Temperature Rising...

Well that's just super! First Battle Star Galactica blew beets all over the screen. If lucky is looking for the definition of gay he should look no further then a Lee Adama episode. If that fucking Hamlet Handwringer can bring down a character as cool as Romo Lampkin then...

GROAN I'm getting angry...

I'm really upset! Then I had to spend half the night on the phone with the Law Offices of Wolfram and Hart listening to their endless whining about poor MsTara's delusions. You are SUCH a Vampire MsTara and we are SO staking you!!!

DAMMIT

And then not only was it the arguably the suckiest Battle Star EVER Natalie died.

poor dead Natalie killed by MsTara's and jem's indifference!

ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

When I finally hook up with Princess in IM well it's too late for Billy. Not Princess' fault.

BILLY HAS NEEDS!

She signed off her IM with, "It looks like another week of denial poor baby ::giggle::"

Another week? And I had such a shitty one at work and now jem, lucky and even pantysue are either suing or giving me shit. Fourteen days? That would be a record for billy. I totally imploded at thirteen last time. I mean Princess had to deal with me SPECIAL!

GothGirl hand me that never been tested, we don't know what it does syringe. YES INJECT IT IN ME! It might give me strength to go fourteen days!

Honestly GothGirl you wouldn't like me when I'm in denial...

ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

What's happening???? NO! NO! It's enhancing the denial effects!!! It's jem's evil boobs fault! I will so stake them too! NOOOOOO

Why jem, lucky, Tara vampire mean to billy?

billy MAD!

billyHulk SMASH jem's and lucky's puny blogs!!!!!!

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Succubi and Vampires - OH MY!

Princess Likes to Suc?

We're not sure what a succubus is but Princess admitted to being one at last night's TeaseTime. Wait for a second and we'll check with the all knowing internet and see if she needs a good staking like tragic MsTara. What are you talking about GothGirl? You're a succubus too? You take victims using a demonic sexual death trance Really??? NO WAY! Prove it girl!



Pretty convincing. Is it fun? Succubusing? It looks fun. We can see more naughty bits in glorious QuickTime? That's awfully kind of you GothGirl! Lucky is going to love (in the biblical sense) all the boots! What?! I have to wear black panties, boots and wear semi-automatic handguns on my freshly shaven hips whenever I go forth to battle 'the evil that never rests'? How about Winnie the Pooh panties in a manly blue? Evil hates Winnie the Pooh. I'm not much of a fan of black. Cool! Do these Glocks make my hips look fat?

Speaking of Succubi

I have a call set up with Princess tonight BIG GRIN.

What a Week!

Did you come out of Memorial Day thinking, cool, they put a cap in Monday so one day down, only to find out that noooooo they compressed Monday into the rest of the week so you have the same amount of work in less time? (work smarter BillyBear... ROLL) And then get viciously attacked by one of your best buddies simply because you dare to be proud of your Macintosh while simultaneously being sued by your other bestest pal simply because you reported the truth?! And then your other best friend is hurting so bad that it's been too long since we've heard from him and miss him in a total guy love way?

sigh

Me too.

This is one of my most favorite videos of all time. Lucky will probably pronounce it a Macintosh abomination and jem will figure out how to sue me over it. bitter oppressed sigh Peep it out, and relax - it's Friday :-)

Newspaper Biz

pantysue was meandering through a day or so ago and asked a very good question!

And just what does a pet have to do to get on your friends list?

In our biz we have no friends. In order to shine the harsh light of objective truth and bring you the high quality of News (yes with a capital 'N') you've come to expect from The Occasional Assassin we can have no friends.

We're bummed out about it. On the staff we don't even like each other... much. And two of the three staff members are imaginary which means we don't like ourselves... OH! That reminds me to take my Thorazine! Screw it, I'm fine.

Glancing at our sidebar in a nervous, skittish way we see that pantysue has pointed out an artifact from a bygone era. A time when we had friends. We'll correct that oversight in due time.

Pantysue Continues to Run Amok

Imaginary sources close to the mysterious ('psoo'? best we can come up with is phone sex operator ophthalmologist) pantysue indicate that she's going to pierce herself with a railroad spike. In fact this railroad spike:

"It's been in the family since the well I don't know, but I know, well I think I heard somewhere great grandpa BraLoverLenny pulled it out of a railroad derailing a train carrying stuff which lead to a lot of noise... and..." pantysue trails off under mittens' doubtful glare, "OK, OK I bought it on eBay... quit staring at me!"

Pantysue, looking somewhat pensive but putting on a brave face and too much mascara said, "Once I ram this puppy through, that cage is never coming off! Ha jemmie! HA! HA! HA!"

In other pantsue news she's either gotten a boob job or is consumed with, how you say? wishful thinking but she's asking for breast form sizes so she can wear a third world bra where they can't afford cups. What are breast forms? We thought you were a serious sissy pantsue and got the boob job since you were doing the spike thing and the needles and stuff now we have to retract the first sentence of this paragraph and we don't want to - too much work so get the boob job you sissy you and pert ones that might be explainable in the locker room!

Bankyboo Dishes

Well bankyboo decided to let us know what perversions he's been indulging in of late and managed to get caged again to boot. Check it out! One particular comment gave us pause:

i mostly ended up with a little mess on my tummy before pulling my diaper back up over my little sissy cock

Diaper? The reason I somewhat nervously bring it up is that I recently turned fifty and note that banky's 'About Me' section informs me that he's fifty-six. So I'm nervously asking, uh, banky this is a turn on thing for you right? The diaper? Because... well... anyway I hope that's what it is! Feel free to lie to me if necessary!

jem Finally Posts About Last Thursday's TeaseTime

Well, about time. Anyway jem is suing us apparently. For slander. ROLL. We'd say more about the post but since we're getting sueeeeeeeed.

Sticks tongue out at jem...

Weekend - Enjoy the Extra Day!

Yeah so I've got this work thing going on and all you BASTARDS decide today is a good day to post.

sigh

SIGH

So now I have to rush about and get something out! Sheesh.

So let's get ON IT!

Sullen Reviews

Well thank God V decided to stroll into work today to pick up her paycheck so that I could uh remind her of exactly WHY she's getting paid! Sheesh, teenagers! She reviews several films (Juno, Sweeny Todd, Hard Candy, 27 Dresses, and Fallen - not bad V!) and I'll leave it to the reader to figure out how to actually read them. Put your thinking caps on and check it out. When you're done with that read her poems, they're quite good really! And after that cut your wrists - V would respect you.

Bankyboo Remembers

He's remembered his password and then puts up this sorta teasy post wondering if we'd be interested in some of his calls. Hmmmmm banky, leave the teasing to the professionals and DISH! Also check out soon to be pierced pantysue's Ode to Banky in the comments section.

