You Can Back Out of Every Deal Except One

Cross hairs slowly settle down on the well lit, perfect forehead of Princess Grace. The town clock begins to chime midnight, a second hand unwinds. A soft exhale of breath as the pull on the trigger tightens...

A lariat of spray painted gold rope floats soundlessly through the darkness, wrapping itself around the barrel of the silenced rifle and yanking it away just as the trigger is pulled. The high velocity bullet ricochets off of a a series of parking meters much like a pinball before smacking hard into lucky's stroking wrist, causing it to be of no use for the next several days.

The sniper wheels her hooded cloak billowing while simultaneously activating her light-ninjatō and snarling, "YOU!"

A perfect form silhouetted by the full moon, it's awesome black mane flowing through the breeze, thighs to die for, replies, "Yes, it is I!"

"My arch-nemesis ...

WONDERACE!!!"

WonderAce begins to sputter, "Oh, jeesh! Would you keep it down?! I just had to settle out of court for twenty billion bucks. I even had to put my Lariat of Hestia up on eBay, I got one hundred and thirty eight bucks for it. That will teach me to set a minimum bid next time. So look I'm a little tapped here, keep it DOWN would ya??!!!"

"wonderace wonderACE WONDERACE WONDERACE WONDERACE!!!!" the sniper's voice rising from a whisper to a scream.

Majestic dignity enfolds WonderAce who mutters, "OK, have it your way," while pulling a large boom box from behind a wall. "Let me introduce you to The House of Pain!" WonderAce sets the volume to eleven, punches play and says, "Shall we dance?"

Fifty poison tipped shurikens of certain death come in reply. The evil sniper ninja follows them with a blood curdling satanic scream, her ninjatō raised high over her head.

Down on the street the incredible caterwauling can be heard over the deafening rap music suddenly blasting from the rooftop. Tracer smirks, "Sounds like quite a cat fight! I wonder who's fighting over me now?"

Small explosions and bright flashes of light can be seen and heard coming from the rooftop when the plaintive wail of, "ooooowwwwwUUUUUUUuoooo oww OOWW wow wow WOW mmmmm" rises above the cacophony.

"Somebody just got mounted. I'd recognize that sound anywhere," says lucky while paramedics wrap an ace bandage around his wrist. The others turn and stare at him.

"Look, I have myriad interests in the field of perversion and that is definitely the sound of a big cat and a small cat getting it on! ... uh ... I think I might have seen it on the Discovery Channel ... yeah ... or .. Animal Planet? That's a channel isn't it?" lucky trails off. A nickel smacks him in the forehead, "OUCH!"

"We'll definitely be talking about that lucky! Oh yes indeed," says Princess Grace primly before muttering, "Weirdo ..." to no one in particular.

Tracer nods to Friday and two uniform cops, "Go check it out," before resuming escorting Princess Grace into the station house for booking. Friday takes off like a shot, relieved she wore sensible flats today. The two uniform officers try to keep up.

WonderAce falls back under the deadly shuriken barrage shrieking, "Sweet heavens!!! " before blocking them with the Bracers of the Aegis, "Be careful with those things!"

Charging WonderAce the ninja-sniper scatters a series of small balls which begin to erupt in bright flashes of light and smoke. Weaving through the smoke clouds and flash bombs with feline grace the ninja-sniper brings her light-ninjatō down with a crushing one arm overhead blow!

WonderAce casually blocks the blow with a crossed forearm maneuver allowing the evil ninja-sniper to duck under and deliver a wicked slash across WonderAce's magnificent thigh with a razor sharp tantō!

"ooooowwwwwUUUUUUUuoooo oww OOWW wow wow WOW mmmmm," screams WonderAce in dismay. "I just had those waxed you dirty, dirty little ninja! And that was a lucky shot! Darn it!!! I can't afford this right now," WonderAce moans before pitching a nickel over the roof while simultaneously delivering a savage wheel kick to the ninja-sniper's head knocking off it's hood while smashing the ninja into a wall!

"YOU! But ... you're not evil! You've always been so sweet and innocent!"

"You obviously have me mistaken for another, kind sir," smirks the ninja-sniper picking up her rifle, "for I am ..."

grendelMittens!

Cocking her head grendelMittens detects someone coming up the stairwell, "Ta!" she chuckles, flinging the rifle at WonderAce before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

Catching the rifle WonderAce barely has time to transform into kind multidollaraire ace before the door to the rooftop crashes open and a wheezing, gasping Friday covered in sweat barrels in.

"Six floors, sheesh, bet I have buns of steel now!" she pants while leveling her pistol at ace, "Freeze you weirdo! DROP THE WEAPON!!!"

Dropping the rifle a naked, flustered ace replies, "I can explain everything!"

"Ace?! Why are you naked holding a sniper rifle listening to rap music on a rooftop?" wonders Friday as she's joined by two equally exhausted cops.

"Well er ... that's really a good question ..." trails off ace thinking, "I really need to figure out the clothes thing ..."

"And where did you get that eyeshadow? It's to DIE FOR!"

"Oh boy" mutters ace.

Merry Christmas!!!

