The Wastelands: Night of Debauchery

The first night was pretty easy. We decided not to attempt any visions. The next day was tougher, going weary mile after weary mile up and down the dunes. The heat was incredible, sucking the will to live from us.

Near dusk we reach a good place to camp, near the top of another dune. This time we disperse our tents for privacy so we can worship in the manner of our own perversions. Jem places hers the furthest away since she says she gets a little noisy.

I dump out a bunch of vision enhancers which everyone but Lucky demurely passes on ("no thanks billybear, Electric Pink is more than enough") I ration out the Electric Princess Pink Kool-Aid. I'm a little worried about the kool-aid since we've only got four or so gallons left and at least another two days in the desert. With careful rationing we should be fine.

We each say goodnight and I drag my goodie bag off to my tent. On my way to the tent I pop the three peyote buttons, a little mescaline, swig down about half the bottle of black jack and chase it with my shot of Electric Pink. Just priming the vision pump. I dump a bunch of ether on the towels I put in the tent, zip it up and let it start filling with fumes. I sit outside the tent, light a doob and watch darkness fall across the desert. I pop a big wintergreen Lifesaver into my mouth to clear the palate before biting down watching my mouth light up like the Fourth of July.

Heeeyyyy ... how can I see my own mouth? Cool! Maybe the vision enhancers are taking hold.

Finishing the joint, I smoke a cig for good measure (that monkey is always demanding a meal) before crawling into the either filled tent. It's vision time!

I'm feeling sort of funny, a loss of motor control. Why? Oh yeah the either! It takes about a half hour to get the ear buds in and push the right button on the iPod. I put it on 'random' and finally I lay back listening to Princess's wisdom flow directly into my brain. She's speaking the deepest of truths! It really is a good idea to edge and not cum. I love being her stroke slave! I do this repeatedly and the first MP3 ends.

I skip over Glory Hole, I don't think anyone would appreciate me cutting a hole in their tent with my survival knife and start making unreasonable demands. Always wanted to hang with the tri-delts though those chicks know how to party, Princess style!

Uh-oh 'Busted' the twenty minute one about the step-sister and her cheer-leading friend Missy comes on! I tear through my backpack looking for a pair of panties to be caught with, oh! and I need a dildo. DRAT! I have neither, I really should have prepared better for this. Tears of remorse run down my face. What to do?

Jem! Jem will have an extra pair of panties! And I'm certain banky will have an additional dildo or three I can borrow! The iPod falls to the tent floor as I crawl into the desert night.

The Prophet billybear nervously steps into the desert night

When did it get so cold? And the dunes are flowing across the desert floor like ocean waves and I don't have a boat! Fucking banky! It's his fault, I spent hours trying to convince him to carry a canoe with us. He could have used it as a hat against the sun and now that I need one ... sheesh!

I'm intently studying the wave motion trying to remember where jem pitched her tent when I see it roll up and crest, lit like a perverted disco ball, before sinking back into the dunes. I stumble off towards it the waves making me a little seasick. Walking on water dunes is hard even for a prophet such as myself!

As I near the tent all sorts of horrible sounds are coming from it! My god is jem being attacked by another one of those mutant beavers she's always babbling about?! I rush to the tent, rip open the flap and say, "jem! Do you have an extra pair of panties I'm listening to that ..."

jem locked deep into Princess worship

"Um ... I'll check with banky, never mind." I quietly close the tent flap thanking the Lord that she didn't notice me. As I'm battling the surf, heading to banky's tent the little Keebler Elves are trying to convince me that maybe it's a good idea to leave banky alone. After all things didn't go so well with jemmie plus banky can't even stroke. They grow silent after I bury their leader up to his neck in the sand, cover him with honey and leave him for the fire ants.

You would not believe the amount of wild life that comes out in the desert night. I saw the Starship Enterprise in low orbit locked in mortal combat with the borg. Bambi and Thumper went by spewing their usual gloomy bullshit ... all sorts of stuff.

Banky's tent is silent as a tomb. There's a figure outside, I cautiously approach. All looks well, I round the corner, "Hey banky I'm listening to ..."

bankyboo locked deep in Princess worship

"... do you have any ... oh forget it!" OK, that was weird! That cage takes its toll mentally I guess. I head to lucky's tent maybe he has some of the stuff I need. Approaching his tent I hear a bunch of furtive giggling, humming, what sounds like water and digging. He seems to be muttering, "The altar must be perfect!" over and over again. Well he's obviously busy.

Despondently I head back to my tent after getting directions from Baltar who's looking for six.

As I crawl back into the tent I begin to wonder if I am actually a prophet. I've heard nothing from the Goddess but then again she's on vacation. I light a cig and begin to ponder the situation.

The resulting explosion sends the tent launching into the night sky pinwheeling and flaming like a North Korean missile launch. All my body hair is singed off and the resulting loss of oxygen causes me to black out.

Harsh sunlight pours through my eyelids and I wince in sun and flash burned pain as someone shakes my shoulder. I see both lucky and banky standing there with jugs in their hands. The desert sun has done quite a number on them, one glance at those two and I know we should get out of the desert as quickly as possible.

Got Kool-Aid?

"billybear, do you have any kool-aid? I need it for the altar!"

"We should have some in the stores, lucky, but don't use too much we're running low. Altar? What are you sacrificing?"

"I already used that! Do you have any more? And why do you look like an enormous chihuahua? What happened to your fur, and your tent for that matter?"

I find some sunscreen and cover myself with that, get dressed in my remaining clothes which consists of a tattered robe and sandals, grab my walking stick and feed lucky nothing but silence until he explains this altar business.

"Oh you've got to see it!"

I follow him and banky off towards lucky's tent. It really is quite a piece of work.

Lucky's altar

"What's up with the horses?"

"Those aren't horses, those are ponies, I like ponies! I made them green with food coloring! And I made Princess into a mermaid because I've been thinking a lot about water lately."

"What are you going to do with this altar?"

"Oh, I'm gonna fuck Her!"

"Well that shell is going to hurt."

"That's what I need the water for, so when I take Her shell off I can mold a most realistic pussy and keep it lubed!"

I look around at all the empty kool-aid jugs scattered about the desert. "So, we have no more water or kool-aid and you need just a little more to finish your altar?"

"That's why I came to you, make it rain right into our jugs and no where else prophet billybear! Come on do a rain dance!"

I smile sadly at lucky and shake my head no, "I'm not that sort of prophet. We better break camp and try and make it out of here. We have no water and two days of desert to cross. Piece of cake!"

That first day was bad, the second day was worse.

The Wastelands: Off We Go!

We assemble at the edge of the desert. Coated in the latest sunscreen invented by billybear labs we're ready to roll! It's vision quest time! Right before we leave banky comes shuffling up, caged. He shyly kicks the ground in front of him and says, "Even though I can't stroke I'd like to tag along and maybe get a vision from the Goddess."

"Cool beans!"

Banky happily applies his sunscreen and we head off on our great adventure!

From left to right: the prophet billybear, jem, pantysue, lucky the cantaloupe, and bankyboo the leprechaun head off on their vision quest

We go about thirty feet before hitting our first snag. pantysue pulls out her satellite phone and within minutes a limousine pulls up as she hops in she says, "It's far too hot and you guys are already a little stinky so I'll just follow along in the limo, OK?" Before we can say anything the bullet proof window rolls up and the limo pulls away.

I'm frantically studying the desert survival guide, doing some last minute brushing up since MsGrace suddenly made me responsible for keeping these precious pets of Hers alive and this thing is no longer a voluntary suicide mission. I'm just glad my survival knife came in time cause now I'm The Prophet BillyRambo the First and everyone is much more calm when I'm armed. Not sure why that is but when I start waving a forty-five or a knife around the room gets real quiet.

"Hey guys it says here in the survival guide that if we get low on water we can open a vein in banky and drink his blood! I was worried about that."

"Um billy?"

"What banky? What?!"

"I'm not real keen on being bled for emergency water rations."

