A Monstrous Act of Perversion!

It has come to the attention of billybear labs that roboMittens has been kitten napped by mysterious, powerful pet Lucky!

"Frankly I'm stunned," said a distraught billybear, "I left them in the room alone together because Lucky had this robo-curious look on his face. He was muttering something about needing a new buttplug or maybe it was smut bug whatever that means. Anyway roboMittens kept batting her eyes and typing 'Hello Sailor' over and over so, you know, I left them alone."

"This type of industrial espionage is completely uncalled for! I mean, what's he want it for if not robo-love?"

"Well I'll open with 'five dollah' and not a penny higher!" While negotiations continue billybear swore to think of ways to annoy Lucky Pet, "I'm pretty sure there are some undocumented 'features' installed on that unit that may bug him," said a pensive billybear while pouring over schematics.

Severe Flooding Expected in Texas!

Billybear Emergency Network

This is not a test. The Texas National Guard has been placed at level one readiness for flooding throughout the Texas region and neighboring gulf states. FEMA has been notified and all hands are at the ready for this potential disaster.

"We're currently unsure of exactly how much flooding to expect," said a local man on the scene while piling sandbags around his home, "my understanding is it could be quite severe!"

Word escaped today that an individual named 'jem' has received a package most likely containing a key to Princess Grace's CB2000 and that her call with THE Motherfucking Princess is "imminent." Jem is forbidden to open the package until she has Princess on the phone.

Cord Walker stated, "Once that package is open we expect all Holy Hell to break loose" before delivering a series of rapid body punches and a nasty side kick to a nearby reporter for no apparent reason. "I'm a little tense," was all he would say.

"I'd dearly love to sit in on this call and pray," said Father Pestrackioakly, "but my repeated requests have been turned down. All I get back is, 'Call Her yourself!' So I will be praying at church that this potential disaster wont be too severe, but we're waaay over forty days here and we all know what happened that time!"

"Well jem could be denied," said an unidentified 'pet' from the Kool-Aid camp, "MsGrace is kinda moody about that sort of stuff, only She knows for sure! I just hope we don't have another Katrina on our hands! ... 'on our hands' eeeewwwwww!!!"

Another pet wasn't at all hopeful. He was frantically consulting the bible while gluing together an ark out of Popsicle sticks, "Ohhhh this is gonna be a bad one, I can feel it! How big is a cubit? Genesis 6:15 tells me to build an ark 300 X 50 X 30 cubits but I have no idea how big a cubit is, can anyone tell me??!!! I need to make sure it's big enough to hold all my porn and naughty stuff. Purging is expensive and fucking Allstate wont cover it."

Everyone in the gulf region is instructed to seek higher ground should severe flooding occur.

Princess Grace could not be reached for comment.

Hangin' with Banky

Keys sound in the lock and a door somewhere in the house creaks open.

A furtive "shit" escapes a panicked billybear's lips. He's in quite a pickle! What started as a harmless prank as escalated into something that will most likely require serious explanation and high priced attorneys. MsGrace isn't gonna like this.

billybear carefully picks up the keyboard he's glued his hands to and a mewling mittens equally stuck to the keyboard. His frantic eyes dart around the office. As he hears footsteps approach he crouches under the desk, still as death.

Bankyboo strolls by without a glance, taking off his sports coat on his way to his bedroom. Various noises can be heard, then the sound of one of MsGrace's MP3s comes softly from the bedroom followed by scrabbling noises and frustrated grunts.

A box of Q-Tips slams into the hallway wall causing mittens to bury her claws into billybear's paws! billybear screams in pain. The unmistakable sound of a shotgun being chambered can be heard.

A robed bankyboo, shotgun aimed squarely at billybear appears in the office doorway.

"Banky! It's me billybear! I can explain everything!!!"

A quiet southern drawl, "I'm listening."

"It was ace's and jem's idea!!!"

nervous giggle, can't wring paws ...

A Better Public Service Announcement!

RoboMittens (Hello Kitty Model 2530) is about to enter mass production to replace billybear's kitten. If you want to stop this travesty and continue production of life giving Kaballowmittenithiazone please vote 'No' to Proposition CB3000!

This public service announce brought to you by the objective, dispassionate billybear labs!

My Yummy Friday Princess Call - Help Me!!!

I confess to having been somewhat intimidated when Princes put in Her blog:

I also had an amazing call with billybear! I have never laughed so hard in all My life. lmaoooo I am wondering...will this weeks date be just as good? Oh you don't think I think this way too? Oh yes boys and girlies, its not only you people that wonder, can it be as good as that again?? lol Each time is good...but some just stand out!!! So will find out this Friday....but have a wonderful feeling about it!!!!!

I mentally thought hmmmm. Last weeks call would be tough to top. I posted my brave little comment that I would bring it and thought no more about it really. It will happen or it wont but I think Princess has highly developed intuition. Anyway from this pet's perspective I thought this most recent Friday date was just as good, I would be unable to tell you which one was better. I hope it was from Princess's point of view also! I can state that we both laughed very hard and enjoyed ourselves very much! We ran over time we were having so much fun so unfortunately (billybear glares at his stupid RealWorld budget) there will be no call for me next week. I have to tell you now that I would not trade a minute of this call however, not one minute! Talk to me this Friday the 4th and I may be singing a different tune - LOL - But I'll just close my eyes and think back on this call and giggle, if not laugh out loud reliving it. It was that much fun!

OK, bankyboo is right. This is my blog to share the particulars of my choosing. We spoke a lot about the upcoming May calls.

First I'm lousy about keeping some secrets. I've been working on Princess's prezzie all week and I just couldn't keep it to myself. So, much to my shame I shared bits and pieces of it with Her. I'm kinda glad I did because you should of heard the gales of laughter I got when she heard some of what I was intending. I just hope I can cowboy up and actually deliver the gift now that I know what She's intending to do with it :-)

Princess is deeply conflicted! You, my gentle readers should help on which set of inappropriate attire billybear should wear when cavorting about in his back yard. So I'm asking for your take, please vote in the comment section. These are tough choices!

1) billybearBumbleBee
2) billybearEasterBunny
3) mutantBillybearBunnyBee

Princess Grace of course has the right over rule any suggestions and as a former Boy Scout I should be prepared with either costume when the phone rings but please, cast your vote if you wanna! Will I hop hop hop picking up eggs (more on this in a minute) or buzz buzz buzz picking up pollen (eggs)?

The eggs. Boy did I make a mistake with that one! A whole lot of laughing went on over the stupid fucking eggs by both of us. I said, "Wouldn't it be fun if only one of the eggs contained the message 'you may cum' and I had to hop around looking until I found it?"

She liked that idea!

Now let me give you the general layout of the back yard. I live in a typical suburban neighborhood so the houses are close together, but there are trees, and bushes and decks and landscaping. I suspect MsGrace intends to call me in the dead of night, when it's nice and dark. I'm to take the eggs and chuck them out into the yard before hopping or buzzing after them.