Lucky's Enthrallment Continues

Yep, he's still fixated on that map even with my legions poised on his borders he continues to fiddle while Rome starts to burn. In what must feel a lot like drinking a mess-o-saltpeter before your Princess call he first shows there is no electricity in Africa before wanting us to send refurbished computers to them for porn. Huh? Are they solar powered? Princess comments that a non profit should be formed to "Give Africa The Internet Porn They Deserve!" Hmmmmm

The Occasional Assassin Forms Nonprofit to Aid Africa

We're proud to tell you that we've just formed a non profit to aid those in Africa called Give Africa The Internet Porn They Deserve! or GATIPTD for short! It's a lot like Live Aid but better! No whiny, spoiled rock stars for example! Send your money to The Occasional Assassin or gift us the money in Princess calls and we'll make sure those in Africa get what they deserve!

Why? Because we care! Think of the children! Give till it hurts you financial dom guys!

Jem Still Withholds TeaseTime Report

Lucky was saddened by this news but jem refuses to post about it until more of you give to GATIPTD. "It's the principal of the thing BillyBear" says an adamant jem.

Princess Wants You to Stop Touching the Monkeys (No, not the band though they're kinda old so ewwww)

In a heart rending video Princess Grace tries to warn us of the various issues facing us today. Though she remains strangely mum on the high cost of phone sex - go figure. She got two guys to sing a song about all of this madness in the world. Listen to them... yeah NOW!

An End to Hostilities

Finally I have to postpone the invasion of lucky's blog because I have this barbecue thing I gotta do. I'll try and get back to it next week, but work ya know? I hope you have lots of fun during this extended weekend and if you don't have a party to go to well drop by, I'll make room. Seriously. twiddles thumbs

I mean WTF?

Well I don't know which of you rat bastards spilled the beans but I have been noticed, yes NOTICED at work. Darn it! Work was 'me' time and now it's, "Where's that review BillyBear?" and "What's the project status of blah?" and "I need that goddamned report yesterday or the very wheels of the corporation will grind to a halt even though I've never heard of server transaction rates across the network before!" and the dreaded, "Are you giving me 'the eye' BillyBear?"

Well I need a plan of attack if they're actually expecting me to get this crap done. A methodology would be nice to make sure that I'm focused and in tune with the corporate mission statement whatever the heck that is. Let me look...

We want to help people.

We do? When did that sappy crap happen? I thought we wanted to make money hand over fist. I know I do. My mission statement is 'Don't get your ass fired, you need that insurance copay!'

What to do? This book should help me become more productive in the work place and at home! Yeah, I'll have to study that for a few days and make sure I'm doing it right, probably need some software to help keep track of my deep thoughts. OH! And less stress??? Cause I'm kinda stressing right now. So I'm going to hunker down in my cubicle and read this thing and when people walk by they'll see me reading this thing and be comforted by the fact that BillyBear is on it! And if I stay on it! long enough eventually I'll be permitted to slide back down off of everyone's radar into the warm, pee filled pool of anonymity.

So I wont be able to keep up my typical break neck speed in the posting arena delivering to you the in depth, quality news as often as you've come to expect. It would be a BIG help if you SOBs would get noticed at your jobs too so that the likely hood of anyone posting interesting things would go down.

Super! I just got a paper cut. GothGirl would you fill out this disability form? This cut is keeping me from doing my job.

Lucky's Peaceful Easy Feeling

Well someone forgot to lock the door and lucky got into the medicine again. He's been looking over Princess' visitors map and noted she's getting quite a few hits from war torn uptight countries. Then he gets sorta misty about peace breaking out all over the place not realizing he's shot himself in the foot right off the bat. Lucky, if President Bush and Condie are tying up Princess' time how is she going to enslave others? Huh?

Anyway we appreciate the sentiment but if we don't finish our bi-weekly-monthly status update our manager is going to throw such a hissy! Which are kinda fun to watch but not when directed at yours truly.

Pierced Chaste Feeling His Oats

As you know we tend to keep an eye on chaste and his musings. I only know him through the chatroom and he seems like a nice enough bloke but I'm not sure what he meant by this:

One thing i have been thinking about - if one takes submission to a logical conclusion, the sub should request, in fact beg, for this treatment [P/A piercing] from his Mistress.

Really??? And if the sub doesn't request/beg for this treatment are they less of a sub? That's the inference I'm getting from the statement. Anyway I disagree. I think it's between the sub and the Mistress on 'level of devotion' and what works best for them. I will make the assumption that each Mistress/sub pairing is unique and so what works for one sub might not work for another. I guess I would have felt better if you had some sort of 'for me' inclusion in your statement above.

As written it reads like you're throwing down the gauntlet and assuming the oxymoronic title of 'King Sub' if no one else opts for this P/A piercing thing. I'm relatively certain that's not what you intended chaste but I can see pantysue over there nervously picking up a railroad spike to keep her cage on more securely and take her submission to its logical conclusion with Princess.

Is this how subs fight?

For Those of You Into Panty Pics

Enjoy!

MsTara Sighting!

Word on the street is that MsTara has returned from rehab or someplace. We can't recall, we seem to have forgotten something important about her, what was it? Oh well I have a very important email to write... bitter sigh

Princess Continues Settling Down Uptight Countries

Lucky once again staring into the abyss of Princess' pet map has noticed further outbreak of well something and has called it a trend. Something to do with peace or Turkey. Check it out and let me know if you can make heads or tails of it but he seems to think Princess is calming these boys down and in his comment section it appears that MsGrace agrees.

NewsFlash: The Occasional Assassin Invades Poland!

Reich Marshal BillyBear reports a successful blitzkrieg into Poland and is now marching on Lucky Bastard's blog, "Ace was a pushover, being sick and all. He probably doesn't even know we're there. PantyPlastyBankysue's blog fell in seconds after Warsaw's collapse. Once we take out lucky we'll move on jem's blog, she's tougher than she looks unless we catch her in those ballet boots. We're not worried about bankyboo until he remembers his password. Timing is everything in war!"

Screaming into a microphone Das Furry Reich Marshal BillyBear said, "We'll continue to march on blogs and act like uptight assholes until someone comes over and settles us down!" He stared pointedly at Princess Grace before sticking his tongue out at her.

Check out MY map lucky!

Take Care Ace!

Well after our our weekend we're pretty tired so we appreciate everyone not posting much this weekend while we try to recover.

Ace is apparently having problems and we wish him a quick and speedy recovery! We suspect it has to do with his trying concentrating on lucky's dinky Wank Picture of the Moment. We too have found ourselves, x-ray goggles pulled down, eyes inches from the monitor trying to get a better looksee at what currently is occupying his, um, fancy. Lucky calls his hand fancy right? Like banky calls his Fist of Fury? When did everyone name their hand? Mine is just called hand which is really boring!