"Well who would be? You're the FNG (Fracking New Guy) and so you really don't get much of a say. And look it's not really gonna be a problem, no one here is named Donner and we have plenty of water, it's not like we're going to chew it up building sandcastles - sheesh!"

We trudge on through the wastelands sipping our kool-aid. Jem blurts out, "It's been thirty minutes already, anyone have a vision yet? I mean it's fucking hot as hell out here, come on vision!"

Lucky says, "I had a vision, now I have a vision of me in that limo!" before bolting for pantysue's limo which the driver expertly keeps just out of lucky's reach before lucky finally collapses in exhaustion.

When the three pets march by lucky calls out, "Aren't you gonna carry me you bastards?" billybear reminds him that stroking is permitted on the vision quest. Lucky staggers to his feet and gamely trudges on.

Not even forty minutes into the ordeal cracks are appearing among the pets. Four hours later they reach the edge of the dunes. pantysue had pulled away with the limo and the driver was dumping out the backpacks and camping gear along with supplies, munching on a chocolate sundae pantysue calls out, "I'm really sorry but this is as far as the limo can go, so here's your stuff. I'm heading back for a pedicure and a business meeting. I'll try and chopper in later, this vision quest is quite important to me! Toodles!"

The remaining pets get dressed, shoulder their backpacks and begin to head up the dune when the limo comes screaming up, the door opens and lucky is shoved out onto the blistering sand.

"Nice try lucky, what gave you away?"

"Porno, it's betrayed me many times. I was trying to get a better view of what was on the screen when she caught me peering out from among the shoe boxes," Lucky shrugs.

They begin trudging up the first of what would be many dunes. The real work just beginning.

A Vision?

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Moses and Jeremiah Were Carebears?

by Lucky Pet

I have been following the ramblings of a certain carebear who thinks he is a prophet. If you are not up on this, I suggest you read here first. To say the least, I have been a bit dubious of his claims. Why would Princess need to test me when she knows how devout I am? Why would she chose a carebear to serve as prophet? Why does Princess remain so silent on this issue?

I have done a little research on the net and I am beginning to be swayed. I came across an article that describes the traits of a true prophet versus a false prophet. The results alarmed me.

True Prophet
1. Few in Number; trusts only in Princess
2. Generally disliked and not trusted
3. Speaks what Princess says – “Princess says…”
4. Gives warnings of Princess’ judgement of all
5. Demonstrates the power of Princess
6. Socially unacceptable, does not conform
7. Speaks a compelling message
8. Tells that we are subject to Princess’ judgement
9. Shares scripture to show the truth

False Prophet
1. Many of them; trusts the majority opinion
2. Generally liked and trusted by people
3. Speaks presumptuously of Princess – “I think…”
4. Speaks of peace and prosperity
5. Uses power of suggestion or illusion
6. Socially acceptable and conforms to expectations
7. Promotes self interest
8. Tells that Princess will not judge; do not fear Princess
9. Shares opinion to explain the “truth”

Let's go through these line by line.
1. There is only one proclaimed prophet even if it is a carebear
2. No one seems to trust billybearprophet
3. In his prophesies billybearprophet does claim to speak on behalf of Princess and not himself
4. Billybearprophet speaks of doom if you do not follow him
5. Billybearprophet has offered visual proof of Princess' miracles when she made him channel Lucy
6. Carebears are not socially acceptable
7. This one is a wash. While he does speak a compelling message it also seems to be self promoting
8. This self proclaimed prophet has spoken of the wraith of Princess should we not conform
9. Billybearprophet has produced scripture to back up his words.

So with some trepidation I find that I will go into the desert with billybear. I will keep a close eye on him as I am still very leery of his intentions and am not fully convinced. Honestly, there is not much to lose. If I stay here and stroke and I am really not supposed to then I am doomed. If I go into the desert I can stroke even if the prophet is lying. Either way I get to stroke but one way I have nothing to fear but coyotes. Besides I am always up for some mescaline, peyote and whiskey.

Bring on the visions!

[comments dug from the wreckage]

by BillyBear

Finally! See everyone I'm soooo not insane!

Nervous giggle, wrings paws

Lucky has scientifically proven that I am the true Prophet MostHolyBilly the First! Of the nine criteria I've got a mortal lock on eight of them!

I completely embrace Lucky's tepid, half-assed endorsement and annoint him, um LazarusLucky since he's risen from the dead at least once and not as a zombie you fools!

So follow me Princess Pets! We depart tomorrow!

by Princess Grace

All I can say My pets is be careful in the desert. I shall return on sunday...and expect all My pets in one piece. lol If they are not billybear...you are in troubleeeeee, since you are leading them. ::giggles::

wuv you all!

by BillyBear

and expect all My pets in one piece. lol If they are not billybear...you are in troubleeeeee, since you are leading them.

And so it was written, "Great woe shall be heaped upon the Prophet should even one hair upon Her pets heads be harmed or have split ends! The prophet shall spend an eternity caged and teased should this come to pass!"

No problems MsGrace, I've been watching a lot of the Discovery Channel and a little National Geographic um tonight. Did you know an armadillo can walk under water?

wuv you all!

Yeah, hold that thought when you get back, OK??!!

Nervous giggle, wrings paws

by Lucky Pet
Princess has spoken!

by LuckyPet
"Did you know an armadillo can walk under water?"

That might just come in useful. We are in the FUCKING DESERT!"

by BillyBear
We are in the FUCKING DESERT!

Well look who woke up on the wrong side of the cantaloupe patch! Sheesh

::hands lucky a steaming hot cup of coffee::

The Wastelands: Thou Shalt Go Forth ...

Last night I received the strongest vision to date!

The Prophet MostHolyBilly having his next vision 'phoned in' by a very busy Princess

I was puttering around the house cleaning and what not when the phone rang. It was the Goddess Princess Grace!!!

"I'm sorry I can't appear personally but I'm really quite busy with last minute preparations for my girlie-girl vacation, grrrr!"

"It's always great to hear from you Goddess!"

"Why are you dressed like Lucy?"

"Ummmm ... you can see me?"

"I'm a Goddess half-wit, of course I can see you! Plus you left your webcam on again you little perv. If I hadn't just gotten out of the shower I'd let you see me," wicked giggles, "Oh we are soooo talking about this the next time you call! I suppose you want me to play Ricky," heavy Cuban accent, "Hoist that skirt and bend over Looocie, chew have some 'splaining to do! I Love Lucy loooonnnngg time!!!" Gales of laughter.

"Goddess, really that's unnecessary, this is just some sort of dream. I'm certain Freud could explain it!"

"Say it!" Giggling

"Say what Goddess?"

Silence on the phone line, I know what She wants to hear, sighing heavily and going very nasal, "Awwwww Ricky!"

Laughter followed by deep breaths while She tries get control, "Oh! Say it again! You're so cute!"

"Awwww Ricky!"

"Now why did you call me? I'm fucking busy as hell!"

My mind shuts down, I'm completely locked in a lose-lose situation. Meekly I reply, "You called me Goddess."

"Chew making fun of Me Looosie? Chew are aren't chew? Ricky doan like dat! Chew gonna be plenty loosie when Ricky done wit chew!"

"No Goddess, really! You phoned me!"

"OK then. I want you to take the pets into the desert while I'm on vacation."

"The desert?"

"Yes. I can't have all of you sitting around twiddling your, um, thumbs can I? You are to fast, think about only Me and have visions of Me. Upon my return I want to read in your blogs about your visions!"

"Suppose they don't want to go along?"

"Those that go into the fiery desert may touch, play and edge, but NO CUMMIES! Those that remain may not even touch and have to think about Me while staring at their wanty needy boners. All must listen to my MP3s daily! Those that blog of their visions shall please Me. You do want to please Me don't you?"

"Oh my yes!!! Fasting though?"

