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An enraged wolverBilly pauses for a photo-op on the planet M-113 while lucky cowers behind his shield and Og begs for them to "Stop the madness"
"Take that, billyboy!" lucky shouted with renewed enthusiasm. "Capitan America's Shield is impervious to adamantium!!! En garde!!!"
Bent over and panting heavily wolverBilly gasps, "Give me a second here ... sheesh ... who knew adamantium was so darned heavy? Dang, chopping through that eleven foot pole of balsa wood of yours really took it out of me."
WolverBilly and lucky are battling on the Star Trek set of planet M-113. Princess Grace being a total Star Trek geek has all of the various sets erected around her castle grounds. She even has her own 'Captain's Chair' where she watches TV from in her private room along with a phaser remote control. Her fluency in Klingon is unparalleled, her 'DaHjaj'oH QaQ jaj CuMQ' ('Today is a Good Day to Stroke') being considered the penultimate in erotic Klingon MP3s! In short, Princess is hot.
"Who ... gasp ... knew ... pant ... oxygen was ... cough ... slow thin ... rasp ... on this planet?" wheezes wolverBilly while digging a crumpled pack of Marlboro's from his boot, "Toss me that bag of Doritos would ya jem? I need to carbo-load for this battle. A beer wouldn't hurt either."
The sound of lucky cracking a beer from behind his shield can be heard.
"You shouldn't have defiled my woman lucky!!! I'm going to come at you like a spider monkey!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!!!"
"I had to channel Og or ..."
"ENOUGH!!!" calls out a voice devoid of all emotion, a voice of pure, heartless logic.
Princess T'Pring Grace rises from her captain's chair (she had PantySue lug it down earlier). Her face bereft of feeling she says, "You have entered Pon farr. One of you must die!"
Using that high, whiny voice wolverBilly gets when he's not getting his way he complains, "But I don't want to die Princess! I just want to come at lucky like a spider monkey! I thought that might look cool! Do you want to die lucky?"
"No."
"See Princess, no one's keen on dying here!"
A lackey of MsAva's, Stephanie Marie walks by jabbing wolverBilly with some sharp pointy thing.
"Owww! Motherfu.." snarls wolverBilly before the healing factor stops his oozing.
Flipping open her pink cell Stephanie Marie sashays off reporting success not noticing wolverBilly extending a razor sharp claw cleanly slicing the back of her dress open. Everyone stifles giggles at her Duke Blue Devils boxers.
In a voice deviod of all humanity T'Pring Grace replies, "Then to have entered Pon farr was illogical. Fucking another's fiancee was illogical. Fighting someone who fucks your fiancee (who permitted it) is illogical. Being illogical is stupid. We thin the gene pool of idiots by making them fight to the death. We are a very logical people."
The Star Trek fight music wells out of a boombox pantysue (dressed as Seven of Nine because she's been assimilated) is holding. Jem is dressed as an Andorian for obvious reasons, and all are so focused on the battle that on one notices Og crouching behind a bunch of cinder blocks.
Wheeling, wolverBilly throws a half eaten bag of Doritos at lucky's shield while lucky's panicky fired beer bottle goes wide striking jem in the knee.
wolverBilly pats his hands on his head, then starts hopping left to right, right to left while shrieking, "Ooo eeek eeek acka oookie aga eeek eek eek!"
Lucky peers from behind his shield in flabbergasted wonder.
"That's right lucky, like a spider monkey!!!!" screams wolverBilly, sparks flying from his claws as they drag ineffectually down lucky's shield.
Lucky smacks the shield down on wolverBilly's foot.
"Owwwwwww! You son of a bitch!!!" shrieks wolverBilly holding his foot while hopping on one leg before lucky smacks him in the head with his shield, dropping wolverBilly like a sack of potatoes.
Raising the shield high over his to deliver the coup de grâce lucky says, "Better you than me wolverBilly!" before wolverBilly rolls into lucky's legs knocking him on his ass, jabbing a claw into lucky's sole of his foot.
"Owwwwwww!"
"Feel the burn lucky!" wheezes wolverBilly.
"That hurt billy!"
"So did that shield lucky!"
"Look I'm sorry I messed with Og but Princess was on trial and I needed to help her! Og was the only one who could reach you and prove you were still alive."
"You mean other than me strolling into the court room and testifying?"
"Yeah! Other than that!"
"Like I could do now?"
"Well you weren't there at the time."
From behind her wall Og cries out, "Stop!!! Stop the madness!!! You can both have me!"
wolverBilly smiles ruefully at Og, "You said you'd wait for me Og ..."
"Billy I have needs, needs that must be fulfilled. Dark desires that must be realized almost hourly ... in fact ..."
"Hush lucky!" everyone says.
"Enough!" giggles Princess T'Pring Grace, "It's getting late, the fire is warm and we have food and music. Let's party!"
Everyone breaks and gathers around the fire. Og brings wolverBilly a beer and sits next to him while everyone stares into the fire. WolverBilly takes a sip and scoots away from Og not making eye contact.