In all seriousness though we hope ace can get on top of this headache thing in a hurry and get better! He's always missed when not about!

Chaste4MsCass Takes Another Step

Towards his total enslavement. I don't really understand it, meaning exactly how this is suppose to work but chaste gave further explanation and apparently once this chastity device is in place it will take a scalpel to remove it (or a key from MsCassandra which I've formed the impression is statistically less likely). CRINGE - we told you that chaste plays hardcore and I wish him well. I've got an old dissection kit with a scalpel (might have some dried frog guts on it) laying about if chaste needs it! We at the Occasional Assassin have got your back chaste!

News Flash: Lucky Spanks the Monkey

OK, Okaaaayyy it's a slow news day and that's not really news - sigh

Sleepy jem Phones in Tease Time Report

Well she did. Read it and tell me I'm wrong. Lucky isn't going to like this jem, nope. You're in big trouble now missy!!!

Envy

We're consumed with it at the moment. Well what is it? Wikipedia informs us that, Envy may be defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it."

YAWN - I'm sorry what were you saying professor? Anyway we're picture people and this pretty much summed it up for us:


Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. So what are we envious about? Well there's this:

The Occasional Assassin's Recent Visitors after one week

Princess Grace's Recent Visitors after twenty hours.

Go visit Princess' blog (particularly if you're from Africa, the former Soviet Union or Antarctica) though we suspect that all too soon her map will look like a pink nightmare. Click on the map, the close up is pretty cool!

We're also envious of the fact that lucky completely and totally scooped us, the prick! He has YouTube footage of jem stumbling around in those boots of hers. GAWD those things look painful!

Check it out! We'll just be over here in the hallway, wearing our coats and hanging out.

TeaseTime and a High FIVE!

We'll leave most of the details for jem but Princess dealt with a room full of horny ones and she kicked out not one, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE MP3s!!! She has everything from stroker to bondage sissy so we're certain you'll find something you like off this smorgasbord of perversion. On a minor note we got busted by Princess when we were a tad overzealous in keeping the MP3s coming having to admit we weren't actually listening to them at the time.

In unrelated news jbauling remained a horses ass. We fear there is no cure!

The Man in the White Hat

From deep in the wastelands he heard the plaintive wails of pets in dire need of rescue! Pulling his white hat down across his brow he kicks his mighty steed 'Fist of Fury' into a full gallop and charges towards Trouble!

"Yah Fist of Fury YAH!!!"

A desert storm forms in front of him, attempting to thwart his way. While lightening bolts crash down from heaven and the wind screams into his face, The Man in the White Hat remains resolute charging onward, headfirst into the very teeth of Trouble!

Sitting on the edge of the wastelands, Jem watches her boobs continue to melt away while lucky fervently goes through his porn collection muttering, "Darn it, this picture use to always make me hard!" Their dark despair mingling with the approaching storm.

Their heads swivel in unison at the sounds of thundering hoofs of righteousness emerging from the heart of the wastelands, their hearts pound in trepidation. Suddenly he's there! Back-lit by crashing bolts of lightening, his mighty stallion rearing in the dark night is The Man in the White Hat!
"Whoa Fist of Fury, DOWN! I SAID DOWN!!!"

Jem feels her bra cups fill and her nipples harden with lust while lucky feels his manly member suddenly swell and throb as they lovingly gaze at the sight of The Man in the White Hat!

No, I said that wrong. Here let me try this:

Both jem and lucky feel the gypsy curse lift upon the sight of The Man in the White Hat.

Better? Everyone happy now? No panties in a bunch? Good because The Man in the White Hat has no time for this bullshit, he has more pressing demands. Gazing down from his proud beast he says, "Do either of you mopey bastards know where I can find Princess Grace? I've been lost in the wastelands riding my Fist of Fury for almost a year and bankyboo has needs!"

Both pets point in the direction of Princess' castle.

Hi-Ho Fist of Fury - AWAY!

And that boys and girls is how banky came back!

Crawling Through the Wreckage

Jem, who's not our fashion consultant (glares at way overdue on her deadline Teen Fashion Reporter V - hey where is she? Overslept? Again?!) reports on 'the look' that is now sweeping the nation. Jem informs us that this is "more difficult than it looks."

REALLY??!! Because honestly it already looks quite hellish!

To further reinforce her argument jem states, "I could walk a few more steps before collapsing and having to crawl the rest of the way to the kitchen or bathroom and back." Now we feel compelled to just jump right past jem on this one and go straight to mom.

Princess it would be so wonderful if jem would provide YouTube footage of jem doing this! Don't you think so too? It's been a long week for all of us and we (particularly cranky lucky) could use a good chuckle or even a chortle, and what better way then to watch jem careening around her house crashing into furniture while desperately trying to get to the potty in time? Visualize it Princess ... pleassssssseeeee!

Lucky's Big Hissy (Day 6)

Showing no signs of letting it go lucky continues to claim that jem and I are bigger perverts than he is. Showing an unauthorized porno I stared in back when I was in college innocuously singing, "C is for... copulation, that's good enough for me!" - look it was a more innocent age back then. Lucky struck a low blow accusing us, US! of censorship! At least we think so but we were only half reading, we kept getting distracted by his Wank Pic of the Moment. But he's right, we obfuscated by editing out a few details of our conversations with Princess because to let you read the unedited transcript would shatter your puny minds! Look, we're responsible adults here and no one wants to see some traumatized nimrod stumbling around the coffee station tomorrow with a wrecked mind, it's Friday for crying out loud! We wont let you lay that at our feet!

::shrug:: Anyway banky's back. We're all pikers next to that dude, I mean WOW!

The things I've seen, the things I've done... since coming here...

The horror ... the horror ...

Princess Grace is a TROUBLEMAKER!

Well it's true. With just (we'd guess) no more than forty strokes of her 'refresh button' Princess Grace pushed The Occasional Assassin right over the edge last night.

We deeply regret the mess!

Sorry! Sorry everybody, we'll clean it up right after our much needed and well deserved nap!

Now we only have to see if jem's boobs fell off and lucky bastard has to change his name to limp bastard OR if bankyboo comes back rolls eyes.

In unrelated news not a roll of duct tape or a pill of Viagra can be found in town.

Princess Denies Class Asserts Confusion and Drug Abuse at Assassin

In an exchange in the comment section of this newspaper Princess Grace questioned her classiness. When confronted with the hard facts and harsh truth that no matter what she does 'class' is all over her like 'vampire' is all over MsTara and no number baths is ever going to wash it off, do you know what she did? She blushed! SHE DID, SHE DID - check it out!

"I am so NOT blushing!" says blushing Princess

Princess Seen Naked Cavorting in Jem's Blog!

Continuing to cause Trouble (yes with a capital 'T') Princess frolicked over in jem's blog doing a naked dance interpretation of Crank That (Soulja Boy). Which we caught on tape!