I just wanted to say

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

To all my friends (and I'm certain I'll forget one or two - sigh) Princess Grace, jem, lucky, ace, MsTara, MsKate, lil giselle, pantysue and even you StephMarie, may all of your Christmas wishes come true and you have the most pleasant of holidays!

So Let Us Not Talk Falsely Now, The Hour Is Getting Late

Once the decapitated corpse of Funshine Bear was found in the smoldering ruins of Paradise the care bears quickly departed town, leaving stunned townsfolk to rebuild. All they wanted to do was care but discovered without BillyBear they had no stomach for being the master race, not of Paradise anyway.

Everyone was disappointed having looked forward to a total occupation and complete domination by a master race. Some thought Christmas was totally wrecked.

Until the Mistresses reminded them that they already were dominated by a master gender.

The burning of the town was never adequately explained, the three Mistressteers remaining mum. It was quickly forgotten when a team of engineers showed up, funded by a mysterious donation of billions of nickels.

Jem was found in the local Cheescake Factory. She said she was in hiding after explaining to her 'tender' that her ass was too small and needed care.

By Christmas Eve most of the town was rebuilt.

Princess Grace was sitting by a large fire pit filled with roaring logs on the outskirts of the castle grounds with her friends enjoying an evening of eggnog and play on Christmas Eve. The party is winding down, nearing midnight when she hears a series of car doors slam, looks across a field and sees a series of flashing blue lights and a group of cops, led by Tracer trudging towards her.

"Uh oh"

Billy the Perverted Elf is deep inside boob mountain working his way towards The Heart of the Nipple as described in The Book of Certain Doom. He's been pouring over the book during rest breaks. He's not concerned about his killer, the one who set this in motion. He has bigger fish to fry and little time.

His headlamp illuminates what appears to be a dead end. He consults the book, moves several stones and twists a rock formation before pressing it into the wall. A deep rumbling is heard along with what sounds like rushing water, a door slides upward ...

Stopping mid-track in the field Tracer, the cops and the party guests look towards a moonlit Boob Mountain. Even though they're miles away the ground is shaking and what appears to be milk is shooting from the nipple high into the Paradise sky. Snow begins to gently fall. Tracer catches a flake on his tongue and mutters to the cops around him, "Looks like it's going to be a white Christmas," before continuing towards a visibly shaken Princess Grace.

The door in the cave finishes it's loud ascent. Billy cautiously enters the dark, unidentified tomb. He places a Coleman lantern on the floor, lights it and looks around. The walls are made of white marble with a mysterious writing carved into them. It takes him a minute to realize they're mathematical equations. He proceeds to the first wall and begins to study them closely. "Wait a minute," he thinks, "if these are true then a consciousness could jump ..." a sharp pain rips through his head, much like a bullet through gray matter. Clutching his head and screaming he falls to the floor unconscious.

He's in that half state of consciousness between awake and asleep. He hears a thought not his own, "I like it here in Paradise. So much mischief!"

"Wha?" thinks Billy.

He feels the thought presence pull back and from a distance say, "For me to stay in Paradise you must remain ... here."

Bright sunlight fills Billy's eyes. Across from him a young girl naps on a couch. She slowly awakens from her deep sleep, sees him and smiles. She knows him.

Tracer stops in front of Princess Grace looking sad and careworn.

"What's this about Tracer?"

"I think you know MsGrace."

"Not a clue."

Sighing heavily Tracer states, "You're under the arrest for the premeditated murder of BillyBear."

The guests gasp and back away except for jem, lucky and pantysue who edge forward. Tracer looks at them so sadly they stop in their tracks.

"I have to cuff you Princess."

"Can you use jem's?" asks a quiet Princess Grace.

Tracer inspects the high quality cuffs and nods affirmative after receiving the key from jem.

Softly Princess says, "I didn't do this. I have my suspicions on who did but it wasn't me. Can someone get me a lawyer on Christmas Eve?"

MsTara replies, "Don't worry about it. I'm a lawyer I'll help get you processed and out. In the meantime don't say a word!"

Tracer stumbles, his whole field of vision filling with a smiling little girl before clearing to this sad scene.

"Are you OK Tracer?" asks MsGrace.

"I've had better days Princess, I'm so sorry I have to do this."

Taking her gently by the elbow he leads her back to the waiting squad cars. Jem. lucky, pantysue, MsTara, ace and MsKate race to follow.

Cold and shivering Billy awakens on the cave floor. His head is pounding, he looks at his watch. 11PM!? If he's right about the Cylon base ship's missile exploding right when he blind jumped, and the cross-linking of roboMittens then it could be possible ... He begins scribbling equations on The Book of Certain Doom.

Arriving at the police station Tracer swears. It's covered with camera crews and news reporters. It's three minutes till midnight. He helps MsGrace out of the car, a group of cops begin shoving the reporters out of the way. The bright lights of the camera crews blind Princess Grace, but she's determined to hold her head high. She hears someone call out, "Why did you do it?!" She replies in a calm voice, "I am only a patsy!"