Since I'll be attired in a manner that would be difficult to explain to a neighbor much less a police officer stealth will be a major consideration. So I can't really use a flashlight to find the little bastards (who knows what fellow insomniac might be hopping about in his backyard under the careful guidance of MsKate) or turn on the house lights. I don't plan on making some pansy pile of eggs that's easy to get either. What's the fun in that? This is suppose to be fun for both of us and if you can form the mental picture of me with big rabbit ears and a cotton tail hopping about the back yard with a cordless phone plastered to my ear frantically picking up eggs you get the gist of some of the chuckling that was going on with us.

Now I'll know how many eggs are out there and can't go back inside until they are all collected. In other words I can't stop once I find 'the golden egg' gotta catch 'em all!

Princess chimed in with. "OH! OH! I have a great idea!"

"What?"

"I can't tell you, it wouldn't work anyway" She said sounding kinda sad about it.

"What?!!!"

"Well I was thinking besides the egg that contained the relief you will so desperately need and I guarantee you, you will be motivated," wicked giggle, "it would be fun if the other eggs had 'tasks' you had to complete before you got your cummies."

Logistically we knew that I couldn't mail Her the eggs and expect them back before the call. What to do? Either of these methods would work. She can write down the list and email it to me double spaced and I will print it, fold it lengthwise and cut them up and put them into the eggs. I wont look, again because of the fun thing.

Or after I've recovered the eggs as I open them She can tell me over the phone what my task is.

Some of you recall from my past where I foolishly issued a public challenge to MsGrace. If I could keep from cumming for thirty minutes then I won, if She got me off before then, then She won. The looser had to sing to the winner I'm a Little Teapot. I happily sang loud and long to our giggling Princess!

What I most fondly recall other than the actual call itself was all of the 'help' I got from my gentle readers. I'm certain some of you could suggest to Princess a task billybear must complete before being allowed release. Just keep in mind there are time considerations here so 'wear a cock cage for forty days' is out of the question jem. But even with that limitation you PALS of mine should be able to come up with something Princess might consider.

The suggestions will have to be emailed to Her since I'm not suppose to know. You know Her email address, I wont put it here to have some spambot scarf up. Give it a subject line of "billybear task" and we'll see what happens :-)

Some random comments from a wonderful call.

"Oh! billybear wouldn't it be fun if you toilet papered your neighbors house?!"

"How about I get a paper bag filled with dog poop, light it, ring the doorbell a million times and waddle off?"

"billyeeee ... do you own a trampoline?"
::dead silence::
"Oh you do!!! You doooo!!!" laughter
"Actually my next door neighbor does"
"That'll work" gales of laughter

So I have little craft projects to perform involving hot glue guns, cardboard and rabbit ears or bee antenna. Other little knickknacks purchase or acquire, I can't recall all of it but I'll touch base with MsGrace as needed. I hope there's as much laughter and fun in our back to back May calls as there was in these last two!

To be honest, I'm not AT ALL worried and I'll betcha, neither is She.

Thanks for a wonderful time Princess Grace, I hope you had as much fun as I did! soft smile

First Half of billybear's Fantastic Friday!

This is the first post (of two so settle down) about my wonderful Friday. The lead in to another incredible call with Princess Grace! In this post I talk about TeaTime with MsReese then FreakyFriday. Both events were fun, fun, fun!

TeaTime with a Piece of MsReese

I bolted into this late around 7PM or so but was very relieved to see the party still going on. MsReese was our hostess since tree-hugger MsTara caught wind that some whale had beached near San Francisco and went tearing off to Florida to show Her support. She was last heard shouting at a crowd of well wishers, "I refuse to stop dancing, drinking, sunning and eating at five star restaurants until that poor creature is returned to the ocean!"

I had stupidly forgotten to check the TeaParty event calendar. If I had I would have noticed that it was 'Beat Billy Senseless" day. Oh well, I would have gone anyway, just in a suit of armor. I enter the room and take my seat next to jem. Jem smiles, pours me a cup of tea and then with this I've been in this fucking cage too long look on her face, picks up the nearly full teapot and slowly pours it on my lap.

I briefly ponder my chances of winning a McDonald's like lawsuit as the scalding liquid soaks through my fur. As a pure reflex action and completely out of my control, I calmly and deliberately pick up a Salad Serving Fork of Extreme Sorrow and taking careful aim slam it deeply into jem's mid-thigh in an uncontrollable attempt to show my annoyance. Involuntarily I wiggle the handle back and forth to the beat of I'm a Little Teapot smirking at jem's well timed "Owwws."

Then the ungodly pain reached my cerebral cortex and I leaped back in a poorly timed maneuver to avoid retaliation from singing jem. MsReese was wheeling by some unpronounceable monstrous cake with these freshly lit sparklers that brushed my fur turning me into a care bear torch.

I add to the festivities by running in circles around the table screaming for help. From my perspective it took quite awhile for MsReese to locate the fire extinguisher but you know how time dilates when you're having fun.

I seem to have attracted the attentions of someone named "StaphMarie" (and yes StephMarie the typo is deliberate since I'm annoyed with you :-)) who spent her time with me inventing new horrors to heap upon meek mannered billybear. Shoving, kicking and stapling hapless billybear were not above Miss StaphMarie. I can only assume that the smell of burnt care bear, which in all honestly doesn't exactly smell like peach blossoms, irritated her in some manner.

In an act of kindness, great humanitarian that She is, MsReese duct taped me to a chair so that I might avoid further injury. Her altruism has been noted for future retaliation, er, thanks. I really must do something special for Her to show my gratitude.

Princess showed up about that time. If there's anyone who could entice me from MsGrace it's that little hottie but she doesn't like me very much and is always sticking her tongue out at me. She begins covorting about the room and eventually she and MsReese get all naked and dance and play with others. Me I can't really relay much of what went on since I was covered in a blanket by my new gal-pal StaphMarie. I heard plenty though. It sounded like a great time! Wish I could tell you more! Thanks to pothead for pulling the towel off at one point so I got a peek at MsReeses and Princess's naughty bits before StaphMarie (I do love her so!) through the blanket back on me.

I managed eventually to free myself. Burned, fur patched from the duct tape and scalded nether regions I took my leave from Princess and MsReese. I needed to clean up and nap. My call with MsGrace was only hours away and my excitement was building!

MsReese will be guest hosting next weeks TeaTime, Friday at 6PM Eastern. I certainly will try to make it particularly if it runs long. Don't tell but the TeaTime Event Calendar has penciled in 'Beat jem Day' - I hope jem can make it! I tell you, get a little caffeine in these sissys and they PARTY. Thanks to MsReese and Princess for a lot of fun!

A Coven of Perversion

Bathed, rested and raring to go I note othe time and decide to have some fun at MsAva's and MsVeronica's FreakyFriday which is held at 11PM Eastern on Fridays while waiting for my MsGrace IM indicating it's time for our call.

I decide to further stymie my arch-nemesis Corruptrix by changing my name to BillyThePure. No way that little harlot will mess with me when I'm sporting that moniker!

I pop into the room and my jaw hits the floor. Standing before me in shimmery majestic beauty are MsAva, MsVeronica, MsRachel and MsGrace!!! I greet the room with, "Well for shits sake!" and follow that alluring line with "A veritable Coven of Perversion!" MsAva liked that line and if She wants to use it, well I don't mind.

