The Prophet MostHolyBilly having his next vision 'phoned in' by a very busy PrincessI was puttering around the house cleaning and what not when the phone rang. It was the Goddess Princess Grace!!!
"I'm sorry I can't appear personally but I'm really quite busy with last minute preparations for my girlie-girl vacation, grrrr!"
"It's always great to hear from you Goddess!"
"Why are you dressed like Lucy?"
"Ummmm ... you can see me?"
"I'm a Goddess half-wit, of course I can see you! Plus you left your webcam on again you little perv. If I hadn't just gotten out of the shower I'd let you see me," wicked giggles, "Oh we are soooo talking about this the next time you call! I suppose you want me to play Ricky," heavy Cuban accent, "Hoist that skirt and bend over Looocie, chew have some 'splaining to do! I Love Lucy loooonnnngg time!!!" Gales of laughter.
"Goddess, really that's unnecessary, this is just some sort of dream. I'm certain Freud could explain it!"
"Say it!" Giggling
"Say what Goddess?"
Silence on the phone line, I know what She wants to hear, sighing heavily and going very nasal, "Awwwww Ricky!"
Laughter followed by deep breaths while She tries get control, "Oh! Say it again! You're so cute!"
"Awwww Ricky!"
"Now why did you call me? I'm fucking busy as hell!"
My mind shuts down, I'm completely locked in a lose-lose situation. Meekly I reply, "You called me Goddess."
"Chew making fun of Me Looosie? Chew are aren't chew? Ricky doan like dat! Chew gonna be plenty loosie when Ricky done wit chew!"
"No Goddess, really! You phoned me!"
"OK then. I want you to take the pets into the desert while I'm on vacation."
"The desert?"
"Yes. I can't have all of you sitting around twiddling your, um, thumbs can I? You are to fast, think about only Me and have visions of Me. Upon my return I want to read in your blogs about your visions!"
"Suppose they don't want to go along?"
"Those that go into the fiery desert may touch, play and edge, but NO CUMMIES! Those that remain may not even touch and have to think about Me while staring at their wanty needy boners. All must listen to my MP3s daily! Those that blog of their visions shall please Me. You do want to please Me don't you?"
"Oh my yes!!! Fasting though?"
"Look, I got another pound and a half to go here! DO YOU WANT ME TO SUFFER ALONE while I'm getting massages from my girl friends and laying about in the hot sun by the pool, actually having to wait for the waiter to bring me another drink? I didn't think so! So no Oreos for you, only salads and healthy nutritious snacks like Ovaltine and oatmeal until my return. Does this strap-on make me look fat? Oh I forgot, you can't see me, never mind." Giggling.
"We can't just drink Ovaltine Goddess, that would be yucky in the desert!"
"You drink it? Well fuck that. No you may only hydrate with Electric Princess Pink Kool-Aid! Forget the Ovaltine."
"That's pretty powerful stuff!"
An exasperated sigh fills the phone line, "Look all of you are to have visions, RIGHT?! Drink the Electric Pink, drop mescaline, fast, eat peyote, smoke pot, drink whiskey, NOT ALL AT ONCE BILLYBEAR! The point is do whatever will aid you or the other pets in having visions! I want to read in your blogs about how much you missed Me while I was gone. Is that too much to ask?!"
"No Goddess"
"Sheesh I wish I could pick My prophets at times, Lucky would have had this done in about three sentences! So repeat back what you're to do My pet and don't make a book out of it!"
"Take the pets into the desert with MP3 players filled with Your voice, take salads, electric pink kool-aid and healthy snacks, fast and have visions of You. Stroke, edge and think only of You! Record our visions in our blogs before Your return for You to read! No cummies."
"That's it!"
"Um Princess, I sort of like to think of You when I'm uh alone ... worshiping You ..."
"OH MY GOD! I am not talking about some sort of weird circle jerk here Prophet BillyBear! Although now that you mention it I am sorely tempted to have all of you around the campfire, little MP3 players in your ears all moaning and edging in front of each other whacka-whacka-whacka. It's almost a visual worth holding! No! No! No! Each pet shall worship me in a manner of their own perversion in privacy!"
I emit a huge sigh of relief!
"Now My Prophet, GO FORTH AND DO MY BIDDING!"
The line went dead, I resumed dusting until I awoke this morning and wrote this entry.
We have much to do! The Goddess has spoken!
Prophet of the Goddess Princess Grace
MostHolyBilly the First
Church of the Everlasting Motherfucking Princess Grace
OK, i'm not so sure the idea of billy as leader of the group is such a great idea but . . . hmmm,
ReplyDeletestroking and edging, thinking of Princess, listening to mp3's, blogging, i can do all those things.
"You are to fast"
billy, are you sure Princess didn't say "you are too fast"? i've had women say that to me before but it had nothing to do with not eating.
OK, i'm not so sure the idea of billy as leader of the group is such a great idea but
ReplyDeleteWell then start having visions my man! Anyway what gives you pause banky? Were you ever a Boy Scout? Well neither was I! and anyway we don't need much, it's the desert after all and we'll only be out there for three or four days. What could go wrong?
billy, are you sure Princess didn't say "you are too fast"?
::smile:: Yeah she's never said that to me banky, but then again I will never have the pleasure of being in physical proximity of Her. Believe you me I want my Princess calls to last a good long time! That I can make last :-)
I have to say, MsTara INC fully approves of fool-hardy treks into the desert based on the quasi-religious feverish mumblings of a whackdoodle perverted carebear. Just remember the nutritious supplements I recommended in addition to the KoolAid and healthy snacks.
ReplyDeletebased on the quasi-religious feverish mumblings of a whackdoodle perverted carebear
ReplyDeleteWith Elfish blood for an extra dash of mysticism!
I have to say, MsTara INC fully approves of fool-hardy treks into the desert
SEE!!! We have the backing of two major Mistresses now! We're bound to succeed. Look MsGrace didn't say anything but that always means yes! She certainly didn't say no!
Just remember the nutritious supplements I recommended
Giant wintergreens and ... poptarts?
::shakes head:: the big wintergreen Lifesavers (tm) and Werther's Original(tm) hard candies. Chocolate would melt, unforunately, because leftover chocolate Easter Bunnies would be the perfect symbolic food for this trek.
ReplyDelete