I Offered Up My Innocence and Got Repaid With Scorn

Rising to her feet, adjusting her torn sundress MsTara confidently replies, "Yes Your Honor, the defense calls OfficeGirl!"

A large television is wheeled in and placed in front of the courtroom. The screen is activated.

"Hi MsTara! It's me Og! I can see you perfectly, can you see me?"

"Yes, but please wait until your sworn in. Do you have a bible?"

"I think they keep one in these nightstands, oh here it is!"

The bailiff shuffles forward, chains clanking and addresses OfficeGirl, "Please repeat after me, 'I swear by Almighty God ...'"

OfficeGirl shyly replies, "I swear by Almighty God."

"That the evidence that I give ..."

"That's right." says OfficeGirl nodding her head up and down.

Sighing, the bailiff says, "Repeat it."

"Repeat it."

"No! Repeat what I said."

"What you said when?"

"That the evidence that I give ..."

"That the evidence that I give."

"Shall be the truth and ..."

OfficeGirl excitedly replies, "It will, and nothing but the truth!"

Groaning the bailiff says, "Please. Just repeat after me, 'Shall be the truth and ...'"

Sounding sad OfficeGirl says, "I'm not a scholar, you know."

"We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me, 'Shall be the truth and ...'"

"Shall be the truth and."

"Say, 'Nothing ...'"

"Okay." OfficeGirl remains silent.

Growing frustrated the bailiff says, "No! Don't say nothing. Say, 'Nothing but the truth ...'"

"Yes."

"Can't you say, 'Nothing but the truth ...?'"

"Yes."

"Well? ... Do so."

"You're confusing me."

"Just say, 'Nothing but the truth ...'"

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I understand."

"Then say it."

Exasperated, OfficeGirls says, "What?"

"Nothing but the truth ..."

"But I do! That's just it."

The bailiff says hotly, "You must say, 'Nothing but the truth ...'"

"I will say nothing but the truth!"

Struggling for patience the bailiff says, "Please, just repeat these four words 'Nothing,' 'But,' 'The' 'Truth.'"

"What? You mean, like, now?"

"Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words."

"Nothing. But. The. Truth"

"Thank you."

Popping her gum OfficeGirl replies, "I'm just not a scholar you know."

"Can I talk to you now MsTara?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

OfficeGirl motions with her hand towards the screen and stage whispers, "Psssst, your boobie is showing! Are you going to help channel BillyBear too?"

"No." says MsTara while taping up her torn sundress, "Now, for the record, your name is OfficeGirl?"

"Yes but MsTara call me Og. I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to court, I'm pretty busy channeling BillyBear. We're making arrangements for our wedding!"

"And would that naked gentleman behind you be Raoul?"

"Let me check ..."

"What did you say your name was? What?! That's a goofy name!"

"He says his name is 'lucky bastard' isn't that a goofy name MsTara?"

"Wooooooooo! HEY! You didn't have to goose me you jerk!"

"MsTara he didn't have to goose me! That was mean!"

"Yes it was Og. Why are you naked? The last time I saw you, you had your clothes on."

"I've discovered that it helps me channel pumpkin"

"Pumpkin?"

"That's sorta my nickname for BillyBear MsTara. He hates it, he gets all huffy about it, he says in this deep voice, 'I'm a big strong bear!' It's so cute!"

"How's the whole virginity thing going there Og?"

"HaHaHaHaHa snort, MsTara of course I'm a virgin! I must remain pure for sweet BillyBear muffin bunny!"

"I'm sure he'll be dazzled with your resolve. Og, we're having a trial for the murder of your future husband. We're hoping you can help."

"Oh! When is it? I want to take out a big insurance policy!"

"It's already happened Og."

"Already happened? But I was just channeling him! He's not dead MsTara!"

"Well both Princess Grace and I are hoping pretty hard that you can prove that! Can you do that?"

"Sure! lucky weird guy, can you dance The Channeling Dance a little faster back there? No, I wont say it in a robot voice, what's up with that?"

"Og, OG! I think you're a bit too far from the camera, can you get a little closer to it?"

"Oh, I'm sorry MsTara! Here lucky ... NO I'm not giving you a nickel, boy you're demanding ... hold this camera."

"How's that MsTara?"

"Much better Og. Go ahead and let the magic of channeling happen!"

"I'm getting really good at it MsTara, practice makes perfect my mom use to say ... she was talking about knitting though ..."

MsTara checks her watch.

"OH! It's happening! ... Incoming message from the eighteenth dimension."

::The sound of a distant phone ringing can be heard::

"OH! Yes my master BillyBear! I receive your commands! Your every wish, desire and need I must fulfill for you my future husband and twue wuv! Any perversion, ANYYYYTTTHHHIINNGGG master BillyBear desires!!!"

"roboMittens would ya just fix the gosh darn coupler then. I'd do it myself if I wasn't stuck in this cat's head ... WHAT IS IT OG and how did you get this number? This is the sixth time in five hours, I already said that china pattern was fine! ... Look roboMittens we need more power, if we cant get the photonigenerator in the two petawatt range then we might as well shut down and say fuck it all! ... well tap into the town power grid then!

Oh super! NOW Princess decides to break out the catnip. Get it away from me! Git! Oh drat I got a pretty good whiff that time ... heh ... this is fun isn't Princess? Oh yes I am! I'm Princess's naughty kitty, I'm SUCH A NAUGHTY kitty ...

I've got to get a grip ... there's plenty of time to hit-the-nip when I'm back...

Og, I'm really busy right now trying to get back into your dimension, I'll call ya back ... IS THAT LUCKY? Normally all I see is some office wall ... Hey lucky ... what are you doing? I'm not listening to one of your scripts ... lucky? ewwwwwww

Awwww come on Princess make your kitty purr just one more hit of that sweet, sweet catnip darling, mmmmmmm yeah ... who left this phone off the hook?"

::The sound of a phone being hung up can be heard::

A relaxed Og asks, "Did it happen MsTara? Did I do good?"

"Oh yes Og, you did good! Tell me, why is lucky crying?"

"Oh, he said he saw 'something unspeakable' and burst into tears. It's OK whatever your name is, Og is here ..."

"... billyPrincess will take care of ... billyPrincess? Who's billyPrincess MsTara? Now what's his name is crying even harder ... MsTara do you ..."

The screen and the courtroom go dark.

"Thank you dear merciful lord!" says MsTara.

Judge kookie says, "Well I guess we'll have to reconvene tomorrow since the power ..."

"ENOUGH!"

Everyone gasps looking over to the jury box as MsAlly rises, "I've had enough of catfights, weird supernatural chicks, and whores who channel and the people who believe them. Is billy dead? No, so no murder was committed. Both MsGrace and MsTara are found innocent of all charges! Case dimissed!"

"I'm suppose to say that!" says judge kookie. Watching the storm clouds gather over MSAlly he quietly says, "But please be my guest ..."

PS: I wish I could take credit for OfficeGirl's swearing in testimony, but it was pulled from actual court transcripts along with some of Princess Grace's when she was on the stand.