs (they were on sale), a bunch of rotten eggs and tomatoes, seven mascara brushes, a pumpkin cannon and a dildo and you have a recipe for DEATH!

Tonight on Awwww Poor Baby! someone dies!!!

Will it be jem???!!! GASP!
Will it be ace???!!! GASP!

Will it be that sniveling whiner over there in the corner, let's HOPE SO!!!

WHO will deal the fatal blow? ace? (GASP!) jem? (GASP!) or Princess Herself ("This is taking too looooong, I'm bored" BANG BANG BANG) proving beyond a shadow of a doubt She needs more time on the target range with that pretty pink pistol of Hers.

Tune in at 10PM EST in the main chatroom and find out who lives and who dies (or at least gets a really nasty paper cut) on tonight's Awwww Poor Baby!

Fortunately it wont be me (I knew you were concerned, everyone releases a grateful sigh of relief). I'll be in the car heading south to visit another grave.

Good luck ace and jem, jem and ace! Princess sight that pistol for crying out loud, if you're gonna shoot somebody make sure it's the one you're aiming at!

Happy Anniversary Jem & Princess

Wow a year! That's an accomplishment! I really don't know how Princess did it! Valium? All the backstabbing and whining - amazing!

Billy snaps a salute towards the great state of Connecticut.

Jem is just 29 hits from 10,000 - drop by her blog and up her counter so she's not all pissy at TeaseTime tonight. Please! If jem is bitchy we all suffer.

Me? Well I've got 4,365 more hits to make 10,000! jem always was the prettier one...

::runs off sobbing::

Impact

Sign here ...

scribble scribble scribble

and here ...

scribble scribble scribble

Initial here

scribble

and here and here

scribble scribble

Are we done?

Yes we are

FINE! I just love having my ass handed to me by you legal shyster fucks!

Perhaps you shouldn't represent yourself in the future Mr. Bear.

Perhaps you should shut the fuck up Larry! Now shoo!!!

So I'm hanging out on the corner of the chatroom crying into a beer, while alternating between bong and cig hits minding my own damned business when this mushroom cloud of pissyness erupts from the west.

::billy tosses a roll of nickels into the bucket::

Apparently lucky didn't read the post thoroughly. I left instructions with roboMittens to set the comment thingy to one week after departure. It actually ran a little later than that, but at 7AM yesterday commenting was turned off.

Well lucky didn't like that. Nope. Not one bit. He voiced his displeasure with a comment in jem's blog and I knew my days were numbered.

Now listen up all you newbies and wanna bes in the Princess Grace realm of influence - take notes, PAY ATTENTION and dear sweet Lord take heed! After Princess Herself and tightpants the one person you do NOT want to irritate is lucky. Got that?

Irritate lucky ==> BAD.

Now everyone in the chatroom always starts chiming in at this point, "Who is this lucky?"

It doesn't matter you sniveling worms! He is a lumbering (and face it lucky you do lumber when the mood's upon you) mountain of a Pet (with a capital 'P') who crushes anything in his path. So make nice with lucky not because he's one of Princess's first pets but because he's a hell of a nice human being and I'm proud that I'm considered someone worthy enough of actually irritating him. I miss his blog though.

While this was going on I was watching with fascination jem's latest attempt at suicide over in Princess's blog. The banter between lucky and Princess was moving a little too quickly in the comment section and I figured they were either in IM or on the phone (I hope phone for them and Princess was having lucky do something particularly pervy!) but I figured he might be giving Princess an earful on this comment thing. It would boil down to, "Oh and by the way Princess I'm really not too happy about not being 'team member' on billy's blog." For the record, no one was a team member. It was the only way to turn off comments.

So let's fast forward to TeaseTime...

If you missed TeaseTime last night well too bad. Princess produced three MP3s for her adoring fans. The Stroke Princess Takes a Pet, Tease a sissy - which is just wrong if you think about it, sissies HATE being teased by hot chicks like Princess - though amnesty international doesn't seem to give a glorious goddamn about it after hearing the MP3 and Stroke Princess shows you how to fake. Princess 'requests' that you comment on those MP3s. I plan too. You should too.