Across the street atop an office building a bullet softly gleams before being chambered in a high powered sniper's rifle. Cross hairs slowly settle down on the well lit, perfect forehead of Princess Grace. The town clock begins to chime midnight, a second hand unwinds.

Billy finishes his equations screaming and writing "NO!" at the same time. He feels the transformation back to his care bear self occurring. He runs for the door, knowing there's no time as he watches it descend. Suddenly all is quiet once more in the tomb as a lifeless blue paw releases a pencil, it rolls across the floor only to be crushed by the descending stone door.

"What is wrong with you?" The young girl stares into Billy's face with concern. "You know I hate it when your eyes get all crazy like that! They look like buttons, like doll eyes ... you're scaring me!" She peers closer at Billy before wheeling and running down the hall, her ringlets bouncing along with the pretty pink bow on the back of her pink, checkerboard party dress. Billy glances down at his white, kitten paws, catches his tail out of the corner of his eye, "Oh no, I'm trapped, trapped inside ..." before his fevered brain overloads and he passes out.

"Mom! MOM!!!" screams five year old Princess Grace in a farmhouse somewhere in Connecticut, "Something is wrong with Mittens!!!"

---

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion coming next year! Or maybe the year after that ... lmao.

But It's Alright, Ma (It's Only the Master Race)

As the care bears began setting up their stages for 'BearStock - Care for Billy as He Cared for You!' the town gathers at the festive lights and happy sounds. Shortly the thumps of helicopters can be heard as various musical acts arrive.

Everyone had lots of fun drinking electric pink kool-aid and stumbling around talking and listening to the groups. The concert went on all day and all night closing with the legendary band, It Really Doesn't Smell Like Fish!

"Gimme an 'H'"

"H!" roars back the ecstatic crowd!

"Gimme an 'A'"

"A!"

"Gimme an 'N'"

"N!"

"Gimme a 'D'!"

"D!"

"Whats that spell?"

"HAND!!!"

"Whats THAT SPELL?"

"HAND!!!"

"And it's one-two-three,
What are we jacking for?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn,
Just give me a lube covered hand,
And it's five-six-seven,
Open up those sticky pages.
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee, just let the cum fly!"

As the song progressed the care bears came wafting through the crowd riding on soft clouds of love and caring. Near the edge of the huge crowd at a tree line sat Princess Grace, MsKate and MsTara. They had been tormenting PantySue for sport and fun, "Go ahead sweetie edge for us again, good girl" giggled Princess Grace. The three mistresses had the side benefit of NOT letting lucky, jem or ace edge though they kept begging to.

MsTara mildly distracted since no one was being beaten was the first to notice, "Somethings wrong!"

All seven peer into the increasingly thick clouds observing various town folk cumming their brains out while dimly seeing a care bear approach saying, "That's good, go ahead and cum, let it all out and sleep. I'm here for you now, I'll always be here for you. I care for you!" As each townie falls into a deep slumber.

"LUCKY!" shouts an alarmed Princess as she sees him edge towards the fog, "COME HERE!"

The group retreats into the tree line. "What are we going to do?" asks jem.

"We need a fortified place to lay low!" says MsKate.

"Well I do have a castle just up the road a bit," replies MsGrace. They head for the castle.

The next morning ace extends a massive telescope towards town. It's one he just happened to have for 'bird watching.' He watches intently before reporting back to the depressed group.

"Best I can tell everyone is being escorted around by a care bear. Otherwise it looks peaceful."

"We need more information!" says MsTara, "Anyone get any calls?"

"All lines are down, the town is under a total blackout." replies MsKate.

"I'll go."

They turn and see jem standing there. She's decked out in too tight camouflaged short, shorts. A midriff t-shirt in a matching pattern and a large sun hat with pink sneakers.

Lucky gapes at this mixed message, "You might consider cargo pants and boots."

"And cover my tat? No way."

They discuss it for a bit before deciding that jem should do some recon. Jem heads out promising to return that night. The night goes by, no jem.

That morning there's a large contingent of care bears standing at the castle gate. The remaining group peers down at them over the ramparts. MsTara calls down, "What do you want? You sons of English K-niggets!" MsGrace stands next to her with Betsy.

A bright pink care bear calls up, "We want to care for you. Jeremiah said we could find you here."

"Jeremiah?"

"Once called 'jem.'"

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JEM?!" screams a frantic Princess Grace, sighting the bear with Betsy.

"Jeremiah is being cared for. His thought patterns have been deemed not ordinary and so is in one of our hospitals undergoing therapy. You will have to do the same since we care so much about you and your well being."

"Your saying jem's insane?"

"Until he complies with our therapy he will remain under our constant care. He seems to see himself as a girl and genetically speaking he's not. Until he admits to this under his own volition we will continue to punish him. Jeremiah will not be permitted to experience the wonder and beauty of orgasm until he complies!"

The group huddles behind the parapet, "We've got seventy days at least!" giggles Princess Grace, "Thank God it wasn't Billy ... or maybe that would have worked, he'd be wrecking the place from the inside out inside of five days."

The group ignores the care bear contingent and starts to plan in hushed whispers and giggles.