I'm dumbfounded! You normally don't see the room that packed with Mistresses unless there's some sort of marathon going on. Coolies!

MsGrace told me during our call that She had entered the room because some yahoo had been operating under the moniker Ms-Grace and was trying to fool people. That's not nice and for the record if they're not in a crown or at the top of the screen they are not a Mistress and should be ignored if they're pretending to be one.

MsGrace is trying to get a handle on what's going on at FreakyFriday and having some of the same confusion I had a few weeks ago. I can almost literally feel Her mental shrug of 'fuck it' let's play. This kind of gig is definitely something MsGrace enjoys and She asked if She could stay. MsAva and MsVeronica both said yes. I expect in the future, because She doesn't want to be too disruptive, She will probably pop in under a different name and play. I know She had fun because FreakyFriday is fun.

On a side note I hope someone will start blogging this event! All the havoc that goes on there is worth recording and more importantly you, gentle reader, should go!

MsGrace has donned a Little Red Riding Hood outfit, demurely changing in a dressing room unlike that little hussy Princess. She looks quite fetching.

MsAva, MsVeronica and MsGrace begin tempting victim into the new and improved pit. Victim bravely fought these temptresses by stripping, grabbing his boner and charging the Ladies screaming, "Take me, take me noooowww." Too easy. I had no idea victim was such a slut, rolls eyes.

Corruptrix has turned her attentions on pothead realizing I'm too good an pure for her to tangle with. In fact I'm kinda being ignored so I'll probably enter next time as billyVictim, or billySlut, or maybe billyFastAndEasy. I haven't decided yet. It doesn't matter, my call is nigh upon but I need to get MsGrace out of the room.

Someone needs to talk to Corruptrix about her shoes. I tried but she wont listen to me, me being pure of heart and all. Her powers have grown and she's levitating poor pothead towards the pit and MsAva or MsVeronica (sorry can't recall) is inviting folk to goose him as he floats by. I pass.

MsGrace is skipping around the woods and peering out behind trees keeping a careful eye out for big bad wolves.

Corruptrix has started to lower hapless pothead into the pit and setting him on 'spin' he begins to rotate.

My wookie is raging and I've had enough so most of the blood has left my brain and flooded southward. I have to do something, something naughty! So I really can't tell you poor pothead's fate.

I reenter the room as billyWolfe. Princess Grace catches sight of me and tears off screaming down the woods! I frantically waddle after her as fast as I can panting away. She rolls Her eyes and slows down until I hop on a nearby trike and tear after her, cackling like a fiend! That gets her going! We both exit the room.

My call with Princess is about to begin!

Did Someone Say Poem War?!

Throughout cyberspace, to the marshal beat of iambic pentameter, a distant cry is heard, "Poem Warrrrrrrrrrr!"

Well if there's one thing I can't avoid it's a good poem war, it is my only vice after all. Now I submitted my entry to Princess in email because, well, I listened to ace's instructions. Yes, yes I know, I've made that mistake more than once. But in my defense I only partially listened since looking up MsKate's email address was not easy to do at work :-) Anyway I doubt I'm eligible since I can't attend this particular party but thought I might as well share my little poem.

Mighty Like a Rose

Nearly every Friday late at night
A window pops open to my delight
Pretty pink cursive fills the screen
"Are you ready to laugh, giggle and scream?"

My heart is pounding as I punch redial
and I start to reflect on my daily trials
She shoves these aside with a happy giggle
and burrowing into my mind She starts to wiggle

She knows me quite well, over time we've grown close
She squashes my woes, no pet of Hers morose!
As my blues move down from my mind to my balls
She happily teases, taunts and catcalls

"I am what I am," softly I say
She gleefully replies, "I wouldn't have you any other way!"
Princess Grace is my friend, confident and joy
Happily I play, Her billybear toy

Whimpering, begging, pleading I moan
At last, "Cum for Me My pet" I hear from the phone
So there you have it my friends and foes
With Her in my life, I stand Mighty ... like a rose

billybear playground trike

Princess has just posted Her Stylin' Internet Rides on Her blog. I was particularly enamored with Her trike and decided to get one for myself. So I um borrowed one of Her shoes (so yummy) and transmorgified it! What do you think? Overkill? I think not!!!

Billybear off to the playgound!
(thanks to ace for the blackmail pic!!! whatever that means)

Thank You Princess Grace!

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Transmorgifier Help Desk ...

The following calls were logged at the transmorgifier help desk of billybear labs starting at 1:10AM on the 25th of April, 2007

A man with a heavily accented Indian accent answers, "Help desk, Hridayesh Vikramendra speaking, how may I assist you Mr. Mansion?"

"Mr. Mansion?"

"Yes our caller ID indicates this call is coming from Ace Mansion. I just assumed you were a transmorgified house having difficulties settling. My most humble and forlorn apologies if I was mistaken!"

garbled muttering - click - the line goes dead

"Help desk, Hridayesh Vikramendra speaking, how may I assist you Blocked Caller Person?"

"um yeah, I'm not the guy who just called. Oh! The caller ID is blocked, silly me! My name is Ace ... er .. manga ... kate ... mon ... mon, yeah ..."

"Mr. Acermangakatemonmon, such negative thoughts never crossed my mind sir! You Americans all sound the same to me anyway."

"Well I have a hypothetical question or two ... let's just say, for the sake of argument, that someone, you know like my cousin Jimmy, cloned them-self and shoved the clone into a transmorgifier and turned it into well, a care bear tiger. There wouldn't be any um side effects would there?"

"The subject was wearing an avocado helmet of course, hypothetically speaking"

"No"

Sputtering, "Dear sweet Vishnu please tell me the subject was coated in transmorgifier solution!"

"No"

"Then Mr. Acermangakatemonmon the harmonic dissonance in the s-band endoentropic shells will set up a Ribbontrop effect. It's quite irreversible. Your cousin will eventually become a tiger care bear! We must all thank whatever gods we worship that this is a hypothetical case!"

"Yeah ..."

"Why are you crying?!"

"From relief that this is a hypothetical case."

The sound of thwipp thwipp thwipp comes from the phone.

"Mr. Acermangakatemonmon, what is that noise?"

"I'm just licking my paws, er, my hands! Everybody does it!!!"

"I assure you Mr. Acermangakatemonmon I do not!"

"So there's nothing that can be done?"

"Well there's a maintenance drug recently developed by billybear labs that will at least halt the process. Unfortunately you will have to take it for the rest of your life or until a cure is found."

Mr. Acermangakatemonmon's voice fills with hope, "There is?! What's it called?"

"Oh Mr. Acermangakatemonmon it's quite expensive and not covered by any insurance plan since it's experimental. It's called 'Kaballowmittenithiazone'"

"Kaballowmittenithiazone? Can you spell it?"

"Mr. Acermangakatemonmon I hold seven Phds and two masters, I most assuredly assure you that I can spell it! You offend me sir!"

"No offense, please, can you spell it for me because I can not."

"Oh, of course. 'K' as in pillow"

A ten second pause is noted on the tape.

"There is no 'K' in pillow!!!!"

"Can you speak Rajasthani Mr. Acermangakatemonmon? Because I simply must state in the most simple way that there is a 'K' in pillow in Rajasthani!!! It would be simpler if you went to the billybear labs URL for the spelling."