According to eye witnesses jem got so excited she ran smack into her blog causing her to black out and miss the whole thing! Awwwww Poor Baby!

Boobless jem could not be reached for comment.

Guess What? We're Getting Pissed Off!

There seems to be some coded exchange going on between the Trouble Making Princess and boobless jem. One will say, "guess what?" and a little while later the other reply, "Oh... guess what?" Well WHAT ALREADY? We're pretty sure there's some sort of coded message going on here and have assigned a decryption team to figure it out. We think it's in the inflection and is a cross between Mandarin and Navajo - which is realy quite crafty when you think about it.

Lucky Reports Morning Woodie

Uh huh, prove it - on webcam please. V, you look.

Lucky's 'Snit' Continues

After throwing a major hissy about accusations of being too pervy and sulking off lucky posted about his latest Princess call. Check it out and let's all back off him until he settles down a bit and gets back to posting like he should! Lucky's trying to make the case that we're just as pervy as he is. Dude! AS IF!

Careful - It's a Trap!

We noticed right before we went to press that Princess posted one of her games. She gives a great explination of it - and it is fun, particularly her replies. We've always been forthcoming in our replies but with Princess ANY reply will A) be remembered for all time and B) will be sprung on you at a time when it will produce the most fun for her in particular but you too. So keep it in mind and play balls out you pansies :-)

"So Billy tell me more about the naughty [DELETED] and why you want to call me [EXPUNGED] it does seem to excite you so, doesn't it you little [ERASED]! PUFF PUFF PUFF" evil evil wicked wicked giggles

What Will Happen ... Next?

What will happen? I'm not sure...

What do you mean you're not sure? You installed the damned thing!

Well it was awhile ago and I can't recall what the old gypsy woman said OK?! Google it, there has to be mention of it somewhere!

Nope, nothing under 'magical gypsy blog counters' except for this one dude's site who whacks off to them.

Sounds like a niche market to me.

Look, those outer two zeros are painted on with nail polish! What's going to happen if we actually hit 10,000? Armageddon? Will the counter simply null out or will life change as we know it?

I'm thinking more the latter.

WHY DIDN"T YOU GET THE EXTRA DIGITS?

LOOK I NEVER THOUGHT WE'D GET CLOSE TO 10,000 IN OUR LIFETIMES! And the extra digits cost more anyway.

How much more?

A dollar.

Well I guess it's all on you then huh captain cheap pants!

I feel bad, OK?! The gypsy said... oh it was ridiculous anyway...

What? What did the gypsy say?

She said if we ever hit 10,000 then jem's boobs would fall off and lucky wouldn't be able to get an erection or bankyboo would show up.

Poor lucky, poor jem. Uh oh - just ticked up again!

STOP READING US OK??!!! For the love of God!

Nervous giggle, wrings paws

Princess says 'Thankees': Well MsGrace posted a heartfelt thank you to everyone who celebrated her birthday. She also unzipped her trou making us hope (against our better judgment) that she intends to be very grateful indeed! Anyway that's just her being playful. Posting a nice thank you to all of us is just her being classy. So we'll be classy back, "You're welcome Princess!"

Settle Down You CRANKY Bastards!

So was your weekend filled with nebulous angst, screaming, smashed glassware, a knife fight and three visits from law enforcement... too? Mother's Day, it just gets better and better doesn't it?

Lucky threw up his hands Friday and accused everyone of murdering his character or something like that. AS IF! Look at our header lucky, we have nothing to do with mur... What is it GothGirl? No, you're saying it wrong - enunciate! Look it's not assassin, that's not even a word. Sound it out like they taught you in grade school, it's ass-ass-in that game like duck-duck-goose except for adults.

Really??? Huh. Well then I guess we do have something to do with murder but only occasionally.

Keep Trying MsTara!

Sounding more and more like a busted spouse starting to over explain things MsTara denies being a vampire here, and here, and a major comment hissy here when she starts to realize no one is buying it! Now, suddenly, her vacation is upon her and sadly she must depart. We hope she has fun, word on the street is she's going to this place called Dark Side of the Moon where it's perpetual night. One wonders why?

And yes MsTara an observation that only a vampire would make, care bears have no necks! It's part of our superior Darwinian design. It makes us particularly adept at what we do, which is... uh...

The Bogart PantySue

We don't know how these things get started but somehow lucky and jem are under the impression that it would be best for all (meaning lucky and jem) if pantysue was to pay for the next four calls for lucky and jem or buy Princess a Ferrari whichever is cheapest. PantySue seems nonplussed by this and is conducting a full investigation of her staff on who might have leaked this idea, in the meantime she's ducking and weaving in jem's blog.

But what caught our eye here at the Assassin was the comment pantysue made in her own blog:

just don't do what i did and forget about Her for 3 weeks!

YOU FORGOT ABOUT HER???!!! DUDE! er Dude-ess you might as well spot-weld that cage on, it isn't going anywhere.

Jem's Freedom

Jemmie posted in her blog about Princess's awesome birthday bash and yakked about her freedom from the cage stumbling around singing Born Free before breaking down in sobs of relief. It really was quite moving! Princess are you caging her soon? Please? We're all humming Back in the Saddle Again over here :-)

NEWSFLASH: Jem's Tragic Final Farewell???

We were hitting the bong pretty hard having just won our first race in Drunk, Stoned Mario Kart Wii when our IM window popped open with a message from jemmie, "just posted." OK, we be-bop over and check it out. Mittens (who's a fast reader) immediately disappeared once she realized jem was involved in a lengthy IM with Princess while we at The Occasional Assassin continue to suffer, poor forgotten wretches that we are, adrift in a blogosphere of loneliness and... yeah I don't think Princess is buying it either.

So we read with growing alarm that Princess has jem on some 'Cum Your Way to a Healthy Heart' program. Part of it sounds quite aerobic like her 'walking in a bra in Texas' regimen. I wonder how much walking she'll get to do, pondering the wonder of nature between panicked sprints while being chased by threatened blooks, er blokes. Jem can handle that. No, the alarming thing, the mysterious thing, the thing that will require the full speculative power of The Occasional Assassin (after we stake MsTara of course) is that another pet embarked on some heart healthy regimen of Princess's (almost to the day) and a month later...

DISAPPEARED!!!

GASP! Darn it V, stop goosing me!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCESS GRACE!

We wish you Every Happiness!

IS tonydshrimp CAPTAIN TIGHTPANTS??!!

No. But who could pass up a headline like that? If you missed Princess's awesome TeaseTime Anniversary of Her Birthday Party then you missed a rare opportunity to see a shrimp blush and mutter, "I had no idea!" A lot. Don't worry, we took a pic for ya!

A mortified tonydshrimp on learning Captain Tightpants really exists!

