Transmorgifier Help Desk ...

The following calls were logged at the transmorgifier help desk of billybear labs starting at 1:10AM on the 25th of April, 2007

A man with a heavily accented Indian accent answers, "Help desk, Hridayesh Vikramendra speaking, how may I assist you Mr. Mansion?"

"Mr. Mansion?"

"Yes our caller ID indicates this call is coming from Ace Mansion. I just assumed you were a transmorgified house having difficulties settling. My most humble and forlorn apologies if I was mistaken!"

garbled muttering - click - the line goes dead

"Help desk, Hridayesh Vikramendra speaking, how may I assist you Blocked Caller Person?"

"um yeah, I'm not the guy who just called. Oh! The caller ID is blocked, silly me! My name is Ace ... er .. manga ... kate ... mon ... mon, yeah ..."

"Mr. Acermangakatemonmon, such negative thoughts never crossed my mind sir! You Americans all sound the same to me anyway."

"Well I have a hypothetical question or two ... let's just say, for the sake of argument, that someone, you know like my cousin Jimmy, cloned them-self and shoved the clone into a transmorgifier and turned it into well, a care bear tiger. There wouldn't be any um side effects would there?"

"The subject was wearing an avocado helmet of course, hypothetically speaking"

"No"

Sputtering, "Dear sweet Vishnu please tell me the subject was coated in transmorgifier solution!"

"No"

"Then Mr. Acermangakatemonmon the harmonic dissonance in the s-band endoentropic shells will set up a Ribbontrop effect. It's quite irreversible. Your cousin will eventually become a tiger care bear! We must all thank whatever gods we worship that this is a hypothetical case!"

"Yeah ..."

"Why are you crying?!"

"From relief that this is a hypothetical case."

The sound of thwipp thwipp thwipp comes from the phone.

"Mr. Acermangakatemonmon, what is that noise?"

"I'm just licking my paws, er, my hands! Everybody does it!!!"

"I assure you Mr. Acermangakatemonmon I do not!"

"So there's nothing that can be done?"

"Well there's a maintenance drug recently developed by billybear labs that will at least halt the process. Unfortunately you will have to take it for the rest of your life or until a cure is found."

Mr. Acermangakatemonmon's voice fills with hope, "There is?! What's it called?"

"Oh Mr. Acermangakatemonmon it's quite expensive and not covered by any insurance plan since it's experimental. It's called 'Kaballowmittenithiazone'"

"Kaballowmittenithiazone? Can you spell it?"

"Mr. Acermangakatemonmon I hold seven Phds and two masters, I most assuredly assure you that I can spell it! You offend me sir!"

"No offense, please, can you spell it for me because I can not."

"Oh, of course. 'K' as in pillow"

A ten second pause is noted on the tape.

"There is no 'K' in pillow!!!!"

"Can you speak Rajasthani Mr. Acermangakatemonmon? Because I simply must state in the most simple way that there is a 'K' in pillow in Rajasthani!!! It would be simpler if you went to the billybear labs URL for the spelling."

"OK, I'll do that. Can you tell me anything more about Kaballowmittenithiazone?"

"It's a suppository in the shape of an aneros. Mr. billybear was most adamant about that as the delivery mechanism for the precious Kaballowmittenithiazone. It's to be taken only when engaged in conversation with one's Mistress. You do have a Mistress don't you Mr. Acermangakatemonmon?"

"You bet I do!!! So how do I get this Kaballowmittenithiazone? Cost is no problem!"

"You can not get Kaballowmittenithiazone, all production of this precious drug has ceased I'm most humbly sorry to inform you."

"WHAT??!!!"

"Oh yes, you see kaballow can only be extracted from a gland in Mr. billybear's imaginary kitten, Mittens. To date all attempts to synthesize this drug have failed. Unfortunately certain nameless scoundrels have introduced proposition CFE-CB3000 which eliminates all research on imaginary cats. Your hypothetical cousin is stuck I'm afraid and will slowly turn into a tiger care bear. Who would propose such monstrous legislation Mr. Acermangakatemonmon?"

Coughing, "I have no idea!"

"Is there anything else I can help you with Mr. Acermangakatemonmon?"

"Would having the overwhelming taste of Bisquick powder in their mouth be an indicator of harmonic dissonance?"

"Mr. Acermangakatemonmon, this is not a phone-sex line. If you like having the overwhelming taste of Bisquick powder in your mouth that is no business of mine sir! Thank you and good day sir!!!"

[call terminated by Mr. Vikramendra]