"Look, I got another pound and a half to go here! DO YOU WANT ME TO SUFFER ALONE while I'm getting massages from my girl friends and laying about in the hot sun by the pool, actually having to wait for the waiter to bring me another drink? I didn't think so! So no Oreos for you, only salads and healthy nutritious snacks like Ovaltine and oatmeal until my return. Does this strap-on make me look fat? Oh I forgot, you can't see me, never mind." Giggling.

"We can't just drink Ovaltine Goddess, that would be yucky in the desert!"

"You drink it? Well fuck that. No you may only hydrate with Electric Princess Pink Kool-Aid! Forget the Ovaltine."

"That's pretty powerful stuff!"

An exasperated sigh fills the phone line, "Look all of you are to have visions, RIGHT?! Drink the Electric Pink, drop mescaline, fast, eat peyote, smoke pot, drink whiskey, NOT ALL AT ONCE BILLYBEAR! The point is do whatever will aid you or the other pets in having visions! I want to read in your blogs about how much you missed Me while I was gone. Is that too much to ask?!"

"No Goddess"

"Sheesh I wish I could pick My prophets at times, Lucky would have had this done in about three sentences! So repeat back what you're to do My pet and don't make a book out of it!"

"Take the pets into the desert with MP3 players filled with Your voice, take salads, electric pink kool-aid and healthy snacks, fast and have visions of You. Stroke, edge and think only of You! Record our visions in our blogs before Your return for You to read! No cummies."

"That's it!"

"Um Princess, I sort of like to think of You when I'm uh alone ... worshiping You ..."

"OH MY GOD! I am not talking about some sort of weird circle jerk here Prophet BillyBear! Although now that you mention it I am sorely tempted to have all of you around the campfire, little MP3 players in your ears all moaning and edging in front of each other whacka-whacka-whacka. It's almost a visual worth holding! No! No! No! Each pet shall worship me in a manner of their own perversion in privacy!"

I emit a huge sigh of relief!

"Now My Prophet, GO FORTH AND DO MY BIDDING!"

The line went dead, I resumed dusting until I awoke this morning and wrote this entry.

We have much to do! The Goddess has spoken!

Prophet of the Goddess Princess Grace
MostHolyBilly the First
Church of the Everlasting Motherfucking Princess Grace

Stupid Neighbors!

Well apparently my call with Princess didn't go unnoticed. Thanks to ace for the pic! He said he found it on CNN. Yeah, it looks like I was headed out to the Trampoline of Terror to mark my territory so it's probably real. sigh And yes the yard does need a little work, so back off about that, I've been busy!

The First Book of the Prophet BillyBear

I had another vision, Glowy Goddessy Princess before me, "My prophet you must lay down the commandments, so take good notes!"

Thou shalt not have carnal relations with oranges, or strawberry's and particularly grapes. Eating them is OK. Cantaloupes are iffy but melons and banana peels are fine.

You may only shove M&Ms in thy ass if thy are selected by the Goddess as the chosen one, otherwise no no no!

Thou shall drink kool-aid every day except Mondays.

Thou must listen to the Gospel According to Grace DAILY!

Feel free to tithe when the mood's upon thee

Unless thy are chosen by the Goddess, hope not for a hiccup

On a certain day of the week, thy shall not eat something, I'll get back to you on that

Cummies without permission are sacrilege against The Holy One and shall be dealt with severely!!!

Prophet of the Goddess Princess Grace
MostHolyBilly the First
Church of the Everlasting Motherfucking Princess Grace

Will you MAKE UP YOUR MIND?

Now I've got about 40 IM windows opened from scared Goddess fearing HAND WRINGERS who want me to put The Prophecy back. Well OK then, I mean I don't want Armageddon on my hands but all this vacillating as got to stop.

The Prophecy can not be ignored! The next time you defy MostHolyBilly you will spend eternity sucking molten lava through a straw!

Prophet of the Goddess Princess Grace
MostHolyBilly the First

Go Ahead DEFY the Prophecy of BillyBear You Bastards

You get wrecked on Giantess pot after a two day decadent binge with Princess, have one lousy vision and suddenly everyone's screaming for rulings from Princess on this and on that. They can't handle my deep mystic side, my recent brush with the heavenly.

So I'm pulling the post, mulligan, didn't happen. Everybody go ahead and stroke away and when the fires start and the rain falls and everything is all steamy and stinky and the pigs fly and the monkeys screech and your hair gets dirty and your penis lies limp in your hand well ...

DON'T LOOK AT ME!

Next time I have a vision I'm keeping it to myself. SHEESH!

billybear labs Proudly Salutes ...

Upon learning that there will be no TeaseTime next week (24 May 07 - known as The Day the Boners Died) the following brave individuals swore not to stroke or cum until the next MsGrace hosted TeaseTime, taking a bullet for the rest of us, allowing us to frolic, play and cum as much as we want on the playground!

jem, banky, lucky and ace!!! Well maybe ace, he said he'd 'think about it. ... someday ... after later and definitely after Saturday' but the other three said they are 'all in!'

When informed that MsGrace planned on working until around the 23rd of May and that She even planned on working Her regular hours during the marathon and would return after four days the courageous pets appeared indifferent.

Lucky Pet said, "What's your point?"

Jem, popping gum and scratching her head said, "What did you call that thingamajig again? A calender? I just mark the days by cutting a notch in this here stick."

banky just grinned.

billybear said, "A denial gig you say? Princess unreachable you say? This sort of thing is perfect for billybear. It's like ... dare I say it? It's like I was born to it! There I said what everybody already knows! Oh I am soooo in! If it's futile and pointless, look there and you shall find billybear! It's my new motto, what do you think?" Upon hearing of billy's plans MsGrace stormed across the room and bitch slapped him until he promised to beat off at least twice a day while thinking naughty pervy thoughts involving his Princess.

"I will NOT return from My vacation to a blog filled full of your weird 'I'm in denial' bullshit! Your blog is weird enough as it is and ace and jem have already said they're just gonna watch, eat popcorn and goad you on if you meltdown in the chatroom again. AM I PERFECTLY CLEAR?! ARE YOU ON MY FREQUENCY SOLDIER?!"

A cowed billybear meekly replied, "Yes MsPatton er MsGrace!"

Unable to join the three intrepid pets billybear packed them brown bag lunches.

Popping a Valium MsGrace sighed and said, "How can I not wuv those four morons? Sometimes they have 'fits' but all in all they're good boys. Usually it's best to just get out of their way when they get like this."

Stand tall jem, lucky, banky and maybe ace! We at billybear labs SALUTE YOU and your gallant, aimless, futile and pointless gesture! You Rock!

Recouperation (2nd Hop Call)

This is just a quick post on what happened on the second night of billy's depravity. If you're looking for hopping etc, not this call :-)

I wasn't sure that we had set a time for the call so I picked the countdown clock for 10PM. Around that time I got an IM from Lucky Pet hoping I was enjoying my hopping. I replied that I hadn't heard anything yet so I wasn't sure it was going to happen and that maybe I'd IM Princess. This reply was scornfully ignored.

I IMd Princess asking her not to forget me. Watched Lost and then went to bed. The three phones, klaxon and flashing lights woke me awhile later, not real sure of the time but it was earlier than the previous call. I was having the most delightful nightmare where I was in a melon patch being forced to select a virgin by 'The Melon King' who looked a lot like ace for some reason and then uh ... nothing, never mind.

I answer and it's Princess. I ask Her what's She's been doing, meaning Her day and all but She took it to mean why was She calling late. She said that She had been playing with others blah blah blah because She sort of lost me there, there are OTHERS?!

Anyway, I'm just a little snuggly sleepy head. Last night's call took a lot out of me. I had managed to fall completely asleep at my desk at work. My back faces the entry and a coworker knocked on the partition saying, "What are you working on?" I looked at my hands carefully placed on the keyboard in a simulation of work and glance at the monitor, "I'm working on the screen saver apparently." Sheesh. Take heed gentle readers, this is the true price of perversion!

