Something's Should NOT Be Tried

Well Princess is probably gonna burn herself out and we're worried. Three posts in three days and this following a blackout that can only be described as hellish! You could see her limber up, crack her neck and place her ire upon her kidnapper, the evil bogart pantysue on Friday. Then three rapid fire posts on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

Well today's post was certainly kind of her! She's having her birthday party during TeaseTime tonight (10 PM Eastern - main chatroom) and she's invited all of us, yes even the staff of The Assassin - but come anyway OK and drink a lot and speak freely in front of us!

The real Anniversary of Her Birthday is this Saturday so there's still time to get her a gift off of her wishlist and bring a smile to her face!

And now after so many posts, look at her.

She's covered in sweat, her tight pink 'wife beater' pressed firmly against her taut breasts, pert nipples poking through (she refused to wear a bra - "Too constricting BillyBear!"). Her 'Hello Kitty' short shorts cupping that incredible butt but we're most concerned about the shoes. If anything brings her down it will be the shoes (and the fact that she's a bit out of blogging shape).

Lucky (more on him later) bought them for her and she refuses to take them off! If that isn't wuv we don't know what is, but it's insane to blog in those things! INSANE!

We had to cut her gloves off, her hands so swollen from pounding the keyboard. She's putting on a brave face but she needs to slow down.

Well they're getting ready for the next day's round. She's rinsing out her mouth, spitting blood and water into the bucket, inserts the mouthpiece, smacks her gloves together.

DING-DING-DING

For crying out loud PACE yourself Princess!

Lucky's New Look - The Look of Secret Lust

Well we're pretty relieved that we took a pic of lucky's blog a few days ago because now it's changed. The new look is a top secret folder left out for casual perusal, which is lucky in a nutshell. With his addition of "Wank Pic of the Moment" I can't say the blog is exactly work friendly unless you're a boot selling gynecologist but then again it has always been a real crap shoot popping into his blog during business hours. His mentos video still haunts my dreams.

Lucky recently posted about his call with Princess, proclaiming the drought is over. Well for some anyway. Princess puts lucky dangerously through his paces. He's on record bemoaning his control issues of late and working him up in a hardware store is pure Princess. Then he played with her in the chatroom and bought her some shoes (look up) and because he IS a bastard ended the post with "The actual call will be recounted in the next blog entry......."

Dick.

MsTara's Terrible Date!

MsTara's string of bad luck continues. She must have had a really crappy date because now she's moonlighting as penis inspector with the few remaining days of her unholy vampire life rapidly coming to a close. It's pure MsTara, goofy and fun. Check it out but you might want to steel yourself for the final paragraph after, "I hope your balls are the same color after a while, because soon every woman in the city will know better than to give you even the hope of a fuck!! So long, shortie!!"

She falls on teddy two inch with such graphic vampire fury that you'd think you were in a Sam Peckinpah movie. She rips open his neck spraying her two female minions with bright arterial blood before battening on and draining him dry while he bleats for his pathetic life. Picking up the bloodless corpse she hurls it over the bar having it crash into bottles of Glenfiddich and Jack Daniels before wheeling back on the horrified crowd of onlookers, blood running down her chin and screaming, "Oh that was fine! THAT WAS DAMN FINE!!!" in a Demi Moore type voice.

Frankly we were surprised that she included this paragraph, up till now she's been denying being a card carrying member of the undead. It must be a cry for help or bragging, could be both. I can never figure out what vampires think.

She closes with, "Coming soon to YOUR local bar:)" Not if we can help it MsTara, not if we can help it poor damned creature of the night!

pantysue Apologizes for her MONSTROUS CRIMES!

Sounding a lot like an Obama flack discussing reverend Wright pantysue issued an apology in her blog today. Go ahead and read it, we'll wait.

idly whistles, looks at watch

Done? Goody!

We didn't find it sincere either. We've already contacted various agencies like Amnesty International, Greenpeace and a whole bunch more with aggressive fund raising campaigns and got pantysue firmly locked into their mailing lists. Lifetime.

But what stung, what cut us to the quick was her line, "Jem and Lucky... i can certainly understand if you never speak to me again!" No BillyBear? Whatever have I done to deserve such pointed exclusion?

We're also struggling with the pantysue over Princess's knee picture. Pssssst Princess we don't think pantysue is really suffering there - in fact we think she's enjoying it.

Maybe a small token of atonement will help with Princess pantysue - anyway it's the Anniversary of Her Birthday. Can't hurt.

Extreme Perversion

In my quest (we should all have quests - this statement brought to you by Don Quixote) to get pantysue in trouble and keep Princess firmly focused on her so she doesn't notice when I screw up and I will screw up - soon. I can feel it!!! shudders I tend to peruse the various blogs around LDW. Looking for well I don't know what I'm looking for. Great. Maybe the "Dulcinea" of blog posts? Will somebody tell me what I'm looking for? I feel like a dog that just entered a room fand can't remember why.

Now jem's no piker when it comes to cage work and in a brief moment of clarity (don't worry it will pass, it will pass) I find it difficult to to even scoff at pantysue's personal best of what? I want to say an hour but it was probably longer, an hour and a half? That might have been lucky's record shrugs.

Anyway we all have our little areas of the sandbox where we dabble and one little corner is occupied by the Dicktator's Chasity Slave. Now this guy is extreme - so extreme in fact I think we should form a team and rescue him from himself! Jem - get the dynamite! Lucky toss me that AK47! Somethings go beyond ....

OOWWWWWWWWWW AARGGHHHH

Get her off of me!!!

ARRRGHHHHHH

GET HER OFF OF ME!!!

Not the face! Oh DEAR GOD not the face ooowwwwwwwwwww

God DAMMIT that hurt! Mittens what has gotten into you?! Have you been in the meth again? Sheesh!

Oh I was NOT taking myself too seriously!

ME?! REALLY?!

Let me scroll up... I was starting to get a little serious there wasn't I? OK then!

So I don't know if you caught chaste's stint in the chatroom awhile back but apparently MsCassandra and he are embarking on some three program thing. First something involving the latest and greatest in male chastity devices The Exobelt.

Jumps back as a stampede of Mistresses fall on the URL like, well, like... um... there was a sale at the shoe store? No? Like stern rose pedals? Both feminine and commanding - OK?!.

Next chaste has to chain himself to a radiator or something and be under continuous video surveillance - I wonder if that webcam addy will be posted? We could help keep an eye on the little miscreant.

And then some sort of thing that involves contracts which always gets me nervous. This one kicks off in August, I guess chaste has to do some sort of training beforehand which might even involve the hated sit ups.

Chaste seems to be having fun and I will most probably be reading all about it with that stupid, jaw dropped look on my face as I learn about his latest antics in his blog.

Recently on the Playground

Well Princess's blog informs me that there are about TWO SHOPPING DAYS LEFT before her birthday! You best bust ass over to her wishlist and get that pretty lady something nice! You know you want to.

MsGrace is apparently winning her battle with FHT (Forgot How to Type) and posted yesterday. What caught my eye was, "I even spent some fun time in the free erotic chatroom on Saturday night, knowing I had My lucky pet who never gets to play in there around." Filling me with jealous rage. Mittens shall suffer mightily, rest assured.

