A nervous billybear stands before the untested time tunnelMsGrace has ordered me into the future until I get my shit together.
At least I'm pretty sure that's what She meant when She said, "Talk to you soon." After awhile you pick up on Her nuances.
I thought it was kind of drastic but She's fasting, or drinking this green goo, reports are varied and confused. Anyway She's probably a wittle cranky at the moment and you better believe there was no back talk from Her billybear! Into the future I go!
Being a super genius, I pulled an all niter and whipped together this time tunnel and I'm about to pop it's cherry. I hope it works! I hope it doesn't just rip me apart, spreading billybear atoms throughout time! But even more importantly I hope it wont tear a hole in the space time continuum causing the blending of all pasts and futures to happen in inverted N-Space, that wouldn't be good, would it? No, Schrödinger's cat frowns on that sort of bullshit. Nervous giggle, wrings paws.
As this equation clearly shows, as time T increases exponentially more and more overlap will occur throughout N-Space until temporal paradox is reached where the equation goes to zero. Zero isn't so good since it means the destruction of the universe.
That's one of the reasons I have taken precautions so that can never occur! I've set all sorts of auto-destructs so that this baby will be nothing but a slag heap after I leave. I have the plans right here in my noggin and time tunnels are remarkably cheap to build now that we've cracked the code to ace's Cayman Island accounts!I have yet to get the negative ion transmodulator omegatimetron to work so I can't go back in time. Nope, this is a one way ticket! But we do have the magnoBlogTimeOmeter working, so I can post this in the past although it's already occurred in the future! That's cool! Not much use for it though, unless you're some sort of Calvinist like mittens. Predestination, it's all about predestination with that cat and total depravity - rolls eyes.
I wonder what the future will hold? Will I have to squash or lead a robot rebellion? Will gravity take it's harsh toll on jem's boobs, banging them against her knees causing her to wince in pain? Will lucky achieve total domination of Princess by then? Will banky still be caged? What kind of woman will pantysue be? Will ace have managed to get another MsKate call in, the horrible RealWorld finally relenting?
Oh and the technology! I am so calling Princess, first thing! Well I hope inflation isn't bad and it now costs $12,000/sec or something. I bet they have holographic chatrooms! Probably you can purchase a Princess in your head chip, if so I am getting one! I hope there's something that will let me catch up on all the posts quickly, I'll be sorry to have missed so much fun!
You will have to imagine it, while I billybear will be living tomorrow today!
Well I hope I have my shit together by the time MsGrace catches up! I'll miss you, my slow time friends, as I step off into a bright tomorrow filled with teleporters, starships and Princess in your head chips (I bet they're pink)! Catch up baby tomatoes!
And don't think for one second I've forgotten you my elvish brethren crushed under ace's hobnail boot heel! Once I get to the future there will be a reckoning! What do you mean they have a health plan, are fairly paid and are quite happy, roboMittens? What's that have to do with anything? williamWallaceBear will paint half his face, um, bluer and shriek FREEDOM while riding mittens around some local park! billyNormaRae will proudly hold up a 'STRIKE' sign in some future cafeteria! Again roboMittens with the corrections? Who cares if they don't want to unionize? How do you know all this? They have a website? Well why are they wasting my time then with the planning and the scheming? Send them a bill, the ungrateful bastards! Look we'll discuss this later, I'm busy!
Billybear flips the switches on the self destruct. A feminine voice comes over the speakers, "Self destruct initiated, self destruct in sixty seconds"
roboMittens set the tomorrowTron to June 12th, 2007! What?! What is it now? It only takes Julian dates for input? CE or BCE? CE? Good, that's easier. Well ... do the math! You can't? Floating point error? I've got to get you upgraded to a 64 bit processor. It's pretty basic math, fine I'll just do it in my head, we're on daylight savings time right? ... carry the one, add in ace's current number of obsessions. Damn I hate when I have to slap together one of these prototypes like this and do math on the fly! They're still peeved at me about that stupid crash, as if! OK, mmmmm roboMittens...
Set if for: 2454266.41806 CE! Got it? Good!
"Self destruct initiated, self destruct in thirty seconds"
No, wait, wait, wait! I forgot to add in the number of days jem was caged! Oh baby that would have been interesting, who knows 'when' I would have popped out ... lets see ...
Set if for: 2462302.41806 CE
Boy that was close! Green board roboMittens? Which light's yellow? Oh don't worry about that one, that's the converterEpsilonOTron, anyway we're so out of time.
Well I hope to see you all on the other end of the telescope, in the bright light of tomorrow! If you make it! I'll try not to stare at how old you guys, yes roboMittens - other than the ageless Mistresses, look. Stumbling around all senile. You'll be so cute in your bibs bitterly muttering about the good old days.
If I don't make it and I'm slowly atomized, well everyone seems healthy and happy ... wuvs ya ... blah blah blah soft smile - billybear waves into the camera
"Self destruct initiated, self destruct in ten seconds"
Blast doors, thicker than bank vaults, slowly begin their decent. "roboMittens, evacuate!" billybear calls as he frantically waddles down the time tunnel, growing smaller, smaller ... gone. roboMittens scurries across the screen towards a descending blast door crapping AAA batteries in terror, barely getting through before it seals.
