Behind Every Beautiful Thing There's Been Some Kind of Pain

"Hear ye! Hear ye! The Paradise court is now in session, judge kookie presiding."

"You forgot 'the honorable'."

"Pardon me?"

"As in THE HONORABLE Judge kookie presiding, and would you look at that? You forgot to capitalize 'Judge' as it always is in a title. What are you some sort of Yankee wetback? Now do it right this time or I'll throw a contempt of court at you dammit!"

"Hear ye! Hear ye! The Paradise court is now in session, the honorable Judge kookie presiding."

"Better."

"prig"

"What is the case brought before us today?"

"The people vs. The Butcher of BillyBear the Meek"

"How does the butcher plead to this senseless slaughter of BillyBear?"

"Objection your honor!"

"Yes MsTara?"

"Under no circumstances is my sweet and loving client a 'butcher' - the term 'butcher' is prejudicial to my beautiful client!"

"Would you prefer 'annihilator?' I quite like that one! Or maybe Death Dealer ..."

"The defense requests a trial by jury your assholiness!"

"What did you just call me?!"

MsTara picks up a large, studded paddle. Casually examining it she asks, "Will the court stenographer please read back my question?"

A nervous stenographer replies, "The defense requests a trial by jury your honor!"

"That's what she said?"

"Yes your honor."

The jury of MsGrace's peers was quickly empaneled. Some of the illustrious jurors were MsAlly, the foremistress, sitting with a laptop going over spreadsheets and whispering into wireless headset. MsHeather who was currently not taking calls but blowing kisses at MsTara. MsAva who was softly whispering into her cell and MsRyan who was watching YouTube on her iPhone when not reading a book.

In short the jurors were not paying attention.

"The prosecution may call the first witness."

Friday nervously stands, wipes her sweaty palms down her skirt and says, "We call Corruptrix to the stand."

Nervous whispering and gasps of alarm fill the court room as the doors slam open, cracking the plaster walls and an eerily beautiful woman, looking like a heroin model, floats down the aisle way, her army boots hovering six inches above the floor.

Oozing malevolence she halts before the witness stand as a heavily chained bailiff in a nylon bodysuit approaches.

"Place your right hand upon the bible."

"No."

"Um ... OK ... do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you G... er Satan?"

"I do."

"You may be seated."

Friday somewhat confidently approaches the witness, "Ms Corruptrix, before we begin, could you please sit down in the witness chair instead of floating a foot above it? And could you maybe lose the hood?"

"Yeah, sure... I guess..."

"Thank you. Now, would you please state your full name to the Court?"

"Yeah, it's Corruptrix."

"Your full name please."

"Corruptrix"

"Don't you have a first name?"

Sighing wearily, Corruptrix replies, "Not anymore. All of my birth records disappeared after I got run out of town and disowned by my parents after the incident at my parent's church. I was taken in by my Auntie Ava, and she changed my name to Corruptrix. She also gave me the nickname Tuesday, because she said I acted just like little Tuesday Addams when I was a child. You know, I had a headless doll, played with spiders, all that kinda stuff. So I guess you could say my full name is Tuesday Corruptrix if that makes you feel better."

"OK Ms Addams ... erm ... Ms Corruptrix ... I'm glad you mentioned 'The Church Incident', as it's referred to in your hometown's records. Why don't you tell the Court what happened?"

Jumping to her feet MsTara shouts, "Objection! That's irrelevant to the case!"

Friday replies, "Your Honor, actually, it will reinforce a point I will be making later in the testimony."

Staring frostily at Friday the judge mutters, "It had better! Objection overruled ... for now ..."

Friday continues, "Ms Corruptrix, please tell the Court a little about 'The Church Incident'."

"It wasn't a freakin' big deal. I'd been learning some stuff from my Auntie Ava about magic and the occult when she would come to visit, and as I came to find out later when I lived with her, she was pretty much of an expert on those things."

"Did you just say she practiced witchcraft and black magic?"

Glaring at Friday, Corruptrix says, "I didn't say that, you jerk.... but yeah... she could do amazing things, and she taught me stuff whenever she had a chance."

Judge kookie interjects, "I must caution you to be more respectful, Ms Corruptrix ... What??? Did you just shoot me the bird?"

"No, Your Honesty, I have a hangnail and I was just looking at it in the light."

Friday plods on, "Will you please continue about 'The Church Incident'?"

"Oh yeah... well, I was bored... small towns bore me... and the people were all so straightlaced. I decided to liven up the services at my parents church one Sunday, so I came up with a special potion and dosed the communion wine. Within about 5 minutes, everybody got as horny as goats, and they all started throwing each other down in the pews and fucking each other like bunnies, right during the services. The preacher drank more wine than the rest, and he was totally out of control. It was pretty funny if you ask me. I only got caught because the neighbors heard all the noise and called the cops. When they came in, I was standing there giggling and was also the only one not fucking, so it wasn't hard for them to figure out who did it. After the effects of the potion wore off, they had a secret town meeting that I wasn't invited to, and the next thing I know, I'm being dropped off on the outskirts of town and told never to come back."