Now Princess likes to pace her blog posts (or so I thought - she also posted today but AGAIN we'll deal with that tomorrow) although I think we can all agree that 58.516 days between posts is - oh - a tad - excessive! Me? I think I sit on the other side of the teeter-totter preferring the "spray and pray" technique of bukakke posting. Sooner or later something will stick. Anyway we at The Assassin are heartened by this second (now third - all this extra work is making me GRUMPY!) post and hope Princess will hit her stride of two to three posts a week without stumbling!

Have we recently mentioned how deeply sorrowed we were to learn that pantysue is making a power play for lucky bastard?

TeaseTime roulette is fast approaching! Which will it be? The delightful chatroom or the despised provakatalk? Will Princess be there or have a FHT relapse? Time will tell.

May I Cum? NO! No no no!!! NOW THAT'S JUST GROSS!

Have you guys ever messed around with this site? Its full title is May I Cum? Orgasm Denial and Cum Denial, a bit wordy but I guess it probably avoids lawsuits. I use to go there and yank on the old wookie like some demented slot machine arm hoping for three bars but it was always, "No!" "Are you KIDDING Me?" "Not this time!" etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Shockingly even Princess Grace would have none of it! "No cummies for youuuuuuu"

Well eventually the sites galling negativity got to me and I quit going (I have enough problems - thank you) but I was wondering has any Mistress ever said "Yes!"?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCESS GRACE!!!!

Just wanted to cover my ass in case I over sleep or pantysue, or MsTara (now there's a growing list - super!) manages to kill me. Yellow journalism is HARD and no I'm not talking about peeing so move along, go on shoo pee people nothing to see here!

PantySue says BRING IT!

Well spring is in the air I guess and everyone is feeling their oats! (Ewwwwwww!) Keeping to our promise of helping pantysue dig her own grave and egg Princess on while doing so we went looking for trouble, guess what? We found it!

In a fit of mongoloid reasoning pantysue bitch slapped (OW!) Princess Grace with the following challenge in the comment section of Princess's very own blog:

I haven't seen such a monumental gaffe since I issued my public challenge to MsGrace back in 2006. A mistake I'm dying to repeat! I immediately posted a cautionary comment but Princess might not publish it (just checked - she did - thank you Princess! See how compassionate Princess can be pantysue? If you would just confess to having done "it" well "it" doesn't matter now anyway - you snooze she looses... the keys), she might not want poor, poor pantysue warned! In all honesty, I think it's too late. Princess was already threatening to loose pantysue's keys but I would like to gently remind Princess that MsTara is constantly looking for new earrings, or perhaps Princess would like to have pantysue pay to have them made into earrings for MsGrace herself? MsGrace can then wear them at TeaseTime to remind pantysue of her foolishness!

The arrogance in that comment is simply stunning, isn't it? First pantysue confesses to a rather serious felony thinking Princess is above blackmail one supposes, although we at The Assassin doubt this confession, actually ferreting out the truth would involve work, which we abhor. Case closed! Pantysue is the sole cause of everyone's suffering while she bogarted MsGrace for close to sixty days - she said so! (pssst GothGirl take ps off the Christmas card list until Princess has her adequately atone - she'll let us know).

Next pantysue casually tosses out a heads up to jemmie. Hey jem I'm gonna kick your ass in the caged department, all I'm waiting for is the go ahead from MsGrace, ho-hum, twiddles thumbs.

Stares at MsGrace, can't hold eye contact, looks down, gathers resolve stares at MsGrace.

Well Princess? Are you gonna issue that go ahead? Sounds like pantysue is waiting on youuuu!

Jem's record (one I doubt she's looking forward to breaking, much less nearing ever again, is in the neighborhood of seventy days, we don't have the actual number because looking it up would require work - GROAN!). Her latest stint was sixty-six days.

Now I know from Princess's post she's planning on tormenting pantysue for a week or so and even though everyone knows that she can make a week of tormenting seem like a month, well that's only thirty days isn't it? And those are simulated, not actual. Well I'm something of a purest when it comes to these record things. If pantysue is ready to actually beat jemmie's record, well then let's see! I'll bring the popcorn! You go pantysue!!!

In other pantysue related news: She issued a rather ominous statement in her blog, "i know that Princess is still taking care of some things and won’t be able to be back fully to Her royal Princessness for a while..." Uh, pantysue, what's 'a while' mean in terms of days? Hopefully a number lower than you'll be in that cage! As we near publication time we see that Princess has posted again and pantysue has officially pronounced MsGrace as back. We'll deal with that tomorrow, maybe, if you know we're in the mood.

MsTara Flees From Being Staked, the Pansy!: In her latest blog post MsTara suddenly brings up from out of the blue the fact that she's "departing on my much anticipated and needed vacation." Mmhmm. She also makes a plea for some reading material or gift cards to buy reading material because her time is nigh upon. Really, get her a book on CD or something, we'd hate for her to nod off behind the wheel before we had a chance to stake her undead butt! She's so demur that she didn't provide a link to her wishlist (actually she did but her sidebar is below her text in Firefox - we were scrolling down looking for her coffin or lair) so we actually looked it up, hopefully she'll scream with terror even louder in gratitude when she's finally brought down!

Her post touches briefly on Cinco De Mayo which, as everyone knows, is the Vampire holiday of drunken topless blood feasting (we didn't even bother googling it, we just knew - it's uncanny). Best I can tell it's kind of their Spring Break. We considered sparing her undead life when she confessed, "Give me a ice cold Rolling Rock and a shot of Absolut Citron any day of the week. And, mmmm, some Chinese BBQ Ribs, because they taste really good with Rolling Rock." Because how cool is that? Then we realized she wouldn't share and we got kinda bitter about it. But the final straw (at least for today) came when we read, "I ask you to bear with me as I get used to working my new overnight schedule... [snip] Otherwise the night shift has been very interesting." Sure, feasting off the innocent blood of virgins during Cinco Pass De Mayo or whatever you topless vampire folk call it has got to be interesting. We look forward to her final gasp of thanks when we drive the last of the tiny wooden skewers off the Chinese appetizer tray into her quaking heart ending her lonely life of vamperic damnation! We know she wants us to stop this terrible existence she now leads of making men into her mindless minions. That must suck! Er, sorry MsTara, didn't mean to pointy teeth er, nothing.

What's the Haps?

Lucky's Blog has recently under gone a new makeover and looks all dashing and formal and crap. Check it out:


I'll be brutally honest here (and try not to pull a muscle doing so) - I dig the look, it's elegant and refined! But of course it's not the look for me. I stare deeply into it's earthy browns, quill pen and balanced look and figure my comments just aren't good enough. I left one - we'll see if it's deemed worthy. Oddly the 'look' makes me want to write as if I'm in a Dickens novel or something:

Monday, May 5th in the Year of Our Lord 2008

My Dearest Princess,

Tis with the heaviest of hearts I feel I must confess my sins to Thee. I sat at my desk idly dreaming of Thy flaxen hair, Thy most beautiful eyes whose moonlit orbs have cost so many men their very souls and Thy heaving bosom. I began to manhandle my manly member into its full fury having done so many of times only to leave him frustrated and weeping for Thy kind permission and most gentle of affirming giggles. When who should burst into my office but that blithering ass Cratchit and his mewling son Tiny Tim! I in my wantonness, lust and all consuming desire having completely forgotten it was bring your child to work day...