We chat and Princess tells me Her deepest desires, wants and needs. She's cute about it really, kinda shy and all. You want to know it? OK! Currently Her deepest desire, what She really wants and needs is for this one package She ordered to arrive in time for Her upcoming vacation!

I pity the fool who gets Her on the line if the package doesn't arrive in time. I wouldn't want to be that lucky caller. No sir, maybe jem, jem's lucky that way! Actually jem might dig it. Jem can play the company rep who fucked up Princess's vacation and Princess can play Herself. Oh I can't wait to read that blog post.

We talk a little about last night's call. We talked about other things.

Then we played where She took me to my happy place (there's no Melon King there let me tell ya!). I was very happy and very vocal about it (for me) and in all honesty that's all you get :-) There was no hopping, since billy's brain was still recuperating from the last call.

As always it was yummy, very relaxed and a lot of fun.

BTW: Princess is naughty! She made me do very naughty things even on this call.

Expect Phreaks To Go By (1st hop call)

We interrupt your local programming with this breaking news. There is an apparent Yeti thing on the loose in this local neighborhood. We cut to Gail Petrovski live on the scene. Gail?

Thanks Frank I'm standing with local residents Martha and Joe Banklefoot. Both were awakened by 'noises' in their back yard. Mrs. Banklefoot can you describe what you saw?

I'm not sure what I saw ...

I'll tell you what you saw Martha, it was an affront to God! That's what you saw!

Oh Joe really, anyway it was huge, with blue fur wearing a pink wife-beater with something written on the front.

Don't forget the tiara and bunny ears Martha, well they looked kinda like bunny ears, or white furry boners poking from its skull.

I was getting to that Joe now hush! It also appeared to have a cotton tale and large buck teeth gnawing on something ... might have been what's left of a carrot.

Well that 'cotton tale' looked a lot like someone shoved a bunch of cauliflower up their ass to me.

Joe! We're on TV so watch that mouth of yours! It was definitely a tail, it would twitch some sort of cute! It was carrying a basket full of eggs and searching for something.

This is Frank Mangleroot back in the studios. Mrs. Banklefoot it sounds like you're describing the Easter Bunny to me.

Oh no Mr. Manglefoot. That was no Easter Bunny! It might be the illegitimate offspring of a Yeti and the Easter Bunny but I think it was an alien space Yeti-Bunny myself! It was holding some sort of communication device to its ear. I think it was receiving instructions from its insect overlords, in fact I'm sure of it!

Goddammit Martha that was a phone!

Joe, I said to watch your fucking mouth! It moved liked greased lightening and kept muttering about finding the golden egg so it could come. 'I need to come' over and over. But come where? Home? I have no idea. I bet it was lost, poor thing. Suddenly it saw me standing out in the back yard and charged!

Martha, it squeaked, appeared to piss itself and bolted past you in a mad dash to the next yard before disappearing out of sight.

Joe, you didn't see it up close, the ravenous want and need. It was going to take me Joe, defile me. Make me perform the most unnatural of perversions! It's blazing buck teeth of desire biting my rock hard nipples making me confess my darkest ...

Martha it had tits!

Joe you don't know anything about alien space Yeti-Bunny anatomy! Those weren't tits, more like pointy direction finders maybe and if they were boobies they were smaller than yours Mr. D Cup! That thing was HOT!

Martha shut up!

It was going to do me six ways to Sunday I tell you! I'VE GOT YOUR GOLDEN EGG RIGHT HERE Yeti-Bunny thing! [Mrs. Banklefoot begins frantically rubbing her crotch through her nightgown] Take me to your insect overlords and probe the ever lasting shit out of me!!! PLEASSEEE!

Mrs. Banklefoot then grabbed her her husbands nipple, twisted hard while screaming, fuck me Joe! Space fuck your hot momma on TV!

Um, hi this is Gail, darn it Henry keep the camera on me! We do NOT want to loose our FCC license here! Moving along we have a local policeman. Sir what are the authorities doing to resolve this crises?

Not much Gail. We have a saying around these parts, "When you're outside, expect phreaks to go by."

Meanwhile, deep in its lair the Yeti-Bunny thing was cracking the first egg.

Um, yeah if you eat enough of MsKate's portabella mushrooms and look at it sideways that's what happened. You wanna know what really happened?

OK, this is what really happened - rolls eyes

A little before Midnight Madness my IM window pops open and Princess pours out a stream of preliminary perversion, "Get a bowl of ice, a spatula and a wooden spoon. Core the cantaloupe, get dressed in inappropriate attire like those bunny ears you made and the tail, I love the tail! Make certain the aneros is ready along with the webcam. Get eight eggs and place a number in each."

I get busy on these tasks not real certain what's going on but cutting a hole in the danged cantaloupe was suspicious.

So I enter Midnight Madness a little late and begin something of an epic struggle staying in the room. A major storm front was moving though and it would randomly cut my internet connection. The Lord was not pleased with my upcoming call and lightening and hail and serious rain were falling.

I won the Midnight Madness competition! So everyone in the room except MsGrace and MsKate are billyBunny's bitch for a week! For the next seven days you shall refer to me as MostBitchy my dumplings.

There was lots of fun teasing and it looks like a truly great time. Wish I could make this more often, like all the time but this was good. Got to see ace, jem, banky and others. But let me say this from a not too frequent observer, MsKate and MsGrace work very well together! Then MsGrace and MsKate headed off to defile poor bankyboo. You can read about the first part of his abasement here. I try and nap while waiting for banky.

Suddenly I'm jarred out of a light doze by the three phones placed around my head (I wasn't sleeping through this call!) sounding off! Oh, yummy, who could this be? Princess so rarely gets to call me (in fact this is the second time since we've met) and so this is a real treat for Her billyBunny.

She's pretty worked up and very very giggly. "Turn on your webcam and put on those bunny ears."

"Can you see anything Princess?"

"I can see your hand"

"Are you ready to see billyBunny in his full glory?"

"Yes"

I drop my hand.

Suppressed giggling building to full gale laughter ensues from our Princess.

"Oh My God! Those ears certainly are um pokey aren't they? Now stand up and turn around I want to see that tail, oh yeah shake it for Me baby! You certainly are bulgy in those shorts sweetie."

Her laughter is infectious and addictive. You end up wanting more. She was having fun, so was I.

It gets more depraved for poor billyBunny.

"Hold the cantaloupe up to the camera." (By the way Lucky Pet is right, if you have a webcam and She wants to play with it then it removes all possibilities of fibbing. She will watch! It adds a level of intensity that I hadn't expected).

"OK go and get some markers."

"Princess I have to pee."

"Well you just go right ahead and do that big boy if you want to spend the rest of the evening in wet shorts. Hold it. Now get the markers, blue, black, green and red."

"OK I got them." I was alternating between a cordless phone and a land line.

"Now we're going to put a pretty little face on cantaloupe 'date' of yours."

After some initial whining billyBunny gets busy on this major perversion. I'm not sure how I feel about fucking fruit. Princess makes me get a glass of wine and start downing it, so that I'm 'in the mood for love.' Still no peeing and it's moving beyond a dull ache to something of a problem.

I hold up the cantaloupe stupidly saying, "They look like cat eyes."

Laughter, "Oh! Oh! Make mittens! Draw mittens for Me! After all you've put her through this is nothing. Billy's gonna fuck mittens!" wicked laughter.

cantaloupeMittens is born and displayed to much merriment.

"OK get back on the cordless and go upstairs! Get a glass and fill it with water. Listen to the water running. The glass is full? Good, now drink it down. All of it!"

This does not help my bladder situation and I inform Princess She's not much of a 'helper girl.' She informs me that I've never sounded so sarcastic on the phone before.

"OK go outside billy. Now hop over to a tree. Do it! Now hump it! You want to pee don't you? You don't want to pee your pants and have Me diaper you do you?"

"We don't have any diapers Princess."

"Betcha got a towel" evil giggle

I comply with Her demands. I'm not just a tree hugger, I'm a tree humper. I gotta tell you when Princess finds a lever (like the need to pee) She does not hesitate to put it to Her full advantage. Sheesh!