Only jem and Og notice, both thinking, "Uh oh."
MarshmallowBilly
Emerging from the fiery pit, his body rapidly healing wolverBilly waddles up to his friends. Smoke curls around him.
"Another s'more Princess? No? MsTara? Sassa? lucky? jem? ace? How about a freshly grilled hotdog? No, it's not a 'lucky' dog! I haven't dealt with him yet!"
Glaring at lucky, wolverBilly can't help but smile while hanging with his pals.
An improved transmorgifier (build 7.432a) sits in a secret lab. Thirty roboMittens man various consoles and devices, a large photonigenerator (build 2.1845c) is humming at thirty percent capacity, its' beam passing through a window in the transmorgifier door. If you were to follow the long orange extension chord coming from the back of the photonigenerator through the caverns, up across the fields and through the woods you'll find it plugged into the back of ace's mansion; his electric meter dials spinning like so many airplane propellers.
"Check ... check ... can you hear me roboMittens? Good! Then the photonic beam is locked on me. You've placed the Adamantium skeleton inside the transmorgifier along with the healing factor? Use lots of ..."
incoming message from the eighteenth dimension ..."Yes Og I still love you my little virgin! Kiss-kiss! I'm a wittle busy here muffin ... talk to you soon!"
"Sheesh, what is that like the fourth time this hour? OK, look just dunk the care bear in the healing factor would ya? I KNOW it's a lot but I'd rather have too much than too little, toss in some extra Adamantium too I'm thinking of putting a few additional layers around my skull based on what happened ..."
incoming message from the eighteenth dimension ...
"Oh for crying out loud! What now Og?! I'm sorry ... please don't cry ... I know you're trying to get everything set for the wedding, hold the pattern up so I can see it. What's it called? Hopping Bunnies? Yeah that's cute Og, sure fine by me ... why is the sales girl saying 'Take it BITCH!'? I'm not fond of 'the hard sale' Og ... WHAT POWER FLUCTUATIONS roboMittens?!! Og, yes yes hop for me Og - I gotta go."
"Yeesh roboMittens that pattern should have been called An Affront to God instead of Hopping Bunnies! I know, I know roboMittens but any leftover Adamantium or healing factor will just sit in the chamber after I reintegrate, we'll clean it up later. We've got to find the source of those power fluctuations! That's most important at the moment!"
Purrrrrrrr
"Oh I'm sorry roboMittens, Princess is petting her naughty little kitty. HEY! I really am her pet! In your face lucky and jem!!! Yummm, she's hand feeding me Meow-Mix at the moment, she gives me treats all the time cause I'm so adorable. Awwww now she's holding up a saucer of cream. Yummy! Can't get enough of that!!!"
Purrrrrrrr
"Oh jeez there she goes! Back to the rocking horse ... you should see her, you'd think she was entered in the Preakness Stakes the way she rides that fucker! GO PRINCESS GO!!
What? A bad coupler? Well replace it and that should stop the power fluc ..."
incoming message from the eighteenth dimension ...
"roboMittens would ya just fix the gosh darn coupler then. I'd do it myself if I wasn't stuck in this cat's head ... WHAT IS IT OG and how did you get this number? This is the sixth time in five hours, I already said that china pattern was fine! ... Look roboMittens we need more power, if we cant get the photonigenerator in the two petawatt range then we might as well shut down and say fuck it all! ... well tap into the town power grid then!
Oh super! NOW Princess decides to break out the catnip. Get it away from me! Git! Oh drat I got a pretty good whiff that time ... heh ... this is fun isn't Princess? Oh yes I am! I'm Princess's naughty kitty, I'm SUCH A NAUGHTY kitty ...
I've got to get a grip ... there's plenty of time to hit-the-nip when I'm back...
Og, I'm really busy right now trying to get back into your dimension, I'll call ya back ... IS THAT LUCKY? Normally all I see is some office wall ... Hey lucky ... what are you doing? I'm not listening to one of your scripts ... lucky? ewwwwwww
Awwww come on Princess make your kitty purr just one more hit of that sweet, sweet catnip darling, mmmmmmm yeah ... who left this phone off the hook?"
More Van Der Graph generators are coming online. The photonic beam waves wildly out of line before stabilizing on the transmorgifier, the brightness of its' beam increasing. Minutes pass.
"You left my suit in the transmorgifier right roboMittens? We ready? OK! Let me say goodbye to Princess, kiss kiss Princess - I'm not suppose to be here - thanks for taking such good care of your naughty kitty! roboMittens initiate!"
incoming message from the eighteenth dimension ...
"Hurry up! I can't handle another call!!!"
A gigantic flash of light fills the transmorgifier as all power is lost. A stillness fills the lab, the soft ticking of cooling generators can be heard while emergency lights begin to blink on.
"I'm baaaaccckkkk! I gotta try this out ..."