Anyway read lucky's blog if you want the full story but I hope you get the gist of why I feel a bit influenced by lucky's new look. He mentioned in IM he's having issues with my term 'swanky' and isn't certain that the blog will remain in its current state. I only pray that he doesn't end up destroying himself while undergoing these changes. Go ahead and laugh but it's happened before! Be careful lucky!

Over at the playground

We've ingested enough advil and water to counteract the side effects from the Tres Generaciones Anejo experiment to actually read Princess Grace's post and her explanation for her mysterious absence. We're not buying it. PantySue?! Let's ignore the fact that if Princess were even to furrow her brow in pantysue's general direction she'd instantly be on her way home in her new Lexus driven by pantysue in some revealing chauffeur's outfit. Where we're cocking a serious eyebrow is StephMarie leading a search group of crack sissy commandos! I mean REALLY MsGrace, StephMarie??!! - rolling eyes!

Ugh, that was a mistake, now I'm all dizzy and nauseous. Stupid hangover!

Still Princess seems focused on some serious payback on the hapless pantysue. MsGrace seems blithely unconcerned that there be an actual reason for it. She's moody that way and for that we salute her! Since it's not us at The Assassin we plan to egg Princess on at every opportunity! After all if pantysue isn't 'getting it good and hard' one of us innocent lambs would be (nods head towards jem - don't look over here I'm not doin' NUTTIN!).

What? What about her post? Oh yeah! Nope it's obvious the government is buying her silence over the rapidly spreading I Forgot How to Type disease. However even given that we simply must say welcome back, we all hope you don't suffer any relapses. Though FHT (Forgot How to Type) is incurable we at the labs are working towards a cure that doesn't involve messing with the laws of nature, too much. We also hope you'll share when pantysue "snaps like a breadstick" because we all know she so deserves it, whatever 'it' was, yup yup. Oh hush pantysue don't act all innocent with us, we know you did "it"!

A Public Service Announcement (because we have to by Court Order)


Two Calls

jem is quite full of herself, stumbling around in some sort of post Princess call haze. Giving us at The Assassin all sorts of belligerent shit in the comments - it's annoying. To quote Bowie, back when he was relevant, Unwashed and Somewhat Slightly Dazed - that's jemmie! She's rather insufferable about it bragging about all the perversions she performed on poor innocent Angelina Jolie. Check it out and wallow in jealousy!

You Can Run MsTara But You Can NOT Hide!

MsTara sadly remains a vampire, even after several showers trying to 'wash it off.' She's so desperate now she's trying things like 'logic' and 'reason' to avoid her hellish fate. If anyone would be kind enough to give the location to her fiendish lair it would save us all a bunch of grumbling and complaining about trying to find it. If not I'm certain the will be a legendary confrontation between her and billyVanHelsing in the chatroom, of which only ONE will survive!

With Deepest Regrets

Well despite drinking my own weight in Tres Generaciones Anejo Friday night we at BillyBear Labs regretfully inform our gentle readers that I was unable to roll back the space time continuum and make Princess post to her blog. We suspect Princess never will again post and her blog will become a ghost town filled with tumbleweeds like banky's. I'm sorry, I thought it would work, I even ate the worms.

What? She posted? You sure? Well I guess it worked then huh. Actually I was pretty confident it would, it is science after all. I should probably drink more often, for the betterment of man of course.

Breaking News: The Weekly Assassin not acquired by LDW for use as a phone sex site so we're um still here much to the relief of everyone.

Podcast Canceled: My podcast Webkinz, Myth or Reality was not picked up by the networks after I refused to work with Chris Matthews. He's just a dick.

Photo-montage of GothGirl: Taken after I ralphed in the bathtub during the Tres Generaciones Anejo experiment. We don't shy away from showing our readers the darker side of science like they do at lucky's blog. I must have shot these from the bathroom floor, I really can't recall. She said the 'thumbs up' one was after she saw Princess's post.

Prayers and Damnation (58.516)

MsTara's Tragedy

MsTara and I go way back. I keep an eye on her blog and you should too!

Personally I find her blog most fun when she gets in a bit of a dander like in this post, "And I think offering ladies who can discuss humiliation, orgasm denial, and a score of other fetish fantasies with knowledge, understanding and a good sense of humor is VERY positive," and then invites comment. This was after a rather impassioned defense of Seymore Butts. Her blog is quirky and fun.

So we were saddened to learn that she's damned and a member of the undead. As she tearfully writes in her blog, [Now I'm condemned to] "cruising the clubs for a beauty to slake my first Dark Thirst after my vampire lover mesmerized me and made me his Companion of the Night."

Poor thing. We'll tape her horrific screams when we finally trap her and stake her undead ass. So very tragic, but these things happen.

Mittens Undercover

As you know ace reported in his blog "It took much longer than expected, but I finally got us to the first stop on the Kinky Road Trip." The Weekly Assassin is proud to report that ace didn't get lost, mittens did! We drugged ace using the old bait and switch technique at a local Outback Steakhouse and held him in a Bangkok brothel/opium den for over a month (tigers have a 'thing' for being fed opium by hot Asian hookers and so remembers nothing - but we took pictures ace - just in case!) while sweet mittens performed her crafty task of learning more about the enigmatic ace and his new gal pal the mysterious Sassa.

Mittens took her duties quite seriously and like De Niro in Raging Bull added some weight to appear more like a tiger. Deep under cover mittens learned things about ace that will turn your hair white! Read all about it in her upcoming exposé:

Ace, the Tiger, the Legend, the Stroker

mittens - undercover!

Princess Shows Up!

Dropping into her hosted chat a fashionably seven minutes late Princess Grace explained her recent absence with some cock and bull story about being trapped in a attic by a bunch of fans (58.516 days since last post and counting). We at The Assassin remain sceptical and put it to an immediate test, firing off:

MING: ning ning an hoa buitic molly moo moo nagit!

Which is Cantonese for "Ming let us know if you're acting as a stenographer in some manner or it's back to the reeducation camp!"

A little while later Princess was working out on tease me for cash and said, "Oh tease Ming love you looong time you buy off wish list yes big boy? Ming make happy happy gooey gooey!"

We at The Assassin stand firmly behind our house of cards made up story! Princess has lost the ability to type and it might be contagious! We would never induce panic in our readership but has anyone heard from lucky recently? We bet $20 of jem's Princess Dollars (settle down jem, we're good for it) that he has forgotten how to type too!

Check out jem's blog - there might be a Tease Time report there - or not - who knows? Jem has recently spoken with Princess so may be infected. Go lookie. We wont because we don't want to catch it!

The Assassin Welcomes YOU! (57.538)

What is The Weekly Assassin?

Is that a serious question? It's a news paper you dolt! A great man once said, "The truth is out there," and then stumbled around for nine years or so trying to find it. Waaaayyyy too much work for us! We decided that near-truth and flat out fabrication will suit everyone just fine.