Around two AM that night the three Mistresses head out through a secret passage PantySue had designed but had forgot to mention to Princess. The three Mistressteers as they called themselves entered through a full length mirror next to Princess's panty drawer, looped around her dressing room, past her bedroom, her shower stall, and her shoe closet. All of which contained full length mirrors of the two-way variety.

She wheels on Tara and Kate when she hears the snickers, "Well what should I have expected? I'm in a castle full of perverts!"

Tara and Kate, giggling, reply in unison, "We're sorry Grace, but it is funny!"

They head down a few levels and there's a door. Princess opens it into a hallway with jem's, lucky's, pantysue's and billy's bedrooms off of it, "Figures," she mutters, making a mental note. They continue down and outside through some bolted door and around some bushes hiding it. They creep into the night towards Paradise before heading in three different directions.

Princess is hiding in some brush near Bob's BigG Assed Buttplugs Emporium when she sees what appears to be a small kitten, dressed as a ninja, scurrying down the alleyway between two stores. She watches it as it quietly slides its samurai sword from its scabbard. A yellow care bear goes past the alley when the kitten thing suddenly leaps up and beheads the hapless bear before darting back into the shadows.

"What the fuck?" whispers Princess before remembering what she's here to do. She arranges the two Molotov's, lights their wicks and pitches them at two of the stores. Out of the corner of her eye she sees the arcs of other cocktails. The dry wood of the stores catches almost immediately.

Paradise starts to burn.

And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only.

So All You Newsy People, Spread the News Around

"She's a sucker for tinsel," giggles MsTara as she adorns the Christmas tree in her tea party room before hanging a tiny wreath in a tiny cage. In the background is MsAva's interview with MsKate on CockRadio.

"Well that's just horrible! Who would do such a thing?"

"Oh, ace is not taking it well, I mean who would? The poor dear sent me the longest IM, says he can smell it through his aseptic bubble."

"Well, what sort of monster would spray ace's mansion with cat urine?"

"Perhaps someone thinks ace, my harmless ace, blew a big monster hole in BillyBear's head! Ace loved billy, but you know, not in a gay way."

"Guy love?"

Both Mistresses giggle ...

MsAva says, "So I see you brought a friend along. She's quite cute sitting on your shoulder like that."

"Oh, this is my pixie gal pal 'little Bella Hella" ...

Across town Princess Grace stands atop a stepladder ramming a toy care bear on it as its' star. The tree is covered with bright blue Christmas ornaments in the shape of balls. They make her giggle. Looking at her handy work and thinking of a missing elf she smiles wryly and whispers, "Hurry home BillyBear ..."

A quiet tap on her door breaks her reverie.

"Enter."

Dressed as the frilliest maid you ever did see, PantySue enters and proclaims in a drill sergeant voice, "A Friday and TracerBullet to see you MISTRESS!" Then while delivering her unnecessarily deep curtsy she slips on her seven inch heels, grabs for a table holding beautiful gingerbread houses that model the town made by Princess's pets and pulls the entire thing on top of her.

"PANTYSUE!"

"I'm sorry Princess! It wont happen again!" begs PantySue, frantically trying to get the table upright and the houses sorta put back together.

"That's the seventh time you've said that! I think 'corrective' actions are in order. Report to the dungeon and wait for Me."

"Nooooooooo"

"No?" Princess giggles with malice, "No? But that panty clad clitty betrays you My dear. Look at it PantySue, that's a good girl. See how much it wants to obey Me?" Princess Grace's voice goes pouty, "You do want to obey don't you pantysue? Need to obey? ... Me."

"Yes Princess ... anything."

"Off ya go then! But take those heels off, you haven't earned them yet. Nice sensable flats for you, but I wonder ... where can I stick those heels in the meantime? Oh I'm sure something will occur to me. Now show those two dicks in on your way out!"

She faintly hears The Party That Never Ends wafting from further down in the castle. She flips on CockRadio to drown it out. At the moment she's not in the mood.

Tracer saunters in with Friday following on her hands and knees. Oh sheesh, Princess thinks as she smiles fondly at Friday, "Get up you dork, now isn't playtime!"

"Thanks Princess, my knee was killing me!" says Friday while glaring at Tracer.

I'm NOT gonna go there, there aren't enough minutes in a day thinks Princess as she smiles at the two dicks, "How can I help you?"

Tracer lights a cig, inhales and then exhales a large cloud of smoke, "Nice tree."

Under Princess's stony stare he drops his eyes looking frantically for an ashtray. She makes him so nervous he always forgets about her hatred of cigarettes. He finally ends up snuffing it out on the shattered remains of a ginger bread house, "Sorry about that MsGrace. We were just wondering where you were when BillyBear bought it."

"Oh, I was at the parade."

"Anywhere in particular?"

"I was up on the university observation deck. I had a great view of the parade and the surrounding area!"

"Alone?"

"Well Betsy was with me."

"Betsy? Can we talk to her?"

Princess grins and heads over to a cabinet where she hands Tracer an unbolted rifle, "Meet Betsy, ask her anything you want."

Tracer examines the rifle carefully, "Hmmmm an M40A3 Marine issue sniper rifle. Do you have any bourbon?"

