Lift Off

I step out of the house into the cool evening air. Paradise is a town like any other town filled with phonesex Mistresses and pervs. It's my town and something has gone very wrong here. I plan to get to the bottom of it, Tracer style.

Snapping open my cell I punch a number in my Friends and Family Circle... That always makes me smile, I have no friends, nor family.

"Yeah, meet me at PhukaDuk's Vietnamese Steak House of Sushi Delight!

Mom?!

I'm sorry, I misdialed. NO I DID NOT TELL YOU TO FUCK A DUCK! Stop crying! Look I gotta go! ... I ... HAVE ... TO ... GO!"

Sheesh.

I complete the two calls I needed to make and walk towards the restaurant. I'm hungry and I get cranky when I'm hungry. You wouldn't like me when I was cranky cuz then I get whiny and no one wants that. Nope these kind of cases are best solved on a full gut... of cheap whiskey.

I like to walk, ever since Friday plowed my car into the rear of a parked squad car screaming, "Where the FUCK did that come from??!!" at the top of her lungs, her eyes already blackening from the airbag, I've pretty much had to walk. Or bike. The thing is my trench coat creates so much drag on a bike that I might as well sail and I hate the water, plus my fedora flies off on the bike and I look like a total dork in a bike helmut. The gloves are cool though.

Fuck it, PhukaDuk is five miles away.

I turn 180, strut by with as much dignity as I can muster past a smirking GothGirl muttering, "Not one word" and come back out with my mountain biking shorts (they have pockets), t-shirt, commuter windbreaker, and two panniers packed with my Tracer stuff.

Sigh, and yes my bright yellow bike helmet.

Covered in sweat, I get to the restaurant about thirty minutes later. I chain my bike up, remove the panniers and head in. I've developed a chemical shake and my pupils are so constricted it's hard to see.

PhukaDuk is similar to any Vietnamese sushi steakhouse you'll find in hundreds of cities, towns and bergs across this fair land. Family owned it's a little run down after its heyday two years ago. Its clientele devolving from Paradise elites to the most sordid middle class pervs who haven't shot their wad on phonesex and can pay the tab.

The restaurant is long and dimly lit to help conceal what 'naugties' you might be wearing, it replaced some other store in the strip mall as the strip mall itself starts its death throws of increasingly 'Vacant' storefronts. Along the left hand side is a tiny bar and behind it a much longer sushi bar. Along the right hand side are a series of tables and behind all that are the restrooms and kitchen. Surprisingly, PhukaDuk serves remarkably good food as long as you don't order a steak, they're clueless about steak... and pizza.

Squinting for focus I stare myopically around the joint until I spot them about five feet from me at a corner table by the window, they watched me come in.

Lucky, a towering behemoth of a bass player, legendary with masterful powers of persuasion, once convincing the entire town to pay him a nickel when they said his name smirks and says, "Could you look any dorkier?"

Jem, her long blond hair obscuring her face in her never ending quest for 'heroin chic' having only recently mastered one half of that fashion statement, giggles.

"BothOfYouCanKissMyButteredBellyIfFridayHadn'tWreckedMyCarWeWouldn'tBeInThisPickleNowWouldWe???"

"Huh?"

I rip out a chair and plop down before immediately standing back up thinking, sitting's for fags. I reach over and shakily grab jem's glass of ice water slopping half of it across the table before chugging the rest of it down.

"GawdI'mThirsty!" I chortle while eying lucky's glass greedily.

Jem signals a waiter, "Bring us a bottle of Wild Turkey."

Lucky looks questioningly at jemmie. Jem nods in my general direction, "Look at his eyes."

"Oh boy," Lucky gets up and lumbers towards a waitress. While he's gone I grab his water glass and chug it down. I seem be be creating something of a scene. The waiter arrives with the bourbon and I'm trying to convince some woman at the next table that it would be in all of our best interests if she'd part with one of her Marlboro Reds while gritting my teeth and gently pressing a fork against her carotid artery.

Suddenly I'm picked up by the scruff of my neck by a pissed off jem and slammed back into my chair. Jem says calmly to the alarmed woman, "He's harmless, ignore him."

I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that when jem sits down next to me, half fills the water glass in front of me and says, "Chug it!"