Shing Shing
"Owwww that hurts like a ... too cool though! Let me get this suit on .... UNNGGGGHHHHHH! God dammit roboMittens I told you a XXL for a suit size, to hold my incredible musculature ... it is? UNNGGGGHHHHHH! that fucker's tight, I bet I look hot as hell! I guess I might have overindulged at Princess's. Well let's take a look at the new, improved BillyBear."
Across Paradise bad guys and evil collectively shudder! Subconsciously they realize a new force for goodness has arrived to fight them or anyone who annoys BillyBear!
Behold ...
"I do look hot don't I?! Oh I can hear the Mistresses cumming all over themselves when they take a gander at this! Poor babies! I can't wait for Princess to see me! Come on you guys, I've got a hankering for some of ace's patented triple double stuff gooey fudge cookies and a couple of boxes of his thin mints! What do you mean he shut the factory down?! For a sex shop?! Paradise needs another one of those?"
Shing Shing
"I'm annoyed already! In fact I'm vexed, sorely vexed indeed!!! Hey slow down you guys, I'm getting winded here. Anyone got a smoke?"
The ticking of the cooling metal can be heard once again in the empty lab when suddenly there's another bright flash in the transmorgifier. Nothing can be heard as it softly pads out, it's new Adamantium skeleton and body with healing factor incorporated into it at the genetic level helping it form in this dimension.
mittens goes in search of her master ... BillyBear!
Princess Grace gasps in surprise as she watches her pet dissolve into nothingness. She quietly asks, "mittens?" a tear slowly rolling down her cheek. In order to resolve the paradox the universe makes her forget she ever had a cat named mittens because she never did.
She giggles, eying her rocking horse 'Lucky.' She's gonna win the race this time, she can feel it!
It's a new year everyone, new changes, new things to do! Let's Ride!
Rising to her feet, adjusting her torn sundress MsTara confidently replies, "Yes Your Honor, the defense calls OfficeGirl!"
A large television is wheeled in and placed in front of the courtroom. The screen is activated.
"Hi MsTara! It's me Og! I can see you perfectly, can you see me?"
"Yes, but please wait until your sworn in. Do you have a bible?"
"I think they keep one in these nightstands, oh here it is!"
The bailiff shuffles forward, chains clanking and addresses OfficeGirl, "Please repeat after me, 'I swear by Almighty God ...'"
OfficeGirl shyly replies, "I swear by Almighty God."
"That the evidence that I give ..."
"That's right." says OfficeGirl nodding her head up and down.
Sighing, the bailiff says, "Repeat it."
"Repeat it."
"No! Repeat what I said."
"What you said when?"
"That the evidence that I give ..."
"That the evidence that I give."
"Shall be the truth and ..."
OfficeGirl excitedly replies, "It will, and nothing but the truth!"
Groaning the bailiff says, "Please. Just repeat after me, 'Shall be the truth and ...'"
Sounding sad OfficeGirl says, "I'm not a scholar, you know."
"We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me, 'Shall be the truth and ...'"
"Shall be the truth and."
"Say, 'Nothing ...'"
"Okay." OfficeGirl remains silent.
Growing frustrated the bailiff says, "No! Don't say nothing. Say, 'Nothing but the truth ...'"
"Yes."
"Can't you say, 'Nothing but the truth ...?'"
"Yes."
"Well? ... Do so."
"You're confusing me."
"Just say, 'Nothing but the truth ...'"
"Is that all?"
"Yes."
"Okay. I understand."
"Then say it."
Exasperated, OfficeGirls says, "What?"
"Nothing but the truth ..."
"But I do! That's just it."
The bailiff says hotly, "You must say, 'Nothing but the truth ...'"
"I will say nothing but the truth!"
Struggling for patience the bailiff says, "Please, just repeat these four words 'Nothing,' 'But,' 'The' 'Truth.'"
"What? You mean, like, now?"
"Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words."
"Nothing. But. The. Truth"
"Thank you."
Popping her gum OfficeGirl replies, "I'm just not a scholar you know."
"Can I talk to you now MsTara?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so."
OfficeGirl motions with her hand towards the screen and stage whispers, "Psssst, your boobie is showing! Are you going to help channel BillyBear too?"
"No." says MsTara while taping up her torn sundress, "Now, for the record, your name is OfficeGirl?"
"Yes but MsTara call me Og. I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to court, I'm pretty busy channeling BillyBear. We're making arrangements for our wedding!"
"And would that naked gentleman behind you be Raoul?"
"Let me check ..."
"What did you say your name was? What?! That's a goofy name!"
"He says his name is 'lucky bastard' isn't that a goofy name MsTara?"
"Wooooooooo! HEY! You didn't have to goose me you jerk!"
"MsTara he didn't have to goose me! That was mean!"
"Yes it was Og. Why are you naked? The last time I saw you, you had your clothes on."
"I've discovered that it helps me channel pumpkin"
"Pumpkin?"
"That's sorta my nickname for BillyBear MsTara. He hates it, he gets all huffy about it, he says in this deep voice, 'I'm a big strong bear!' It's so cute!"