"OK, I'll do that. Can you tell me anything more about Kaballowmittenithiazone?"

"It's a suppository in the shape of an aneros. Mr. billybear was most adamant about that as the delivery mechanism for the precious Kaballowmittenithiazone. It's to be taken only when engaged in conversation with one's Mistress. You do have a Mistress don't you Mr. Acermangakatemonmon?"

"You bet I do!!! So how do I get this Kaballowmittenithiazone? Cost is no problem!"

"You can not get Kaballowmittenithiazone, all production of this precious drug has ceased I'm most humbly sorry to inform you."

"WHAT??!!!"

"Oh yes, you see kaballow can only be extracted from a gland in Mr. billybear's imaginary kitten, Mittens. To date all attempts to synthesize this drug have failed. Unfortunately certain nameless scoundrels have introduced proposition CFE-CB3000 which eliminates all research on imaginary cats. Your hypothetical cousin is stuck I'm afraid and will slowly turn into a tiger care bear. Who would propose such monstrous legislation Mr. Acermangakatemonmon?"

Coughing, "I have no idea!"

"Is there anything else I can help you with Mr. Acermangakatemonmon?"

"Would having the overwhelming taste of Bisquick powder in their mouth be an indicator of harmonic dissonance?"

"Mr. Acermangakatemonmon, this is not a phone-sex line. If you like having the overwhelming taste of Bisquick powder in your mouth that is no business of mine sir! Thank you and good day sir!!!"

[call terminated by Mr. Vikramendra]

Yesterday's Tomorrow Today

Mittens stirs on billybear's lap. Suddenly her ears twitch, claws extend deeply into billybear's crotch and she shrieks out a panicked, "MEEEOOOOWWW MEOW MEoeooeow!"

Motherfucker that hurt mittens! I'm gonna get your ass de-clawed, I SWEAR IT!

What did you say? lbb is in trouble? He's caught in a temporal vortex and can't escape the pony people and he needs to stroke?!

My God!

Mittens and billybear rush to the lab, the cloud car slamming into the side of the building, unable to stop.

Over the static filled hyper intra-temporal radio lbb's voice can be dimly heard, "Help me Spock ... I mean billybear ... help me" Suddenly lbb blinks into existence before a startled billybear, his arms outstretched, beseeching. Then he's gone.

"My heavens that was fucking cool," screams billy bear. He frantically races over to the photonigenerator and begins powering up the generators, "Mittens get on the hamster wheel and WORK IT GIRL!"

He points the photonigenerator where lbb last appeared and waits. Suddenly lbb appears again and billybear blasts him with all 300 terawatts of photonic energy.

lbb calmly stands before billybear, restored, complete and looking a little wanty and needy.

"Well? Were you successful?" a curious billybear asks.

lbb cryptically smiles, shoulders past billybear quietly saying, "I have work to do and a call to make."

Mittens - Transmorgified!!!

We all know my tragic tale and realize that transmorgification is a very dangerous business. All five of you (including ace and myself) have been following the raging debate over who's car is cooler. Ace managed to produce not-ace and I was so relieved to read that he didn't shove a clone of himself into the transmorgifier because even if it was a clone the harmonic dissonance in the s-band endoentropic shells will set up a Ribbontrop effect passing "characteristics" from the transmorgified clone directly to ace!!! Depending on the length of exposure ace could have become a tiger care bear himself!!!

So phew ace! You dodged a bullet there!

In a blind rage because even though I do drive a cloud car I was beginning to become a tad envious of ace's Tiger Car. I confess it's a cool ass car. So I grabbed Mittens, painted tiger stripes on her and shoved her into the transmorgifier.

The following photo-documentary illustrates what a dangerous game we play! And for the record these photos are untouched so don't start that static with me ace.

Mittens on her first escape attempt. As this security still shows Mittens seemed reluctant to enter the transmorgifier. She's executing a beautiful wheel kick on one of the many attack dogs that protect billybear labs don't you think?

Looking dapper in her new tiger stripes Mitten's attempted another escape but agreed to transmorgification after admitting my argument was 'flawless.'

A forlorn Mittens says goodbye to her friend and jem's bird 'Vash' Come on Mittens it's not that bad. You'll love being a car!

Mittens enjoys being coated in the transmorgification solution (Patent Pending) as preparations are made for the new and improved Mittens with lower gas mileage than ace's car!

A proud Mittens says, "Bring it billybear!"

Coated in talcum powder, avocado helmet securely in place Mittens enters the transmorgification chamber!

The horrific results of trying to fight transmorgification! Mittens was easily convinced to reenter the chamber after a mirror was held up for her inspection. Visualize the car mittens!

Mittens first pathetic attempt. Come on Mittens you can do better than that! MsGrace wouldn't be caught dead in that car!


sigh, I said purple tires Mittens not purple stripes and the license plate is all wrong! In frustration Billybear reaches down for Mittens before realizing Mittens is not there. This will never do, ace can keep his cool car but there's only one Mittens and puttering around in a cloud isn't that bad really even if it is a bitch to stop. Billybear pushes Mittens back into the chamber.

A grateful, happy Mittens emerges from the transmorgification chamber! OK, well you're white now Mittens but with a few adjustments on the transmorgifier I'm certain I can get the color right ... well mostly right ... Mittens? Anyone seen Mittens?

Mittens I'm glad you're baaacckkk!

Updated: Gnash Your Teeth Ace!

I'm certain by now that everyone's seen cookie mogul ace's new car. He plans to tool around town in it with MsKate. I'm certain ace must have felt something approximating envy when he saw me out and about town with my inflatable Princess Pinky doll so rushed out to get the tiger mobile.

Poor ace, behold the billybear babe magnet and weep!

I added an additional photo to refute ace's baseless claims!

billybear smugly waves to an envious ace

Picture of billybear clearly driving his new ride not taken by a homeless person

What a Fun Call!

OMG it's the morning after my call with Princess and my tummy and cheeks are sore from all the laughing! It took us awhile to settle down, it was sooo much fun but then I let something slip and immediately heard a delighted giggle followed by the Princess Pounce!

"billy did you just tell me that certain RealWorld events will allow us time for more serious play?"

"Yes, Princess I should have a few consecutive nights free in mid May."

wicked giggle, "Well we'll simply have to do some shopping!"

"Shopping?"

"Oh yesss ..."

billybear, "nervous giggle, wrings paws"

"Well I'm thinking you simply must have this and that!"

"billybear will never wear this and that! That's completely idiotic!"

"billieeee ... are you touching yourself?"

"No"

"I want you to billy," Her voice going kind of pouty, "you do want to don't you, for Me?"

"Yes MsGrace ... for You"

"Good billy ..."

Knowing that I'm growing weaker by second, softly teasing me, giggling and laughing like hell, Princess Grace continues Her assault on Her billybear's libido.

Giggling and having fun She says, "Now we're going to need some new 'toys' too, but I'll think on it and email my list"

My mind is racing, I'm all worked up and pretty gosh darned turned on by this point. She continues to tell me about the things I'm going to have to do and dropping one bombshell after another all the while plaaaying with me.

