The Wastelands: Night of Debauchery

The first night was pretty easy. We decided not to attempt any visions. The next day was tougher, going weary mile after weary mile up and down the dunes. The heat was incredible, sucking the will to live from us.

Near dusk we reach a good place to camp, near the top of another dune. This time we disperse our tents for privacy so we can worship in the manner of our own perversions. Jem places hers the furthest away since she says she gets a little noisy.

I dump out a bunch of vision enhancers which everyone but Lucky demurely passes on ("no thanks billybear, Electric Pink is more than enough") I ration out the Electric Princess Pink Kool-Aid. I'm a little worried about the kool-aid since we've only got four or so gallons left and at least another two days in the desert. With careful rationing we should be fine.

We each say goodnight and I drag my goodie bag off to my tent. On my way to the tent I pop the three peyote buttons, a little mescaline, swig down about half the bottle of black jack and chase it with my shot of Electric Pink. Just priming the vision pump. I dump a bunch of ether on the towels I put in the tent, zip it up and let it start filling with fumes. I sit outside the tent, light a doob and watch darkness fall across the desert. I pop a big wintergreen Lifesaver into my mouth to clear the palate before biting down watching my mouth light up like the Fourth of July.

Heeeyyyy ... how can I see my own mouth? Cool! Maybe the vision enhancers are taking hold.

Finishing the joint, I smoke a cig for good measure (that monkey is always demanding a meal) before crawling into the either filled tent. It's vision time!

I'm feeling sort of funny, a loss of motor control. Why? Oh yeah the either! It takes about a half hour to get the ear buds in and push the right button on the iPod. I put it on 'random' and finally I lay back listening to Princess's wisdom flow directly into my brain. She's speaking the deepest of truths! It really is a good idea to edge and not cum. I love being her stroke slave! I do this repeatedly and the first MP3 ends.

I skip over Glory Hole, I don't think anyone would appreciate me cutting a hole in their tent with my survival knife and start making unreasonable demands. Always wanted to hang with the tri-delts though those chicks know how to party, Princess style!

Uh-oh 'Busted' the twenty minute one about the step-sister and her cheer-leading friend Missy comes on! I tear through my backpack looking for a pair of panties to be caught with, oh! and I need a dildo. DRAT! I have neither, I really should have prepared better for this. Tears of remorse run down my face. What to do?

Jem! Jem will have an extra pair of panties! And I'm certain banky will have an additional dildo or three I can borrow! The iPod falls to the tent floor as I crawl into the desert night.

The Prophet billybear nervously steps into the desert night

When did it get so cold? And the dunes are flowing across the desert floor like ocean waves and I don't have a boat! Fucking banky! It's his fault, I spent hours trying to convince him to carry a canoe with us. He could have used it as a hat against the sun and now that I need one ... sheesh!

I'm intently studying the wave motion trying to remember where jem pitched her tent when I see it roll up and crest, lit like a perverted disco ball, before sinking back into the dunes. I stumble off towards it the waves making me a little seasick. Walking on water dunes is hard even for a prophet such as myself!

As I near the tent all sorts of horrible sounds are coming from it! My god is jem being attacked by another one of those mutant beavers she's always babbling about?! I rush to the tent, rip open the flap and say, "jem! Do you have an extra pair of panties I'm listening to that ..."

jem locked deep into Princess worship

"Um ... I'll check with banky, never mind." I quietly close the tent flap thanking the Lord that she didn't notice me. As I'm battling the surf, heading to banky's tent the little Keebler Elves are trying to convince me that maybe it's a good idea to leave banky alone. After all things didn't go so well with jemmie plus banky can't even stroke. They grow silent after I bury their leader up to his neck in the sand, cover him with honey and leave him for the fire ants.

You would not believe the amount of wild life that comes out in the desert night. I saw the Starship Enterprise in low orbit locked in mortal combat with the borg. Bambi and Thumper went by spewing their usual gloomy bullshit ... all sorts of stuff.

Banky's tent is silent as a tomb. There's a figure outside, I cautiously approach. All looks well, I round the corner, "Hey banky I'm listening to ..."

bankyboo locked deep in Princess worship

"... do you have any ... oh forget it!" OK, that was weird! That cage takes its toll mentally I guess. I head to lucky's tent maybe he has some of the stuff I need. Approaching his tent I hear a bunch of furtive giggling, humming, what sounds like water and digging. He seems to be muttering, "The altar must be perfect!" over and over again. Well he's obviously busy.

Despondently I head back to my tent after getting directions from Baltar who's looking for six.

As I crawl back into the tent I begin to wonder if I am actually a prophet. I've heard nothing from the Goddess but then again she's on vacation. I light a cig and begin to ponder the situation.

The resulting explosion sends the tent launching into the night sky pinwheeling and flaming like a North Korean missile launch. All my body hair is singed off and the resulting loss of oxygen causes me to black out.

Harsh sunlight pours through my eyelids and I wince in sun and flash burned pain as someone shakes my shoulder. I see both lucky and banky standing there with jugs in their hands. The desert sun has done quite a number on them, one glance at those two and I know we should get out of the desert as quickly as possible.

Got Kool-Aid?

"billybear, do you have any kool-aid? I need it for the altar!"

"We should have some in the stores, lucky, but don't use too much we're running low. Altar? What are you sacrificing?"

"I already used that! Do you have any more? And why do you look like an enormous chihuahua? What happened to your fur, and your tent for that matter?"

I find some sunscreen and cover myself with that, get dressed in my remaining clothes which consists of a tattered robe and sandals, grab my walking stick and feed lucky nothing but silence until he explains this altar business.

"Oh you've got to see it!"

I follow him and banky off towards lucky's tent. It really is quite a piece of work.

Lucky's altar

"What's up with the horses?"

"Those aren't horses, those are ponies, I like ponies! I made them green with food coloring! And I made Princess into a mermaid because I've been thinking a lot about water lately."

"What are you going to do with this altar?"

"Oh, I'm gonna fuck Her!"

"Well that shell is going to hurt."

"That's what I need the water for, so when I take Her shell off I can mold a most realistic pussy and keep it lubed!"

I look around at all the empty kool-aid jugs scattered about the desert. "So, we have no more water or kool-aid and you need just a little more to finish your altar?"

"That's why I came to you, make it rain right into our jugs and no where else prophet billybear! Come on do a rain dance!"

I smile sadly at lucky and shake my head no, "I'm not that sort of prophet. We better break camp and try and make it out of here. We have no water and two days of desert to cross. Piece of cake!"

That first day was bad, the second day was worse.