The Journal: Mighty Like a Rose

From the journal of William Crozier

March 2, 1849

Beautiful Tabitha,

What have I've done?

I had lost my reason, took my journal and left town and everything I've grown to love. Now I sit in this cave, closed off from the world. I know nothing but what I see out the cave opening I scaled a day ago.

Why did I do it?

To hurt you Tabitha. Did it work? I will never know. That was my first thought when I went about my insane business but upon reflection I think a closer truth would be Fear.

Fear that you would leave. I thought in my madness that it would be best to deliver the mortal blow myself before you did. How stupid. You never gave me any indication that you were going to do such a thing and for all I know your sudden silence was the result of any number of reasonable explanations. I never gave you opportunity to reply. How I wish I had!

I cut off a perfectly functioning hand out of fear that it would stop working. The bill has come due and I must pay for my stupidity. Whatever possessed me to destroy my fine house of cards has left me now. Pride holds me here.

Tabitha you will never know how very much I regret my actions, how I wish I could undo what I have so rashly done. Would you have me back Tabitha if I were to return with my tail between my legs, cur that I am?

How could you? I have lied to you, told you I would be your friend, that I so much wanted to be your friend, was your friend. I wish I could find a way to remain your friend. No action short of murder could blacken my soul more than betraying a friend, a trusted confidant.

I have betrayed you. I am not trustworthy.

In my stupid attempt to hurt you I've deeply hurt myself. I sit, shivering against this wall fervently hoping that I didn't hurt you at all. That you haven't even noticed I have gone. That I did not matter.

My name in water writ.

While I was busily wrecking everything I love I was having so much fun. I felt in control, that this was the proper thing to do. Once I started I found I could not stop.

They say it's cold in Hell. It's very cold here.

And what of you Tabitha, and Jerome and my other friends? What will become of you? What twists in the road of life will I miss? Could I have helped? Lightened the load? Shared in the laughter, supplied a shoulder in sorrow? I shall never know.

Who shall sing your song?

My daylight is failing. I'm tired through my very soul Tabitha, I'm so very tired. It's going to be very cold again tonight. I can't stop shivering! I'm frightened and very much alone. I have no one to blame but myself. With no help at all I did this to myself.

Do you remember when I took you out to the field and taught you how to shoot a pistol? Your eyes blazed like fire as you blasted bottles from the fence! Oh what fun we had that day! Do you remember what I told you? "Tabitha, once you pull the trigger you can never call the bullet back. Aim with care." I sit on the floor of this cave trying to find a way to stuff the bullet back into the barrel. As you've told me many times, "I shall think on it tomorrow."

I must sleep now, I pray I dream of you as I first saw you, happy, idly playing hopscotch in the sunlight.

Tell me Tabitha, are you counting the minutes till we speak again?

With deepest respect and ...

I whisper, "love"

"I am so sorry William. You fucked up."

I return the journal to its sad owner having read every word of a loving friendship destroyed in a heartbeat. I return to the side opening, sit against the wall and think on it.

I sat with sad William through the night, pondering his journal, pondering Princess. When morning came I tested my shoulder and climbed down from the ledge. After all my actions placed me there, it was up to me to get down.

Jem you'll have to get that key yourself, enjoy your climb.

Princess Grace and I have a mighty friendship, mighty like a rose.

billybear

The Journal, written for Princess Grace March 2-3, 2007, while billybear attempts to get his shit together.