Yeah so TeaseTime is hopping and Princess tosses out there that lucky says 'hi' and I ask her to relay 'hi' back and She mentions that she will but lucky is none too pleased with me at the moment. I mull this over while TeaseTime takes off, the particulars I'll leave to jem to report.

So my time is winding down and I toss out to Princess, "So how do I make nice with lucky?"

Do you know what I think? I think you need homework. Vacation is over billy, now get off your fat ass and open that blog back up like now.

Fat ass? Fat ass??!!! I'll have you know the webcam adds ... ... FORTY pounds to my ass PRINCESS GRACE! sheesh! Anyway Princess frequently speaks gibberish and I understood Her better back when I was a prophet but I'm pretty sure She's saying, "Let's not have a case of the pot calling the kettle black, billybear" - She might have a point - soft smile.

Then she tosses out that she'll be looking for me tonight. Well that may present problems but She is a Princess and more importantly to me, a friend so I'm going to do my damnedest to be there. If it happens it should be around the usual time Princess, if not I'll IM that too.

Princess knows I'm prone to fiiiiiiits, yes fits. It happens to super-geniuses such as myself and there may be something with the inbreeding too but I still dispute that! My sister-aunt-cousin-mom agrees with me 100% but Princess seems more than willing to toss me out into the blogosphere knowing full well my mind is not clear. Billy glares at lucky and jem, never at Princess the way he's seen them glare at Her when her back is turned. No, billy is the goooood pet.

So I ask Her what to blog about.

Well why don't you finish what you started?

That can be taken on so many levels. I've been staring at this fork in the road for about a week now. Let's go right, see what's down there. Here we go ...

Okay... cardboard box, Cylon base star, five near light speed nuclear missiles, roboMittens counting down to a blind jump

ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

What are you doing?

Larry what are you still here for? I shoo'd you!

I thought you were talking to me.

Well I wasn't! This is a blog and I was talking to myself wondering if anyone would actually take the time to read this drivel.

So what's with the ommmmm thing?

It's some hippie thing MsTara yaks about when trying to get back into the flow of a story.

---

... relay to zero, one, zero, zero

BANG BANG BANG BANG ...

end of line.

ju..

Impact. Five nuclear warheads silently blossom death in the void.

The end.

---

Well, I should have just wrapped that up on the other post. I feel kind of embarrassed now.

ahem

Ahem WHAT Larry?

You can't do that.

I just did.

Larry shows billybear the contract he just signed guaranteeing that there would be no sudden cliff hangers or dramatic 'is he dead?' endings for this post.

Oh for crying out loud! FINE! FINE! FINE!

---

A gentle breeze ruffles the curtains near his bed. His eyes blink open to afternoon light and a powerful headache. A man in an odd suit sits across from him.

Who are you?

You are number six.

Oh MY GOD not my wookie! Hey if I'm number six where's my rack and hot body? I've always wondered about multiple orgasms ...

You are not THAT number six.

Give me a mirror! Billy stares intently into the mirror, oh thank God, I thought I was Patrick McGoohan for a second.

You will be given many tasks and challenges to complete.

I am a carebear NOT a number!

You are number six, we will now begin ...

Where am I? roboMittens? Shhhhhhh, she hasn't noticed us. MY GOD! I wonder what tonydshrimp would make of THIS! OH! OH! I really didn't need to see up THAT dress! Maybe if we just creep away we can get out of this jam ...


DANGER! DANGER! WILLIAMBEAR DANGER!

Hush roboMittens! Oh for shits' sake...

Somebody needs a swishy queen makeover!

billySix RUNS!

Episode One: Escape from Giant Barbie Faggot Island

Come see billybear in his exciting new series:

billybear! The Prisoner Lost in Space

sigh, I look like a dork don't I? I just hate that!