"How's the whole virginity thing going there Og?"
"HaHaHaHaHa snort, MsTara of course I'm a virgin! I must remain pure for sweet BillyBear muffin bunny!"
"I'm sure he'll be dazzled with your resolve. Og, we're having a trial for the murder of your future husband. We're hoping you can help."
"Oh! When is it? I want to take out a big insurance policy!"
"It's already happened Og."
"Already happened? But I was just channeling him! He's not dead MsTara!"
"Well both Princess Grace and I are hoping pretty hard that you can prove that! Can you do that?"
"Sure! lucky weird guy, can you dance The Channeling Dance a little faster back there? No, I wont say it in a robot voice, what's up with that?"
"Og, OG! I think you're a bit too far from the camera, can you get a little closer to it?"
"Oh, I'm sorry MsTara! Here lucky ... NO I'm not giving you a nickel, boy you're demanding ... hold this camera."
"How's that MsTara?"
"Much better Og. Go ahead and let the magic of channeling happen!"
"I'm getting really good at it MsTara, practice makes perfect my mom use to say ... she was talking about knitting though ..."
MsTara checks her watch.
"OH! It's happening! ... Incoming message from the eighteenth dimension."
::The sound of a distant phone ringing can be heard::
"OH! Yes my master BillyBear! I receive your commands! Your every wish, desire and need I must fulfill for you my future husband and twue wuv! Any perversion, ANYYYYTTTHHHIINNGGG master BillyBear desires!!!"
"roboMittens would ya just fix the gosh darn coupler then. I'd do it myself if I wasn't stuck in this cat's head ... WHAT IS IT OG and how did you get this number? This is the sixth time in five hours, I already said that china pattern was fine! ... Look roboMittens we need more power, if we cant get the photonigenerator in the two petawatt range then we might as well shut down and say fuck it all! ... well tap into the town power grid then!
Oh super! NOW Princess decides to break out the catnip. Get it away from me! Git! Oh drat I got a pretty good whiff that time ... heh ... this is fun isn't Princess? Oh yes I am! I'm Princess's naughty kitty, I'm SUCH A NAUGHTY kitty ...
I've got to get a grip ... there's plenty of time to hit-the-nip when I'm back...
Og, I'm really busy right now trying to get back into your dimension, I'll call ya back ... IS THAT LUCKY? Normally all I see is some office wall ... Hey lucky ... what are you doing? I'm not listening to one of your scripts ... lucky? ewwwwwww
Awwww come on Princess make your kitty purr just one more hit of that sweet, sweet catnip darling, mmmmmmm yeah ... who left this phone off the hook?"
::The sound of a phone being hung up can be heard::
A relaxed Og asks, "Did it happen MsTara? Did I do good?"
"Oh yes Og, you did good! Tell me, why is lucky crying?"
"Oh, he said he saw 'something unspeakable' and burst into tears. It's OK whatever your name is, Og is here ..."
"... billyPrincess will take care of ... billyPrincess? Who's billyPrincess MsTara? Now what's his name is crying even harder ... MsTara do you ..."
The screen and the courtroom go dark.
"Thank you dear merciful lord!" says MsTara.
Judge kookie says, "Well I guess we'll have to reconvene tomorrow since the power ..."
"ENOUGH!"
Everyone gasps looking over to the jury box as MsAlly rises, "I've had enough of catfights, weird supernatural chicks, and whores who channel and the people who believe them. Is billy dead? No, so no murder was committed. Both MsGrace and MsTara are found innocent of all charges! Case dimissed!"
"I'm suppose to say that!" says judge kookie. Watching the storm clouds gather over MSAlly he quietly says, "But please be my guest ..."
PS: I wish I could take credit for OfficeGirl's swearing in testimony, but it was pulled from actual court transcripts along with some of Princess Grace's when she was on the stand.
Approaching the stand in her long flowing robes Princess Grace waits while the heavily chained bailiff approaches with the town bible.
"Please repeat after me, 'I swear by Almighty God ...'"
"You forgot to curtsy."
Going pale the bailiff stammers out, "OH! I'm so sorry MsGrace, please don't tell on me!"
"I don't have to, She's sitting in the crowd back there."
After curtsying like a frog on a skillet and swearing MsGrace in the sobbing bailiff joins Friday in the corner.
Sitting on the stand the Princess turns to the judge and says, "Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer."
"And why is that?" asks a somewhat annoyed judge kookie looking up from his crossword puzzle.
"Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case."
The judge turns to MsTara who's brushing up on her skills by reading a Grisham novel and asks, "Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?"
Glancing up from her book MsTara replies, "I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening."
"She seems fine to me. Your motion is denied."
MsTara rises from her desk and approaches MsGrace, her hippie sundress flowing about her.
"MsGrace, Did you kill the victim , gentle, sweet, and loving Saint BillyBear?"
"No, I did not."
"Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"
"Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder!"
"Trueeeee - I have no further questions for this witness."