"billieeee ... do you have a webcam? wicked giggling"

billybear sighs, "You know I do ..."

"awwww ... yes I do ... keep that handy! And billy?"

Mentally I'm going oh fuck, the webcam? I am camera shy and all sorts of horrible scenarios are playing out in my head. Billybear playing hopscotch, billybear jumping rope, billybear situps, the billybear interpretive dance of Flight of the Bumble Bee in costume ... it goes on and on and I'm a member of the legume family next to Her when it comes to the naughty stuff. I have no idea what it will entail but I think me jacking off for her would be only a small part of it if that at all. Sweat is glistening on my forehead when Her, 'And billy' hits.

Uh oh.

"Yes Princess?"

"You do have an Easter basket don't you?"

Huge pause on my end followed by a resigned, "Yes Princess, why?"

"For the Easter Egg hunt silly billy!" Gales of laughter "I am going to work you like never before honey bunny! You're going to hop hop hop for me, aren't you billy?"

Soft smile, oh yes Princess I'll hop hop hop for You! Just tell me how high, high enough to jiggle for a giggle? :-)

Then she worked me some more coaxing and teasing from me what I wanted to do during this upcoming free time of ours. I told her everything I could. Finally she says, "You know what I want to hear billy ..."

"Awwww MsGrace You already know!"

"Billy ..."

"I'll do Anything MsGrace, for You, Anything at all"

She giggles and says, "I know."

So there you have it, part of what was an incredibly fun call. Santa Princess is making a list and checking it twice before sending it off to me for purchasing. I'm guessing Her brain is mulling over various trials and tribulations that billyGladiator must accomplish before being permitted release all to be verified on that damned webcam.

There is only one caviat to this, She might be on vacation during that time frame. If so, well nuts, bad luck. If she's available, oh my. I'm pretty sure She's gonna have fun, I know for a FACT I am!

Thank you for a wonderful call Princess Grace!!!

Success!!!!

Using his sheer force of will and nagging MsGrace about it billybear pulls 'the call' into existence.

"Yessssss! We have our date scheduled for tonight!!!" he shrieks with ecstatic joy as jem rolls her eyes and lbb peers intently into the vortex billybear has summoned.

Sheets of paper fly around the lab as Van de Graaf generators crackle and hum and the room fills with static electricity. Suddenly lbb calls out, "I see it! I must attempt to bring it into existence! It's been too long!!!"

Cradling 'the call' in his hands billybear trains the device generating 300 terawatts of photonic energy directly on lbb's head.

"He needs more power!"

With a reluctant sigh jem gets on the hamster wheel and begins to jog. Locking the photonigenerator down billybear joins her ruing every cigarette he's ever smoked as he scampers along.

lbb shrieks, "Finally!!!"

A blinding flash fills the lab and then darkness descends as every circuit breaker in the city trips causing the blackberry outage. Emergency lighting softly illuminates the suddenly quiet lab. lbb is gone.

Jem wonders, "Where is he?"

"He's in one of several possible futures, hopefully ours," billybear quietly replies.

"Eh?"

"Well let's just say if he meets himself in an alternative future that would be bad."

"Eh?"

"Look all he has to do is traverse the massless gauge fields while navigating the Higgs Fields boundary line without causing spontaneous breaking of symmetry. He should be fine!"

"Eh?"

"Yeah, I hate Quantum Physics too. We should know in awhile whether or not he succeeded, when our now merges with his future. I hope he did, he really wanted this."

"We've all been waiting for this for a long time, particularly Princess."

"Time will tell."

Concentrate dammit Concentrate!!!

Lightening surrounds billybear labs

Sources close to billybear labs have admitted that the recent storm activity seen over his laboratory is being caused by him.

An individual who would only identify herself as 'jem' stated while rolling her eyes, "Well he's really looking forward to seeing Princess tonight at TeaseTime! But as usual he gets all nervous about his Friday Princess call."

“The call,” said associate lbb, “is currently a mental construct of billy’s imagining that he - through sheer force of will - is attempting to manifest onto this plane of existence from his personal mental universe.”

“We’d love to make sure it will happen, just so he'd shut up about it,” jem said, “but currently it only tangentially intersects with our physical universe at certain times and only under the right conditions. In order to assist billybear, we're beaming about 300 terawatts of photonic energy directly into his brain in order to weaken the laws of quantum mechanics and allow 'the call' to slip into reality.”

billybear labs has asked that everyone visualize 'the call' in order to help billybear bring it to reality.

Princess Vacation Pics!

Well everyone knows that I miss Princess far more than the rest of you pikers and wanna-bes out there. This is one of those universal truths we all hold as self-evident, so don't even try!

Have you all been wondering what Princess might be doing on this vacation? Well I decided to find out! Here are some Princess photos I took during her vacation.

These are REAL PHOTOGRAPHS!

Happily waving "hi" to billybear and working until the last minute Princess Grace heads to her plane

Princess acknowledges billybear! Thanks for the shout out Princess Grace, wuvs ya! Some Princess wanna-be (note the fake 'juicy couture' sunglasses) holding the "me too" sign ::billybear rolls eyes, as if! I mean can you look any dorkier in that bandanna and we all know how billybear feels about looking like a dork!::

Princess and hotel concierge 'Amy' playing a game of pool at a local bar. They were undefeated!

That's all I managed to get before security (boy was that tight!) wrestled me to the floor, beat me senseless and dumped my ass on a Greyhound for home. Last I saw before I blacked out was Princess dancing on a table with Amy (was that HOT!). Princess Grace looked tanned, relaxed and most importantly was having the time of Her life!

Safely hurry home Princess, I do miss you so!

The Phreaks of Friday

Well it was an interesting Friday in the chatroom. I created some havok in MsTara's Tea Time and managed to clown around with MsReese too. That was a fun time and of course I ended up getting my ass tanned because some dude named 'dan' kept making me roll my eyes. MsTara thought I was doing that to Her (rolls eyes) but nothing could be further from the truth. I swear it.

Later I got back into the room and something called "Freaky Friday" was going on. It's a weekly event hosted by MsVeronica and MsAva, Fridays at 11PM EST. I'm completely out of my element here, normally I'm on the phone with MsGrace (wistful sigh) during this time. I glance around and exit to come back in as billyGrendel. Mistake.

I pop back in and there's all this babble going on about Snicker's bars and Rollos and surprise, surprise I catch a comment from lbbCain! I'm tentative, attempting to make sure that's who I think it is because of the 'Cain' suffix. The reply I get back is:

"How soon I am forgotten"

I am ecstatic! Now I'm not orgasmic the way Princess gets when he's in the room, but damned it was good to see him! I fire up Yahoo and see he's available so I pop up a window on the side. I ask him, "How can this be?" and he replies that RealWorld events have freed him up. He's bumming because of two things 1) he didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Princess before She embarked on Her vacation and 2) She's on vacation and he has a rare evening free.

Oh I can soooo follow that. I was really glad to see him though, I respect the hell out of that guy!

Meanwhile lbb has mentioned in the room that he's only two microns tall. I'm not sure how that happened but he definitely was winning the occasional "who has the smallest dick" contests that occur up from time to time. I can't remember all of his comments in the room but he was pretty darned funny.