Trying to hide the triumph from her voice Friday says, "So to summarize, you made a workable magic potion."

"Yeah... so what?"

"Let's move on. How have you been making a living these last 6 months or so? I understand that your last real job was as an apprentice witch at the now defunct Freaky Friday chat events. You worked there for a few months with your Aunt Ava, and later, if my information is correct," Friday checks her notes, "With the esteemed Defense Counselor Miss Tara over there, who also worked at Freaky Friday for awhile, is this correct?"

Glaring at Friday, MsTara says, "Watch it, Prosecutor!!"

Corruptrix continues, "Yeah, that's correct."

Starting to perspire, Friday says, "And isn't it true, that it was at Freaky Friday where you first encountered the deceased, Mr BillyBear? And isn't it also true, that he once caused you great embarrassment at the chat event when he tampered with another potion of yours?"

"Yeah, I was pretty pissed off about that, but even worse, the rat bastard somehow turned my beautiful shoes to lead, laces and all, and I couldn't get them off and it grounded me for a week. That's a big deal for somebody who levitates around as their main means of transportation."

"So it would be safe to say that you are a little bitter about the demise of Freaky Friday and that there was no love lost between you and the deceased?"

"Yeah, I'm bitter... and I'm glad the fat little scumbag bought it."

"I see... and so it seems that Ms Grace wasn't the only one who had a good motive to take out the deceased!"

With a innocent smile Corruptrix asks, "Are you losing weight, Friday? Your blouse looks a bit loose."

Glancing down Friday says, "Hmmmmm... well maybe..... I haven't been ea..... OK... Moving on... after Freaky Friday shut down, where were you employed?"

"I floated in the unemployment line for months until that finally ran out. Then I had to take a paper route to make enough money to eat once in awhile."

"How do you like that job?"

"I hate it. I don't like the sunlight and the paper's an afternoon edition."

"And so, you would probably listen to any reasonable offer somebody made to you if it meant that you might make some money, right?"

"Yeah, I suppose..."

Trying not to rush her words and looking pointedly at MsTara Friday says, "And so.... if someone were to approach you, for example, the Defendant, Ms Grace over there... and ask you to make a potion or a spell that would help ensure the accuracy of the fatal shots, you would help her out with no questions, right?"

"You know it! I would go and shoot the bastard myself.

Jumping to her feet in triumph MsTara says, "Your Honor, the witness is confessing to the murder! My client is exonerated!"

The judge turns to the court stenographer, "Would the court stenographer please read back the confession just made by Ms Corruptrix?"

Going through the reams of paper finding the right place the stenographer says, "Ms Corruptrix states: You know it! I ..." when the stenography machine collapses into peices and that section of the transcript blackens before bursting into flames.

A small smile crosses Corruptrix's face.

Giggling like a mental patient Friday says, "Well, so much for Corruptrix' confession ..."

MsTara commands, "Friday! Get over here!"

"Yes Miss Tara"

"Pull that skirt up, panties at your ankles! Bend over this bailiff here ..."

"But Miss Tara... I was just trying to show that there was some reasonable doubt regarding MsGrace's involvement. I didn't mean to ..."

Picking up the studded paddle like the pro she is MsTara administers the first blow!

Whack!

"Owwwwwwwwww... But Miss Tara, I ..."

WhackWHACK!!!

"But ..."

WhackidieWhackaWACKWACK SMACK

"Owwwwwie! Miss Tara, I'm ..."

SMACKWhackidieSMACKWHACKSPANKWHACKWHACK WHACK!!!!!

The force of the spanking launches both of Friday's cheaters out of her now loose bra, and everyone watches in amazement as they skitter and bounce across the courtroom floor.

"EEEEEEEEK! My boobies! Nooooooo... what happened to my boobiessssssss???"

Corruptrix cannot hide her wicked smile.

Mildly winded MsTara commands Friday, "Never mind your boobies. Get over in that corner, nipples to the wall, show that red ass for everyone to see."

"Yes Miss Tara ..."

The judge sternly addresses Friday, "Madam Prosecutor, are you going to continue with your questioning of the witness or do I have to spank you for contempt?"

MsTara looks hopeful.

Rubbing her ass, standing in a corner, staring at her 'cheaters' on the floor Friday blubbers, "Your Honor, my ass hurts like a motherfucker. Now somebody get me some ice! The prosecution rests!"

MsTara calls from her chair, "Let's wrap this up. The defense calls Princess Grace!"

PS: A very special THANKS to jem for writing the Friday/Corruptrix dialog!