Looking up from his crossword the Judge asks Friday, "What's a five letter word for 'deviant'?"
Picking up another icepack from the bucket and holding it to her flaming cheeks, Friday replies, "lucky"
"Oh! Thanks! That works. Do you have any questions for the witness on cross?"
Tits to the wall, Friday softly replies, "No."
Blanching and leaning into the microphone Princess Grace starts to cry, "Back off Friday!!! You don't have to be so harsh about it! I mean, sheesh! You know how I hate negativity!"
"But all I said ..."
"I mean it was fourteen hundred yards! An impossible shot with the wind and that crowd! And with that moron Corruptrix casting the spell on lucky's stroking wrist instead of Billy's head, I had to keep lucky locked up in a closet so he wouldn't fuck the whole thing up! Got him good and needy and kept him there. Better keep off the firing range for uh like forever lucky!" MsGrace proudly states.
Enraged MsTara glares at Friday, "Friday! Get your ass over here - NOW!"
WHACK WHACK Wackie-dah-WACK-A-WHACK
Tears rolling down her cheeks MsGrace continues, "I felt really bad about it afterwards you know? That's why I helped billy transform into his perverted elf persona. I thought he might be able to transmorgify himself or something and keep alive. He had no idea at the time ... but he wondered off somewhere, and then that stupid care bear invasion ... that was a pain in the ass, oh sorry Friday!"
spankAwhackSMACK SMACK!
"OWWWWWWW MsTara WHY? All I said was ..." pleads Friday.
"Why?" asks MsGrace. "Well billy can get so confused you know? I mean did you read those Two Riders posts? Tara and I figured a 175 grains of lead through billy's cranium might clear out his mind a little! Focus him. Since Tara had to be on the radio ... she really wanted to at least act as the spotter ... we decided that I should take the shot since I've been practicing on deer. My loathing for those giant squirrels is well documented let me tell you! But Tara was devastated, she wanted to watch him while she gutted him like a fish, laughing while he flopped on her razor sharp Fillet Knife of Fondness, giggling over his agonizing death throes. But did you see his head snap back when I nailed him?! Oh my god! And that stuffing he calls brains puffed out like so many dandelion seeds I was laughing my ass off, I have no idea how Tara kept from bursting out laughing on the radio! But she's a pro ..."
WHACK-A-SMACK-SMA....
Driving a paring knife deep into Friday's buttock in frustration and dumping her from her lap MsTara screams, "You BITCH!"
"Well I'm not frying alone on this co-conspirator TARA!"
The two Mistress launch themselves at one another. The resulting catfight is too horrible for words so an artist's rendition has been provided.
MsTara and MsGrace cat-fight before a stunned courtroom (artist's rendition)
It took awhile for the bailiff to clank over to the two combatants and since all he could do was curtsy while asking them politely to please stop pulling each other's hair quite some time passed before everyone simmered down and order was restored.
Finishing his popcorn the judge asks, "Are there anymore witnesses for the defence?"
Rising to her feet, adjusting her torn sundress MsTara confidently replies, "Yes Your Honor, the defense calls OfficeGirl!"
"Hear ye! Hear ye! The Paradise court is now in session, judge kookie presiding."
"You forgot 'the honorable'."
"Pardon me?"
"As in THE HONORABLE Judge kookie presiding, and would you look at that? You forgot to capitalize 'Judge' as it always is in a title. What are you some sort of Yankee wetback? Now do it right this time or I'll throw a contempt of court at you dammit!"
"Hear ye! Hear ye! The Paradise court is now in session, the honorable Judge kookie presiding."
"Better."
"prig"
"What is the case brought before us today?"
"The people vs. The Butcher of BillyBear the Meek"
"How does the butcher plead to this senseless slaughter of BillyBear?"
"Objection your honor!"
"Yes MsTara?"
"Under no circumstances is my sweet and loving client a 'butcher' - the term 'butcher' is prejudicial to my beautiful client!"
"Would you prefer 'annihilator?' I quite like that one! Or maybe Death Dealer ..."
"The defense requests a trial by jury your assholiness!"
"What did you just call me?!"
MsTara picks up a large, studded paddle. Casually examining it she asks, "Will the court stenographer please read back my question?"
A nervous stenographer replies, "The defense requests a trial by jury your honor!"
"That's what she said?"
"Yes your honor."
The jury of MsGrace's peers was quickly empaneled. Some of the illustrious jurors were MsAlly, the foremistress, sitting with a laptop going over spreadsheets and whispering into wireless headset. MsHeather who was currently not taking calls but blowing kisses at MsTara. MsAva who was softly whispering into her cell and MsRyan who was watching YouTube on her iPhone when not reading a book.
In short the jurors were not paying attention.
"The prosecution may call the first witness."
Friday nervously stands, wipes her sweaty palms down her skirt and says, "We call Corruptrix to the stand."
Nervous whispering and gasps of alarm fill the court room as the doors slam open, cracking the plaster walls and an eerily beautiful woman, looking like a heroin model, floats down the aisle way, her army boots hovering six inches above the floor.
