And There are no Trials Inside the Gates of Eden

Approaching the stand in her long flowing robes Princess Grace waits while the heavily chained bailiff approaches with the town bible.

"Please repeat after me, 'I swear by Almighty God ...'"

"You forgot to curtsy."

Going pale the bailiff stammers out, "OH! I'm so sorry MsGrace, please don't tell on me!"

"I don't have to, She's sitting in the crowd back there."

After curtsying like a frog on a skillet and swearing MsGrace in the sobbing bailiff joins Friday in the corner.

Sitting on the stand the Princess turns to the judge and says, "Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer."

"And why is that?" asks a somewhat annoyed judge kookie looking up from his crossword puzzle.

"Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case."

The judge turns to MsTara who's brushing up on her skills by reading a Grisham novel and asks, "Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?"

Glancing up from her book MsTara replies, "I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening."

"She seems fine to me. Your motion is denied."

MsTara rises from her desk and approaches MsGrace, her hippie sundress flowing about her.

"MsGrace, Did you kill the victim , gentle, sweet, and loving Saint BillyBear?"

"No, I did not."

"Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"

"Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder!"

"Trueeeee - I have no further questions for this witness."

Looking up from his crossword the Judge asks Friday, "What's a five letter word for 'deviant'?"

Picking up another icepack from the bucket and holding it to her flaming cheeks, Friday replies, "lucky"

"Oh! Thanks! That works. Do you have any questions for the witness on cross?"

Tits to the wall, Friday softly replies, "No."

Blanching and leaning into the microphone Princess Grace starts to cry, "Back off Friday!!! You don't have to be so harsh about it! I mean, sheesh! You know how I hate negativity!"

"But all I said ..."

"I mean it was fourteen hundred yards! An impossible shot with the wind and that crowd! And with that moron Corruptrix casting the spell on lucky's stroking wrist instead of Billy's head, I had to keep lucky locked up in a closet so he wouldn't fuck the whole thing up! Got him good and needy and kept him there. Better keep off the firing range for uh like forever lucky!" MsGrace proudly states.

Enraged MsTara glares at Friday, "Friday! Get your ass over here - NOW!"

WHACK WHACK Wackie-dah-WACK-A-WHACK

Tears rolling down her cheeks MsGrace continues, "I felt really bad about it afterwards you know? That's why I helped billy transform into his perverted elf persona. I thought he might be able to transmorgify himself or something and keep alive. He had no idea at the time ... but he wondered off somewhere, and then that stupid care bear invasion ... that was a pain in the ass, oh sorry Friday!"

spankAwhackSMACK SMACK!

"OWWWWWWW MsTara WHY? All I said was ..." pleads Friday.

"Why?" asks MsGrace. "Well billy can get so confused you know? I mean did you read those Two Riders posts? Tara and I figured a 175 grains of lead through billy's cranium might clear out his mind a little! Focus him. Since Tara had to be on the radio ... she really wanted to at least act as the spotter ... we decided that I should take the shot since I've been practicing on deer. My loathing for those giant squirrels is well documented let me tell you! But Tara was devastated, she wanted to watch him while she gutted him like a fish, laughing while he flopped on her razor sharp Fillet Knife of Fondness, giggling over his agonizing death throes. But did you see his head snap back when I nailed him?! Oh my god! And that stuffing he calls brains puffed out like so many dandelion seeds I was laughing my ass off, I have no idea how Tara kept from bursting out laughing on the radio! But she's a pro ..."

WHACK-A-SMACK-SMA....

Driving a paring knife deep into Friday's buttock in frustration and dumping her from her lap MsTara screams, "You BITCH!"

"Well I'm not frying alone on this co-conspirator TARA!"

The two Mistress launch themselves at one another. The resulting catfight is too horrible for words so an artist's rendition has been provided.

MsTara and MsGrace cat-fight before a stunned courtroom (artist's rendition)

It took awhile for the bailiff to clank over to the two combatants and since all he could do was curtsy while asking them politely to please stop pulling each other's hair quite some time passed before everyone simmered down and order was restored.

Finishing his popcorn the judge asks, "Are there anymore witnesses for the defence?"

Rising to her feet, adjusting her torn sundress MsTara confidently replies, "Yes Your Honor, the defense calls OfficeGirl!"