Near-truth?

Here's an example. It's been fifty seven point five three eight days since Princess Grace last posted. Not that anyone is counting. That's just math, a fact. Where we come in is WHY hasn't she posted since the dawn of man? Has she lost her battle with the bottle, again?! Been traded into white slavery? Abducted by space aliens? If you think any of those answers are true then you would be WRONG! We at The Assassin know exactly why Princess Grace hasn't posted in fifty seven point five three eight days!

Why hasn't Princess Grace posted in fifty seven point five three eight days?

It's so easy, the answer is staring you right in the face! All we did was fire up Yahoo Messenger and ask her! The answer came back in seconds!

And what was the answer?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Yeah, don't you see! Princess Grace has forgotten how to type! She's incapable of replying!!! She can't IM, she can't post and it's the reason she was a no show at her own hosted chat last week! We've heard rumors that she's flying in an administrative assistant who actually CAN type, goes by the name of 'Ming' whether or not Ming makes it in time for tonight is a real nail-biter but we shall see, oh yes, we shall see!

What?

Exactly! You see the fifty seven point five three eight days since she's posted is truth, the she's forgotten how to type, well who knows? I don't, I just made it up on the spot. Mix the two together and you get a 'near-truth' which is a whole lot easier on everybody then banging on doors and trying to get to the bottom of things and acting like an asshole with a chip on his shoulder on some quest for 'truth' at some press conference.

What is the format of The Assassin?

Well it's not exactly formalized. They'll be stories that GothGirl, mittens and myself dig up filled with near truths and fabrications. Currently we're eying MsTara's blog. We're pretty sure she's using a ghost writer. I mean nobody in this biz is THAT lucid! Something is rotten in the state of Tea Time and we'll get to the bottom of it or pretend to when we get bored with her stonewalling. I'm also thinking of book and movie reviews the kind of fluff that keeps the females reading... how to crochet... you know that kind of crap.

Your slogan No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. Please help stop global whining! are... what?

Well they're bumper stickers and seem to fit the mission of The Assassin. If you don't take things too seriously we wont either and everyone knows what a real issue global whining has become.

GothGirl ponders the Global Whining crises!

Through a Dark Lens Knightly

The Great Spirit speaks, "LittleBigBilly you shall not be President..."

"DARN IT! Well if you say so. Then what shall LittleBigBilly do? Drive the white man from my nomadic lands?"

"No. You must follow the yellow brick road to find your answer!"

billyDorothy and JemJem

BillyBear stirs in his sleep having no idea that he looked that hot in checkerboard.

"And JemJem has to come too?"

"JemJem ALWAYS CUMS!"

So billyDorothy might have skipped down the yellow brick road a bit feeling the cool breeze flow up his ruffled petticoat and JemJem might have peed on a lot of things but eventually they came to a fearsome knight blocking their way. His eyes glowed red with evil and he clutched a blue dolphin in his arms. His voice oozing menace he says:

Bring me ... a shrubbery or Flipper dies!!!

BillyBear's eyes blink open in the cool morning light. He dons his ace industries t-shirt, grabs a pair of Princess Grace boxers, puts on his 'lucky pet' boot slippers, his jemjem robe, and MsTara casual jammy pants. Sweating, he looks at himself in the mirror, groans, takes all that stuff off, pulls on some shorts and heads down the hall scratching his nuts to the sound of coffee brewing. GothGirl is there wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of winnie the pooh panties. She smiles at him in greeting, handing him a steaming mug of joe.

"Morning!"

"Had a dream."

"Was I in it?"

"No."

GothGirl pouts at this news.

"I was told by the Oz Great Spirit Knight to try a new direction... maybe or he's gonna kill a fish I think. It was rather cryptic but I think I got the gist of it. Could have been the Chantix though - that stuff can give you some seriously interesting dreams."

"Am I coming along on this great adventure of yours?"

"I'd like that."

GothGirl surprises him utterly by kissing him full on the lips and whispering, "goodie."

Blog changes coming soon :-)

How We Saved Ace's Plants

After barely saving ace's plants, now comfortably stored in cryogenic vats, having escaped the numerous booby traps, land mines and that damned Sphinx with it's stupid riddles BillyBear's head hits his pillow with a thud. What is it with ace and those darned houseplants? He idly wonders, you'd think they were family for crying out loud!

He found jem suspended upside down over a pit of ravenous alligators, water bottle in one hand, water spritzer in the other, righteously pissed. Ace's plants were near death and after killing, cooking and feeding an alligator to jem (its alligator tag read 'Spunky') since she'd been hanging up there for a good week or so they decided the best course of action was to get the plants into a safer environment.

Cut, frozen and stored the plants now safe Billy called in air strike to carpet bomb the mansion and surrounding area.

"Look the place is a hazard just bomb the crap out of it would ya? I'd tell you to nuke it but there's a school right next to it and we don't want a bunch of guff from pissed off soccer moms about their little darlings being unable to sleep because they glow. What? WHAT?! No I'm NOT The Commander in Chief, what's that got to do with anything? I will be come January let me tell ya and I pay taxes just like the rest of you jerks and I demand as my God given right as an American to be able to carpet bomb anything my heart desires! It's in the constitution! Oh Fine, I said FINE DAMMIT and you are so fired once I get elected!"

Peeved jem and Billy bought an Agent Orange bomb from that crazy vet who lives down the street and rolled it into ace's botanical garden then shot at it with forty-fives until it went off. Problem solved.

Exhausted, Billy begins to dream...

He steps out of his tepee and gazes out at the frozen plains of Montana. The coyotes and rabbits whisper their knowledge in his ear, he's one with the land. His wife, Fuck Your Own Fist, stands at the entrance of the tepee filled with foreboding.

The Great Spirit speaks, "LittleBigBilly you shall not be President..."

LittleBigBilly

This Summer!!!

A bear too pushy.

A telekinetic Princess pushed too FAR!

Coming this summer, a cinematic masterpiece that only the genius that IS BillyBear could bring you. The horrific tale of lust and desire crossed with taking "Is this bugging you? I'm not touching you"

ONE
STEP
TOO
FAR!!!

See Princess Grace in her Oscar worthy role ...

THE FURY!!!

Showdown in Philly!

A new candidate entered the ring in a last minute effort to win the Democratic National Convention crashing last night's debate and stunning both Clinton and current front runner Obama.

Mostly he remained quiet, just staring into the camera (see picture) while the two candidates tore into each other like rabid dogs. When asked later he said, "Well I got stage fright! Who knew? And the camera girl was wearing a cotton diaper with frilly pink rubber panties, no bra and a binky tied around her neck. She was what? 23? That was distracting as all get out let me tell ya. I had to keep an eye on her to see if she was gonna make wee-wee right? I mean you don't see a 23 year old hottie wet her diaper as much as you want to - not even wearing these puppies, 63 year old not so hotties, yeah, all the time." he proudly pats his x-ray goggles, "You would not BELIEVE what passes for underwear in this nation! Next debate I had better not wear my specs. I couldn't, COULD NOT look at either Hillary or Obama, sometimes you just DON'T want to know, ya know?"