Oozing malevolence she halts before the witness stand as a heavily chained bailiff in a nylon bodysuit approaches.
"Place your right hand upon the bible."
"No."
"Um ... OK ... do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you G... er Satan?"
"I do."
"You may be seated."
Friday somewhat confidently approaches the witness, "Ms Corruptrix, before we begin, could you please sit down in the witness chair instead of floating a foot above it? And could you maybe lose the hood?"
"Yeah, sure... I guess..."
"Thank you. Now, would you please state your full name to the Court?"
"Yeah, it's Corruptrix."
"Your full name please."
"Corruptrix"
"Don't you have a first name?"
Sighing wearily, Corruptrix replies, "Not anymore. All of my birth records disappeared after I got run out of town and disowned by my parents after the incident at my parent's church. I was taken in by my Auntie Ava, and she changed my name to Corruptrix. She also gave me the nickname Tuesday, because she said I acted just like little Tuesday Addams when I was a child. You know, I had a headless doll, played with spiders, all that kinda stuff. So I guess you could say my full name is Tuesday Corruptrix if that makes you feel better."
"OK Ms Addams ... erm ... Ms Corruptrix ... I'm glad you mentioned 'The Church Incident', as it's referred to in your hometown's records. Why don't you tell the Court what happened?"
Jumping to her feet MsTara shouts, "Objection! That's irrelevant to the case!"
Friday replies, "Your Honor, actually, it will reinforce a point I will be making later in the testimony."
Staring frostily at Friday the judge mutters, "It had better! Objection overruled ... for now ..."
Friday continues, "Ms Corruptrix, please tell the Court a little about 'The Church Incident'."
"It wasn't a freakin' big deal. I'd been learning some stuff from my Auntie Ava about magic and the occult when she would come to visit, and as I came to find out later when I lived with her, she was pretty much of an expert on those things."
"Did you just say she practiced witchcraft and black magic?"
Glaring at Friday, Corruptrix says, "I didn't say that, you jerk.... but yeah... she could do amazing things, and she taught me stuff whenever she had a chance."
Judge kookie interjects, "I must caution you to be more respectful, Ms Corruptrix ... What??? Did you just shoot me the bird?"
"No, Your Honesty, I have a hangnail and I was just looking at it in the light."
Friday plods on, "Will you please continue about 'The Church Incident'?"
"Oh yeah... well, I was bored... small towns bore me... and the people were all so straightlaced. I decided to liven up the services at my parents church one Sunday, so I came up with a special potion and dosed the communion wine. Within about 5 minutes, everybody got as horny as goats, and they all started throwing each other down in the pews and fucking each other like bunnies, right during the services. The preacher drank more wine than the rest, and he was totally out of control. It was pretty funny if you ask me. I only got caught because the neighbors heard all the noise and called the cops. When they came in, I was standing there giggling and was also the only one not fucking, so it wasn't hard for them to figure out who did it. After the effects of the potion wore off, they had a secret town meeting that I wasn't invited to, and the next thing I know, I'm being dropped off on the outskirts of town and told never to come back."
Trying to hide the triumph from her voice Friday says, "So to summarize, you made a workable magic potion."
"Yeah... so what?"
"Let's move on. How have you been making a living these last 6 months or so? I understand that your last real job was as an apprentice witch at the now defunct Freaky Friday chat events. You worked there for a few months with your Aunt Ava, and later, if my information is correct," Friday checks her notes, "With the esteemed Defense Counselor Miss Tara over there, who also worked at Freaky Friday for awhile, is this correct?"
Glaring at Friday, MsTara says, "Watch it, Prosecutor!!"
Corruptrix continues, "Yeah, that's correct."
Starting to perspire, Friday says, "And isn't it true, that it was at Freaky Friday where you first encountered the deceased, Mr BillyBear? And isn't it also true, that he once caused you great embarrassment at the chat event when he tampered with another potion of yours?"
"Yeah, I was pretty pissed off about that, but even worse, the rat bastard somehow turned my beautiful shoes to lead, laces and all, and I couldn't get them off and it grounded me for a week. That's a big deal for somebody who levitates around as their main means of transportation."
"So it would be safe to say that you are a little bitter about the demise of Freaky Friday and that there was no love lost between you and the deceased?"
"Yeah, I'm bitter... and I'm glad the fat little scumbag bought it."
"I see... and so it seems that Ms Grace wasn't the only one who had a good motive to take out the deceased!"
With a innocent smile Corruptrix asks, "Are you losing weight, Friday? Your blouse looks a bit loose."
Glancing down Friday says, "Hmmmmm... well maybe..... I haven't been ea..... OK... Moving on... after Freaky Friday shut down, where were you employed?"
"I floated in the unemployment line for months until that finally ran out. Then I had to take a paper route to make enough money to eat once in awhile."
"How do you like that job?"
"I hate it. I don't like the sunlight and the paper's an afternoon edition."