"You'reSoFunnyWhenYouTryToBeAllDommieJem!" I giggle.

Jem just stares at me, she's not kidding around.

I pick up the drink and swallow it one burning pull after another, "ThereAllDoneWeGonnaSettleDownNowHUH?!" before I belch.

Sheesh.

Then I'm grabbed by the arm by a pissed off lucky and dragged like a recalcitrant three year old to the restrooms. Jem follows with my panniers.

He tosses me into the middle of the rest room and waves a long white object so close to my face I can't focus on it, "Smoke this."

"WhatIsIt?" I ask suspiciously.

"Thai stick." Lucky doesn't talk much.

"UmmmmmOK!" I grin, toking down a monster hit after jem lights it. "HowMuchDidThatCostYou?" I grunt out.

"I have to stroke for the waitress."

"OK, how much did that cost you?!" Jem and I laugh out loud although jem was about a full measure behind me since she talks so s-l-o-w and all. What's up with that?

Lucky heads for the door. Over his shoulder he says, "I'll watch the door. Jem, make sure he smokes all of it and changes out of that stupid outfit!"

"Heyyyyyyyyyy!"

I continue to drag on the joint while eyeing jem with puppy dog eyes, "Why are you being so mean to me?"

"Because you're acting like a Total Asshole!"

"Asshole is my middle name."

"Yeah but 'Total' isn't."

I feel the pot coming on, glance down and see the joint is about three fourths done. I hand it to jem, pick up my panniers and head into the stalls, "Here hold this for me."

After I get back into my Tracer attire I feel better, I have a grip. I'm certain I can convince that woman to give me a whole pack of cigs with one of my 45s where the stupid salad fork failed me. I pick up my panniers and head back into the restroom, looking forward to finishing that joint.

Jem's putting lipstick on in front of the sink, partially hidden by a huge cloud of smoke.

"Give me the joint. Gimme, gimme, gimme!!!"

"You smoked it."

"I did not!"

"Did too!"

"I so totally did NOTTTTTTTTT!!!"

"Did"

"NOT!"

"DID!"

"I did?" I honestly can't remember for sure, I mean I might have.

"mmhmm"

Whatever, never mind, "OK."

We head back into the restaurant. It's remarkably more empty then when I went into the bathroom. Go figure.

We sit down at the table and a sullen Japanese waiter comes over saying with that weird condescending tone, "What would you like to order?"

Lucky pipes in with, "I'd like twenty-seven pieces of uni and some green tea."

"Excellent choice sir!" says the waiter, brightening at the thought of his upcoming tip.

"UNI??!!! It tastes like rancid pussy!" I blurt out.

"What's your point? I like the taste of rancid pussy."

"Fine!" I glance at jem, who's next to order.

"I'd like a cheesecake please and a diet Mountain Dew."

"You mean a slice, right?"

"No."

"I so did NOT finish that joint!"

"Yes, Billy, you did," said jem while squirting more Visine into her eyes, "if I'm to get the bubble butt I long for I must make these sacrifices."

"Fine! But promise you'll stop talking like you're in an Emily Brontë novel!"

Dabbing her mascara jem replies, "Oh Heathcliff!"

The waiter turns to me, "And you?"

"The last time I was here I had this great cooked salmon dish, I just can't remember what it was..."

"Our salmon is raw."

"No, it was cooked and had asparagus spears..."

"OUR SALMON IS RAW!"

I'm shocked by his vehemence, like I've just insulted him and every single member of his family. My hand inches towards my gun while I fumble through the menu, "Oh! Here it is, Salmon Teriyaki!"

"Well of course we have many types of cooked salmon," he glares at me like I'm some idiot.

"Well I'd like that one, " I say while shoving the menu at him.

Fucker.

Lucky turns to me, "So why did you call us?"

"I'm going to find ace. I thought maybe you two could help me generate some leads."

"Ace is gone. It happens around here."

"No, I owe him. He took a bullet for me in Nam."

"Blood debt," says jem.

"Blood debt," says lucky.

"Plus he's our friend."

"Trueeeeeee" they say.

Jem looks over at me, "Tell us about the blood debt. How'd it happen?"

In an instant my mind flashes back to that Green Crotch... Viet Fucking Nam...