Meanwhile BillyGrendel is getting his ass handed to him by this creature called the Corruptrix.

The Corruptrix (jem_takenbyPrincessGrace)

The Corruptrix is apparently new at her job. As I threw up various defenses like shoving a cross in her face she would turn to the Mistresses for a ruling. She was always told that she was immune to whatever I was trying at the moment. I did manage to slow her down when I drove a wooden stake into her heart. It took her awhile to get that out.

"The Corruptrix floats two feet off the ground towards billyGrendel."

OK that's spooky crap! And my good buddy stuart was trying to get me to eat a Rollo or a Snickers. I drew the line after I went for something and stuart chimed in with "Good Billy" I kicked back "That particular phrase is reserved for One stuart :-)" or something like that.

The room is moving very fast and I'm in a sidebar conversation with lbb so I'm confused as to what's going on, I'm not sure how to play. Some random observations:

lbb ends up in 'the pit' which mystified me because I thought it was only four feet deep but if you're two microns tall that's an intimidating distance. He's choking to death on Rollos and eventually accepted my offer of Delsym to aid in getting them down.

I'm not eating nuttin since I really don't want to have some 'dark seed' implanted in me. Maybe I'm homophobic but I've seen Alien and so I'm relatively certain I don't want to suffer that fate.

The Mistress's are trying to convince me to touch jem's gems and I'm playing around with that phrase but I'm not game since I didn't know what would happen next. I should have been and apologize to MsAva, MsVeronica and the Corruptrix but I was not clear on what was going on.

At one point I ended up in a circle of rollos (why? I don't know) and leaped out of it. This immediately got me ignored by the room. A kangaroo court was convened and I was murdered and turned into a pile of ashes. I tried coming back in various personae but nothing worked.

I exited the room and IMd with lbb for a bit. Both of us were on unfamiliar ground and I was unclear on what to do. So we shot the breeze and then I went back in as BillyBear and turned my avatar into a ghost to indicate my status and started bitching about being dead.

Stuff is going on and the room is moving really fast. lbb is being trampled, the Corruptrix is corrupting and everyone seems to be having fun. I'm asking jem since I'm dead if this is what the cock cage feels like since I can't touch myself. lbb being the helpful guy he is, offers me a Q-Tip.

A PM comes in from MsVeronica thanking me for being a sport and that I would be restored to full health in a few minutes. Thanks for the PM MsVeronica! I was restored to my normal self, the Mistresses exited and that was it.

This looks like a fun as hell event. I have to confess that I hope to never attend another one because if I'm there then I'm not on the phone with Princess. However if I do have a Friday where Princess and I can not hook up I plan to attend and to be more participatory since I think I have a better feel for what's going on.

jem as the Corruptrix is funny as, well, Hell and so are the Mistresses and everyone else in the room. If you have a free Friday you should peep this thing out!

PS: Miss You MsGrace, hope You're having fun! :-)

A Rose By Any Other Name

"Shittttt"

"Well?"

Friday ponders the recording billybear had given Tracer from the previous night's TeaseTime.

"Are you kidding me Tracer? It sounds way too complacent, there's not enough rage or aggression. It sounds like someone who's gone numb from the waist down. Did billybear hit him with the sledge?"

"No, billybear thought it would piss Princess off, the boot licker. Not that there's anything wrong with licking Her boots ..."

"Where were you?"

"In the caboose"

Friday sighs, "What this time?"

"Let's just say that I came up a tad short at The World of Sin. I couldn't 'splain' why your Visa was maxed out. Any comments?"

Friday blushes hard, "Well there's a birthday coming up in 26 days and I had to get a gift."

"So this isn't the guy?"

"No way, that 'Shittttt' sounds like a happy kitten dying, not the rage filled, frustrated SHIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!! I heard. Nope this bankyboo isn't the guy."

"We may never catch this dude Friday. Let me take a gander at the evidence."

"No."

"Fine, I'll just go to your blog, you posted enough pictures there."

Friday protests weakly but falls silent when her site fills the screen.

"You do seem, um, happy with this development Friday. What's this?"

"What?"

"Here, next to your ..." Tracer falls quiet with embarrassment, "Did you get a tattoo?"

"What are you babbling about?"

"Look here, it's tiny"

"Oh yeah ... my flesh corrupted," moans Friday, "I can not believe that freak would do such a thing to me! The sharpie ink will at least come off! I am not a tattoo girl. Dammit!"

"Well you could try Turlington's Tattoo Removal Cream"

"I heard it hurts!"

Both detectives gaze at small, blood red tattoo.


"It looks like a rose, a bloody rose. What's it mean?" Friday asks, mystified.

"Maybe this guy is some sort of deranged, perverted gardener?"

A chuckle comes from the shadows, "I've been called worse."

Grendel

Faster than humanly possible Tracer leaps from his chair doing a full-gainer over his desk while simultaneously drawing both his forty-fives. In the middle of this complex maneuver Friday, using her cat like reflexes, snatches her Lady Derringer from her bra while executing a handless cartwheel lateral to the shadowy figure.

Both detectives collide in midair, crashing to the floor in a heap. Friday's cheaters come to a wobbly halt at the creatures feet.

"Delightful!" chuckles the oddly attired man. The shredded remains of a Pink robe cover a tight, black form fitting outfit, black mask and pink, leather straps on his legs complete his appearance. He's casually holding a long, black shaft with two parallel razor sharp blades attached to the end.

As Tracer's hand slides towards his fallen forty-fives the creature murmurs, "You really don't want to do that."

Tracer stares at the masked creature, his hand continuing to inch towards his gun. Faster than the eye can follow the scythe like fork lashes out and back. Tracer winces in pain as blood flows from two, deep scalpel like incisions in his forearm.

"Who are you?" asks Friday.

"Call me Grendel. I occasionally take residence in this poor, weak creatures body. In effect I am everything he is not. I am aggression, trouble and arch nemesis to just about everybody. I feed off of his shame and his fear. He has a surprising amount of both."

"Friday check the police reports and see if there's any bulletins about an escape from the local nut houses."

Grendel quietly replies, "I told the guard I was going out for a pack of cigarettes, but then I like totally stabbed him. Through the quantum foam I roam. I merely wanted to introduce myself since I plan on hanging about for awhile. Think of me as Schrödinger's cat."

And he is gone.

While Friday helps Tracer wrap a bandage around his arm, he says, "Oh this guy is going to be a problem."

"Well Tracer, other than the tattoo he might have done me a favor. I sure do enjoy having all this contact!"

Transmorgification

A distant electric humming is hear, building in pitch. A large electric CRAAAACK shatters glass across lab benches as the transmorgifier belches out its latest incarnation of billy standing on the transmorgifier pad.

BillyGrendel ...
peachy, just peachy

BillyGrendel an instrument of Evil. Possessor of meek mild mannered nearly normal BillyBear without his knowledge. BillyGrendel, criminal mastermind, arch nemesis to just about everybody!

The Maltese Beaver

"OK let me get this straight Friday, you heard nothing, saw nothing, and said nothing? Kind of like those monkey chicks?"

"Well I might have screamed a little."

"So you looked more like the chick on the right but with smaller boobs?"