"And so, you would probably listen to any reasonable offer somebody made to you if it meant that you might make some money, right?"
"Yeah, I suppose..."
Trying not to rush her words and looking pointedly at MsTara Friday says, "And so.... if someone were to approach you, for example, the Defendant, Ms Grace over there... and ask you to make a potion or a spell that would help ensure the accuracy of the fatal shots, you would help her out with no questions, right?"
"You know it! I would go and shoot the bastard myself.
Jumping to her feet in triumph MsTara says, "Your Honor, the witness is confessing to the murder! My client is exonerated!"
The judge turns to the court stenographer, "Would the court stenographer please read back the confession just made by Ms Corruptrix?"
Going through the reams of paper finding the right place the stenographer says, "Ms Corruptrix states: You know it! I ..." when the stenography machine collapses into peices and that section of the transcript blackens before bursting into flames.
A small smile crosses Corruptrix's face.
Giggling like a mental patient Friday says, "Well, so much for Corruptrix' confession ..."
MsTara commands, "Friday! Get over here!"
"Yes Miss Tara"
"Pull that skirt up, panties at your ankles! Bend over this bailiff here ..."
"But Miss Tara... I was just trying to show that there was some reasonable doubt regarding MsGrace's involvement. I didn't mean to ..."
Picking up the studded paddle like the pro she is MsTara administers the first blow!
Whack!
"Owwwwwwwwww... But Miss Tara, I ..."
WhackWHACK!!!
"But ..."
WhackidieWhackaWACKWACK SMACK
"Owwwwwie! Miss Tara, I'm ..."
SMACKWhackidieSMACKWHACKSPANKWHACKWHACK WHACK!!!!!
The force of the spanking launches both of Friday's cheaters out of her now loose bra, and everyone watches in amazement as they skitter and bounce across the courtroom floor.
"EEEEEEEEK! My boobies! Nooooooo... what happened to my boobiessssssss???"
Corruptrix cannot hide her wicked smile.
Mildly winded MsTara commands Friday, "Never mind your boobies. Get over in that corner, nipples to the wall, show that red ass for everyone to see."
"Yes Miss Tara ..."
The judge sternly addresses Friday, "Madam Prosecutor, are you going to continue with your questioning of the witness or do I have to spank you for contempt?"
MsTara looks hopeful.
Rubbing her ass, standing in a corner, staring at her 'cheaters' on the floor Friday blubbers, "Your Honor, my ass hurts like a motherfucker. Now somebody get me some ice! The prosecution rests!"
MsTara calls from her chair, "Let's wrap this up. The defense calls Princess Grace!"
PS: A very special THANKS to jem for writing the Friday/Corruptrix dialog!
Bawbwaa Waawaa interviews an obviously distraught Princess Grace
Pwincess Gwace youw're too kind to do this interview with me here in my studio ...
Look you've gotten me kicked out of seven shoe stores, if I do this interview will you uhhh ... how do you say ... oh yeah ... fuck off?
Cwertainly.
And since when is gift shop your studio? I really think I should be on The View! I always loved the friendly camaraderie between you and your co-hosts!
Wealwee?
Well, yes, the giggling and the girl talk. You seem to get along so well together ... don't you?
I wesent the vomit from those fuckers, tell what do they know? Wosie with her fat ass and twendy clothes said she hated Hasselbeck, tell me why Hasselbeck should have to take that kind of shit? Shit from those fucking bwain dead bitches? Whoopie said Hasselbeck gave off 'evil vibes'. I should have beat the fucking shit right out of her, her with her fucking wroot extensions!
Uh ...
Oh, I'm sowwy, did I over-share? We're not hear to talk about The View are we Pwincess Gwace. No we-ah heawah to tawk about you and youwa welationshwip wif a wery spwecial, wemarkable idiwidual. But fiwst I must ask ... waaa wa wee wo wadiddy wedom waa woo woe wa?
::stunned silence:: I'm on record several times saying I would NEVER discuss that particular incident ... EVER! And if you ask me that again or anything that comes as close to being as offensive as that question I'll break your fucking hip with a baseball bat! Got it?
I see ... so no comment. Tewll us about your pain Pwincess ... a Pwincess's pain ... I mean surely it must hurwt to be known as The Butcher of Biwwy-Bear ...
Why are you dicing onions?
For the soup of course ... The Destroyer of All That is Good in This World ... The Wrecker of Humanities Last Hope ... Satan's Satan ... it's OK to cwhy Pwincess Gwace ... wealwy it is ... Amerwica can help you wif the healwing.
Well I've heard the butcher thing ... not the others ... what's that?
Oh this? My new pwerfume - here smell ...
Oh dear merciful God!