Before turning into a member of the legume family and just staring into the camera a brief glimpse of the new candidate's personality could be seen. Running out, flashing his credentials BillyBear said, "Where's my podium? Huh? Why don't I get a podium? I thought you liberals were all about height equality, now I look short! If this hurts my candidacy ..." before staring stupidly into the blinking red light of camera two.

He seemed to break out of his trance twice before resuming his vapid stare, once when Mrs. Clinton was asked about her erroneous statement that she had braved sniper fire during a landing in Bosnia as first lady in 1996, Clinton issued a first-ever public apology for the error.

"What are you apologizing for? I can sooooo identify with that Hillary! I mean you would NOT believe the shit that goes on in my head, it's perfectly normal to make stuff up so you look better! Your only mistake was getting caught! Boy is it embarrassing when THAT happens! What did you think, no one would check? Ask Dan Rather about that!"

The other time was when Obama commented on the “bitter” remark, he said he was attempting to say that because voters feel ignored by government on economic issues, “they end up being much more concerned about votes around things like guns where traditions have been passed on from generation to generation. And those are incredibly important to them.”

"Are you shitting me? How do you get that out of, 'It's not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them, or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.' I'm am so sick and tired of you candidates ducking and weaving on this bullshit. We're not idiots either and this happy crap has got to stop! You hate guns, you loathe religion and by golly you despise farmers living in fly over country who believe in both! Give me a break with this 'attempting to say' stuff. Sheesh! Both of you should grow a pair!"

Both candidates ignored him since his current delegate count is zero.

It's Time for Change!

Within hours he heard the cry, the forlorn cry of a nation, "Will no one lead us back to greatness? Will no one speak for us?"

One bear arose amid the desperate sobs of a lost people tired of effete, rich, spoiled brat cry baby Senators. A simple bear from a poor share cropping family, yes a simple bear with a simple plan.


A BillyBear with a vision!

Whatever you do Don't Get in the Way - Vote BillyBear!

paid for by a secret society of pissed off hippies, MsTara chairmistress.

Pass the Salt was The Wastelands - Revisited

Ever walk into a room where it's a little TOO quiet? I'm beginning to think that's what's going on here. What's going on? The only one saying anything at all that I find interesting at the moment is MsTara. Lucky, jem's, ace's and Princess's blogs have apparently shut down entirely.

I was going to post my deep deep thoughts on the last BSG but what's the point?

I was going to throw this Wastelands thing up as a separate post but I guess I don't want to now.

Did I miss a memo? A fight? This thing has a really weird vibe to it where the dinner conversation consists of "Pass the salt" and "Thank you" while everyone glares at each other over the squash. Does a boil need to be lanced? I don't know but I'll never run out of metaphors or mixing them.

Maybe I'm a dinosaur? And everyone is using wikis and CommunityKink now and the blog is passe and obsolete like fifty year old care bears.

Well I'll continue my self-assumed role as the crazy grandpa Southern families keep locked upstairs muttering to himself - for as long as I can.

::shrug:: If something needs to be said would someone PLEASE say it? LMAO I'd much rather go out with a bang instead of a whimper! Wouldn't you???

Be Well
BillyBear

The Wastelands

About a year ago a bunch of us banded together and rushed off into the desert to have visions - not sure WHO'S idea that was but it seemed like a good idea a the time so uncock that eyebrow. There were four of us, originally five but one couldn't make it and like Stuart Sutcliffe dropped out of that gig but had the good taste of not dying of a brain hemorrhage afterwards.

As always when you're stumbling around the desert, something weird happened. We all began riffing off of each other's posts and something of a tale emerged. I doubt it will ever be duplicated because it was so organic but a lot of people seemed to enjoy it.

Then lucky pet got flaky and blew his blog away and one-fourth of the story was gone. I was getting cranky IMs from folk saying, "I wish lucky hadn't done that." Well lucky did. This is pure conjecture on my part but you know how cross-dressers periodically 'purge' all their stuff in an effort to well, I don't know, update their wardrobes? I think lucky does the same type of thing for whatever reasons motivate him. He's done it twice now and is starting to have its own rhythm. I always get concerned that this might be 'the big one' and he'll be gone gone. I hope that never happens he writes a great blog :-) But like ace says on his blog, "Lucky Bastard - See it while you can!!!"

I was in an IM with Princess awhile back and somehow mentioned this loss to her and she said, "It's probably in google reader." OK, she actually said, "It's probably in goooogle reader." but she drawls in IM - betcha didn't know THAT! She checked and confirmed, so I peeped out mine and yep it was there. In a separate IM I mentioned this to lucky and he gave me permission to put it in my blog. Which I did with hopefully the right comments in the right places appended to each post.

So I present to you and in particular - jem, lucky, and bankyboo, digitally remastered, The Wastelands. Enjoy! :-)

A Pack of Lies

Teenaged Angst Ridden Goth wolverBilly pulls his knees further into his chest and screams. Images swirl in his mind as he slowly rolls on his hands and knees before emitting another scream of agony. He notices V back further away into the shadows, paler than normal. She suddenly turns and is gone.

The images dance and swirl. Corruptrix standing in a pentagram. Poor GothGirl. V quietly watching from the shadows. And mostly the demon, the smirking demon. Wolver's close to vomiting. He looses himself in another scream.

A cold voice comes from the darkness, "Hurts, don't it?"

Corruptrix, that cunt.


He's beginning to reason again. Fiona Apple skips through his head at an oblique angle ...

Heaven help me for the way I am.
Save me from these evil deeds.
Before I get them done.
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand.
But I keep livin this day like
The next will never come.

Another wave of pain ... another scream. Something was wrong ... something was definitely wrong. It's on him now, he's in the full grip of it.

He'd followed Corruptrix's instructions to the letter, dressed in his finest goth outfit (with majestic cape I'll have you know!) he approached the entrance to the abandoned subway tunnel promptly at 11:30. A voice called from the shadows, "Where's your little pal?"

"I don't know. She was upset with me the last time I saw her."

A match flares and wolverBilly can see Corruptrix lighting a bone white candle. She's in a black mini with matching hose and heels. Billy's eyes drift to the anklet she's wearing laced with charms. Frankly she looks hot, then he shudders figuring this is not an ordinary charm bracelet.

Corruptrix bares her teeth in what passes in some cultures as a smile, others' insolence, cocks her head and says, "Follow me."

Wolver follows the flickering light into darkness.

About twenty yards behind him V cautiously peeks around a bush. She sees Wolver heading into the tunnel. Ever since she caught him whacking off she's kept her distance from that sick phreak. She's not sure how she feels about him, she's not sure how she feels about anything! Her mom said it's because she hasn't had enough 'life experience.' Her mom's an asshole but if anyone other than V thought that aloud she'd claw their eyes out. Anyway she planned on loading up on a little life experience tonight! She's quite curious to see what was going to happen next.

Wolver is hurrying to catch up with Corruptrix. He doesn't know how V could have lived down here, alone in the darkness. That's some girl! he thinks to himself. Corruptrix makes a right into a hole carved in the tunnel, right behind her Wolver follows.

