TracerBulletBilly Gunplay in the Chat Room!

Please read jems entry on last nights pandemonium here. It's a hoot!

Tracer plops into his chair at his office and immediately shoots right back up. His ass isn't ready for quality chair time yet. He absentmindedly scratches his poison ivy rash and adjusts the ace bandages covering his ribs.

It was a long hard night for Tracer. He pours a stiff shot of bourbon into a dirty glass and lights a cig wondering how this case got so out of control. It's the dame, she set him up and he's gonna find out why.

His Girl Friday limps into the office leaning on a crutch, a cane and shoving a walker in front of her with a folder balanced precariously on the front of it.

"Finally finished the background check on the dame, Tracer. I would have been quicker if you hadn't shot me in the knee last night. That and the fact that my nails are so long I can't type."

"Oh for shits sake Jemmie it was a water pistol for crying out loud! Have you seen the ER bills?" mutters Tracer as he walks over to turtle moving Jemmie and grabs the folder off the walker before it falls on the floor. "Take a seat, at least one of us can sit down!"

Tracer opens the folder, takes a slug of bourbon and lets his mind drift back to that hellish night not even twenty four hours past ...

There had been another Giantess Gretchen sighting and jem and I had raced over to the chatroom to maybe get to the bottom of this case once and for all but we had missed her. However we were in luck because MsTara was there. I quickly read her bio but I was pretty sure she wasn't the Giantess Gretchen incognito, but I had to ask. Practice makes perfect.

I explain what a dick I am to MsTara and She apparently agrees that I make a pretty good one. I bring Her up to speed on the case to date and ask if I can ask Her some questions.

"Oh this should be rich, go ahead."

"MsTara have you ever been 'belted by gamma rays'?"

"Nope."

"Have you ever been on a picnic with your boytoy or a pet and maybe strayed a little too close to an Army nuclear test facility when they set an A-bomb off?"

"I'm not a moron. Of course not."

Sweat breaks out across my forehead. Why is She getting mad? They're simple questions. I notice ace and my Girl Friday edging away, isolating me in Her field of vision.

"Um, didn't mean to infer you were MsTara. Sometimes accidents happen. The Geiger counter is reading effectively zero. I guess You're not the one I'm looking for."

Her rage is mysteriously rising. Ace and jemmie are crouched behind the couch and I start backing away as She advances on me.

"Are you accusing Me of cheating with a married man?! Are you accusing Me of being Giantess Gretchen?"

I ponder asking for a show of hands on the number of married men in the room but decided that might not help matters much. I begin some sort of happy babble that seems to defuse the situation, something about having just cleared Her and that maybe it would be a good idea to move on to another Mistress like maybe MsAlly. I told Her that MsAlly can turn Herself invisible so She might be able to turn Herself into a giant woman too. While I'm spewing this crap out I'm joining jem and ace behind the couch, figuring out of sight out of mind.

MsTara seems willing to let the matter drop until my gal pal Friday jumps up from behind the couch and says, "Here he is MsTara!"

Well I've had enough of Baltar_takenByPrincessGrace at that point. I stand up next to her, bellow out, "YOU FUCKER" and put a round into her knee. Jemmie drops to the floor like a ton of bricks screaming holy hell and I'm utterly mystified. It's a water pistol! Now I don't know how the water in the gun dissolved the cheap assed pantyhose she's wearing where I hit her in the knee but that hardly matters. Jemmie is playing it for all it's worth and the room has gone quiet except for her candy ass moaning.

MsTara erupts, "Tracer that was completely uncalled for!!!"

I start trying to babble out the back story that there was a reason for it. If only MsTara had seen jemmie's behavior on Giantess Island, She would have shot jemmie Herself. She's having none of it. I'm backing rapidly away towards a wall when She does some voodoo Jedi mind-trick thing and suddenly She has my gun leveled on me.

"Tell me the name of the dame!" I note for a hippie chick She's quite adept with a sidearm. As She's asking me this She's reloading the water pistol with some super cheap perfume She got from jemmie's purse.

I draw my other forty-five and level it at a Mistress. Sheesh it's obvious I have completely lost my mind at that point I just didn't know it then, I'm trying to get control of the situation. Ace, my buddy, is asking for a gun. I tell him there's one in my ankle holster while keeping my total attention on MsTara. He grabs it and points it at me.

Super.

Things are getting confusing at this point in time. There's all sorts of babble flowing past me but I'm focused on what MsTara will say next. I do note however that jemmie is doing her best to keep MsTara's focus on me. That's my Gal Friday!

MsTara shoots me. The unspeakable stench of jemmie's perfume fills my nostrils. I briefly consider giving her a raise so that she can afford something better but before I can further pursue these thoughts my Starbuck aspect takes over. I give MsTara "the grin" and shoot Her right in the center of that cute sundress she's wearing with a stream of Evian water.

Deathly quiet fills the chatroom. I instantly realize my mistake. I am so far over the line I just hope to survive the encounter. I drop the gun to the floor.

MsTara is shaking with rage, "I have had quite enough! Tracer get your ass over here!"

"Yes MsTara"

She delivers the butt whopping to me and some other dude who got carried away but I don't know the nature of his crimes. We completely and richly deserve our fate and She tells us to stand in the corner for five minutes. I'm quietly grateful I got off so lightly.

So here I am back in the office reading the dame file and pondering the case. My Gal Friday is suing me. I have a Giant woman and a Mistress fairly irritated at me. I have broken ribs, a hellish case of poison ivy and the aroma of jemmie's perfume to keep me company.

This is when the dame decides to enter the office. She wants an update on how the case is going and has brought another bundle of cash and that fucking dog of hers. I make up my mind then and there.

"You might have mentioned to me that you were a nutjob-fruit-cake before I took this case."

"Why Mr. Bullet whatever do you mean?"

"You're not even married!" I say pointing to the background file.

"I'm not? Oh how silly of me! That's hot! ::giggling:: I hope I haven't caused you too much trouble Mr. Bullet. I would like you to continue with the investigation" and she throws a huge wad of cash on the table.

"Look schweetheart, you might have all the money in the world from your daddy's hotel chain, but you and your sister are a little odd from Tracer's point of view. Get the fuck out of my office. This case is closed!"

She smirks, grabs the cash, making jem cry, and heads to the door with this crappy runway model strut. I quietly pull my real forty-five out of the drawer and shoot her in the back of her knee. I then toss the gun to jem who stupidly catches it, covering it with her finger prints which should motivate her in cleaning up this mess.

"Jem shoot her full of that forget me juice we keep in the fridge, drag her pitiful excuse for an ass to the usual location where that Spears chick hangs out, clean up this mess, take her money and buy some better grade of perfume OK? Oh and feel free to cap that fucking chihuahua if the mood's upon you."

The first case of TracerBulletBilly is now officially closed!

So if you're looking for a dick, I'm for hire but nothing to do with the Mistresses, they're too much for Tracer to handle!