Oh I've mistaken it for my pwepper spway. How siwwy! That's it Pwincess, let the teawrs flow ::Charlie get a close up on her:: wet the heawling begin ... UNNNGGGHHHHHH ... Sylvia! ... SYLVIA!!! Come hither for I hath shat myself anon! Bwing fworth a depends and lawger butt pwug and set up my changing table ... Now tell Amerwica Pwincess ... You blew Biwwy's bwains all over the pavement because of abuse in Catholic High School by angwy wesbian nuns didn't you ... Cwhy for me ...
I was never in Catholic High School - Byeeeeeeee
And so a visibly shaken Pwincess runs cwhying fwom another Emmy worthy interview. Back to our studios ...
Next former cookie magnate Ace Papadopolis explains why he was found naked with a sniper rifle on the rooftop of a nearby office building.
A defiant ace as he was brought in for booking New Year's Eve 2007
These disturbing images were captured by the Committee Tasked With Defending the Butcher Princess Grace. The interview was taped and one frame of these chilling stills give credence to this lovely lady's claim that BillyBear might still be alive. The interview was conducted by jem, lucky (tosses nickel) and MsTara.
lucky: You've come before the Committee Tasked With Defending the Butcher Princess Grace miss ... ?
"OfficeGirl. That's my name but people call me 'Og' for short. I hope you don't mind if I lay across your table, it helps me channel BillyBear."
MsTara: Channel BillyBear? You claim you're in touch with the martyr BillyBear?
"Well of course I am. Do I look like some sort of promiscuous fuck-toy whack job to you? Nothing could be further from the truth, I assure you! BillyBear owns my heart, him and him alone do I truly love!"
jem: And that gentleman standing behind you would be ... ?
"Ummmmm, that would be Raoul, my bodyguard, personal trainer and BillyBear enabler."
MsTara: I'm sorry but I'm not exactly sure what sort of freak you are but is there any reason I should sit here and watch some bimbo get fucked doggy with her pants around her ankles while claiming to be in touch with with the former prophet BillyBear?
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."
MsTara: I said I don't believe you, and lucky quit whacking off!
lucky: Hush!
MsTara: Did you just hush Me?!
lucky: No MsTara, jem's pathetic whimper and moans were distracting me.
"Don't believe me?! Look at my honest, innocent face. No one fucks me MsTara. I'm a virgin I'll have you know! I'm saving myself for when my future husband BillyBear returns! We're getting married!!! We certainly seem to be getting off on the wrong foot here."
MsTara: The only people getting off are you, Raoul. jem and lucky. I'm outta here!
"Please wait MsTara! You have to believe me! I'm not insane!"
"Oh, OH! Something's happening! .... OH!"
"Clench my hips Raoul! This is gonna be a big one ... incoming message from the eighteenth dimension ..."
::the sound of a distant phone ringing can be heard::
lucky, jem and Office Girl simultaneously: "OH MY GAWD!"
"Yes my master BillyBear! I receive your commands! Your every wish, desire and need I must fulfill for you my future husband and twue wuv! Any perversion, ANYYYYTTTHHHIINNGGG master BillyBear desires!!!"
"ROBOMITTENS! Execute program deux ex machina two two four Dylan override zebra!!! Princess would you stop waving that yarn in my face?! It's pissing me off! Wait for me Og! Wait for me my beautiful, celibate future wife, my one twue wuv!!! Allow no one to defile you! Stay pure for me virginal Og! Damn that yarn, I must annihilate it .... DIE YARN ..."
"LOOK AT BILLY'S BUNNY HOP! I hop for Billy, only Billy! Ohhhhh my gaaawwwwdddd!!!"
::the sound of popcorn being munched can be heard::
"I live for BillyBear! Og must hop for her master! hop hop HOP!!! I cum for BillyBear, only BillyBear can make me cuuuummmmm!!! I'm Billy's naughty girl ..."
MsTara: OfficeGirl ... I mean ... really ::rolls her eyes::
"Excuse me MsTara, I have to take this call!"
MsTara: By all means ...
"Mmmmmmmm, that's it ... give mommy Og her treat! mmmmmmmm ... so yummy ... mama was a hungry girl ..."
"It happened again didn't it? Give me a second to catch my breath here ... those visions are so intense! Oh My Gosh did you hear MsTara? I'm getting married!!! I'm the future Mrs. BillyBear! I'm blushing aren't I? I'm always so shy ... I think a Spring wedding would be best, sometime in May ..."
lucky: BOY I'd like to fuck her!
MsTara: Well lucky I'm no lezzie but ...
Meanwhile deep in the super secret labs no one knew he had four RoboMittens constantly monitoring the Cocks News Network suddenly go active, executing thier programming.
This exclusive photograph of Princess Grace was taken as she was seated for preliminary hearings on her upcoming trial for the savage murder of Saint BillyBear. When asked by our intrepid reporter Crouching Wanker Hidden Upskirt (he's Navajo OK?!) how she felt about irreproachable BillyBear and if she could spread those knees a bit and quit being such a goody-goody, the uncaring, prudish Princess replied:
An enraged wolverBilly pauses for a photo-op on the planet M-113 while lucky cowers behind his shield and Og begs for them to "Stop the madness"