V is almost as creeped out as she was when she saw Wolver shoot a wad of cum all over her undies. It's so dark she can't see her hand in front of her face. Suddenly the faint flicker of the candle is gone! V places her hand on the right wall and inches forward.

Wolver has the sense that area he's been lead into is huge. Corruptrix mutters, "Wait here," and heads further into the chamber where she lights a candle on a desk. There's a large open book on the table, she runs her finger down a page muttering, "I'm pretty sure this is it. Stoopid Latin!"

He can hear faint sobbing coming from off to his right. Corruptrix is lighting various candles around the chamber. It's way too huge to fully light but WolverBilly can see a young girl in a cage, tears running down her face. She's nude, well sort of. She has lace gloves on and a cowboy hat. Wolver's never 'gotten' fashion.

"GothGirl?"

"DearBillyPleaseGodHelpMeShePlansToUseMeAsATemporary..."

"Shut your yap!" screams Corruptix, "Or I'll sew BOTH pairs of your lips shut!" GothGirl sits back in the cage, tears running down her face.

Wolver is startled by the sheer vitriol, the blackness of her hatred, "Uh, look, this might not be..."

Corruptrix plucks a tuft of hair from him and lays it before a unlit candle at the point of a pentagram. She then lights the three candles in a counter clockwise manner before placing both her feet at a crossing of the pentagram. She smiles that weird smile of hers and spats, "Oh it is over for you BillyBear!"

Raising her arms in exultation Corruptrix says, "Rhombus!" A shimmery half-bubble of energy encases her, running the circumference of the summoning circle.

Smiling with satisfaction she calls out, "Nikpmalomor, I summon thee in personam."

From the shadows of where she's crouching V watches in fascination as wisps of red smoke slowly congeal into the shape of a man wearing an Armani suit. As this was occurring Corruptrix laughs and says to Wolver, "Immobolis... ium? um Nomovus..oty? SHIT, immobilizeway imhay!"

Wolver is moving across the floor intent on freeing GothGirl when he hears a cultured Irish brogue, "Pig Latin my dear? Really! Allow me." He makes a weird gesture with his hands, whispers something in Latin and suddenly WolverBilly can't move a muscle.

The demon studies Wolver with his goat eyes, the eyeballs entirely black, the horizontal pupils blood red. Then he turns to Corruptrix, a pair of sunglasses appearing in his hand, as he dons them he says in a bright voice, "Edith Wednesday Brookside, why am I here? Have you summoned me to repay your debt?"

Involuntarily Corruptrix touches a circular mark at the base of her neck. It is a 'demon mark' a small circle of raised skin with a slash through it. She's managed to hide it from her Aunt Ava but she knows her aunt would be appalled (if not a little frightened) to learn Corruptrix had been playing with such fires. "Don't fuck with the demons!" she'd bore on and on. Corruptrix knows what she's doing, her skills though unpolished are formidable - she can handle this. This mark she got when she requested help with a spell to make BillyBear's head a bullet magnet was a small price to pay to off that little fucker. Too bad she butchered the Latin invocation making lucky's wrist the magnet. Latin is bullshit!

She addresses the demon in a tone just shy of contempt, "Kill him! Kill him while he dies in terror!" She'll never forgive BillyBear for grounding her.

The demon smiles, "You know that's not possible. The cost is too high. Neca eos omnes, deus suos agnoscet. You have no idea how often I get that one."

"I offer my soul!" says Corruptrix impulsively, not believing she has one.

Nikpmalomor sighs, "Look this creature is packed full of healing factor-x and has an adamantium skeleton to boot. He simply can't be killed. Not in his current state."

"Can that be changed?"

The demon smiles, "That might be arranged but it will cost."

"What?"

"Two demon marks and I'm not taking the imbalance."

Corruptrix laughs, she knows what happens if she gets that third mark, she's read that much of the boring Latin text. The demon will own her and drag her off to eons of servitude as his familiar, "No. One demon mark and she takes the imbalance." Corruptrix nods towards GothGirl.

"If she can't handle the imbalance and dies then you are forfeit."

Corruptrix pauses, almost thinking and then nods, "Fine."

"Then we have a bargain," the demon sweeps low in a bow.

The candles in the pentagram begin going out in a clockwise manner as the spell forms, finally stopping at the twelve o'clock position. Corruptrix smirks and picks up the tuft of hair and says, "We need a focal point on who to cast the spell on," before dropping it on the candle. It briefly flares before going out.

Nikpmalomor makes a weird hand motion, mutters something in Latin of which Wolver could only catch 'locus deperditus' and a bright blue ball of energy forms in his palm. He examines it closely before gently blowing on it.

Unable to move, Wolver watches the ball drift slowly towards him before gently impacting his chest and spreading through his body, slowly sinking in like a root in soil. He feels the immobilization spell lift as one spell is replaced by another. Suddenly the pain is all over him. Falling to the cold floor he starts to scream. GothGirl goes pale and whispers, "Oh God..." before vomiting all over the floor as she begins to take the imbalance.

Corruptrix can't stop laughing. This was better than she could have hoped! She manages to choke it off and in a cold voice taunts the little blue fuck on the floor, "Hurts, don't it?" as he screams again.

She's about to have more fun when she notices the demon pull down his shades and stare questioningly over them with those freaky eyes of his.

"What?!" She snarls.

"Edith Wednesday Brookside, you must complete the spell. It's only partially formed. Say the appropriate phrases."

"Well if it isn't Rest in Pieces BillyBear I don't know what the fuck you're talking about! You say 'em! I ain't got time for that bullshit!"

"I cannot, it's clear in the spell book. You must speak the words." A leather tome forms in Nikpmalomor's hand. He seems distracted, peering off into the shadows muttering, "Things are not as they seem..."

V is frozen. Things are getting way out of hand. Wovler screaming in agony, that poor girl in the cage vomiting between sobs. She's come to the realization that this isn't a parlor game. She sees the demon swing its head her way and inadvertently she locks eyes with it.

She has no defenses. In moments all her secrets, her ugly little secrets are laid bare. Still the demon probes, leave no neuron unturned as they say she hears in her head. She wants to scream, to run, but she can't. This rape must be endured. Tears roll down her face.

Awwww smile sweetie, you know you like it. You've yearned to be understood!

The puppet V smiles. She starts to hear some tune being idly sung in her head.

Getting to know you,
Getting to know all about you.
Getting to like you,
Getting to hope you like me.

Getting to know you,
Putting it my way,
But nicely,
You are precisely,
My cup of tea.

Oh I could so help you with that bitch Stacy Marginelli! I can give you the breasts you desire, the breasts you deserve! You'll be too cool for school! And all you have to do is ask. Just keep in mind that nothings for free... ever!

An image fills Vs head of her being so popular and pretty. The envy of everyone! Why she's even smart without having to crack a book! Her boobs perfectly proportioned and feminine. Not these boy boobs she currently sports. Everything coming to her so easily!

Wouldn't you like that? And the cost, really, so small.

V is sorely tempted. Imagine being the best of the best and never even having to lift a finger for it. What kind of person she'd be... what kind of person... everything gratis, never having to work for it... expecting the constant feeding from the silver spoon... what kind of person...

I'll package it all up and for only two marks my dear. I'll wrap it all up in a nice pack...