"Sure!" says Princess, "On the rocks?"

"Nooooooooo Tracer!" says Friday while rubbing her knee, "We TALKED about this."

Princess puts two and two together and says, "How about a Freska?!"

Tracer glumly replies, "No thank you."

Friday chimes in with, "I bet you have a perfectly good reason for being alone on an observation tower with a rifle easily capable of blowing away BillyBear at 1,100 yards dontcha Princess Grace!"

"Nope."

"Good enough for me! Come on Tracer this nice Mistress had nothing to do with Billy's untimely demise!" says Friday while she grabs Tracer's arm and limps towards the door.

Tracer holds his ground and raises an eyebrow at Princess, "Why the rifle?"

Princess sighs heavily, "Deer."

"Yes?" Tracer blushes.

"Not dear you nimrod, deer! I hate them! Ever since one decided to make a hood ornament on my car I've had nothing but contempt for the over bred bastards! They're just giant squirrels to me. I was hoping to take a few out with Betsy."

Moaning and whimpers can be faintly heard coming through a door adjoining the den. Princess cocks her head and listens before smiling at the two detectives, "I'll be right back."

As she strolls across the floor she seems to change, becoming stronger, more controlling, more beautiful, as she opens the door the two can hear, "I am Your slut ... Your toy ... use me for Your amusement ... make me ..."

Princess calls into the room, "You will edge for Me fifty times you naughty little stroke slut!" before slamming the door. She blows a wisp of brunette hair from her face and strolls back up to Tracer, "Anything else?"

Tracer smiles wryly, "The things that you make those boys do ..."

Princess's face hardens but she masks it with a smile, "You like to play with me dontcha Tracer? Some say 'exclusively' in fact I think I may have even heard you say, 'anything Princess' during our little chats."

Tracer stares at the floor blushing hard, "Yes, Mistress."

Princess's voice goes soft and commanding, "We play lots of games, have lots of secrets and you'll do annnyyyything for Me, wont you?" Tracer is breathing hard, Her fingers are brushing lightly against his face, his lips, his crotch. He moans.

"Awwww Tracer is something rubbing you the wrong way sweetie? Can I help you? Do you want to cum baby?"

"Yes I want to cum for You!"

"mmmmmmm Tracer I like that. And I want you to cum for me but what will you do? Anything?"

"Oh God yes, ANYTHING!"

"Goodie! Go in the other room and fuck lucky in the ass!" They can dimly hear lucky stop edging, followed by the sounds of the door being barricaded.

Tracer goes white, looks at the floor and quietly says, "No."

"No? But Twacy Wacie said he'd do ANTHING for Me." Princess is smiling at Tracer, "Rob a bank then?"

"No."

"Well then you can't cum."

"Of course I can."

"But you choose not too."

"Yes I choose ..."

"EXACTLY - You choose and there's not a thing I can do about it. In fact Tracer I don't WANT to do anything about it. I've said it once, I've said it twice, I'm a pleasure domme. I'll dominate for your pleasure and in dominating you I get pleasure. But I'm not going to get you to do something you don't want to do. As we know each other over time I'll find buttons you weren't aware of and push you in directions that you might think you don't want to go but I can't make you do something you don't want to do! Nor would I ever want to! Jesus when billy first talked with me do you think he ever imagined I'd have him hopping around in his back yard with the most ridiculous set of self made pointy bunny ears on his head trying to screw a melon? Ask him if he didn't have a blast! Go on, ASK HIM!"

"Well he's dead."

"Good point."

"But I get your meaning, I guess my choice of words was a poor one."

"Bingo!"

Billy The Perverted Elf is climbing the first of a series of hills that lead to boob mountain. He's high enough that he can see Paradise in the valley below and a series of colorful flags headed down the road towards the town. He peers hard at the flags, mutters, "Oh no! They'll come bearing gifts ..." and increases his efforts.

Suddenly the world goes topsy-turvy and he's creeping slowly down a sun lit hallway. His senses totally alert, almost as if he's stalking something, or someone. He catches a glimpse of brunette ringlets and the giggle of a child before his head hits the path and he passes out cold.

Jemmie sits down on her couch with a wince, slowly raises her skirt and gently peels off the protective bandage covering her new tattoo. She looks at it a bit, gets up from the couch and starts decorating her Christmas tree. She couldn't be happier. She's so happy humming Christmas Time Is Here that she doesn't hear MsTara on cockradio:

"We interrupt this broadcast! One hundred thousand care bears are outside of town. They are erecting large stages and tents for 'BearStock - three days of caring' for their fallen BillyBear..."

The King of the Drunks

A heavily bandaged jem stares fearfully out at Tracer and Friday from a partially opened door, "Oh, it's you two." She leaves the door ajar while heading back into her house. Tracer and Friday follow.

Friday quietly asks, "What happened to your face jemmie?"

"Looks like she found a bargain rate on ebay for a plastic surgeon to me," cracks Tracer, "You planning on taking a trip jem?"

"Fuck you Tracer!" jem mutters, "Look I don't know what hit me, it was dark, fast and whatever it was struck in total silence. It was all over me, never making a sound and all I could keep screaming was, 'NOT the thigh, dear sweet Lord, NOT THE THIGH!"