PantySue's LIVING HELL

Again it was quite a party last night and we'll let jemmie do her job and recap it but we noticed before hand a lot of blogs lit up and there seemed to be some sort of group hug going on and forgiveness of pantysue's monstrous crimes. Of course we remained unmoved until we witnessed the true penalty for her actions!

Quality time with jbauling or however you spell that doofus's name. This one note wonder was placed in a darling blue dress, chained to pantysue and sent off to scrub all the castle floors with a toothbrush (one toothbrush, Princess said times were tight). Massive Shudders!

I guess Princess really is irked, pantysue. I thought she was going to merely cage you for a year or two but even ten minutes with jbauling would have me sharpening that toothbrush into a shiv and putting it to good use. If you decide to do so pantysue we'll look the other way and make sure the story that jbauling fell on the toothbrush forty-seven times is plausible. Probably due to his own self-destruction, we hear he's prone to that. Believe me no one is going to investigate this one too closely!

Does jbauling have a blog addy? Innocent look.

Lucky's Call

As we put The Assassin to bed yesterday lucky posted about his actual call so he wasn't that much of a teasing dick (still a bastard though). However the YouTube video was pulled or something. I'm certain lucky will fix it if he can - he has powers but that's a little teasy of him. You can kind of sorta make something out, even the x-ray goggles don't help. Anyway go read it and see how Princess and lucky understand each other!

Confrontation with the Vampire MsTara!

I had some time on my hands so went strolling through the chatrooms yesterday when I stumbled into the radio show room and who should be standing there in her full vampire glory but

MsTara!!!

And yes, yes, I might have screamed like a little girl and wet my pants a little before bolting from the room in blind terror (I was surprised!) but while I was taking a shower and changing into a fresh burka it occurred to me, "I AM a master of disguise!"

So I cautiously reentered the room as justSomeGuy to further study her habits. She immediately gave me some halfhearted backhand cuff (which really hurt) before heading off to her coffin. The poor dear having exhausted herself from examining penises all night long (somebody has to do it apparently - must be a union job), plus it was still twilight and she was groggy. You can tell when she's in her coffin because it looks like this:

MsTara - (On the phone)

I learned that magnus is one of her undead minions and Captain Tightpants (while he was Captain Tightpants) is not. Being the serious investigative reporter I am I managed to bring you this news and escape with my life!

How We Work

OK we can't say it enough. We don't work. We abhor work. If it doesn't fall into our laps well it can't interfere with us getting to the next level in Mario Super Galaxy can it? Maybe that headline should read, "How We Operate" but it's too much bother to go change it now.

Anyway when operating a newspaper of this magnitude you have to have something of a routine. We stumble in around 6AM, glare and tell each other to 'fuck off' until we get that first precious cup of coffee and then fire up google reader and check the blogs.

Then we sit down and make shit up kind of based off what we read, if it was interesting and have most of it done by 8AM when The Man shows up and makes us do our real jobs - the prick. Then we keep a IM window open for breaking news and an eye on google reader and if we have the time we make corrections or additions to The Assassin before setting its publication time to 10:01 PM Eastern and forget about it.

We will strive to keep that schedule, except for weekends, any listed holiday on the planet or if we just don't wanna! That's our commitment to YOU our nonpaying public!

For example we're stumbling through the blogs right now and lucky has made a couple, jem one and Princess is taking a breather (THANK GOD!) when we come across a comment lucky made over our banner name:

I have some suggestions:

The Intermittent Assasin
The Periodic Assasin
The Occasional Assassin
The Fitful Assassin
or
The Sporadic Assassin

Look up :-)

Something's Should NOT Be Tried

Well Princess is probably gonna burn herself out and we're worried. Three posts in three days and this following a blackout that can only be described as hellish! You could see her limber up, crack her neck and place her ire upon her kidnapper, the evil bogart pantysue on Friday. Then three rapid fire posts on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

Well today's post was certainly kind of her! She's having her birthday party during TeaseTime tonight (10 PM Eastern - main chatroom) and she's invited all of us, yes even the staff of The Assassin - but come anyway OK and drink a lot and speak freely in front of us!

The real Anniversary of Her Birthday is this Saturday so there's still time to get her a gift off of her wishlist and bring a smile to her face!

And now after so many posts, look at her.

She's covered in sweat, her tight pink 'wife beater' pressed firmly against her taut breasts, pert nipples poking through (she refused to wear a bra - "Too constricting BillyBear!"). Her 'Hello Kitty' short shorts cupping that incredible butt but we're most concerned about the shoes. If anything brings her down it will be the shoes (and the fact that she's a bit out of blogging shape).

Lucky (more on him later) bought them for her and she refuses to take them off! If that isn't wuv we don't know what is, but it's insane to blog in those things! INSANE!

We had to cut her gloves off, her hands so swollen from pounding the keyboard. She's putting on a brave face but she needs to slow down.

Well they're getting ready for the next day's round. She's rinsing out her mouth, spitting blood and water into the bucket, inserts the mouthpiece, smacks her gloves together.

DING-DING-DING

For crying out loud PACE yourself Princess!

Lucky's New Look - The Look of Secret Lust

Well we're pretty relieved that we took a pic of lucky's blog a few days ago because now it's changed. The new look is a top secret folder left out for casual perusal, which is lucky in a nutshell. With his addition of "Wank Pic of the Moment" I can't say the blog is exactly work friendly unless you're a boot selling gynecologist but then again it has always been a real crap shoot popping into his blog during business hours. His mentos video still haunts my dreams.

Lucky recently posted about his call with Princess, proclaiming the drought is over. Well for some anyway. Princess puts lucky dangerously through his paces. He's on record bemoaning his control issues of late and working him up in a hardware store is pure Princess. Then he played with her in the chatroom and bought her some shoes (look up) and because he IS a bastard ended the post with "The actual call will be recounted in the next blog entry......."

Dick.

MsTara's Terrible Date!

MsTara's string of bad luck continues. She must have had a really crappy date because now she's moonlighting as penis inspector with the few remaining days of her unholy vampire life rapidly coming to a close. It's pure MsTara, goofy and fun. Check it out but you might want to steel yourself for the final paragraph after, "I hope your balls are the same color after a while, because soon every woman in the city will know better than to give you even the hope of a fuck!! So long, shortie!!"

She falls on teddy two inch with such graphic vampire fury that you'd think you were in a Sam Peckinpah movie. She rips open his neck spraying her two female minions with bright arterial blood before battening on and draining him dry while he bleats for his pathetic life. Picking up the bloodless corpse she hurls it over the bar having it crash into bottles of Glenfiddich and Jack Daniels before wheeling back on the horrified crowd of onlookers, blood running down her chin and screaming, "Oh that was fine! THAT WAS DAMN FINE!!!" in a Demi Moore type voice.