"Of lies. It's all lies," she whispers. Her breasts will develop in their own time. She'll work things out with Stacy in her own way. 'The Easy Road' will rob her of... her, her individuality, her potential. She'll become just a spoiled thing. She shudders at the subtlety of it. But she's weakening. She might just say yes to get this THING out of her head.

All of this happens in seconds of real time. Corruptrix is trying to get a better look Wolver's agony. Her foot accidentally touches the outer ring of the summoning circle, breaking it. She cries out in alarm.

The demon cocks his head. You best go now my love, I think things might get a tad ugly for your tastes. Be a dear and scoot along. We'll talk soon V...

V is gone. She's running as fast as she can back out of the tunnel. She hasn't noticed she's lost her sandals, her bare feet slapping against the concrete floor. One thought runs through her head over and over, "It knows my full name!" But she's young. By the morning she'll begin to doubt it even happened. I mean a demon? Come on!

Nikpmalomor is on Corruptrix faster than the eye can follow. He's pinned her against a wall and is holding Latin for Dummies in front of her face. He begins to bitch slap her with the book with rising fury and tempo.

"You simply must learn your manners my dear!"

Blood flows down Corruptrix's chin as the beating continues.

"And you had better master Latin - tools of the trade - DARLING!"

The final blow breaks Corrutrix's nose. Dropping the book Nikpmalomor whispers to himself, "Fuck it." He lifts Corruptrix by her throat his hand tightening. With his other hand he traces a mark at the base of her neck.

Corruptrix starts to cum. The heat inside her building in intensity as waves of orgasm wash over. She's confused, she's being throttled, she's both terrified and turned on. Her broken nose is filling with blood and she can't breath. Things are starting to go dark but she just can't stop cumming!

Nikpmalomor smiles, "My oh my. Who knew my little witchy witch would enjoy her second mark so very much? I was going to rip your fucking throat out you little moron but I think I'll let this run its course instead. I will enjoy carrying you off to hell and having you warm my bed, act as my familiar for a millennium. You best fight it! When you break, and you will break, it will be so much better! I'd kill you now except for your natural talents."

He casually drops her to the floor and starts to pace, "I have no idea what's going to happen to yon bear but let's find out my idiot friend. Do not harm a hair on him, not until we've seen what this malformed spell has done. Agreed?"

Sucking in air, her face covered in blood, Corruptrix nods in agreement.

Nikpmalomor rapidly transforms into a carbon copy of Corruptrix except her jaw is slack, eyes vapid with idiocy, "Well best be get crackin on that there book then!" comes her voice from the lobotomized thing before reverting to the Irish brogue. "Dismiss me. NOW!"

Rubbing her throat Corruptrix croaks, "Go."

The demon is gone.

Wolver can feel the changes running through him. He's helpless before them. He rises to all fours as a particularly nasty wave comes on. Corruptrix staggers to her feet, as she passes him she delivers a savage kick to his head. Blackness.

He awakes to quiet sobbing. The candles have burned down some but not a lot. He has no idea how much time as passed. He staggers to his feet and heads towards the cage containing GothGirl. He extends his claws to cut through the cage. Nothing happens. He peers at his paws, which have a few gray hairs in them. He kneels down and begins working the rope holding the cage closed.

"I'm all ucky," moans GothGirl.

"Nothing a shower wont fix."

"No, I'm dirty. Somethings been done to me."

BillyBear pulls open the cage door and extends his paw.

"I don't fuck old dudes."

"Will you work for one?"

She takes the paw and stands quietly while he drapes the cape over her, "Let's get you home."

He awakens with sunlight streaming through his bedroom window. Groaning he rolls out of bed. He must have pulled every muscle in his body. Ruefully he thinks, "I'm getting old."

He heads into the kitchen and flips on the coffee pot. A roboMittens approaches, its screen reads, "The labs have been completed. Now proceeding with the house."

"How much money do we have left?"

The screen flashes, "$14,738,250.32"

"Well we tore through that twenty billion of ace's didn't we?" chuckles BillyBear. "That must be some lab!"

He goes outside, a team of roboMittens are starting to work on sprucing up the house. He's thinking about ace. He knows that ace would have given him the money, twenty bil was nothing to that guy. But it was so much fun blackmailing him as payback for that 'Save Mittens' campaign he ran awhile back. No one fucks with mittens, ask MsTara.

He misses ace. Ace ran off with Mistress Sassa on some Magical Perversion Trip or something. Billy gets the occasional postcard but he doubts that ace will ever be back. Not like he was anyway. Still it's nice to hear how he's getting on and it's all on him anyway, there's nothing Billy can do about it.

As he stoops to pick up The Daily Assassin a minivan whizzes past.


V? He sees the car turn a corner and catches, "A Proud Parent of a Paradise High Honor Student!" plastered on the back. Nah, it couldn't be.

He unfolds the paper and stares at the headline:

Princess Grace Feared Abducted by Space Aliens!!!
Tracer vows to bring 'the alien scum' down with death ray

Oh boy thinks BillyBear. The last time Tracer got a hold of a death ray... He shudders recalling the screams. Under the fold he notes another story:

Teenage bucktooth runaway claims he's 'Lucky Bastard' demands nickels!

Hmmmmm, seems GothGirl has some work to do on her device. As he passes a roboMittens on the way to the house he says, "Please place all the death rays under level nine security."

He grabs a cup of coffee and sits at the dinette. As he starts reading the paper he reaches for a pack of cigs before remembering he quit. The Chantix seems to be helping, maybe this time it will stick. A quiet knock on the screen door disturbs his ruminations.

"You sure do clean up pretty!" smiles BillyBear as he approaches the door.

GothGirl blushes furiously, "Were you serious about that job or just trying to get in my pants?"

"A little of both."

"Good answer," and she hands him something as he opens the door, "I thought this might help with my interview. Try them on!"

BillyBear stares down at a pair of X-Ray Goggles, "I haven't had a pair of these since I was a kid."

"Would you try them on?!"

He puts them on. GothGirl steps back from the door and strikes a pose, her jeans and t-shirt suddenly gone. She's wearing the cutest pair of pink low-rider panties and matching bra you ever did see. BillyBear feels his wookie start to stir and somewhat reluctantly takes the glasses off. He hands them back to her, "Nice."

"You can keep 'em! They really do work!" she exclaims lifting her top to show him her bra, "See? If you wanna you can twist that little dial on the side and see um everything."

"No thanks. I like a little mystery."

He senses her smile is full of sincerity as she says, "Another good answer. You're batting a thousand mister!"

He holds open the door. A roboMittens approaches. GothGirl studies it intently.

"A cyborg huh? I bet I can make all sorts of improvements to..."

"No."

"No?"

"This little unit has saved my life more times than I can count. It is what it is. I know it freaks a lot of people out but I've always dug it. In my weaker moments I believe it has a soul, I know it thinks."

"A.I. huh? Wow." GothGirl smiles and waves back to roboMittens 'hello.'

"roboMittens take GothGirl..."

"GG ... please."

"Take GG down to the labs and give her a tour."

"Aren't you coming?"