"Well it looks like you stuck your head into a bag of cats, why not the thigh?" wonders Tracer.

"It does look an awful lot like cat scratches jem," consoles Friday, "I hope you don't get 'the fever' and turn into Ted Nugent, that would be awful!"

"Yes Friday, Ted was such a pretty little thing before he caught the fever," says jem, tears welling in her eyes, "Now so horribly disfigured. What an awful thing to have happen."

"Why not the thigh?" insists Tracer.

"Tracer she's been through a lot the poor dear!" interrupts Friday.

Tracer brushes past Friday, stopping inches from jem, "Why not the thigh?"

Jem softly replies, "Because of the tattoo. I can't have any damage before it's applied."

"Let's see it."

"Oh, I haven't done it yet, but I posted a picture of it in my blog."

Tracer scoffs, "Oh yeah, I saw that - that isn't the real tat, let's see the real deal."

Jem quietly hands Friday a photograph.

"OH MY GAWD JEM! That has to be the prettiest thing I've ever seen! I sooooo want a tattoo like that of my own!!!!" Friday hands the photo to Tracer.

Both girls avert their eyes and continue talking when Tracer brings out a battery powered black light which sets off his trench coat like the Fourth of July. He peers closely at the photograph, turning it this way and that.

Finally he moves between Friday and jem in his usual loutish way and says, "Hey Friday, what is this winged creature? Some sort of pixie?" while holding the black light over the photograph.

Friday goes pale and stutters out, "Uh ... Oh ... I ... I think so."

Keeping Friday's reaction shielded from jem, Tracer hands the photograph back, "Beautiful tattoo jem! Did you pick it out?"

"Well Princess had a lot of input, I wanted her to."

"Thanks, we'll probably be back with more questions. Oh! I nearly forgot. Where were you when BillyBear was shot?"

"I was at the parade."

"Anywhere in particular?"

"I was up in the book depository warehouse, it was the only place where I could get a good clean ... view."

"Anyone with you?"

"Nope, you two have to go, I have to change my bandages."

Tracer and Friday stand out in front of the house. They can faintly hear Cock Radio coming from jem's speakers and MsTara saying, "In other news the CareBear nation was deeply offended at the loss of, and I quote, 'the greatest Care Bear of all time!' Unconfirmed reports state that a million Care Bears are marching on Paradise swearing vengeance on an uncaring populace."

Friday says, "I'm sure there's a reason Tracer, there has to be!"

Tracer says nothing, just heads down the street. Friday follows along. They walk along the dusty main road of Paradise and enter the first bar they see.

Tracer buys a bottle of bourbon and asks for two shot glasses. He heads to a dark corner table and sits down. Friday sits to his right. He slops in some bourbon into both glasses and shoves one at Friday. He slams his shot back, lights a cig and mutters, "Not even eight hours into it and I already hate this fucking case."

Friday turns her shot glass around in slow circles between her hands and replies, "We can always drop the case Tracer."

"Are you kidding me Friday? We're broke and with the bear dead we're not gonna be seeing any of that settlement." Tracer glances at Friday's full glass before tossing back another shot, and then another.

Friday hates it when Tracer gets this way, "Slow down Tracer."

"Fuck off."

Friday tries a different tack, "Did you see how the pixie was pointing her middle finger at the name 'BillyBear' do you think it means anything?"

"Yeah, Paul is dead."

"What?"

"It means about as much as those dudes playing Beatles albums backwards and pouring over album covers. All it means is that someone really doesn't like BillyBear."

"Yeah, but who and why?"

Tracer stubs out his cigarette and lights another, following it with two more shots, "Well jem is looking pretty damned sweet for this, I've got Princess Grace's written confession along with this Princess Grace doppleganger walking around saying it was someone with gigantic boobs. And you know what that means right?"

Tracer pours bourbon all over the table trying to hit the shot glass, maybe he should have had that second breakfast burrito and skipping lunch isn't helping any either. Friday doesn't try to help, still staring into her untouched shot glass like it was some crystal ball, "Yeah, it means Gretchen and some other Mistresses."

"Yep, they loooovvveee me! I use to be pretty good at this ..." Tracer drunkenly laughs. He tosses another couple of shots back and lights a cig before noticing he has one in his hand, fuck it he thinks and takes a drag off of both of them, "I sincerely hate this case!" He barely notices as two dudes enter and head to the bar.

"I tell ya, I was the best! Do you remember that one case?" bellows Tracer trying to think.

"Which one, there were like five or six."

"The one with the panties!!!"

"They all had panties you idiot!"

Not even coming close to thinking, just reacting Tracer draws his forty-five and shoots Friday in the knee. Suddenly he's staring at two large caliber six-shooters, hardly hearing Friday's shrieks, trying to focus on the guns. The room is turning in slow, soft circles and he's waving his forty-five at something. Staring blearily at the two guns he says, ""You want some?" before his head hits the table.

The King of the Drunks begins to dream ... light ... dark ... light ... he's staring into a field, but the perspective seems wrong, low to the ground. A girl, maybe five or six years old is running towards him, her ringlets bouncing. Her smile is brighter than sunshine, she knows him ... dark ...

