TracerBulletBilly: Enigmace!!!

Thanks to jem for helping me write it. Thanks to ace for letting me publish it!

"What do you know about this 'ace' Friday? Why are we annoying him?"

Friday hands Tracer the folder on ace, "Well he apparently has a thing for panties. Not sure what about them exactly he seems to be a secretive sort. Has several aliases too, 'ace' 'aceinator' 'enigmace'. I think he sounds pretty suspicious!"

"I'll do the thinking here Friday, you're just a broad. Hmmmm .... secretive about the panties eh? Goes under lots of different names ... That's the worst kind of pervert! Who knows what dark depravities are being performed with Grace's panties even as we speak! OK let's get out to his house and get to the bottom of this."

As they trudge up the hill to ace's mansion they notice off to the left a building that appears to be a shrine of some sort. The mansion is dark but the shrine is well lit. From their hiding place behind a large fountain in the middle of the impeccably manicured lawn, Tracer and Friday can make out movement behind the drapes. Faint chanting can be heard.

"Jesus Friday! I bet that's a panty shrine! It looks just like an Aztec one I saw on Cartoon Network once!"

"Aztecs wore panties?"

Tracer stares condescendingly at Friday, "Yeah, once the men started wearing the frilly things it doomed their civilization! Everybody knows that ... sheesh! You should watch more TV, it's educational!"

Friday ponders this, "Well at St. Mary's School for Wayward Subbies they didn't mention anything about Aztecs dying out from panties ..."

"Friday, will you look at that pink neon sign! 'Kate Rules the World' 'Kate' is the ancient Aztec word for panties! It's pronounced Kaaa-taaaay. Oh, I think we've found our man! Listen you scurry over to the window and I'll scamper right behind you. We've got to get a look at what's going in inside!"

"I scurried last time, I want to scamper!"

"Oh for shits sake, OK, you scurry and I'll scamper - fine!"

"OK, but let's hurry. This spray is making my hair frizz up!"

Friday reaches the window before realizing she's been tricked. They both carefully peek over the window sill. Inside, standing in a large, candle lit pentagram is a hooded man in red robes. In his outstretched left arm he's holding a chicken by its neck. In his right hand he's holding a flogger, before him is a man sized bishop chess piece. He's chanting something over and over again.

Friday whispers, "Is he choking that chicken?!"

Tracer whispers back, "Is he flogging that bishop?! Why is he chanting 'more free minutes' over and over again?"

Mystified they walk over and pound on the door. They hear a bunch of furtive scrambling and muttered 'shits' before the door opens. A skinny man with his hair parted down the middle and a pencil thin mustache opens the door. He's wearing a tiger skin smoking jacket over his red robes and holding an unlit pipe. He says, "Listen you Girl Scout bitches I've purchased enough thin mints to last a life time! Quit feeding off my weaknesses ... Oh! May I help you?"

Tracer shoves a gat into his belly and pushes him into the room, "Where are MsGrace's panties you weird Aztec panty man??!!! " Tracer looks down, making sure he actually has a roscoe this time, "Cough them up ace or I spurt lead!!!" Before Tracer can react ace delivers a roundhouse of a punch knocking Tracer to the floor. The gun skitters across the floor coming to rest near a statue of a long haired, long legged, slender brunette.

"Friday!!! Cover him!!!"

Friday looks panicked, her cell phone pressed to her ear, her other hand is rubbing her inner thigh, "I got the answering machine again Tracer ... OH!!!" She frantically reaches for the derringer in her bra. As she pulls the gun out two large falsies fall to the floor, bouncing around like super-balls adding to the confusion.

"Oh My God!!! My cheaters!!!" wails Friday as she drops the gun and scrambles after the elusive cheaters. "I am soooo embarrassed!"

Ace strolls over and picks up both guns, pointing one at each dick, "Acerrific! Now would you tell me what is going on or shall I start 'spurting lead' Mr. Bullet? No, no, no Tracer, no reaching for the ankle holster."

Tracer glares balefully at ace, "You know what's going on you panty thieving pervert! You lustful worshiper of Kaaa-taaaay! What dark obsession drove you to this hateful crime?!"

"I am not a panty thief! I have never stolen panties!"

"Have too"

"Have not"

"Too"

"Not!"

Fed up Friday interjects, "Then why these panty posts in your blog? This worship of Kaaa-taaaay? This choking of chickens and flogging of bishops?" She hears Tracer mutter softly, "too!" and glares him into silence.

Ace is stymied, "What is Kaaa-taaaay, some sort of cookie? I think I would have heard of it if so! And my chicken choking, bishop flogging ways are none of your business!"

Friday grabs the last quivering cheater and corrals it back in her bra, "Oh please, ace we're right in the middle of a Kaaa-taaaay shrine! Do you think we're idiots? What do you do with the panties? You a sniffer? A licker? A belly button picker?"

"Belly button picker?," Ace reddens and points the forty-five at Friday's knee, "I believe you're aware of what happens next if you don't shut up. This isn't a Kaaa-taaaay shrine whatever the heck that is. This is my shrine to Kate!"

Tracer is getting to his feet, "Kate? Like rhymes with gate?"

"Yes you dolt, She is my Mistress"

Both Friday and Tracer look at each other and start giggling. Oh, another one of those guys.

Chuckling, Tracer says, "So you didn't steal Grace's panties? You spend your time worshiping Kate?"

"No I didn't steal Grace's panties and this shrine speaks for itself!"

"So ... Her panties aren't good enough for you, is that it? Too 'plain jane'? What, you don't like Grace's panties? Not soft enough for you? Not girlie enough?"

In a blind rage, moving with incredible speed, Tracer delivers a perfect wheel kick knocking ace's feet out from under him. Before ace can recover Tracer is on him with the forty-five shoved under ace's chin.

"You better start telling me how much you dreamed about the soft caress of Grace's panties God damn it! Even though you you didn't steal them, you better tell me how you really really wish you had, how much you need them, need Her! Want Her! You better ..."

"Tracer!"

"Shut up Friday, I'm working here! You better apologize to Grace's panties right now, tell them how sorry you are that you didn't steal them ... you better beg for their forgiv..."

"TRACER!"

"What?!! Oh, um, yeah ..." Looking embarrassed and confused Tracer helps ace to his feet while tossing Friday her derringer, "Sorry about that ace, but they're really nice panties! Soft and girlie. Guess you're not the panty stealing pervert we thought you were. I hope there are no hard feelings, there was a lot of circumstantial evidence against you."

"I never suspected you for a minute Mr. Ace!" interjects Friday.

Each carrying a box of thin mints they trudge down the hill. Friday keeps glancing nervously at Tracer, finally screws up her nerve and says, "Tracer ... how do you know so much about Grace's panties? All of them were stolen..."

"She might have given me a pair for research purposes ..."

"Great! Where are they? I can run a series of tests in the lab that will help us in identifying the stolen panties, this could be the break we've been waiting for!"

"They're somewhere safe, I keep them ... handy."

Friday stops dead in her tracks, "Oh my god ... are you wearing them??!!"

"Grace said I should do that, said it would help me get into the mind of the fiend, understand his reasons for wearing them, she was explianing this to me when I last saw her. I seemed to have blacked out and when I came to, well I had them on! Kind of like those marks you get that you can't explain ... there's only one problem ..."

Friday is doubled over with laughter, "Oh what is that you he-man dick?"

"I don't want to take them off ... ever"

Gales of laughter echo through the wooded part of ace's estate, cut short by a single gunshot.

"Mother fucker Tracer, that really hurt!"