"Self destruct in five - four - three - two - one. Self destruct"
The camera shows sparks erupting from one of the consoles. Nothing happens. The time tunnel continues to spin as does the tomorrowTron... faster, faster, forming a temporal vortex, a rip in the space time continuum starting the slow inversion of N-Space...
"Lab lock down completed" The screen fills with static.
billy,
ReplyDeleteI am opening a bank account tommorrow at Chase Bank. I will deposit one fat cent. I figure the interest will make it worth millions in your new time. Will you close out the account for me and send it back? I could really use it. Split it with ya. We could be wealthier than ace.
your friend in time,
lucky
What time is it there? My watch stopped.
ReplyDeletelittle bitchass
*Will lucky achieve total domination of Princess by then?*
ReplyDeleteI've heard that She's putty in his hands, so this will be interesting!!
Still, my money is on Princess... but it will be soooo much fun to watch him try!
little bitchass
Billy I was going to read this post tomorrow but I ran out of time and I had to read it today.
ReplyDeleteBTW did you remember to carry the pi to the power of the number of LDW websites divided by average chatroom visitors to Tease Time on months with an R in them? Would this not make your calculation 2462302.41807CE instead of 2462302.41806CE? Never mind, don't worry about it, unless you are seeing pteranadons there ...
BTW did you remember to carry the pi to the power of the number of LDW websites divided by average chatroom visitors to Tease Time on months with an R in them?
ReplyDeleteOf course! rolls eyes Everybody knows that, even ace! Well I mean I'm sure I will remember that even with a countdown clock running and what not.
I was going to read this post tomorrow but I ran out of time and I had to read it today.
I hear THAT sister! Time, time, time see what's become of me ...
Good luck on your journey, Billy. I suppose it's worth the loss of my Cayman accounts to keep you occupied while I commission a "Time Repair-O" machine (I like comic book-y titles as opposed to scientifically respectable ones) to go BACK in time to stop you from making your time tunnel. You know, just in case we get to the future and you've gone insane and created an army of RoboMittenses to transmorgify us into your hapless slaves. But I'm sure that won't happen... Just want to be prepared. See you in the future, mathematics willing!
ReplyDeleteHey, bear brain, just giving you a shout out from the now perfect past. If you've picked up a history book, you'll see that we are living in a time of sudden great plenty. Crime is way down, kindnesses are way up, and the folks here at LDW have never been happier. Jem is running for office on the Bimbos R Better platform and we believe she will win, with the backing of Ace Superior and Good For You New Cookies. These delicious cookies actually help one reach the perfect weight and size, with no bad side effects. Ally, Grace and the rest of us ARE worshipped now, we have our own temples and we use our powers for good, not evil. bankyboo is temple servant to all the young ladies who flock to learn the secrets of Princesses Grace and Kate, he runs around in his panties and apron and couldn't be happier. pantysue runs a very mysterious House out on the edge of the Wastelands - she does a brisk business and we seldom see her, but the parties we DO attend are amazing! How she maintains that incredible pool in such a barren place...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, just wanted to let you know that the rest of the world is also prospering and at peace. Thanks for leaving!!
Wub-Miss Tara
we have our own temples and we use our powers for good, not evil.
ReplyDelete::billy checks the skies for flying pigs::
bankyboo is temple servant to all the young ladies
These girls, do they have nozzles?
Thanks for leaving!!
::shakes paw:: Anytime MsTara! Hey BTW, did you know we're at war with the pixies here in the future? Yeah, I may have started it but come on I still maintain that pixie chick was looking at me funny!
BTW: Banky, beware the Amazon sex slave robots! Some feminist yahoo up here in the future decided it would be just nifty to make them all premenstrual so they're a little TOUCHY. Anyway they're hunting me and well the rest of humanity since I said I was king of all humans (look it just slipped out so BACK OFF)
MsGrace looks hot as holy hell BTW as do the rest of the Mistresses but they're just kinda rolling their eyes ...
::BANG BANG BANG::
EAT HOT LEAD YOU FUCKING PIXIE BITCH!!!
If you could off Tinkerbell for me it would really help up here. I gotta go ...
*Jem is running for office on the Bimbos R Better platform and we believe she will win, with the backing of Ace Superior and Good For You New Cookies.*
ReplyDeleteHey, I can even pronounce the word "nuclear" correctly!
I've offered the VP position to Ace as a political favor for his most generous backing, but if Ace turns it down, I will be looking for another candidate.
If this happens, I will be having open auditions for the position. If anybody is interested, post a short essay in my blog on why you think you would be best qualified for the job. It will also help your case a whole lot if you put cash into an envelope with your name on it and drop it into the big black briefcase on my desk. I will even turn my head to ensure that I will be blameless in any future investigations.
This has been another unethical political commercial paid for by the Committee to Elect Bitchass.
Future President Bitchass
Jem, I believe your platform is a strong one... I have a few bills I'd like to get past as well, like government provide vouchers for, um, conference calls.
ReplyDeleteI am honored to be on the ticket with you, and will match any (real) donation in cookies, which any reasonable source will tell you are more valuable than dollars.