The Wastelands: Off We Go!

We assemble at the edge of the desert. Coated in the latest sunscreen invented by billybear labs we're ready to roll! It's vision quest time! Right before we leave banky comes shuffling up, caged. He shyly kicks the ground in front of him and says, "Even though I can't stroke I'd like to tag along and maybe get a vision from the Goddess."

"Cool beans!"

Banky happily applies his sunscreen and we head off on our great adventure!

From left to right: the prophet billybear, jem, pantysue, lucky the cantaloupe, and bankyboo the leprechaun head off on their vision quest

We go about thirty feet before hitting our first snag. pantysue pulls out her satellite phone and within minutes a limousine pulls up as she hops in she says, "It's far too hot and you guys are already a little stinky so I'll just follow along in the limo, OK?" Before we can say anything the bullet proof window rolls up and the limo pulls away.

I'm frantically studying the desert survival guide, doing some last minute brushing up since MsGrace suddenly made me responsible for keeping these precious pets of Hers alive and this thing is no longer a voluntary suicide mission. I'm just glad my survival knife came in time cause now I'm The Prophet BillyRambo the First and everyone is much more calm when I'm armed. Not sure why that is but when I start waving a forty-five or a knife around the room gets real quiet.

"Hey guys it says here in the survival guide that if we get low on water we can open a vein in banky and drink his blood! I was worried about that."

"Um billy?"

"What banky? What?!"

"I'm not real keen on being bled for emergency water rations."

"Well who would be? You're the FNG (Fracking New Guy) and so you really don't get much of a say. And look it's not really gonna be a problem, no one here is named Donner and we have plenty of water, it's not like we're going to chew it up building sandcastles - sheesh!"

We trudge on through the wastelands sipping our kool-aid. Jem blurts out, "It's been thirty minutes already, anyone have a vision yet? I mean it's fucking hot as hell out here, come on vision!"

Lucky says, "I had a vision, now I have a vision of me in that limo!" before bolting for pantysue's limo which the driver expertly keeps just out of lucky's reach before lucky finally collapses in exhaustion.

When the three pets march by lucky calls out, "Aren't you gonna carry me you bastards?" billybear reminds him that stroking is permitted on the vision quest. Lucky staggers to his feet and gamely trudges on.

Not even forty minutes into the ordeal cracks are appearing among the pets. Four hours later they reach the edge of the dunes. pantysue had pulled away with the limo and the driver was dumping out the backpacks and camping gear along with supplies, munching on a chocolate sundae pantysue calls out, "I'm really sorry but this is as far as the limo can go, so here's your stuff. I'm heading back for a pedicure and a business meeting. I'll try and chopper in later, this vision quest is quite important to me! Toodles!"

The remaining pets get dressed, shoulder their backpacks and begin to head up the dune when the limo comes screaming up, the door opens and lucky is shoved out onto the blistering sand.

"Nice try lucky, what gave you away?"

"Porno, it's betrayed me many times. I was trying to get a better view of what was on the screen when she caught me peering out from among the shoe boxes," Lucky shrugs.

They begin trudging up the first of what would be many dunes. The real work just beginning.