"Bite me Tracer"

"I'm trying to get a handle on this, because it's utterly bizarre. You hop into some dude's car and wake up, semi-catatonic, naked in a park with a waxed beaver. All you dimly recall is some horrible monotone blasting in your ears and the faint stench of sulfur. Anything else?"

"Well I think I heard him shriek 'Shit'"

"Could it have been 'ship'?"

"Why?"

"Was just wondering if the British Royal Navy was in port."

Friday bursts into tears, "Goddamn it Tracer! This really happened! You have no idea how important that bush was to me! The Scott's Bush Be Large I use to spread on it every night ... the Afro Sheen ... It was the very source of my femininity and now it's gone."

Friday continues sobbing in a way jem never will.

"What do you want me to do about it Friday? The silly thing will grow back!"

"My breathtaking bush will never be the same, it will come in all patchy now!"

"Breathtaking? How many guys did you kill with the thing anyway?"

"Seven"

"Oh, so anyway I bet it would grow in faster if you would quit rubbing it all the time during your phone calls with MsGrace."

"Now all I have is bare skin... nice smooth bare skin.... and it feels so... nice. Especially when I lightly rub my fingers over it.... and I feel... mmmmmm.... so much nice sensation there now... mmmmmmm.... I want to just....."

"Yeah, I can hear ya you know! You should build your own wanker room for crying out loud! Still I would imagine that bush must have felt like a cock cage at times, it must be oh-so-nice to really, I mean really feel when you touch!"

"Oh it does Tracer! You should ask MsGrace to rip your pubes out sometime!"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I imagine she'll make me grab a razor next time I call her along with some bikini wax should she ever hear about this. And I still have the gun Friday so shut up about that idea!"

"OK but Tracer I want this madman brought to justice before he makes another woman look like a twelve year old! This is just the sort of thing that lbb would do, that panty thief!"

Tracer starts coughing and sputtering up the shot of whiskey, "Um yeah, he should be considered but he seems to have vanished like ace."

"Our two best suspects!"

"They are quite pervy, almost legendary."

"What should we do then Tracer?"

"OK, I have an appointment at Madam Zelda's World of Sin tonight cause of that um 'case' I'm on so I need you to go to this Midnight Madness thing I've been hearing about and drop something really heavy on bankyboo's foot, like an anvil or something."

"Why?!"

"So you can hear him scream "Shit!" and maybe make him!"

"An anvil? Those are really heavy!"

"What's your point? Anyway I'll be "gunning" for him at TeaseTime if it turns out he's the one."

Altar of the Succubus!

Furtive giggling can be heard echoing up from the cave entrance. Soft torchlight leads our gentle reader through a hidden doorway cut into the side of granite and down a long slippery spiral staircase. This stairway is definitely not ADA compliant and the owner has received several letters from the government, each carefully wadded up and lovingly placed in a trashcan bearing the label "Bite Me!"

Torches illuminate a large round antechamber. Several doors, each labeled lead off this room. One is labeled "Secret Laboratory" another "Forbidden Closet of Mysteries" and others that can not be discerned in the flickering torchlight. Ranting and giggling can be heard coming from a door casually left ajar and labeled "Altar of the Succubus!"

The reflective eyes of a cat startle you into nearly wetting yourself. A forlorn "meow" echoes across the antechamber.

"Mittens drag your sorry ass back in here!"

The cat silently obeys its dark Master.

Quietly the reader approaches the door and peers inside. A shadowy, hooded figure, dressed in a Pink robe can be seen placing large white candles on each point of a pentagram. Every time he bends over to set a candle an aneros falls out of his ass and clatters across the stone floor.

"Mother ... FUCKER!!!!" he shrieks before grabbing the slippery thing and ramming it back home. "Not too 'gloopy' She says ... what the holy hell does gloopy mean? DAMMIT!!!" as the aneros once again drops to the floor.

"That fucking jem! Always getting me in trouble with those evil assed boobs of hers. There I am, trying to help out, reminding her of the sensations she's given up in her devotion to Princess. 'Oh, I'll never cry for Her billy' sheesh. Now I've got to walk around with this fucking thing shoved up my ass. 'Do your runway model walk for Me billy! Prance for Me billy! Come on high-step you bitch-boi of Mine' and that infernal giggle of Hers as billy works it for Her.

Goddamned precum leaking all over the place staining the carpet, Her cock a slippery needy wreck! And then ... and then??!!! Everybody gets to cum but billy, jem and bankyboo! Bankyboo and jem are in cages so I can follow that for those two but billybear? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

What do I get for my good deeds? 'No cummies for you billybear! LMAO, LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'"

In his rage he grabs a candle and hurls it at the cat, missing it completely. The candle rolls to a stop at the base of the altar. A beautiful, buxom woman is tied to it. Her arms stretched tightly over her head, her spread legs tightly tied to each end of the altar. She's blindfolded with a pink bandanna, the words 'Princess Pet Forever' carefully written with a sharpie across it. Her moans of terror are muffled by the ball gag in her mouth, headphones cover her ears, its' cord leading to an iPod playing an MP3 on continuous loop. She's wearing a black, leather bra and panties. A bowl and razor sharp scissors are set at her side.

As the insane creature stoops down to pick up the candle the aneros once again falls from his ass.

"SHIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!!" echoes from the walls causing the girl to flinch. She can hear his crazed shrieks over the MP3 blasting in her ears, slowly driving her into a catatonic state. She would do anything, absolutely anything to have that MP3 shut off. The ball gag reduces her pleas to helpless mumbles.

As the mad thing stands the reader gasps in horror as his hood falls away and his robe parts. He is red, not with rage though that contributes, but in skin tone. He is redder than a freshly cooked lobster, redder than red. He defines red. The whites of his crazed eyes skitter across the room as he bites his lower lip and once again sets the aneros back in its rightful place.

Muttering he says, "I've got to remember to clinch! 'Work it like a binky She says, a butt binkie! ::giggle::' If I get a ruined orgasm out of this I will be sooo pissed off!" He glares balefully at the cat causing it to retreat into the shadows. "Goddamned Florida sun! How was I to know you were suppose to wear sunscreen? All the warning signs were in Spanish for crying out loud!"

Lighting the candles he pulls his hood up and ties his robe. He turns his full attention to the woman tied to the altar. Her long blond hair cascades down off her shoulders. Her heaving 'D' cup breasts strain against her tight leather bra. She's beginning to loose it against the MP3.

"Enjoying the 'empty-three' my virginal treasure? It's quite delightful, a little ditty turned out by a band called 'Screech' Princess has employed it against me from time to time, when I have um misbehaved.

Now I'm in a bit of a pickle you see. Princess informed me between giggles that I can only enjoy a phone call with Her if She's 'not coughing up a lung'

So no lung coughing up for MsGrace! In order to assure that I shall summon a succubus who will do my bidding and restore my sweet Princess to full health! Even if She still can't to talk with me at least She'll be healthy!

In order to summon the succubus I need the pubic hair of a virgin which is why you're here, Friday. It was alarmingly easy to pick you up off that street corner standing in front of Mother Mary's School for Virgins. You hopped in the car muttering 'Hi I'm Friday, five dollah' before I hit you with the knock out gas. Didn't your mother teach you anything?