"Hop back to the patio My bunny!"

As I hop back (call it thirty/forty feet) my bladder is sooo full each time I hit the ground a little squirt of pee is popping out. Eeewwwwww! I inform our most merciful Princess of this as I'm frantically hopping back to the patio with my knees knocked together and the most dreadful look of concentration - consternation upon my bunny face. This news is received with much concern by Princess if you call giggling and 'hop higher' concern.

Now let me be PERFECTLY clear here. Throughout the entire call Princess was not the only one laughing Her ass off! I held my own in the laughter - giggle department. This was very much a two way call in the fun department.

I really don't want to go in my pants, I'm not a pee guy. Princess knows this and although I fully expect Her to say, "Drop and give me fifty" She shows compassion.

"Awwww poor baby. You need to go? Do you think you could go just a little? Just to relieve some of that nasty pressure?"

"Yes Princess"

"Then BEG Me!"

billyBunny begs his little heart out and Princess says go ahead and pee.

"Ahhhhhhhh" sweet relief.

"Now STOP"

"AARRRGGGGHHHH!"

Oh Princess liked that arrggghhh sound. She said it was the equivalent of telling a boy he can't cum. She likes it so much that She repeats the process four more times. Heads up pets, this type of torture may be in your future. She's also considering bladdercontrol.com (brought to you by Depends!) but is still working on the marketing. She wants at least as many pervs as curious geriatrics.

"OK billyBunny, now hop around the house while singing I'm a Little Teapot!"

"It's a big house Princess" (I was concerned about crossing the front of the house with the lights and all)

I can literally hear Her fingers snapping, "Hop to it!"

As I'm about halfway around the house, singing my Teapot song, She gets all panicky, "billy! You're breaking up! Come back billy! Hop home My bunny!!!" I continue around the house and get back in range and right away She goes, "Well I didn't get to hear Teapot so hop back and forth across the patio or deck or whatever and sing it while doing the arm motions."

Naturally I comply ("I'm MsGrace's teapot ..."). She tells me to go back inside (thank God! or so I thought at the time).

"Mittens is waiting for you billy"

"Oh God"

Now mittens really isn't working for me and I honestly don't know why. Fruit phobia? Did I almost choke to death on a melon as an infant? Who knows but every time I look at mittens I go limp, and it's hard not to look at her since I'm suppose to put this round peg into that round hole.

I ask for help.

Princess deploys the aneros and starts pushing all my buttons like the maestro She is. I let Her voice wash over me with my eyes closed and I grow rock hard before even touching. She tells me to pour the pop rocks into mittens. No prob. More talky please.

"Now billy take mittens and doooo her!"

I need to put the phone down because mittens has a fat head and weighs a good few pounds. I forget that Princess is watching on the damned webcam and can see me from about the chest up to the top of my bunny ears. I place the head of my wookie in mittens mouth, grab her by the ears and pull down while simultaneously pushing forward.

OW!

Apparently I have self-esteem issues because the damned hole is too small! I try and force my way in further but fucking mittens is having none of that static. I pull mittens off me grab a knife and start to frantically enlarge her mouth before I loose my hard on. All the while I'm hearing gales of laughter and inquiries from the phone next to me on the couch.

Now picture this from Princess's point of view. She can only see me from about the boobs up. She sees me grab mittens, wince in pain, grab a knife and frantically start stabbing her. What the fuck?!

I've cored a more forgiving mouth in mittens but alas in my haste made it too big. I slide in easily. Too easily. Mittens "pops" half-heartedly. I pull my cantaloupe seed covered wookie out in despair.

Princess is disappointed. How could this go so well for others but fail so miserably for billyBunny? We talk about it briefly but in my opinion it was a smashing success. It brought a lot of fun and a huge number of laughs! That's the point right?

We're almost out of time and I'm in a great mood because this was an unbelievably fantastically fun call. I say, "Well maybe I'll get to cum Wednesday night."

Princess is having none of that. She says I've been so good for Her that I'm going to get my cummies. She takes me right under in a way only someone who's known you for awhile can. I came very, very hard for my Mistress.

I have no idea what tonight will bring but I will confess to being happily tired!

Those of you who may decide to taunt billyBunny for playing with fruit, well I could name two of you who will shortly be at their local grocery store thumping melons and looking for pop rocks :-)

We never got to the eggs :-)

Yep, I'm a tree humping attempted cantaloupe fucking phreak, but let's be clear, I'm HER tree humping attempted cantaloupe fucking phreak!

Softest of kisses to Princess Grace. Truly an amazing call! Thankies :-)

'hi hi' Friday

hi hi

I'm sure a lot of you can relate, but I just love when that happens!!!

I kick back, "hi hi" and then grow a little concerned when Princess says something down the lines of, "you may not want to talk to Me tonight - I'm a little spastic."

Has She been in the glue again? Another craft project project gone horribly wrong? (and I hate to do this but for those not up to speed on my writing style - the glue thing is a joke).

I'm trying to get a handle on this. Is She 'not in the mood'? Is something else going on? What's goin' on here Princess?

I kick back, "Allow me to be perfectly clear, I always want to talk to You!" And a 'spazzy' Princess call could be interesting. We go back and forth a bit on this and I find myself in the interesting position of begging to spend potentially hundreds of dollars with a Lady who might not be in the mood to talk to me.

I kinda sorta put it on the line and say something like I consider Her not only my Mistress but a very good friend and because of that neither of us has to feel like we always have to be 'on' with one another. I finally figure out that She wants to talk but not necessarily play. I'm good with that, in fact I'm great with that. I love shooting the breeze with Princess, she's smart, witty and a lot of fun. I check the little countdown to perversion clock on my blog and have around 3 or so days until She's gonna seriously fuck me over two nights, I'm not positive on this but call it intuition, I think banging around it that brain of Hers are the various ways she's going to mind fuck me - loooong time.

Nervous giggle, wrings paws

Screw it I want to talk, I'm pretty sure She does too or I wouldn't have been IMd in the first place. Or the IM would have been She's not in the mood. Whatever, I'm in and I punch redial on the phone, informing Her I'm calling and pop over to the Freaky Friday window and happily babble into that I'm sorry I have to go but I have a call to make.

MsGrace and I shoot the breeze. Now for those of you who might be concerned - don't be. There's nothing wrong in Graceland. Princess is very focused on Her upcoming vacation, and babbling happily about the wonderful prezzies She's received from you all. She was in a very good mood.

We talked about the Trampoline of Terror. At one time Princess was playing with the idea of her billyBunny really hopping for her, getting all 'bouncy'! I sent Her a pic of the thing and She nixed the idea. It's too close to the house, weather is perfect for open windows and neither of us want billyBunny in jail.

Then the conversation got kinda weird. Like a Greek oracle she blurts out, "I want you to go to the store and buy a cantaloupe and that candy that pops in your mouth" (Darn it I can't remember the name of that candy!)

In a high squeaky voice I blurt out "Why?" as a nasty fantasy called 'billy gives birth' flies through my head. In that one Princess has convinced me to shove the cantaloupe up my ass ("Now billy get it very, very gloopy"), and has me spread eagle in front of the webcam so she can witness the miracle of birth. "PUUUSSSSHHHH my billybear!!! PUSSHHHHH! OH! OH! I can see it crowning! What do you mean it's 'stuck'? Did you buy the candy? Good! Quickly swallow all seventeen packs and don't burp! Let the gasses build and dear sweet God don't point at the webcam!"

Princess sounding a little like Mistress Maraka replies, "Buy the cantaloupe and the candy."

"But MsGrace what ..."

Mistress Grace sounding a lot like Mistress Maraka replies, "Do it asshole!"

So it's some big mystery what's gonna happen with that but hopefully it's not the wonder of labor!