Upcoming Christmas Special on PRV

Charlie Brown, Rudolph, and A Christmas Story step aside, there is a new classic in town. Awwww poor babies. Coming Christmas Eve, ONLY on PRV!

This preview will DESTROY YOUR MIND, so view with caution!!!

It's Mighty Funny. The End of Time has Just Begun.

"He's back!"

"Who?"

"I'm not gonna say."

"Well thanks for the heads up you dork."

"Well it costs money to say his name and times are tight!"

"Oh my God - his house blinked back into existence???"

"Yep this is the third time the ancient one has returned ..."

Billy The Perverted Elf nearly looses his grasp from the garter of assuredly NOT Princess Grace's thigh. He's been busy wiping precum off of her thigh praying like a mantis that she wouldn't notice. She's been, he suspects, walking like a runway model on purpose to increase the friction of him pressing against her trench coat and then her stocking covered thigh. The bouncing up and down isn't helping much either.

With bated breath he calls down to lucky scurrying around in her boot ::tosses a slug hoping he wont notice::, "Is it true? Your house has returned?"

All he gets back are the fevered sounds of repeated edging and plaintive whispers, "Right now I am Your bitch. Your slut and Your whore. Use me for Your amusement. Make me fuck a melon while You Fuck me up the ass! Make Your whore cum hard then lick it all up after You ruin that orgasm all over my face! I am a filthy whore ... "

Oh great, lucky ::tosses a buck - this is going to be one long call:: has overstimulated himself, again. He's worthless in this state.

Billy releases his grip from definitely NOT Princess's garter and drops to the sidewalk. He defiantly returns the stares of the people around him. Perverted Elves are feared and loathed, even by shrimps who simply call them the demeaning 'perv!' Surprisingly in Paradise perverted elves are scorned. His people enslaved by Santa, he fled that tyrant swearing to liberate his people but he's busy, right now he's trying to figure out who blew his brains out just a little ways down the street. He has eighteen days ...

He returns to the shattered hole that once comprised BillyBear Labs, his crowning achievement. Finds that someone has dug open his secret cigar box where he kept his CareBear porn. "What sort of perverted freak would steal a Care Bear's porn?" he wonders. Praying frantically that they didn't dig deeper his panicky elf fingers scrape away the well packed dirt lying below the cigar box.

Sighing with relief he pulls out a shrink wrapped cigar box and rips it open. Carefully packed in it lies

The Book of Certain Doom

by the prophet BillyBear

A book he had written when he was lost in the wastelands. He flips to the chapter, It's Mighty Funny. The End of Time has Just Begun and begins to read:

a tattooed thigh
the ancient one returns
the master race arises
while paradise burns

mistresses enslaved
a bullet softly gleams
tombs close on those
better left unseen

the blink of a cat's eye
all that was is not
two riders approach
a bear loudly shot

it's mighty funny
the end of time has just begun
when dream's collide
there can be only one

Billy The Perverted Elf watches the wind flip the pages of The Book of Certain Doom. Softly he mutters, "I know who shot me."

Tragic Footage

PRV (the network that brings you Awwww Poor Baby!) has received incredible footage of the BillyBear 'Thanks Twenty Billion ace!' celebration parade just minutes before he was gunned down. Thanks MsTara and lil giselle for providing footage of the little blue darling!

Also seen is 'lucky pet' who said, "SURE! I'll perform my dark masterpiece Cumming Changes the World, beats my day job, but I insist on wearing shades and a wig so no one recognizes me" 'he' can be seen singing after taking monster hits from a helium tank. "The right key is critical to the mood of this song and since my testicles dropped a few hours ago I've been struggling with the high notes."

"I just wish the camera hadn't died like BillyBear did," said a forlorn lil giselle, "All I caught was BillyBear acting like a total ass and you can see that every darned day! Seeing him gunned downed by some unidentified, enraged pervert, well ... not as much." All MsTara would say was, "What a dork, we shouldn't loose sight of that!"

Cha-Cha-Cha Changes ...

The soft, casual click-clack of stilettos can be heard echoing down a hospital corridor. It grows quiet as they pause in front of a door labeled 'Morgue'. She pushes the door open and sees a man in a white lab coat bent over a tiny blue figure arrayed on an autopsy table, the lab coated man is holding a whirling skull saw in his hand speaking into a Dictaphone, "Subject is four feet one inch tall, covered in blue fur with what appears to be a large caliber bullet hole in the center of ... ma'am you can't be in here!"

"Did you just call me ma'am?!"

"Um, listen sweetie I'm sure you're all concerned about your teddy bear here but he's beyond caring and ..."

"You must be new to Paradise, where are you from?"

"I'm Doctor Ralph Morganstern I'll have you know! They flew me in from the Mayo Clinic to perform this autopsy!"

"Big deal back in the Real World huh?"

"I'll have you know I'm THE leading forensic pathologist in the country!!!"

"Wow and did all that book learning and practical experience lead you to the conclusion that someone shot in the head with the back of their skull blown out is actually dead?"