Frankly we were surprised that she included this paragraph, up till now she's been denying being a card carrying member of the undead. It must be a cry for help or bragging, could be both. I can never figure out what vampires think.

She closes with, "Coming soon to YOUR local bar:)" Not if we can help it MsTara, not if we can help it poor damned creature of the night!

pantysue Apologizes for her MONSTROUS CRIMES!

Sounding a lot like an Obama flack discussing reverend Wright pantysue issued an apology in her blog today. Go ahead and read it, we'll wait.

idly whistles, looks at watch

Done? Goody!

We didn't find it sincere either. We've already contacted various agencies like Amnesty International, Greenpeace and a whole bunch more with aggressive fund raising campaigns and got pantysue firmly locked into their mailing lists. Lifetime.

But what stung, what cut us to the quick was her line, "Jem and Lucky... i can certainly understand if you never speak to me again!" No BillyBear? Whatever have I done to deserve such pointed exclusion?

We're also struggling with the pantysue over Princess's knee picture. Pssssst Princess we don't think pantysue is really suffering there - in fact we think she's enjoying it.

Maybe a small token of atonement will help with Princess pantysue - anyway it's the Anniversary of Her Birthday. Can't hurt.

Extreme Perversion

In my quest (we should all have quests - this statement brought to you by Don Quixote) to get pantysue in trouble and keep Princess firmly focused on her so she doesn't notice when I screw up and I will screw up - soon. I can feel it!!! shudders I tend to peruse the various blogs around LDW. Looking for well I don't know what I'm looking for. Great. Maybe the "Dulcinea" of blog posts? Will somebody tell me what I'm looking for? I feel like a dog that just entered a room fand can't remember why.

Now jem's no piker when it comes to cage work and in a brief moment of clarity (don't worry it will pass, it will pass) I find it difficult to to even scoff at pantysue's personal best of what? I want to say an hour but it was probably longer, an hour and a half? That might have been lucky's record shrugs.

Anyway we all have our little areas of the sandbox where we dabble and one little corner is occupied by the Dicktator's Chasity Slave. Now this guy is extreme - so extreme in fact I think we should form a team and rescue him from himself! Jem - get the dynamite! Lucky toss me that AK47! Somethings go beyond ....

OOWWWWWWWWWW AARGGHHHH

Get her off of me!!!

ARRRGHHHHHH

GET HER OFF OF ME!!!

Not the face! Oh DEAR GOD not the face ooowwwwwwwwwww

God DAMMIT that hurt! Mittens what has gotten into you?! Have you been in the meth again? Sheesh!

Oh I was NOT taking myself too seriously!

ME?! REALLY?!

Let me scroll up... I was starting to get a little serious there wasn't I? OK then!

So I don't know if you caught chaste's stint in the chatroom awhile back but apparently MsCassandra and he are embarking on some three program thing. First something involving the latest and greatest in male chastity devices The Exobelt.

Jumps back as a stampede of Mistresses fall on the URL like, well, like... um... there was a sale at the shoe store? No? Like stern rose pedals? Both feminine and commanding - OK?!.

Next chaste has to chain himself to a radiator or something and be under continuous video surveillance - I wonder if that webcam addy will be posted? We could help keep an eye on the little miscreant.

And then some sort of thing that involves contracts which always gets me nervous. This one kicks off in August, I guess chaste has to do some sort of training beforehand which might even involve the hated sit ups.

Chaste seems to be having fun and I will most probably be reading all about it with that stupid, jaw dropped look on my face as I learn about his latest antics in his blog.

Recently on the Playground

Well Princess's blog informs me that there are about TWO SHOPPING DAYS LEFT before her birthday! You best bust ass over to her wishlist and get that pretty lady something nice! You know you want to.

MsGrace is apparently winning her battle with FHT (Forgot How to Type) and posted yesterday. What caught my eye was, "I even spent some fun time in the free erotic chatroom on Saturday night, knowing I had My lucky pet who never gets to play in there around." Filling me with jealous rage. Mittens shall suffer mightily, rest assured.

Now Princess likes to pace her blog posts (or so I thought - she also posted today but AGAIN we'll deal with that tomorrow) although I think we can all agree that 58.516 days between posts is - oh - a tad - excessive! Me? I think I sit on the other side of the teeter-totter preferring the "spray and pray" technique of bukakke posting. Sooner or later something will stick. Anyway we at The Assassin are heartened by this second (now third - all this extra work is making me GRUMPY!) post and hope Princess will hit her stride of two to three posts a week without stumbling!

Have we recently mentioned how deeply sorrowed we were to learn that pantysue is making a power play for lucky bastard?

TeaseTime roulette is fast approaching! Which will it be? The delightful chatroom or the despised provakatalk? Will Princess be there or have a FHT relapse? Time will tell.

May I Cum? NO! No no no!!! NOW THAT'S JUST GROSS!

Have you guys ever messed around with this site? Its full title is May I Cum? Orgasm Denial and Cum Denial, a bit wordy but I guess it probably avoids lawsuits. I use to go there and yank on the old wookie like some demented slot machine arm hoping for three bars but it was always, "No!" "Are you KIDDING Me?" "Not this time!" etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Shockingly even Princess Grace would have none of it! "No cummies for youuuuuuu"

Well eventually the sites galling negativity got to me and I quit going (I have enough problems - thank you) but I was wondering has any Mistress ever said "Yes!"?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCESS GRACE!!!!

Just wanted to cover my ass in case I over sleep or pantysue, or MsTara (now there's a growing list - super!) manages to kill me. Yellow journalism is HARD and no I'm not talking about peeing so move along, go on shoo pee people nothing to see here!

PantySue says BRING IT!

Well spring is in the air I guess and everyone is feeling their oats! (Ewwwwwww!) Keeping to our promise of helping pantysue dig her own grave and egg Princess on while doing so we went looking for trouble, guess what? We found it!

In a fit of mongoloid reasoning pantysue bitch slapped (OW!) Princess Grace with the following challenge in the comment section of Princess's very own blog:

I haven't seen such a monumental gaffe since I issued my public challenge to MsGrace back in 2006. A mistake I'm dying to repeat! I immediately posted a cautionary comment but Princess might not publish it (just checked - she did - thank you Princess! See how compassionate Princess can be pantysue? If you would just confess to having done "it" well "it" doesn't matter now anyway - you snooze she looses... the keys), she might not want poor, poor pantysue warned! In all honesty, I think it's too late. Princess was already threatening to loose pantysue's keys but I would like to gently remind Princess that MsTara is constantly looking for new earrings, or perhaps Princess would like to have pantysue pay to have them made into earrings for MsGrace herself? MsGrace can then wear them at TeaseTime to remind pantysue of her foolishness!