Now I just peeped out banky's blog and he's suppose to get a cantaloupe too and color it but no mention of candy. What's up with the fucking cantaloupes?! Uhhh ... let me rephrase that in case ... nervous giggle, wrings paws ... what's up with the gosh darned cantaloupes?! The new cock cage?

billybear labs proudly announces the new improved cb2500!

Yes the Cantaloupe Bag 2500 is completely organic! All the ladies will gasp and flush with erotic delight when they say, "Is that a cantaloupe in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

Available for $28.95 from billybear labs!

She discussed some other things that She may or may not do. Princess is a very seat of Her panties Gal and I've found I like that. A lot of variables can come into play between now and the night. I know there will be an egg hunt, I know there will be hopping, I now know there will be a cantaloupe and candy but probably not for a salad. And that's it. Come what may, what's most important to me is that both of us have fun!

I mentioned that I'm having trouble getting 'me' time to buy the stuff I need for the costume but will continue working on that. Hopefully it will all come together. Most of what we've discussed has been for the first night. I'm having some ideas for the next night that I may email Her.

You know, Princess talks about how all Her pets are different. Well the calls with Her are the same way - all different. I've seen banky, jem, Lucky and even myself say they just get better and better. I still find that true but they, for me anyway, get better in different ways. MsGrace, even 'spazzy' is a delight. BillyBear metaphorically lays his head on Her shoulder, looks happily at the reader and says, "Thanks for the call Princess! I had a lot of fun!"

Hey MsGrace, talk to you real soon now! Be gentle, I'm a virgin you know! Nervous giggle ...

Friday Fun

Yeah ... so it's Friday, AGAIN and I'm rushing all over the place and finally manage to come strolling into MsTara's TeaTime, trying to look cool but a little out of breath from all the rushing around I was doing. So I get there at about 6:58PM wondering if I missed it all.

Nope. MsTara sat at the head of the table and I hunkered down next to pothead for obvious reasons. I was somewhat sorta hoping MsTara had returned from her beach vacation as lobster woman. I was going to give her a big hug since I had put all this mouse hair get in my fur and was rather prickly. But nooooo MsTara was radiant, bronzed and relaxed. My first scheme foiled.

Banky was offering me tea and something but since he's been denied at least as long as jem was and I really wasn't in the mood for another lap full of scalding tea. So I passed on that. It was after seven and so I ask MsTara if it's OK to stab pothead in the leg with a pencil.

MsTara allows me to proceed. Someone wasn't paying attention ...

So gently and with great understanding I drive the pencil into pothead's thigh. pothead looks around and mutters, "ow."

MsTara is livid, "Billy you know THE ONE PERSON in this room you're not allowed to abuse, you know who that is!"

"Um, point of order MsTara? If you scroll up you'll see I asked for and received permission to stab pothead. PLEASE scroll up."

The room is deathly still while MsTara checks this out, "Well that seems to be a technicality. Fuck it, I'm the Mistress." And she tases me. Now my good buddies "nerd boy" and giselle really aren't helping matters. MsTara picks me up by the leg and starts shaking me while pencils and shish-kabobs go clattering on the floor before dropping me in a heap.

It's been awhile since I've tasted the sweet sting of MsTara's trademarked taser so I'm speaking gibberish and finally my head clears enough to say, "Help me banky ... help me." Banky's looking very uncertain about that request while he's watching me slowly crawl across the floor like a wounded snake.

"Um I'm not sure how I can help you billybear."

"Just hold still while I drive these pencils into your leg like pitons so that I can pull myself up. Hold still dammit!"

Banky suddenly remembers a pressing appointment and has to go. uh huh. After awhile the effects of the tasing wear off and I can get up. It's around seven twenty or so and MsTara says she has to go. Leaving me with giselle, pothead, nerd boy and megan (a real chatty Cathy) I think. Now giselle and nerd boy have been mocking sweet, meek billybear through his entire ordeal.

::billy picks up a soup ladle:: Bye MsTara!
::billy picks up a salad fork:: So long, we'll miss You!!!
::billy slowly approaches giselle:: toodle-oo MsTara, don't worry about a thing - Ta!

MsTara is making some noise about how sweet I used to be but She's stuck and She knows it. She exits.

I turn to the room, "Did I ever tell you that I was a legendary domme?"

Later in the evening I'm prepping for what I hope will be a MsGrace call. I'm unsure of it and though not happy about it more than willing to cut MsGrace a lot of slack. If she ends up partying or playing, well come on, it's the day after Her birthday and quite honestly the celebration should last a week or so anyway.

So I'm in an IM with Lucky Pet and we're discussing music and his sudden infatuation with Liz Phair. I was trying to introduce him to Aimee Mann but she lacks Liz's fashion sense and plus is far more melodic and not as rock and roll as Liz. So we're yakking about this and that and jem pops in and asks if I've heard anything about the call and I say no not yet. I'm really hoping it will happen but haven't heard a word.

I remind jem that she's minutes away from FreakyFriday and so off jem goes. I'm still in IM with Lucky and I decide to once again lock horns with my nemesis Corruptrix. I had learned through the grapevine that tonight's FreakyFriday had something to do with cat worshiping or something like that. So I adjust the transmorgifier and enter the room as BillyBast.

I immediately start taunting Corruptrix since I'm some sort of Goddess with droopy boobs and Corruptrix moves off to survey the situation. MsAva and MsVeronica and my old gal pal StaphMarie don't seem to be too amused with this incarnation of billy. I end up with the moniker 'billybastard' which sort of hurt my Goddess feelings so I figure if they want to have some sort of celebration of pussy (and I am all for that!) then who am I to stand in their way. I exit and reenter as billybear.

Now I'm not the best multi-tasker in the world so I'm trying to maintain my fun IM with Lucky Pet and keep an eye on what's going on in the room which is moving very fast. It's not working out very well. I think MsAva is still irritated with me and the whole Bast thing and is asking me about some ancient instrument I should know and I'm googling the shit out of that and yakking with Lucky and it's just not working out. I bail and mark myself as 'be right back' in the room.

I've sort of got my eye on the room which is flowing like a river and talking The Doors and Costello and Liam Lynch with Lucky when he announces he must depart. I begin to focus back on the room and apparently I'm being cooked. I'm trying to figure out to reengage when my IM window pops open with ...

hi hi

That will be the next post ... :-)

Another AMAZING Discovery!

billybear labs has made another remarkable discovery today sending the science world reeling.

I wanted a new wrench for the transmorgifier and typed in 'hoedepot.com' instead of 'homedepot.com' silly me, anyway we found out there are these sites, online!, that have pictures of naked women on them!

It's hard to believe I know but they're there! Lots of them. There are even sites where naked women are having sex and doing all sorts of pervy stuff. It's true! I swear it!

Anyway I thought to myself, 'Well I simply must see more of this!'

Goodness Gracious will you look at that! Oh my you must need to be really relaxed to do that! I mean he got his entire head up her ass. Amazing, but yeah I can see why they needed that snorkel. Love hurts!

Who knew? I'm so gonna win the Nobel for this! In your FACE ace! Ha!!!

Thank You Princess

Just a brief shout out to MsGrace.

I wanted to say thank You so much for last nights TeaseTime! It was, after all Your birthday and You certainly didn't have to be there. I know it meant a lot to this feeble excuse for a pet that You took the time to entertain us, even staying past the hour. You didn't have to do that and I know what an incredibly active RealWorld life You have so if You were with us, You were not with others. In my book that counts for something, in my book that counts for a lot! Anyway ...

Thanks

I had fun! Hope everyone else did too, mostly You Princess :-)

Also a quick shout out to the 'Merry Pranksters' jem, ace, bankyboo, pantysue and Lucky. jem we designed the aerosol to dissolve clothes not cock cages darn it! Well back to the lab on that one. ace your triple stuff oreos were a big hit with Princess and the fact that the more you eat the more weight you loose seemed to put Her in a pretty good mood. Another money maker for ace Inc. banky thanks for the bunny suits and pantysue thanks for the cake, next year you'll have to make a bigger one so that two can get in there or maybe all of us :-) Lucky I know you wanted to be there and I salute the discipline it must have took to keep you out!