"Well yeah but there was never a brain - just stuffing."

"Lot of folks around here will tell you that's billy in a nutshell."

She's standing quite close to him now, staring frankly into his eyes. She looks menacing and vulnerable at the same time. He can't keep eye contact, keeps dropping his eyes down to the hint of cleavage he can see through her partially unbuttoned trench coat and then ping ponging away finally settling on the corpse on the table.

Smiling, her shining lips part as she touches the tip of her tongue to the lower part of her upper lip, "First time here?"

"Yes."

"I think you'll find Paradise ... unique."

"Oh it's just another place ..."

"Said the doctor about to autopsy a stuffed care bear." She titters behind her hand.

"Well ..."

"I think you should take a break Doctor Morganstern. Take a look around town, pay attention to what you see. You'll find a billionaire cookie maven who's allegedly Wonder Woman when he's not a tiger. You'll find a talking shrimp who's wit can shred you like the Ginsu knives he fears. You'll find a dude who'll charge you a nickel every time you say his name. You'll see a woman with the largest boobs you can imagine, flutterbyes, pixies, sissy architects, hockey fanatics, castles and an island filled with giant women and if you're lucky ... shit ... give me a nickel."

The doctor meekly hands her a nickel.

"Thanks, that reminds me I have to drop by the bank later for a couple of rolls, you might want to do the same."

"Why?"

"You'll find out. Anyway ... if you're ... fortunate ... you might even come across the succubi." She smiles primly at him.

"There are no such things!"

"Said the doctor about to open the skull of a care bear. I think you'll find you're no longer in Kansas Dorothy."

"I told you my name is Ralph! I'm no girl!"

"Uh huh." She slowly runs her finger down the center of his shirt, over each button. She whispers, "We all have needs Dorothy, hidden desires - I can help you with that and all just for the smallest taste of your soul - it's not too much to ask is it?"

"My name is ..."

"Unimportant." As he starts to protest again she raises her index finger to her lips, "Shhhhhhh, I'll find you tonight Dorothy-kins and we'll continue our little talk. Now ... go see the sights, you'll find our Victoria's Secret and other shops to be quite well stocked with whatever might catch your fancy. Buy yourself a pretty pink souvenir - you can show it to me later."

"I SAID ..."

"Shhhhhhh ... go! Mommy has work to do."

"Mommy? What ..."

"Go."

Blushing the doctor slams open the swinging doors of the autopsy room and heads out into Paradise.

She sits on the edge of the autopsy table and picks up the lifeless blue paw, "Oh billy ... you really should quit pissing people off. I better hear some nervous giggling and have these paws wringing soon! You have an appointment with a Christmas tree on the twenty-fifth you pervert."

She smiles softly and removes some mistletoe from a pocket in her trench coat, "Tara told me this should work, only I can do it though ..."

Holding the mistletoe over his head she kisses him gently on the lips and then sits back as the transformation occurs. No one, not even billy can explain exactly how he became a were-elf, but from December first till 12AM Christmas day he is an elf of unimaginable perversion. Three feet of leg humping desire.

She smiles as she hears the first ragged breaths and then jumps back from the table as he leaps up with his hands clasped over his head before bowing and blowing kisses. Suddenly he stops, noting his surroundings, "Where am I?"

"In the Paradise morgue. You took a round in the head. BillyBear is dead."

"Who shot me?"

"Don't know. I saw something ... could have been jem. Whoever it was had huge boobs, couldn't make them out for sure though, they were back lit on this grassy knoll."

"Who's on the case and please don't tell me it's Trace ..."

"Tracer and Friday"

"Super. What day is it?"

"December first."

"So I've got about twenty four days huh?"

"Yep."

"Bring me mittens!"

She sits and stares at him.

"Oh my, did I just give you an order? Look my brains were scrambled ..."

"I'll let this slide - once."

Sweating profusely he mutters, "I'll get a hold of mittens, who must have completed her ninja training by now. I need to identify the killer so that I can fix this ... um ... somehow."

"You should go into witness protection - if the killer knows you're alive they'll try again ..."

"Well it's tough to take out an elf, much harder than a care bear. I need to get out of here unseen."

She opens her trench coat, "Climb up my leg and hold on."

Billy climbs up her to her thigh.

"JESUS billy, the outside of my thigh and stop sniffing, you sound like a bloodhound! It's kinda gross and I am NOT in the mood."

"Yes Princess."

"And if you cum, puppy, I SWEAR your suffering will be legendary! You think jem was in a cage for a bit? I wont give a rats ass how insane you'll go in denial if you jizz on these hose! Toughen up buttercup! And be careful I think 'not lucky' is crawling around in my boot and if he gets off he'll suffer the same fate! I hate walking around town in squishy boots! DO YOU HEAR ME??!!!"

"Yes Princess Grace."

"Who said that?!"

"We did."

The soft, casual click clack of stilettos can be heard echoing down the hospital hallway. She giggles at the confused nurse as she strolls on by - a nurse who would later describe to the paparazzi that she could have sworn she heard the most pathetic whimpers and moans issuing from under that mysterious lady's trench coat.