Now the Girl Scout manual doesn't say I can't remove your bra when summoning a succubus, so let's have a look-see here."

Picking up the scissors the hooded figure snips through the bra and jumps back when two large silicon bags fall out and bounce across the floor. Pert, almost 'B' boobs remain.

"No matter. Let's get those virginal pubes into this bowl here and get this done!"

The panties snap free as he cuts through the waist band, like an airbag going off a monstrous brunette bush of pubic hair flies free.

"OH MY GOD?! What an enormous bush you have my dear! I see the carpet doesn't match the drapes my little poptart. Hmmmmm, I simply must play! If I was to draw two eyes here and put a hat here I believe we would have a good representation of a Hasidic Jew. Why you almost resemble Billy Gibbons! Every girl's crazy about a sharp dressed bush!"

Snip, snip, snip fly the scissors across the enormous mound of pubic hair.

"Hahahahahahaha! It is complete! Behold a topiary of a woolly mammoth!"

Once again the scissors fly into action!

"The great state of Texas. Enough, I will wax the rest off and stuff the entire thing into this ten gallon hefty garbage bag. Whimper not, it will grow back!

Mittens come here! I shall demonstrate on my cat Mittens how painless the wax removal process can be. I slop on some hot wax, oh Mittens hush, and press in this thingy, let it harden. OK now here we go Mittens! I riiipppp the paper off!

See! Mittens has passed out from the pain, how bad can that be? You'll sleep through most of it!"

Even through the ball gag screams of pain can be heard echoing up the spiral staircase.

Sitting in the center of the pentagram billybear begins his dark incantations. Suddenly a blast furnace of sulfurous heat flows into the room and a gaping pit opens belching unholy flames. Shrieking his last incantation billybear grabs the hefty bag filled with virgin pubes and throws it into the pit which immediately closes up.

Standing before him is a creature of unnatural beauty. Perfection. Billybear feels himself grow even harder as he subconsciously works his aneros. In a voice that stirs him further she asks, "Would you like to fuck me?"

"No"

Looking somewhat flustered the creature replies, "Um why not? I can be anything you desire. Anything!"

"You can't be Princess."

"Can too"

"Not"

"Too"

"Then ::giggle:: for me bitch, let's hear it!"

"Well ...."

"Look I summoned you here to get rid of Princess's cough so that I can talk to Her tonight. I love talking with Her! I tossed in the virginal pubes so you must aid me as the book states!"

The low rumble of laughter fills the room as the succubus transforms into its' more demonic shape, still beautiful and feminine but with wings and cute horns.

"Foolish mortal! Those certainly were not the pubic hairs of a virgin! Friday is well known, everybody's fucked Friday except you I guess! So I am certainly not bound by your incantation!"

"Are too"

"I AM NOT!" roars the succubus, "Are you always this goddamned annoying?!"

"Maybe"

"I shall collect from you what you took from her! And by the way read the FUCKING manual next time, the pubes must come from a willing virgin - idiot!"

"Well I sorta skimmed it ... Would Mittens do? She's a virgin ... well except for the time I shoved my aneros up her ass ..."

A blinding flash practically lights the night sky. Billybear screams in sunburned enhanced pain when he suddenly realizes his pubic hair is burning. He frantically grabs Mittens in an attempt to smother the flames, setting the hapless cat on fire.

"It burns ... oh Mittens ... it buurrrnnnnssss!!!!"

Flash-burned, sunburned, horny and hairless as a ten year old billybear dumps an equally flash-burned naked Friday in the center of a park. He grabs a sharpie from his pocket wincing in pain as the pen presses against his fried flesh and scribbles something across her forehead.

"Well Mittens lets head home and take some aspirin, maybe watch some late night TV. I hope Princess feels better! At least we tried!"

"Meow"

"Oh Mittens, what is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?"

Thus begins TracerBulletBilly in the strange case of Who Shaved Friday's Pussy?!

Holly Came From Miami F.L.A.

So I get into F.L.A. and decide to reenact the pantysue experience (billy ponders a potential new band name ...) and study various women, chicks, whatever out in full plumage for spring break. Nada. I'm oddly unmoved by these giggling, long legged, MTV reality show wanna bees. Go figure. Am I suddenly gay? Don't think so ...

Because something is happening here,
but you don't know what it is,
do you Mr. Jones?

I seem to be undergoing all sorts of weird psychological or psychotic changes (checks for blood on hands, nope guess it's psychological). So I'm surrounded by all this nubile flesh and one girl in the pool caught my eye for a bit. Quite lovely, I circle like a great white shark all fat, bald and bulbous. Closer, closer. Loving it when she raises her arms over her head. Sheesh I seem to have developed a shaved under arm fetish now, no French chicks for billy. I despise the French anyway but I'm waist fucking deep in fetishes already and I really don't think I need another one. Sigh, what is it with me and all things female? What is this fascination?

Closer. Some tattooed nimrod splashes by spewing f-words and vying for her giggles. She's cursed with a pack a day cig and whiskey voice, I dive lower to affirm her true sex. Well short of committing a felony I'm reasonably certain she's a she. So very delicate.

You hand in your ticket
And you go watch the geek
Who immediately walks up to you
When he hears you speak
And says, "How does it feel
To be such a freak?"

I sit at the edge of the pool and people watch. I'm not sure how it feels to be a freak. At times I seem to enjoy it, at others I question myself and consider spending a fortune in psychotherapy getting "better." She's a beautiful girl, maybe I'll beat off to her later. I'm certain she would appreciate it. Such lovely thoughts fill my baking head in the Florida sunshine. Truly I'm a great man. I mentally shrug and turn my attentions elsewhere.

Having ignored all reasonable warnings I awake with a serious fucking sunburn that would rival my shaved, MsTara spanked ass. This development does not heighten my mood but I muddle on trying to keep peace among the warring factions in my group of folk. I generally lay low, although I'm footing the bill for this shindig I've decided that it's best if I have no say on "what to do next." However I do get somewhat slightly irritated when I drive halfway across Florida and then while standing at the damned gate it's decided it's too expensive and boring. So what if it's the one and only thing I personally wanted to do on this trip, no matter, never mind.

I fall deeply and seriously in love with the goth waitress at a diner.

"So you want to hike clear back across this theme park through that veritable sea of humanity so that you can do something you've already done and stand in line for another two hours?"

YAAAYYYY OH! YAY!

Off we proudly march to do it again! There are things one simply must do in life.

Because something is happening here,
but you don't know what it is,
do you Mr. Jones?

Speaking for Mr. Jones, I don't have a clue :-) Does that matter? nope, but it wont stop me from trying to figure it out.

I pop back into LDW space and scope things out a bit. Looks like ace is going active. The chatroom seems to have become some sort of game show. I popped into there yesterday and there was some strokathon going on with a free ten minute call with MsTia and MsAmber. Contests, contests. I hate them because I suck at them. I get into a bizarre conversation later in the day with someone on a quest for a "real" Mistress. Good luck with that buddy. Stove was there but operating under a different moniker. Princess seems quite busy. Life marches on.

I watch the snow fall outside. I could use a little sunshine, Princess are we on for this Friday? Hope so.