Some of our schemes worked and some, not so much. I mean we have got to work on our singing of Happy Birthday! We were all over the map on that one and who was off key?! - sheesh - rolls eyes

I'm probably forgetting someone and now know how Princess must feel when having to thank some folk in her blog. There's a name right on the tip of my tongue ...

Well anyway Princess I know we all hope You had the best birthday, until next year's birthday that is.

Happy Birthday Princess!!!

click on picture to enlarge - it looks better
happy birthday song no longer available

Electric Pink Kool-Aid Acid Test Lot 23b79

Oh MAN! How'd I end up back in the lab? Last thing I recall was hanging at this bar talking to this guy named Boris. Christ was he boring! 'Vould chew vike too meyt a pratty geeirl?' I wish Princess was there, she speaks fluent Russian. I got so fucking bored with his nonsense that I did a shot of the latest batch of Kool-Aid to see if it would improve matters. Mittens still isn't right from the previous test batch I made, she shaved her head, donned an orange robe and is running around the house meowing, "Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna Hare Hare, Hare Rama Hare Rama, Rama Rama Hare Hare." I swear to God if she doesn't stop banging that motherFUCKING tambourine ... Anyway the last thing I recall is asking Boris, "Vhat dee hyeck ees a pratty geeirl?" Next thing I know I'm here on the floor.

What's this? An envelope? Wait! Why am I dressed like this?! Pictures???!!!

OH MY GAWWWDDDD!!!!

Princess I can 'splain EVERYTHING ... ummmmm ... I'm certain the pictures speak for themselves!

I'm so stoned and I feel so vulnerable in pink.
You really think I look pretty? Really, really pretty?!
Keep talking, I'm listening! Well that does make sense! Pictures!
How else will I treasure this memory? You're smart!
I like your nose too, it's worthy of Pinocchio

I'll do it as long as you PROMISE not to tell OK?? PROMISE!!!
Then this ONE TIME ONLY!
You still respect me! Right? I do look cute don't I!!
What's my motivation for holding the pink heart again?
Do I look like a dork in this shirt? I think it makes me look fat!
OK, OK I'll shut up. Quit yelling at me!

Ummmm, rubbing like this is making me horny!
Is that wrong? Is there something wrong with me?
I bet there's something wrong with me, isn't there?
Something very, very wrong with billybear!

Do I look like a freak? I bet I look like some sort of freak!
Hmmmm Where did you purchase these? I have um, a friend ...
Oh! Oh! This wittle piggy went to market ...

Princess, I'm so sorry! I got nuthin here, all I can say is I didn't cum, honest, and that Russians are BAD! yeah ... bad Russians, naughty Russians! You can tell from the pictures what a rotten time I was having! I guess lot 23b79 isn't for billybear. The things I do for science, for making a better tomorrow, who knew research could be so dangerous? Hey jemmie, Lucky and banky come over here and taste this batch! ...

What pink bow?! What the fuck are you talking about???

PS:

Tree bark roughs Her back
Wolf upon Her, lusting eyes
Teasing She controls

Boring Post - Princess Don't Read!!! (rest of you READ IT!!!)

... and as we study the metatarsal of the African bipolar sloth we can't help but note such phalanges will soon suffer Darwinian execution. No longer needed while engaged on the ravenous hunt of the dreaded Mango-Mango Moth this appendage will ...

Is She gone? ... Good!

Princess Pets and Pals please put on your Princess Pets and Pals Kool-Aid glasses and turn your decoder rings to '19'! A message will appear within this post!!!

Wait for it ... ommmmmm ....

Princess Grace Surprise Birthday Party
10PM Eastern 10 May 07 (Thursday TeaseTime)
Main Chatroom

pantysue, is the cake ready?

ace, can you supply cookies? She'd probably really dig some of those Oreo Triple Stuffs only you can make, and thin mints too!

Lucky Pet can you show for a few? She deserves to get off on Her birthday and we all know how 'cummie' She gets when you're in the room! billyPrincess demands that you take NO RISKS what-so-ever! You're a Lucky guy but there's no reason to push that envelope!

jem, are the Apple Martinis and jello shots ready? If we're going to get Her in that cake this is critical!

bankyboo are the pink bunny suits for everyone to wear going to be there on time?

I'm whipping up a special batch of electric pink Kool-Aid along with jet-pack bunny tails and levitating floppy ears so we can fly around the room. There will be a fuse stuck out the back of the tail. The idea is that you sneak up on a party goer and light it, watching them careen uncontrollably around the room like a balloon deflating. She'll like that. It lasts about a minute.

If you have time, post in your own blogs that you got this message. Work in the subtle haiku,

a howling wolf nears
a little red riding hood
giggling She flees

or reply here if you lack time.

Everyone, party planner or not, PLEASE attend if you can!!! The more the merrier!!! You know this will be fun :-)

Remember Princess said She may be late so hang around!

Also keep in mind Princess has been known to squeak out, "OH! CUM FOR ME!" when She's startled. It's a defense mechanism so that She has time to make a threat assessment. Once I snuck up behind her and popped a paper bag ... I almost got off before She regained Her senses ... boy was I in big, BIG trouble ... good times, good times.

So if we can surprise Her and sing 'Happy Birthday' on key and synchronized She maaay just toss us a prezzie of our own :-)

Hope you can make it!

PS: Not much time left :-)

Mistress Maraka & Mittens

A long time ago mittens use to work as a cartoon cat on the TV show Mistress Maraka & Mittens. It is rumored though unconfirmed that our own Princess Grace was a writer on this show. Very few of these clips exist today. You can view this one here.

Thanks to Princess Grace for digging this up for me and mittens!!! I laughed my ass off!!!

"Get on your tummy! On your tummy!!! DO IT ASSHOLE!"

I can see where my May phone calls are headed.

"Don't question it just do it!"
Nervous giggle, wrings paws

CRISES! in Texas

Waves of 'lust' from horrific storm JemieCumCum roll by

"Well at least no one was hurt, but we're all a little grossed out," reflected an unidentified Kool-Aid pet, "I mean JESUS jemmie, YUCK! Would you look at this mess!"

Local weatherman Frank Pickatoon noted, "Well it's not a natural event per se, so we didn't have a naming convention for a storm of this nature. We all settled on JemmieCumCum after a somewhat heated debate. Well heated for weathermen anyway."

"It looks like my prayers and repeated conversations with MsGrace helped!" said Father Pestrackioakly, "I had expected much, much worse."

An Army Corp of Engineers lieutenant chimed in, "We were all wondering if Princess Grace would be able to control the release. She did a yeoman's job! I am soooo calling Her!"

The first sounds of real trouble began around 9:45 PM local time when a series of animal grunts, rising in volume and violence began coming from the bedroom.

"If a troop of weeping Howler Monkeys with megaphones could beg, well that's what it sounded like!" said an embarrassed local.

"Oh man you should have seen it!" said out of state stoner pothead, "I mean the whole side of the house bulged, then the window blew out before the wall collapsed. That first wave, it was like a ... like a ... tsunami! Wow ... I'm sorry, did you say something about corn chips?"

Longtime Kool-Aid pet Lucky said, "Well we were uphill and a few hundred miles away. I knew jem didn't have it in her to make it all this way. Eighty or ninety days, maybe. Anyway that's why they call me 'Lucky' cause I am!"

An angry neighbor from jem's home owners association blurted out, "Well I'm completely aghast! I shall write the most discourteous letter I can think of to this 'jem' in the strongest possible font I can find! She hasn't heard the last from prissy Mr. McTangleweednoodle!"

A visibly stunned resident meandered down the street muttering, "Gloopy ... everything is all gloopy!" before slipping in a puddle and falling flat on her ass.

Princess Grace could not be reached for comment. jem could!

