The Maltese Beaver

"OK let me get this straight Friday, you heard nothing, saw nothing, and said nothing? Kind of like those monkey chicks?"

"Well I might have screamed a little."

"So you looked more like the chick on the right but with smaller boobs?"

"Bite me Tracer"

"I'm trying to get a handle on this, because it's utterly bizarre. You hop into some dude's car and wake up, semi-catatonic, naked in a park with a waxed beaver. All you dimly recall is some horrible monotone blasting in your ears and the faint stench of sulfur. Anything else?"

"Well I think I heard him shriek 'Shit'"

"Could it have been 'ship'?"

"Why?"

"Was just wondering if the British Royal Navy was in port."

Friday bursts into tears, "Goddamn it Tracer! This really happened! You have no idea how important that bush was to me! The Scott's Bush Be Large I use to spread on it every night ... the Afro Sheen ... It was the very source of my femininity and now it's gone."

Friday continues sobbing in a way jem never will.

"What do you want me to do about it Friday? The silly thing will grow back!"

"My breathtaking bush will never be the same, it will come in all patchy now!"

"Breathtaking? How many guys did you kill with the thing anyway?"

"Seven"

"Oh, so anyway I bet it would grow in faster if you would quit rubbing it all the time during your phone calls with MsGrace."

"Now all I have is bare skin... nice smooth bare skin.... and it feels so... nice. Especially when I lightly rub my fingers over it.... and I feel... mmmmmm.... so much nice sensation there now... mmmmmmm.... I want to just....."

"Yeah, I can hear ya you know! You should build your own wanker room for crying out loud! Still I would imagine that bush must have felt like a cock cage at times, it must be oh-so-nice to really, I mean really feel when you touch!"

"Oh it does Tracer! You should ask MsGrace to rip your pubes out sometime!"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I imagine she'll make me grab a razor next time I call her along with some bikini wax should she ever hear about this. And I still have the gun Friday so shut up about that idea!"

"OK but Tracer I want this madman brought to justice before he makes another woman look like a twelve year old! This is just the sort of thing that lbb would do, that panty thief!"

Tracer starts coughing and sputtering up the shot of whiskey, "Um yeah, he should be considered but he seems to have vanished like ace."

"Our two best suspects!"

"They are quite pervy, almost legendary."

"What should we do then Tracer?"

"OK, I have an appointment at Madam Zelda's World of Sin tonight cause of that um 'case' I'm on so I need you to go to this Midnight Madness thing I've been hearing about and drop something really heavy on bankyboo's foot, like an anvil or something."

"Why?!"

"So you can hear him scream "Shit!" and maybe make him!"

"An anvil? Those are really heavy!"

"What's your point? Anyway I'll be "gunning" for him at TeaseTime if it turns out he's the one."