The arrogance in that comment is simply stunning, isn't it? First pantysue confesses to a rather serious felony thinking Princess is above blackmail one supposes, although we at The Assassin doubt this confession, actually ferreting out the truth would involve work, which we abhor. Case closed! Pantysue is the sole cause of everyone's suffering while she bogarted MsGrace for close to sixty days - she said so! (pssst GothGirl take ps off the Christmas card list until Princess has her adequately atone - she'll let us know).

Next pantysue casually tosses out a heads up to jemmie. Hey jem I'm gonna kick your ass in the caged department, all I'm waiting for is the go ahead from MsGrace, ho-hum, twiddles thumbs.

Stares at MsGrace, can't hold eye contact, looks down, gathers resolve stares at MsGrace.

Well Princess? Are you gonna issue that go ahead? Sounds like pantysue is waiting on youuuu!

Jem's record (one I doubt she's looking forward to breaking, much less nearing ever again, is in the neighborhood of seventy days, we don't have the actual number because looking it up would require work - GROAN!). Her latest stint was sixty-six days.

Now I know from Princess's post she's planning on tormenting pantysue for a week or so and even though everyone knows that she can make a week of tormenting seem like a month, well that's only thirty days isn't it? And those are simulated, not actual. Well I'm something of a purest when it comes to these record things. If pantysue is ready to actually beat jemmie's record, well then let's see! I'll bring the popcorn! You go pantysue!!!

In other pantysue related news: She issued a rather ominous statement in her blog, "i know that Princess is still taking care of some things and won’t be able to be back fully to Her royal Princessness for a while..." Uh, pantysue, what's 'a while' mean in terms of days? Hopefully a number lower than you'll be in that cage! As we near publication time we see that Princess has posted again and pantysue has officially pronounced MsGrace as back. We'll deal with that tomorrow, maybe, if you know we're in the mood.

MsTara Flees From Being Staked, the Pansy!: In her latest blog post MsTara suddenly brings up from out of the blue the fact that she's "departing on my much anticipated and needed vacation." Mmhmm. She also makes a plea for some reading material or gift cards to buy reading material because her time is nigh upon. Really, get her a book on CD or something, we'd hate for her to nod off behind the wheel before we had a chance to stake her undead butt! She's so demur that she didn't provide a link to her wishlist (actually she did but her sidebar is below her text in Firefox - we were scrolling down looking for her coffin or lair) so we actually looked it up, hopefully she'll scream with terror even louder in gratitude when she's finally brought down!

Her post touches briefly on Cinco De Mayo which, as everyone knows, is the Vampire holiday of drunken topless blood feasting (we didn't even bother googling it, we just knew - it's uncanny). Best I can tell it's kind of their Spring Break. We considered sparing her undead life when she confessed, "Give me a ice cold Rolling Rock and a shot of Absolut Citron any day of the week. And, mmmm, some Chinese BBQ Ribs, because they taste really good with Rolling Rock." Because how cool is that? Then we realized she wouldn't share and we got kinda bitter about it. But the final straw (at least for today) came when we read, "I ask you to bear with me as I get used to working my new overnight schedule... [snip] Otherwise the night shift has been very interesting." Sure, feasting off the innocent blood of virgins during Cinco Pass De Mayo or whatever you topless vampire folk call it has got to be interesting. We look forward to her final gasp of thanks when we drive the last of the tiny wooden skewers off the Chinese appetizer tray into her quaking heart ending her lonely life of vamperic damnation! We know she wants us to stop this terrible existence she now leads of making men into her mindless minions. That must suck! Er, sorry MsTara, didn't mean to pointy teeth er, nothing.

What's the Haps?

Lucky's Blog has recently under gone a new makeover and looks all dashing and formal and crap. Check it out:


I'll be brutally honest here (and try not to pull a muscle doing so) - I dig the look, it's elegant and refined! But of course it's not the look for me. I stare deeply into it's earthy browns, quill pen and balanced look and figure my comments just aren't good enough. I left one - we'll see if it's deemed worthy. Oddly the 'look' makes me want to write as if I'm in a Dickens novel or something:

Monday, May 5th in the Year of Our Lord 2008

My Dearest Princess,

Tis with the heaviest of hearts I feel I must confess my sins to Thee. I sat at my desk idly dreaming of Thy flaxen hair, Thy most beautiful eyes whose moonlit orbs have cost so many men their very souls and Thy heaving bosom. I began to manhandle my manly member into its full fury having done so many of times only to leave him frustrated and weeping for Thy kind permission and most gentle of affirming giggles. When who should burst into my office but that blithering ass Cratchit and his mewling son Tiny Tim! I in my wantonness, lust and all consuming desire having completely forgotten it was bring your child to work day...

Anyway read lucky's blog if you want the full story but I hope you get the gist of why I feel a bit influenced by lucky's new look. He mentioned in IM he's having issues with my term 'swanky' and isn't certain that the blog will remain in its current state. I only pray that he doesn't end up destroying himself while undergoing these changes. Go ahead and laugh but it's happened before! Be careful lucky!

Over at the playground

We've ingested enough advil and water to counteract the side effects from the Tres Generaciones Anejo experiment to actually read Princess Grace's post and her explanation for her mysterious absence. We're not buying it. PantySue?! Let's ignore the fact that if Princess were even to furrow her brow in pantysue's general direction she'd instantly be on her way home in her new Lexus driven by pantysue in some revealing chauffeur's outfit. Where we're cocking a serious eyebrow is StephMarie leading a search group of crack sissy commandos! I mean REALLY MsGrace, StephMarie??!! - rolling eyes!

Ugh, that was a mistake, now I'm all dizzy and nauseous. Stupid hangover!

Still Princess seems focused on some serious payback on the hapless pantysue. MsGrace seems blithely unconcerned that there be an actual reason for it. She's moody that way and for that we salute her! Since it's not us at The Assassin we plan to egg Princess on at every opportunity! After all if pantysue isn't 'getting it good and hard' one of us innocent lambs would be (nods head towards jem - don't look over here I'm not doin' NUTTIN!).

What? What about her post? Oh yeah! Nope it's obvious the government is buying her silence over the rapidly spreading I Forgot How to Type disease. However even given that we simply must say welcome back, we all hope you don't suffer any relapses. Though FHT (Forgot How to Type) is incurable we at the labs are working towards a cure that doesn't involve messing with the laws of nature, too much. We also hope you'll share when pantysue "snaps like a breadstick" because we all know she so deserves it, whatever 'it' was, yup yup. Oh hush pantysue don't act all innocent with us, we know you did "it"!

A Public Service Announcement (because we have to by Court Order)


Two Calls

jem is quite full of herself, stumbling around in some sort of post Princess call haze. Giving us at The Assassin all sorts of belligerent shit in the comments - it's annoying. To quote Bowie, back when he was relevant, Unwashed and Somewhat Slightly Dazed - that's jemmie! She's rather insufferable about it bragging about all the perversions she performed on poor innocent Angelina Jolie. Check it out and wallow in jealousy!