The Torment That Is TeaTime

Yeah, so I come barreling into TeaTime last night expecting to see a bunch of folk sitting around the table with their pinkies extended talking about chiffon or something. I was in such a damned rush that I forgot about the late work I was doing with the transmorgifier to make myself more appealing to MsGrace (I prey upon her weaknesses) that I came in as billywolf.

A fucking cake goes flying by my head splatting all over the wall.

The room is in chaos. MsReese had gotten into the medicine again and everyone was engaged in a massive food fight. When sissies go wild.

MsReese started talking about hunting me and I was explaining that it's not care bear season (October) but She's babbling about some sort of wolf and I'm taking refuge with sissygirl (sporting a delightful pair of Spiderman underoos I must say) but to no avail.

Asia is doing his damned best to keep the focus on me and getting MsReese whatever paddles She might need. jem came in at this point I think (she has an uncanny ability to appear when I'm about to get beaten) and I got my ass tanned.

I realized at this point that I was a wolf (a fucking hot as hell care bear wolf - bats eyes at MsGrace) and ducked out to the labs to transmorgify myself back.

Reentering the room as meek mild billybear (I can now see how my wolfish appearance may have gotten MsReese into a lather) I survey the wreckage. MsReese is still on something of a tear and she's eying my care bear bottom with unfeigned interest. Limbering up Her paddle (one wonders if MsTara was channeling) she's getting ready to spank me again, after covering me with cake frosting for some unspeakable perverted reason. As I'm draped over her knee I call for a point of order.

"Point of order?"

"Yes MsReese, if you check the SissySchool calendar you'll see today is 'beat jem' day, last week was 'beat billy' day"

jem started edging for the door at this point.

I said, "jem was right MsReese, you are feeling a tad ornery today."

MsReese seemed to go through a series of mood swings finally settling on 'pissed off' before having asia drag out this monster paddle called 'big mama.' A truly intimidating sight of pink leather horror.

"jem did you say I was 'ornery'?"

"No. I said You were ALWAYS ornery"

"Get your ass over here."

Then disaster struck. Life can be cruel. MsReese said, "Phone."

Jem immediately attacks me executing a beautiful triple back flip before her high heel catches on the couch sending her sprawling on the floor. About midway through her maneuver I go screaming across with room with a devastating flying sidekick missing her completely and slamming into wall.

Both of us spring to our feet. Neither of us know why we're fighting, something to do I guess. jem flies forward with a handless cartwheel ricochets off the couch and back flips through the window. I whip out my nunchucks, whip them around in a manner I saw in a Bruce Lee movie and promptly smack myself in the back of the head with the nasty little bastards. I black out.

As I'm coming too and jem, covered in glass and panting from racing back into the room, is declaring herself victor, Princess comes strolling in, popping gum, and sucking a blow-pop (of course). She's in the cutest pink party dress you've ever seen and casually eying the chaos in the room. She sticks her tongue out at me in hello, I return her greeting.

She's having difficulty believing jemmie started the attack so I decided to give her a little demo. Rapidly executing a spectacular sweep kick I miss jemmie pencil legs completely and accidentally sweep Princess off her feet.

She falls upon me like a rose pedal on a pond during a beautiful spring day. Her long brunette hair cascading down around me like feathers on the wind. Her eyes dilate in wanton lust, her lips inches from mine, her bated breath softly whispers, "oh my darling!" smelling like a cherry blow pop.

Then she notices I'm covered in chocolate frosting and so is her pretty pink dress. THANK YOU SO MUCH MSREESE!

She's off me like mittens on hot coals. I spring to my feet apologizing like a busted husband and offering to clean her dress. All she has to do is take it off and I'll clean it right up. She's irritated and saying, "no, no, no" and I'm feeling so gosh darn bad about it I'm pulling on the danged dress when the most horrible sound in the world erupts!

RRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!

Her dress comes clean off like a Benny Hill skit and she's doing that arms, elbows, legs thing trying to hide her pretty pink bra and what I mistook for underoos but turned out to be pink Princess panties. Princess is quite yummy.

While I'm standing there drooling and in bad need of a lobster bib, jem has battened onto the dress like a thirsty leech. She's burying her head into the thing and inhaling deep breaths like it's God's crack pipe. I'm trying to pry the fucking dress from her clammy, wanty needy fingers and both of us are shrieking, "Miiiinne" at the top of our lungs like those seagulls in Finding Nemo.

MsReese comes back in and plucks the dress from our hands, cleans it and sews it up and takes a taunting, teasing Princess behind a curtain to get dressed. All sorts of 'girl talk' comes from behind the curtain like, "Ummmmm I like it when you touch me there" and "ohhhh that does feel good!" All the stuff girls normally do when they're alone together. Naturally jem and I are curious. I try to peek under the curtain and bankyboo rats me out. Jem tries her Captain Crunch telescope over the curtain. MsReese, icing always at the ready, smears it over the lens.

All kinds of moans and giggling are coming from the other side of the curtain and my dear readers your faithful reporter can not tell you what was going on because of banky. So I'm clenching a Soup Ladle of Endless Suffering and stalking a wide eyed bankyboo while muttering about ratfink bastards when a half dressed, flushed Princess comes bolting around the curtain shrieking, "No one hurts MY bankyboo!!! Er, I mean MsGrace's bankyboo!!! She's um a friend of mine!"

So I'm somewhat mollified since I'm getting a view of those Princess undies again but unfortunately I have to leave. I'm still investigating a break in at the labs. You can read about the rest of a very fun Tea Time in bankyboo's blog, along with his take on what happened.

Thank you Princess! billybear sticks out his tongue :-)

Thank You MsReese! big billybear grin!

Me, after continuing my investigation for a bit I headed off to bed. I dreamed of rose pedals softly falling on a sunlit pond. soft smile

Princess Birthday Panic!

billybear snatches the phone up and sounding like an auctioneer shrieks, Hello? Princess! How nice you called I've been such a naughty billybear, yes I have! I want you to do that special needy thing. The one with the squirting and begging and bi ...

MOM?!

I told you I'd call you on Sunday!

In a blind rage billybear slams the phone down on mittens until she extends a paw disconnecting the line.

What's this? I simply do not need this happy crap right now!

A security breach in my very own labs! How can this bee, er be? Stupid transmorgifier after effect, mutters billybear while munching on a carrot, I've scanned the logs and there's a lot of unauthorized traffic by this non existent employee jewel_takenbyPrincessGrace.

Christ I hope it's not that rock singer again. It took me weeks to shake her last time. All the time out in front of the lab bleating, "Who will save your soul when it comes to the flower" What the holy hell does that mean? I thought she originally said, "when you cum on the flower" I could follow that reasoning! And she's what a multimillionaire? Get a dentist hello! Anyway after I ripped that fucking Martin out of her hands and smashed it Pete Townsend style I calmly explained to that weird Jesus freak that I have found my own salvation. Nah couldn't be her.

jem says she doesn't have any sisters... Who could it be?!

Anyway I only have five days to get Princess a prezzie and the roboMittens prototype pretty much blew my budget. That and those yummy calls! Mmmmmmm settle down my wookie, those back to back May calls are going to be here soon.

This gift must say 'billy' and I'm not seeing one dollah items on Her wish list. Oh woe, oh cruelest fate! A hair turban? That definitely doesn't say billy. I'm bald! Gotta think, I wuv Her so and want to make Her happy! I want it to be special.

Why are my clothes on the floor? Those are special May clothes. What's this? Someone has recently used the transmorgifier! My god if it's another thing ...

Tentavily billybear opens the transmorgifier door. The fake dry ice effect slowly clears to reveal what's inside.

Robomittens? What has Lucky Pet done to you? That fiend! Oh he'll pay for this!

What's that former roboMittens? That's a GREAT idea! She'll love you loooonnnnggg tiiiime. Oh mittens hush after all of roboMittens suffering at the hands of that monster it's only right she has found a home. Now purr dildoMittens. Good kitty! She can't say 'no no no' to that! You are soooo lucky! Oh that's funny, you're right she just might decide to use you on lucky-pet!

dildoMittens - home at last!