"Nah. Take a gander and if you like what you see then we can discuss the job. I've never had an employee before. I'm just going to sit on the porch and you can decide if you're interested or not. I'm looking for a chief research scientist."

She stares at him, "OK" before following roboMittens towards the back of the house.

BillyBear smiles as he sits on a rocker on the front porch and turns on the radio. He places the x-ray glasses on the top of his head and simply watches the day go by. As the sun climbs higher he moves out onto the stoop. The sun feels good, it feels healing.

The screen door slams and GG comes out wearing a lab coat. Her hair is pulled back in a ponytail and she's wearing a pair of glasses.

BillyBear flips down the x-ray specs, gives a wolf whistle and says, "Looking good!" as he watches her pink pantied butt sashay over to the rocker where he was sitting awhile ago. She grins over her shoulder and flips him the bird.

"I accept."

"Thought you might."

She flips open a laptop and says, "That's an amazing lab! I got to see everything except one area behind a vault. The roboMittens wouldn't let me near it."

"It's where we keep the death rays."

"Oh. What do you want to work on first?"

"We might consider getting lucky out of the jam he's in."

She laughs, "You boys and your dicks. It's like fish in a barrel. WOW! Those roboMittens really know how to spruce up a place!"

BillyBear's thoughts are elsewhere. It's quiet. Too quiet. He'll have to drop by jemmie's later and catch up. He's been gone since November 29th when MsGrace and MsTara (who's changed her URL - the sneak!) put a bullet in his head in a fit of mongoloid reasoning. He knows, even though he continually fights it, that he can't be what he's not. "I yam what I yam said Popeye the sailor man." Yuck, yuck, yuck. He also knows he'll do it again, reengage his personal demon, fight it, lose. Then again, maybe not, maybe he'll win this time. He doesn't really care.

We are what we are, to say anything else would be a pack of lies.

A tune comes on the radio. He instantly recognizes the famous intro, "Turn that up, please!"

He gets excited, dropping the x-ray specs back over his eyes, "GG, go strut up and down the sidewalk!"

"No."

"Please!!!"

"Dork."

He sits back feeling the sun on his face and listens to the music.

Pretty woman, walking down the street
Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet
Pretty woman I don't believe you, you're not the truth
No one could look as good as you
Mercy

finis

Princess Refuses to Cross Union Lines!

Word on Princess's lack of blog entries since March 5th, 2008 began to leak out from behind her castle walls as well placed moles began dishing to your only paper of fact, The Daily Assassin.

A source close to the mysterious Princess said in a wavering falsetto, "Um, yeah, Her Pulitzer winning Fun Sexy Trip! might be it. She's on strike. Someone slipped her a copy of Norma Rae."

"What strike?" asked our intrepid reporter.

"The writers strike."

"The writers strike that ended on February 10th?"

"Yeah."

There's a long pause on the tape before 'the source' (call me 'deep throat' even though I gag) followed up, "We don't know how to tell Her. She can get so cranky about that stuff. I know, YOU tell Her!"

"Fuck that!"

And there you have it. Until someone grows a pair and tells MsGrace that the writers strike is over, her blog embargo will continue!

BSG: He That Believeth In Me

You can get a far better plot summary etc on the Battlestar Wiki.

Some random thoughts.

• This was a building episode, they're laying the groundwork for all that's to come.
• I am SO GLAD Baltar shaved!
• Charles Manson had a cult of hot horny chicks too!
• I hope they tone down some of the Jesus imagery mainly because I find it heavy handed although I'm curious on where they're going with it.
• Kara is not going to ice Roslin. I shrugged over that one.
• This is going to be a 'dark arc' I think. Although this episode had humor in it too mostly around Baltar - the praying Jesus - the 'feeling the Lord.'
• I'm not sure what's up with the Cylons. This is at least the second time they've had the fleet and inexplicably broke off. I hope the writers can explain it. I mean what was their game plan here? "Hey let's attack the humans with overwhelming force, destroy as many of their ships as possible UNTIL Anders flies out and we can give him a case of pink eye!" Stunned silence from the Cylon brainiacs followed by awed applause on that plan!
• OK there are five (the fab five) unknown Cylon models (we the loyal viewers know four of them) but no one in the BSG universe does including the Cylons running the show. Who put them there, in the heart of a Battlestar that was in the process of being retired? Anyway, it seems like a chicken/egg thing.
• I think I saw the Lucy Lawless (number 3 - D'Anna Biers) model nope - I was wrong - it's a number six model called Natalie - in the teaser for next week talking about no longer lobotomizing the raiders and some pissed off Centurions next to her while she threatened the Dean Stockwell (Cavil) model. Hmmm I love that they have their own problems and their own politics.
• Next week's episode Six of One. Princess should like this one - it appears to be a Six episode.
  
• I missed this series and I'm so glad it's back!
  

Well SHIT!

Did you see the Carolina/Kansas game?

Carolina came out and Kansas said, "Have you been looking for this?" and promptly handed my beloved Tarheels their collective ass.

Carolina battled back to four points down and a brief glimmer of hope arose in my broken, shattered heart. But that was the high water mark and you could feel it crest and break along with a lot of dreams.

Kansas came to play, Carolina didn't - pure and simple.

Luck with the Memphis Mutants Kc!

Princess says, "I QUIT! I Want to be a Fifties Housewife!"

Princess Grace shocked the phone-sex industry today, finally coming clean on her 'dark secret.'

"It's true. I am so sick of dominating men and getting paid for it! I mean how much sperm can you spill in one lifetime? A LOT let me tell you!" said a slightly harried Princess Grace frantically dusting her living room before the rest of her guests arrived.

Grace, or Gwacie Wacie to her friends (of which she assured this reporter he was NOT) has spent the last few weeks redoing her image for "my man if I'm lucky enough to land the right one!" She now sports a much shorter hairdo and a total makeover. Fussily adjusting the big white bow on her apron and smoothing the pleats in her skirt she sets a stack of waffles in front of her first arrival, MsTara.

"Waffles are fine for an afternoon get together with the girls aren't they Tara? I'm sorta new to this," asks Princess Grace pensively.

Shoveling in the waffles MsTara replies around mouthfuls, "Waffles are good anytime Gwacie Wacie! These are delightful!"

Giggling Princess turns to the reporter, "There comes a time in a young lady's life where she needs to settle down and start a family. I want kids, a Man and most of all I want to be told what to do!" she suddenly pouts.

"I hear that sister," chimes in MsTara from the couch, "You have no idea how many times I wish some dork in the chatroom would just take me, just bend me over a bench, deliver a savage spanking and take me! I so want to be some Man's bitch!"

"Me too," whispers Princess Grace, "and I want to be made love to missionary style while making a baby. I've always wondered what missionary felt like."

Both girls dab tears from their eyes.

As the rest of her guests started to arrive Grace escorted this reporter to the door. Curtsying she says, "I hope there's a Man out there who will marry me, get me preggers and take care of me. I'll be a good wife, I'll keep a clean house, I promise! Surly there's someone for me, someone to tell me what to do. It's all I've ever really wanted, just someone to tell me what to do..."

In other news LDW announced a new site, "Fifties PhoneSex, you better believe you can shock us!"

The new Princess Grace!