You Can Run MsTara But You Can NOT Hide!

MsTara sadly remains a vampire, even after several showers trying to 'wash it off.' She's so desperate now she's trying things like 'logic' and 'reason' to avoid her hellish fate. If anyone would be kind enough to give the location to her fiendish lair it would save us all a bunch of grumbling and complaining about trying to find it. If not I'm certain the will be a legendary confrontation between her and billyVanHelsing in the chatroom, of which only ONE will survive!

With Deepest Regrets

Well despite drinking my own weight in Tres Generaciones Anejo Friday night we at BillyBear Labs regretfully inform our gentle readers that I was unable to roll back the space time continuum and make Princess post to her blog. We suspect Princess never will again post and her blog will become a ghost town filled with tumbleweeds like banky's. I'm sorry, I thought it would work, I even ate the worms.

What? She posted? You sure? Well I guess it worked then huh. Actually I was pretty confident it would, it is science after all. I should probably drink more often, for the betterment of man of course.

Breaking News: The Weekly Assassin not acquired by LDW for use as a phone sex site so we're um still here much to the relief of everyone.

Podcast Canceled: My podcast Webkinz, Myth or Reality was not picked up by the networks after I refused to work with Chris Matthews. He's just a dick.

Photo-montage of GothGirl: Taken after I ralphed in the bathtub during the Tres Generaciones Anejo experiment. We don't shy away from showing our readers the darker side of science like they do at lucky's blog. I must have shot these from the bathroom floor, I really can't recall. She said the 'thumbs up' one was after she saw Princess's post.

Prayers and Damnation (58.516)

MsTara's Tragedy

MsTara and I go way back. I keep an eye on her blog and you should too!

Personally I find her blog most fun when she gets in a bit of a dander like in this post, "And I think offering ladies who can discuss humiliation, orgasm denial, and a score of other fetish fantasies with knowledge, understanding and a good sense of humor is VERY positive," and then invites comment. This was after a rather impassioned defense of Seymore Butts. Her blog is quirky and fun.

So we were saddened to learn that she's damned and a member of the undead. As she tearfully writes in her blog, [Now I'm condemned to] "cruising the clubs for a beauty to slake my first Dark Thirst after my vampire lover mesmerized me and made me his Companion of the Night."

Poor thing. We'll tape her horrific screams when we finally trap her and stake her undead ass. So very tragic, but these things happen.

Mittens Undercover

As you know ace reported in his blog "It took much longer than expected, but I finally got us to the first stop on the Kinky Road Trip." The Weekly Assassin is proud to report that ace didn't get lost, mittens did! We drugged ace using the old bait and switch technique at a local Outback Steakhouse and held him in a Bangkok brothel/opium den for over a month (tigers have a 'thing' for being fed opium by hot Asian hookers and so remembers nothing - but we took pictures ace - just in case!) while sweet mittens performed her crafty task of learning more about the enigmatic ace and his new gal pal the mysterious Sassa.

Mittens took her duties quite seriously and like De Niro in Raging Bull added some weight to appear more like a tiger. Deep under cover mittens learned things about ace that will turn your hair white! Read all about it in her upcoming exposé:

Ace, the Tiger, the Legend, the Stroker

mittens - undercover!

Princess Shows Up!

Dropping into her hosted chat a fashionably seven minutes late Princess Grace explained her recent absence with some cock and bull story about being trapped in a attic by a bunch of fans (58.516 days since last post and counting). We at The Assassin remain sceptical and put it to an immediate test, firing off:

MING: ning ning an hoa buitic molly moo moo nagit!

Which is Cantonese for "Ming let us know if you're acting as a stenographer in some manner or it's back to the reeducation camp!"

A little while later Princess was working out on tease me for cash and said, "Oh tease Ming love you looong time you buy off wish list yes big boy? Ming make happy happy gooey gooey!"

We at The Assassin stand firmly behind our house of cards made up story! Princess has lost the ability to type and it might be contagious! We would never induce panic in our readership but has anyone heard from lucky recently? We bet $20 of jem's Princess Dollars (settle down jem, we're good for it) that he has forgotten how to type too!

Check out jem's blog - there might be a Tease Time report there - or not - who knows? Jem has recently spoken with Princess so may be infected. Go lookie. We wont because we don't want to catch it!

The Assassin Welcomes YOU! (57.538)

What is The Weekly Assassin?

Is that a serious question? It's a news paper you dolt! A great man once said, "The truth is out there," and then stumbled around for nine years or so trying to find it. Waaaayyyy too much work for us! We decided that near-truth and flat out fabrication will suit everyone just fine.

Near-truth?

Here's an example. It's been fifty seven point five three eight days since Princess Grace last posted. Not that anyone is counting. That's just math, a fact. Where we come in is WHY hasn't she posted since the dawn of man? Has she lost her battle with the bottle, again?! Been traded into white slavery? Abducted by space aliens? If you think any of those answers are true then you would be WRONG! We at The Assassin know exactly why Princess Grace hasn't posted in fifty seven point five three eight days!

Why hasn't Princess Grace posted in fifty seven point five three eight days?

It's so easy, the answer is staring you right in the face! All we did was fire up Yahoo Messenger and ask her! The answer came back in seconds!

And what was the answer?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Yeah, don't you see! Princess Grace has forgotten how to type! She's incapable of replying!!! She can't IM, she can't post and it's the reason she was a no show at her own hosted chat last week! We've heard rumors that she's flying in an administrative assistant who actually CAN type, goes by the name of 'Ming' whether or not Ming makes it in time for tonight is a real nail-biter but we shall see, oh yes, we shall see!

What?

Exactly! You see the fifty seven point five three eight days since she's posted is truth, the she's forgotten how to type, well who knows? I don't, I just made it up on the spot. Mix the two together and you get a 'near-truth' which is a whole lot easier on everybody then banging on doors and trying to get to the bottom of things and acting like an asshole with a chip on his shoulder on some quest for 'truth' at some press conference.

What is the format of The Assassin?

Well it's not exactly formalized. They'll be stories that GothGirl, mittens and myself dig up filled with near truths and fabrications. Currently we're eying MsTara's blog. We're pretty sure she's using a ghost writer. I mean nobody in this biz is THAT lucid! Something is rotten in the state of Tea Time and we'll get to the bottom of it or pretend to when we get bored with her stonewalling. I'm also thinking of book and movie reviews the kind of fluff that keeps the females reading... how to crochet... you know that kind of crap.

Your slogan No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. Please help stop global whining! are... what?

Well they're bumper stickers and seem to fit the mission of The Assassin. If you don't take things too seriously we wont either and everyone knows what a real issue global whining has become.

GothGirl ponders the Global Whining crises!